Is it REALLY wrong to PUNISH for pee in pants?

I'm so frustrated. She know's she has to go, she doesn't care, and when I ask her if her pull-up is dry, she'll tell me no, she peed in it when she was in the playroom with her sister. She doesn't care about getting candy reward for dry pull up.

I really want to just put her in real underware so I'll know when she goes right away, and then punish her with time out in her room (which she hates) and putting on a diaper (which she mildly cares about). Is it really wrong to punish for peeing in pants?

I know I should come up with some elaborate reward system to motivate her to NOT go in her underware, but I'm exhausted (emotionally and physically). You know how sometimes you just want ONE THING to happen without a struggle....

 

Why don't you just put her in underwear? She could be sensing that a pull up is a diaper (which it is) and going in it like the baby.

I personally wouldn't punish for accidents.

 

Honestly, I would let it go for a while. She isn't ready, and the more you fight with her, the more you will create a power struggle. I would just not even ask for a month or more. If she asks to go potty, great, if not, no biggie. You will find that when she is truly ready, you will not even be asking this question.

 

I agree with Bex and Sharon. When they are ready it just clicks and isn't a struggle at all. For my girls a switch turned right after their 3rd birthday and it wasn't even like I was training them. They were just into it and did it. Yes accidents happened, but they knew they needed to go, and were totally into being big girls in undies. :hug:

 

I agree with everyone else, I wouldn't punish for it. I would just put off potty training for awhile. It really gets a lot easier when they are ready, much less stressful for us & for them!

 

I wish my husband would listen to me about the power struggle he is in with Royce about going to the toilet. I keep telling my husband to just drop it, give it a month, then put out feelers again, but he feels that is a step in the wrong direction and that we should just push and push and push until Royce decides to go on the toilet. :head_bang:

OTOH, I waited until Alice was ready. A day and a half later, she was done, she is good, she has the occasional accident, but never enough pee to wet her pants, just her underwear.

So anyway, at 3 1/4 years, I have one potty trained, poop, pee, and overnight, and one not potty trained.

 

I had a feeling everyone would feel this way... I guess I'm just upset with her because her overall behavior lately has been so defiant and challenging everything I say or ask.

She WAS day time potty trained before the baby was born. She would be playing and yell out, "Mommy, pee pee coming out" (which was her way of saying she had to go). I would tell her to go potty, and she would run in and that was that....

if i was going to just potty training with her should I put her back in regular diapers and stop asking her to go potty?

 

Meara was day trained at 2 1/2 and then decided she didn't want to be anymore. I put her back in diapers and then we waited. Right after they turned 3 a little girl (maybe 5 years old) at the park made a comment about the diapers, and all of a sudden both my girls were trained within 2 weeks.

 

I think it's normal to have some regression with certain things when a new baby comes along. It's tough adjustment for some kids and while to you it may seem like just another power struggle, but to her it's an area of her life she can control (only she can decide to pee in the potty- it can't be forced) when other things may be feeling very out of control right now.

I agree with other pp- I would not punish it or push it right now. Take a step back and give it a little time. I would probably keep her in pull-ups though (maybe the ones that feel cool when wet to make a distinction).
And remember she's still on the younger side of the average age for being potty trained. Some kids are just ready later than others.

 

No punishment here. Wait until she is for sure ready. Punishment will prolong the agony. One day it will click.

 

Big huge ditto.

 

I don't think it matters if you do a diaper of a pullup at this point. A pullup is easier for her to get on/off if she decides she wants to use the potty. I bet the defiance, lack of potty training/regression and new baby are all connected. I would give her as much control over PT as you can. Ask her if she wants underwear, pullups or diapers. If she chooses underwear, let her know that she has to keep them dry and that if she wets them, she will have to wear a pullup or diaper for the rest of the day. If she chooses the diaper or pullup, that's fine too. She can wear it and use it. I'd back off on asking about the potty so she doesn't feel like it is something she needs to get into a power struggle with you about.

My DS was fully trained and then rebelled and made using the potty a source of a power struggle between us. After a month or so of multiple accidents a day while at home (and none while at preschool and day care), I decided to have him wear pullups at home. After about a week of that, he decided he wanted to wear underwear at home and is using the potty again at home too. Once I backed off and put him in control, he decided on his own, within a week, to use the potty at home again. Before that, we had over 6 weeks of bribes and reminders for using the potty with no success.

 

Do it. I NEVER used pull ups. I don't get the point of them. Right to underwear for my kids.

My kids all trained at such different ages. I also trained all my kids, day and night at the same time. My first dd was fully (day and night) trained by 2.5. ds # 1 fully trained by 3. DS #2 by 3 and DD #2 was 3.5. I did find the later they trained the easier and less frustrating it was. When they decided it was time it was time. My youngest dd refused to wear big girl panties until 3.5. When I put them on her that was it. She never had an accident. She was trained.

The only time I ever "punished" them for "accidents" was when it wasn't a real accident. There were times when one of my kids had been fully trained for quite some time and it was more of a manipulative act than an, "oops, I got distracted and forgot to go" kind of thing.

 

I've been wondering about this too. My situation is a little different in that we're not regressing, and we don't have a new baby. Our problem is both of mine hold it forever because they are busy playing and don't feel like going. Fortunately my son got the potty training thing right off the bat and will make it to the toilet when he finally can't hold it anymore. My daugher just gets lazy and says she doesn't have to go no matter how many times I remind her (meaning she doesn't feel like going yet and she can hold it). Then she pees her pants 5 minutes later, and it makes me so mad.

My new plan as of today is this:
1) underwear all the time except for nap and night - I think the off and on pullups are confusing her because if she's wearing a pull up she'll pee in it. I try to get her in underwear most of the time, but if she just woke up it takes some time to get her to want to go potty and change. I need to get in the routine of putting on underwear as soon as she gets up so she won't fight it.
2) I can tell when it's been awhile and she probably has to go - or doesn't feel like she has to really go yet, but if she tried she probably would. I never did the timer every hour thing with her, although maybe I should have. But I think she'd fight me if I started now. Just because a timer rang and I told her it's time to try, she'd rebel. But I have noticed if I plan something fun and ask her to go potty first, she'll do it. Simple things like - we're going to start making Christmas cookies now, so I want you to try to sit on the potty first. Or, do you want to color with mommy? let's go potty first. If I had remembered to do this after lunch before I let them choose a christmas cookie she probably wouldn't have had an accident today.
3) and my new reward idea is to get some pink flavored chapstick and let her use it anytime she goes potty. I'm tired of the candy treats, and I think this would be something she would love, for a little while at least. Plus, she has a red mouth beard right now!

I don't know if any of these ideas will help you or not, but I certainly understand your frustration!

 

I feel your pain. The difference is that my kiddo is pooping in her pants instead of peeing. It really is frustrating. I try not to show my frustration to her though. As everyone else has said, I wouldn't punish. I would put her in cloth training pants or regular underwear though. That might do the trick.

 

Ditto.

Both of my kids knew perfectly well how to use the potty and when they needed to go by sometime before age 3, but Sarah was simply not interested in wearing underwear until a few months after their 3rd b'day. (I think she was worried about having accidents.) I would ask her every few days if she wanted to, and finally one day (about 6 months after Amy had switched to underwear) she said yes.

 

I think you were really brave to even try PT before the baby came. I'm due in Feb and even though a bunch of people are asking me if I'll PT the girls before then, I'm going to wait. I know they will probably regress a bit when the baby arrives, & I won't have the time to be on top of them making sure that they go regularly. They are just over 2 - they tell me when they poop, or when they are trying to poop, but I don't think they are really aware of peeing yet. I figure there is plenty of time, right?

Don't beat yourself up about it - power struggles are so exhausting, & with a new baby & older twins you need to take it easy on yourself right now!! :hug:

 

I want to ditto handing the decision to her with the stipulation that choosing BIG GIRL underwear over BABY diapers means working to keep dry. Tell her that if she's going to wear baby diapers that she needs to tell you when she's ready to be a big girl and wear underwear. I don't think it will take long. No punishments here EVER for accidents (IMO, that's like being punished for tripping on a step -- it really is an accident even if you tripped because you weren't paying attention!)

 

I would put her in big girl undies. Then if she goes in her pants there is a little bit of "oops" in her mind as opposed to being in a pull-up where it doesn't matter if she pee pees in it. I had a hard time with my girls but I HAD to train them in time to start 3 yo pre-school. I cleaned up LOTS of messes (I just tried to "pee proof" as much as I could ... put trashbags under them on the couch ... etc ... and I quit asking them to go. When I asked every half-hour or so it was a big power struggle when I quit asking they pee'ed in their pants enough times to sort-of "get it" and learned when they had to go. I let them tell me when they wanted to go and it went much better that way (as opposed to me staying on them to go and "try.") It took about 2 weeks. I wouldn't punish. You never know what is going on in her head. She may feel a bit ashamed at not being able to please you so therefore acting out a bit ... you would hate to make her feel worse. You know how we are our own worst critic ... she may be the same way. I know it is hard, though. Man, I would get so ticked when I would say "lets go try" and they said "No" then 5 minutes later pee'ed all over the place. Hang in there ... it will happen. And yes, there are so many times where I have thought ... can't ONE thing just be easy?!?!? If not easy, then at least manageable?!?!?

 

Oh, just saw the new baby thing ... we did have the same situation. I PT'ed my girls when Caroline was only about 4 or 5 months old. They didn't want to be a big girl, they wanted to be a "baby like Caroline." When I would say, why do you want to wear icky wet diapers ... and I would get "I want to wear dry diapers." It was tough. I just decided to spin it like since they were turning 3 they had to wear panties ... like it was the law or something =) I made the decision to wear panties and there was no going back. If I had not had their pre-school pressure I probably would have thrown in the towel after about a week ... but I am glad I toughed it out. It really was like a light switch. One day they were struggling and the next day they "got it." It was a verrrrry trying few weeks. Very frustrating time for all of us. Hang in there!!!

 

well I had a whole response typed.

basically I'd praise her more for what she is doing. don't punish. my ds was late in pooping on the potty and when he started my dd started having deliberate accidents at the table in her booster seat... UGH! we started praising her more (like we were for my ds's efforts on the poop) and she started peeing in the potty again.

good luck.

 

they're not even 3 yet - I wouldn't punish them...the only time I ever used "punishment" (if you want to call it that) was on DS when he kept pooping his pants - even though he knew how to go, and would go when he felt like it...but he would literally stand in the middle of the floor and sh!t his pants for spite...so I told him if he couldn't put his poop in the potty like a big boy he couldn't play on the computer like a big boy...problem solved (although he was nearly 3 and a half)...

 

This was how Ainsley was. She didn't fully train until 3.5. She would have an accident and just sit there, not even tell me. What finally worked was 1) Not making a big deal either way. No woo hoo'ing for going potty, and no punishing for accidents. Just don't react, act like going potty is just a normal thing. 2) I made a reward chart for staying dry all day. She got to put a sticker on for the day if she stayed dry. After 10 days (didn't have to be consecutive, just 10 days total), she got a toy she really wanted. Again though, this was at 3.5. When I was where you are now, I gave up for the time being and just put her back in pull-ups. If she made it to the toilet, great. If not, oh well. I couldn't take the power struggle anymore, and I was tired of cleaning up accidents. I suggest the OP take a similar approach too.

 

I really do have to get better about not showing my frustration. Especially because with her I know it's not to be defiant, she just forgets or thinks she can hold it longer than she realizes. And then when I remind her too much she doesn't want to, probably because I keep asking and she wants it to be on her own terms.

She does go on the potty most of the time though, we usually have 1 accident a day. When I really take the time to work with her and be consistent she'll go a week or more with no accidents, and then I think she's done and I slack off a bit (forget to get the pull up off her in the morning, stop reminding her to go) and then she has a bunch of accidents again. Today she did good, I followed my approach and she had no accidents. I'm just going to keep at it until she's got it all the time - I pray it's not another year from now!

 

oops, didn't mean to start a new response with my ETA!

 

We used this approach too.

 

yep on the kids knowing that "diapers are for babies"... ours talk about that several times a week and I don't even bring it up. I stress that they are big kids and they love it.

 

Ana had some issues with this in the very beginning. We set a timer for every half hour. This way it wasn't something that DH and I were telling her to do. It was the timer that told her!

 

Sounds like you are getting close! With Ainsley, it was just that going potty was not high on her priority list, and she didn't seem to care about having an accident. I saw the other post about using a timer, that's a good idea. Also saying "It's time to go potty" rather than asking/suggesting that she go. Sounds like she might be at good place to start doing a reward chart too.

 

My oldest son was potty trained at 27 months all on his own without any fighting. Then the twins were born and he went back to diapers all the time!!! I was so frustrated but so busy that I just left it alone. When he was 39 months old I decided I had enough. He knew when he had to go and he deliberatly went in his pants anyway. I spent 7 days in regular underwear and we had a lot of laundry to do that week but at the end of those 7 days he decided he didn't like to be wet and poopy anymore and finally gave in!! He still has occasional accidents and at 4 I am still having a hard time with night time accidents but I will take what I can get for now. I am really really dreading potty training the twins :headbang: Hang in there :grouphug: