Ex-husband & Christmas Dilemma

Discussion in 'Childhood and Beyond (4+)' started by Katheros, Dec 11, 2010.

  1. Katheros

    Katheros Well-Known Member

    My husband and I are going on vacation/honeymoon from Dec. 19-26. My parents are taking the twins for the beginning of the week, then the twins father (my ex-husband) is taking them the end of the week, including Christmas day.

    So here's the problem:
    My ex-husband is a drunk and has had past drug abuse problems. I have no idea if he is doing drugs now and have learned that the state will not do anything unless he is caught with drugs and the children at the same time. A few years ago he was caught with cocaine in his house, but the twins weren't there so he's still allowed to see them every other weekend. :angry: Which, believe me, I am NOT happy about.

    ANYWAY, because of this he is always broke, or so he says. His bright idea is that he wants me to send along the presents that my husband and I have bought for the twins so that they have something to open on Christmas morning. Because he is too broke to buy them anything. Mind you, a few months ago the child support he pays me was lowered about $300 a month. And he always has plenty of beer.

    It makes me sick to think that they won't have anything to open, but I don't want to give him stuff that I've bought. I will most likely never see it again. But the twins are old enough to realize that it is Christmas and they don't have any gifts, and they are old enough to remember that. His problems are not my problems and it's not my responsibility to cover for him. Thing is, I was married to him. I know how much he makes at work, I know how much his bills are, and I know where he spends his money. He should have plenty of money if he would stop buying **** he doesn't need (beer, whiskey, etc.).

    My plan so far is to take their remaining gifts (we celebrated Hanukkah too) to my Mom's before we leave. The family is moving our usual Christmas dinner at Mom's up a week and we normally do our gift exchange then, so I was going to let the twins open their stuff then.

    I'm really going to need this vacation!! :lol:
     
  2. ktfan

    ktfan Well-Known Member

    I have never been in your situation but my gut says to continue your plans to have the kids open their gifts with you early and let dad deal with Christmas. The kids are old enough to know for themselves who puts in effort and who doesn't. Does their dad live close to you? My main concern is having someone keep an eye on the situation from a distance while you're gone.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. lovelylily

    lovelylily Well-Known Member

    I agree with opening the presents with you as planned. What I might to do is buy them a few dollar store books and trinkets to open at dad's house so they have something to play with, but you won't be out much money?
     
  4. nateandbrig

    nateandbrig Well-Known Member

    This was my thought as well...
     
  5. moski

    moski Well-Known Member TS Moderator

    This is a great idea.
     
  6. Ange2k25

    Ange2k25 Well-Known Member

    Great idea! Our Dollar Tree stores have great books and coloring books.
     
  7. Katheros

    Katheros Well-Known Member

    That idea had crossed my mind as well. That's probably what I'll end up doing.
     
  8. momotwinsmom

    momotwinsmom Well-Known Member

    What a hard situation to be in. But, I agree with the others. Let them open your gifts with you and send along a few dollar tore gifts for them to open on Christmas. I'm sorry you are dealing with this though.
     
  9. ihavesevensons

    ihavesevensons Well-Known Member

    I would put the gifts under your tree at home (as if they were delivered there by the big man), and they they could open them the day that you arrive home with them (seems like it would only be a day later.)

    I would NOT bring any of your gifts to your Ex's house. I wouldn't mention anything about it to the kids. Let Ex-hubby figure it out.

    I would put the gifts under your tree at home (as if they were delivered there by the big man), and they they could open them the day that you arrive home with them (seems like it would only be a day later.)

    I would NOT bring any of your gifts to your Ex's house. I wouldn't mention anything about it to the kids. Let Ex-hubby figure it out.
     
  10. twoplustwo

    twoplustwo Well-Known Member

    I like this idea too.

    I am sorry you have to go through this. Can someone stop by his house to check on them while you are gone.
     
  11. BellaRissa

    BellaRissa Well-Known Member

    I hate the attitude of "keep your presents & force the XH to pony up". This is NOT about mom or dad....it is about two precious boys who deserve to feel loved & valued on Christmas morning. Boys who deserve to get up to nice presents on Christmas morning - not Dollar Store trinkets. If I had enough money for a cruise I would figure out a way to get a couple more nice toys to leave with their dad. This is not fair, I know that .....I have an XH who is a wealthy physician while I struggle to make ends meet...but you can bet your life I would be sending nice presents for them to open while they are with him. It is not about whether I get to see their joy or whether they bring the toys home, it is not about whether he should be doing a better job providing for his kids. ...it is about making a good memory for them. I know this post comes too late to make a difference this Christmas...but I implore all single parents to think ONLY about what is best for the kids...not what is fair, not what the other parent could be doing differently, not what is best for me...but what will give the kids the best chance to grow up with as little stress as possible. Good luck & congratulations on your honeymoon - I hope you are having a great cruise.
     
    1 person likes this.
  12. Katheros

    Katheros Well-Known Member

    We didn't go on a cruise, and definitely don't have the money to afford a cruise. I'm not sure where you got that idea from. Our trip was very inexpensive and was also paid for earlier this year.

    I do agree that it's about the kids and their happiness but it's never that simple, that's why the situation was such a struggle from me. I do not want my children to suffer or be disappointed. But I also do not want to be taken advantage of by my manipulative ex-husband, nor do I want to spend money on toys that I will never see again. Even if he keeps those toys at his house, they are usually only there about once a month for one day. If I were to continue to take care of my ex-husband's responsibilities, he'll never buy them Christmas or birthday presents, he will simply rely on me to bring some to his house. Part of me also wants the kids to realize who their father really is, too. It's a very crappy situation and no matter what I do I'm still the horrible parent. But I made my bed and now I must sleep in it.

    I ended up sending them with the gifts they had picked out for each other from their school's Santa's workshop thing, and one toy each from home. Plus they still have toys to open when they come home tonight.
     
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