Care for Twins

I'm going back to teaching part-time starting in January. I just finished a week of interviewing potential sitters when my MIL sent me a message saying she would gladly watch the girls both days I'm at work. The catch--she would spend the night once a week (since I have an evening class and then a morning class the next day).

I love my MIL. She is a wonderful person, but I don't know how excited I am about her spending the night once a week for 11 weeks. First off, she has serious, serious, serious issues with our decision to use CIO. Granted, the girls really don't cry very much. They might cry for 5 minutes or so at bedtime and wake during the night for 5-10 minutes a couple of times. But she says that she gets physically ill when she hears a baby cry, so I'm not sure how comfortable she'll be that we let them settle themselves through the night. Second, when the girls go to bed at night, that's my alone time with DH. Am I being selfish that I want my alone time every night of the week or should I just suck it up and except the free help?

I'm still going to finish the interview process with the three potential sitters I've narrowed down since I will still need someone when she isn't available, but I'm having trouble deciding if I want her spending the night or not.

 

Do you think MIL can handle two babies? If so, I would suck it up, because it is only one night. But I would tell her that you do let the kids cry for a few minutes and if that's gonna make her uncomfortable, you would be happy to hire a sitter instead, and then be prepared to do so if she gives you a hard time.

 

If you think you can trust your mil, and that she can give your kids love and good care, then I would go with her.its better than letting a stranger take care or your kids. Yeah babysitter can give them good care but shes just going do her job. She can't offer love.but you should set up the rules up front that your kids need to set down themselves at bed time, no picking up, holding, rocking are allowed something like that. If she can't stand it, go to her room, turn on tv louder. Hopefully, shell be ok with it after a week.you should be strong in this negotiation. You don't want her to mess up your kids bed routine.About sharing your husband, just suck it up mama you have free care and love for your kids in return!! Its just my opinion hehe

 

She stayed with us for the first four months, so I think she'll be OK. I don't know how overwhelming they'll be now that they're far more active. I guess if she's feeling overwhelmed, I should definitely have a sitter backup.

Maybe for Christmas, I'll get her some headphones.

 

If I were in your situation, I'd probably go with the sitter. I would prefer to have someone that I would feel confident they were going to follow my instructions, and it sounds like you already think MIL might not. I also value my alone time with DH, and would not like having "company" at my house one night a week. That's just me though, I want to be in my pajamas, talking candidly with my husband about whatever, be able to pump breast milk in the living room while watching TV if I want. I wouldn't want to rearrange things.

One thing to keep in mind when interviewing sitters - I would make sure that part of the job includes some chores - like washing or preparing bottles, tidying up the toys, or doing a load of baby laundry if the babies are sleeping. Would your MIL do these for you? I'm sure you can get a sitter to agree because you'd be paying them. Having extra help with that stuff is really nice. It allows you more time to enjoy with the babies when you get home instead of worrying about getting to the chores right away.

 

Oooh, that's a tough one. Your MIL sounds a lot like mine (any many others I'm sure!). My MIL comes down one day a week to stay with my kids, so I can get some chores done around the house or errands ran. It started off great. She'd come down in the morning and leave in the evening. Then she started coming the night before so she wouldn't have to drive in the cold. I thought it would just be every now and then and before I knew it, every Tuesday night she was there staying the night and not leaving until after the kids were in bed the next night. She also HATES when I let them cry for any reason. It started to be more stressful than help and after she said that it was abuse to let them cry I had had enough (btw, this was if they cried while changing a diaper, etc - she would say what are you doing to them, kids dont' cry for no reason!!). That was over the top for me and now I hardly ever have her over. I can hardly stand to be in the same room with her. If it was only 11 weeks, I think it would be ok, but this went on and got more overwhelming after many months. I would definitely recommend having some sitters in mind, and probably try MIL out at least. Good luck!

 

Go with your instincts!! Good luck and enjoy your return to teaching.

 

Personally, I'd go with the sitter. I started out having my parents help us and it's so much harder establishing boundaries you're comfortable with and having them respect your rules. MIL might have great intentions and be good with the kids, but they're not always the best choice for caregivers just because they also have their opinions. And if you suspect you might resent having your MIL over once a week, then you will definitely resent it when it becomes a reality.

This is just me though.. my family is overbearing at best and I like my personal space so take it with a grain of salt!

 

I was in the exact same situation a few months ago (teaching on Monday evening and Tuesday morning) and chose not to have my MIL come over for help. DH makes sure he is home from work on time every Monday and takes care of them until I get home and on Tuesday they go to childcare. Even tough it is difficult and makes us tired, I'm happy about it because I know MIL wouldn't have followed our instructions and because I honestly cannot handle having her around all too often (I think I had a MIL overdose in the first few months).

Follow your intuition on this one and good luck with going back to work!

 

SITTER!!! I do not care how great your relationship is with your MIL if you have her in your house one night a week and you are already a lil apprehensive it will probably just end badly. I would be willing to put money on the fact that someone's feeling will eventually get hurt, and that leads to all sorts of other issus down the road......take it from my personal experience with my in-laws. Plus with a sitter you are paying her to do it your way, and she knows that if she doesn't she will get fired. You can't fire your MIL. Sometimes free help is just not worth it.

 

No matter how much you trust and like your MIL, she is going to do as she pleases in the end. You can give her all the rules you like but slowly over time, she will do things her way.

My MIL retires in two years and tells me repeatedly that I can go back to work then and she is going to watch my kids (her attempts to push me aside to take care of my kids herself started the day we came home from the hospital :angry: ). Anyway, that will NEVER happen. She would never, ever discipline them or keep them in line. She would let them watch TV all day long. They would be little hellions if she kept them. And besides, I'm not going back to work anytime soon so she's out of luck anyway.

My point is, I would only try out the MIL if you are comfortable with her overstepping your boundaries and rules. I can't handle that even during my MIL's visits; she will NEVER be watching my kids for any considerable amount of time.

I prefer paid daycare or sitters. As long as you get a good one, they will follow YOUR instructions because if not, you'll fire them.

 

For 2 1/2 months, I think let your MIL come and help. It's not long term. It saves money and the stress of leaving your babies with a stranger. As for her spending the night every week and your time with DH, why not have a date night every other week when she comes?

And for the PP that recommends having the sitter help with chores, in my experience, folks who watch children in your home may be willing to help out with cleaning up after the children and maybe helping out with some of the kids laundry, but asking them to do household chores is too much. Unless you are going to pay them a lot more and know that it is attention and energy that will not be given to your children.

GL with your decision!

 

Thanks everyone for the advice. We've decided to go with my MIL. Financially, it's just the better decision. I do, though, have two sitters available if I need them. One even lives in our neighborhood!

 

I'm glad it works out for you.if she stayed with you guys for the first 4 months, and you still wanted her back in. Then it shouldn't be that bad. Not every MIL is monster in law though. Oh mine is a big monster in law lol.congrats on the good relationship!

 

I would go with MIL since you trust her. Personally, I would have a difficult time trusting my kids with a stranger.

 

Glad you were able to make a decision! I know it would be tough! I personally would have a hard time with my mother in law doing it. But, that's just for selfish reasons! She's great with the kids, they adore her, and she's FREE. And I think financially, we'd do it as well if it came to it. And that's great for having babysitters lined up-that way you could maybe get a night out every once in awhile!

Good luck with the job!

 

I would have done the same thing! Who better to watch your kids 2xweek than someone who loves and adores them?? :wub:

We will all be MILs someday, I think it could be helpful if everyone was able to remember that before jumping on every fault their MIL has. No one is perfect. I'm not saying that all MILs are wonderful people, but jeez, they raised the men that we fell in love with and married and they (most of the time) adore their grandchildren. I don't get all of the anger and frustration that seems so common! I sure hope my DILs have more patience for me than what I hear about from friends and read about on here.

 

You bring up a good point. As my kids have gotten older, I've grown to appreciate my mother in law more. Does she drive me crazy? Sure. Some days I wonder what in the world is she thinking?!?! For instance, insisting on having us all get together for dinner during the week, on top of other get togethers during the week(dh works for his unappreciative father). DH and I would like our own family time. When the boys were first born, I despised my MIL. Why? Because she was ALWAYS there. ALWAYS. Those first two weeks were HECK for me. I just gave birth to TWO babies, my mil thought she could tell me how to b/f(well, she was talking to dh on the other side of the curtain for things for me to try, etc, and never b/f her self). And she was at my house morning, noon, and night. And the biggest thing was she was home with Nicholas when I was at the hospital with Anthony. I felt like she was getting to bond with him and I wasn't.

That was three years ago. I've changed. I've learned. I'm now a mother. And my MIL raised the most amazing father/husband I could have ever asked for. My dh is 100% Italian, whose father does absolutely nothing. Nothing. He works, brings home a paycheck, and tends to the garden. That's it. He plays cards three nights/week. That's it. My dh cooks, cleans, takes care of his kids-everything his father DIDN'T do. He very easily could have been just like his father. But he isn't. And I have my mother in law to thank! I think being a MIL just comes with the territory and the gripes as well. I know I will be a MIL someday. And I know I will drive my son-in-law and daughter-in-laws nuts! :laughing: I think it's just part of the title! And my MIL is a SAINT compared to some I know! :laughing:

Now my MIL doesn't come over all the time. In fact, rarely. Don't get me wrong-she will watch the kids in an instant! She would be over here at 3 am if we needed her to be.

 

My DH jokes that if we ever got a divorce, I would see his family more than he would. I really do love my in-laws. They have their faults, but so do my parents. I am extremely thankful to have such a good relationship with them. (It probably helps that I've know DH and his family for 15 years!)

I must agree that I don't think I could take my MIL six days a week EVER AGAIN. That much time with her drove me insane. But one night a week for 11 weeks won't be so bad. She definitely raised an awesome man and her daughter (one of my best friends) is wonderful too!