I feel bad for my Sarah

Poor Sarah. She inherited my social skills. It's feeling like I'm watching my childhood all over sometimes. Every adult in her life will tell what an honestly sweet, loving, caring girl she is. Her teachers adore her because she always notices small details like earrings or shoes and tells them how pretty it is. She has never said anything purposely unkind to anyone in her life, that includes at home. She is always making cards and presents for everyone and drawing pictures for them. Sarah is genuinely one of the sweetest, kindest people I know, and that includes the adults I know. All she wants is a friend.

Sarah told me this morning about recess yesterday. She got up the courage to go ask some girls if she could play with them. They told her no because she wasn't in their club. It's heart-breaking for her. She did seem surprised when I was able to name the girls acting like that and wondered how I knew who it was. It's because their moms act like that. I told her that too. I told her that the girls probably weren't being mean on purpose, but that's how their moms act and how they treat me so I'm not surprised that the girls act like that. So we had the whole chat about looking for someone who's by themselves and maybe seeing if they want to play. Her teacher is trying to steer her that way also. Sarah's just so quiet she gets overlooked and I don't think she's let most of the girls see who she really is so they want to play with her.

I just feel for her. She has an old soul in a young body. She instinctively understands thing that most of kids her age seem oblivious too. Sarah always asks very intuitive questions and will call you out on a half or incomplete answer. She also reads body language incredibly well. She also is advanced academically. She reads at about a 5th grade level. Her current books are the full-version series of "Little House on the Prairie". And in math she is near the top of her class. She won't go check out more advanced books in the school library because she doesn't want to appear anymore different than the kids in her class than she already feels. She got called a liar by one little boy because she mentioned she got to go check out the advanced books in kindergarten.

Thanks for listening. I don't feel like Sarah's gone through anything too mean or rougher than a normal kid. That combo of an old soul in a young body just seems to make her have difficulty being social with her peers. I had troubles like that too. So I hold her when she cries and tell her stories of her mother having the same problem. We're going to have a bday party with all the girls in her class next month for her (Timothy gets one with the boys in his class). She's excited. I'm also hoping that by putting the party on Sarah's terms in her house that she'll relax enough so that the other girls can see that she is fun and is worth spending time with.

Marissa

 

Just want to add that I don't care if my kids are the most popular or not. But Sarah is bothered by the lack of a good friend, so it bothers me. I honestly don't know if Timothy has any kids that he considers good friends or not. Most of the boys (Timothy included) just go out at recess and have a pick-up game of soccer or football. They seem to play one class against the other (there are only 2 first grade classes) and just go run and play as a pack. The girls seems to divide up into little groups that accentuate personal friendships.

Marissa

 

:hug: That is very hard not feeling like you have any friends. I don't wish my childhood on anyone... and hope they don't have to experience 'my' social life. Is there any ONE child in her class that perhaps can be invited over to strengthen their relationship? Good luck. I didn't have much support growing up so it's all new terratory for me as well.

 

I honestly don't know if there is one. That's part of breaks my heart. I was the loner child without friends. Grown-ups loved me, kids didn't. And I see the same thing happening with her. I'm also not in her class as much to see what's going on. Timothy's teacher uses more parents than Sarah's teacher. So, I can tell you the personalities of the kids in his class and who Timothy meshes well with, but I can't with Sarah. I go up when she wants help, she just doesn't want it as much. There are also a noticeable lack of girls. There are about 16 girls in the whole first grade. By the time you have 2 or 3 little groups that don't want outsiders, there are very few left. She will play soccer with the boys, but doesn't always want too.

I've tried having her play with a 2nd grade girl on our street. She moved here from England (Air Force). Sarah likes playing with her, when she'll play. Sometimes Sarah will go down and the girl will just talk on the phone the whole time. Or the girl will sit and play computer the whole time and let Sarah watch. It's not very fun for Sarah.

I think the goal is to make through one more week till xmas break. Then they'll be visiting cousins and aunts and uncles. After that, it's a short time till bdays and her party. She's planned a dress-up party. We got foam flower leis for the girls to make and foam tiara's to decorate and wear. We're going to ask everyone to bring their favorite dress-up and put on a fashion show. And if that doesn't break the ice with some of these girls, then I don't know what will.

Marissa

 

Sorry Sarah is going through this. She seems like such a great kid .. and some day .. she'll find her own way .. but it sure doesn't help her for now. I think the party is a great idea ! Hopefully at least ONE girl will see how sweet she is and will want to get closer to her as a friend. My dd, Jill, never had any real friends until 8th grade .. but now she has SO many friends. She got involved in the drama and music clubs and met some kids that had the same interests as her .. I think that helped a lot.
Good luck with the party !

 

That would break my heart too. I've felt sad watching some of the interactions in my kids' pre-K class even though I know those things are normal, and apparently not an ongoing problem for my kids (at least not in this class). It's just so hard to see your child have her feelings hurt. :cry: And I worry that my Sarah is going to be that child when she gets older, when girls start to divide up in a more lasting way (rather than the more fluid nature of preschool friendships).

I wanted to recommend a book -- "The New Girl ... and Me" by Jacqui Robbins. We actually got it for free in a Cheerios box :ibiggrin: but it's been a big hit. It's about a girl (apparently around 6-7 years old) who is generally not popular, but makes friends with a new girl at her school. It's just a sweet little story about learning how to approach people and trusting that there are friends out there. Obviously the reading level is way below Little House on the Prairie, but maybe she'd let you read it to her?

It sounds like you're handling it just right -- I would also second the suggestion of maybe having her choose one girl in class that she would want to invite over.

Kids can be so mean. I've been thinking of this more and more as my kids get closer to elementary school. I had a relatively happy childhood, but there was still a lot of emotional pain, because it's just inevitable. I dread having to see my kids go through it.

OK, sorry, I didn't mean to bum you out even more!

 

Oh Marrisa! :hug: I don't know if I'm just having one of those days or what, but I burst into tears reading your post. I can so relate. That was me, even up to the Little House on the Prairie books and being called a liar (except it was a teacher, when I said I read the encyclopedia at home). I often felt more comfortable around adults than kids my age. School can be such a tough environment. All I can think of is that "It's gets better" campaign. Just keep reminding her of that. There are also so many more activities, classes, and camps for kids these days, maybe you can find her something with like-minded kids in it?
It's so tough, you wish every one could see how wonderful your kids are and treat them as nicely as they treat others.

 

:grouphug: One of my twin DDs (and myself as a child) are similar to your Sarah.

Some the the 'groups'/ cliques of K-3 rd and beyond are normal developmentally, but still hard to deal with. A few suggestions:

1. find a friend that is in art/dance/school/whatever and schedule a playdate or series of playdates- try to keep them focused and short at first (plan an activity or event).

2. Talk to the teacher and see what is happening at school. Maybe she can read some groupwide stories or do some social activities (that way no pinpointing your DD, but doing a classwide focus topic. I am sure there is as least one more child in the class that may be feeling 'left out').

3. Do some social skills at home. Practice what to say, what you can do, etc when you want to play or do something with another kid.

4. Look for a book group or group that she can get involved in and build some friendships (Girl Scouts, library book club, church/religious group, zoo or science center classes) with students that may be interested in the same thing and/or on the same level.

5. recognize her thoughtfulness by maybe involving her in some volunteer work ( volunteer at retirement home, bake cookies for hospital, help at the local animal shelter??) to nurture that side of her. It could help her sense of self to be able to use her talents and personality to help other people (my own DD takes great joy in helping others) and may help build a good multi-age friendship base. It will help off-set the negative comments she may get from others.

6. Talk with her about her abilities and try to make her proud of them instead of scared to say anything. Explain that other kids may say things, but they may be envious/no believe her/ angry that she can do those things, etc. That will at least give her some insight on why other kids act that way.

I hope it goes well. One of my DD has tons of PreK friends and is always in the middle of the social play. The other DD prefers to play with the adults and by herself (though she is not shy). She is not rejected by her peers--rather jut functions in her own little world.

 

Oh Marissa, this post broke my heart as well. I can so relate, I had a rough childhood as well (although not horrible in the scheme of things) and when I even sense anything like that happening with the kids (real or imagined) it's very hard for me.

My parents always told me to just be a friend. It sounds like your little girl is able to do that, hopefully she will find girls that appreciate that. My friends were always from different groups, and it's that way into adulthood. I don't have a sex and the city group of girl friends, more like i collect friends from various points in my life (if that makes sense).

Sarah sounds like a wonderful little girl and as long as you support her and make her feel good about herself, I think she'll be fine.

 

How I wish you lived closer! One of my girls is just like that (she gets it from me)--I bet they would be great friends.

 

Thanks for all the support! I really appreciate it. There are several of you that I wish I lived closer to because I think we would hit it off. And Kelly, those were all my old copies of "Little House" that Sarah's been reading.

Her teacher is aware of what is going on. Her teacher was another shy, quiet, non-communicative child so she's helping do what she can. She points how kids at recess who are also by themselves. She also tries to do class team-building stuff for everybody to get to know everybody else.

We are planning on activities starting in 2nd. My kids need their sleep and their downtime, especially Sarah. They only had 1/2 day kinder, so we wanted to give them time for the adjustment to all day and homework before introducing activities to the mix. She is very interested in horseback riding and I found a place that does lessons for reasonable on Saturdays. Sarah is also interested in Girl Scouts. So, we'll see what she picks. We're only going to start with one activity.

I'll keep on it with her. The girl I had thought would be a good fit is moving to Scotland in the spring. The girl she had wanted to be friends with last year ended up moving to Illinois. She knows the girl down the street will move soon because of the air force. I wonder if deep down Sarah's not only scared of putting herself out there and then the person moving.

I'm going to distract her today. In a few minutes, I'll pick them up and take them shopping to pick out the xmas present for grandma. She loves getting presents for people.

Marissa

 

DD has had the worst luck with friends. Every time she gets close to someone, they move. This has happened with 3 girls so far. One of them keeps in touch with her. She has been on the gymnastics team for nearly 2 years now and has just finally made a friend. Her friend just made the next level, and DD did not, so they will be separated, and she is seriously bummed. It is hard to see our kids suffer through the harder parts of being a child.

 

Update- How a day changes everything. We had our chat this morning about what happened yesterday. We talked about how those girls are just acting like their moms and some people are like that and just find someone else. And Sarah came home today telling me that today was the best day of recess ever. She told me that she just didn't even bother with those girls again today (her words) and she just went and played with K. K is the one getting ready to move to Scotland but they had a good time. And then in the afternoon she played football toss with her brother and 2 other kids. It's good to see her bouncing around happy again.

Marissa

 

Yay, I'm happy to hear that yesterday was a better day.