Tantrums out of control

My son. The only reasons he ever has a tantrum is when he's not really "in control" of something. Things have to be a certain way, and when they deviate from how he was envisioning he can't handle it. I guess that's probably true for all kids, but it's never about saying no to a toy or a treat, or for not sharing or not listening. It's always over things like using a certain potty or not being able to turn the water off by himself on his own time. I hate standing around and waiting for a 2 year old to tell me when he's ready or how something needs to be done every step of the way. Especially when there is no time for it. And I think his behavior in those situations is unacceptable (immediate tantrum, screaming no repeatedly and foot stomping, beyond reasoning with) - I know he's 2 (closer to 3), but he needs to learn that's not the way to deal with something. Once his mind is set on something, he will never forget it, no matter how many choices or creative distraction tactics I come up with.

I know a lot of kids have tantrums because they're behind on their commmunication skills, but I think he's the opposite and it's not that at all. I think his mind is always working and sometimes I think he thinks I am being unreasonable for no good reason and it makes him mad. He asks a lot of intuitive questions for a 2 year old and always wants to know the ins and outs of things. (The other night he got out of bed, opened his door and called for us because he had to ask "what is science?")

Today he had a 45 minute tantrum before nap time because we didn't put the puzzles away. It's not as innocent as that sounds though. There were puzzles all over and there are some days I just want things cleaned up whether they help or not. I was not hounding them to help me, and they weren't making any attempt to. Instead I wanted them to go on the potty before we went upstairs. Of course he refused and that got him a time out. After time out was over, he still refused so he got another time out. Finally I just gave him a time out in his room while I got my daughter ready. This is where the tantrum began because now he wanted to put the last 4 puzzles away. Sorry, but I'm not delaying nap another 30 minutes to wait for him to complete 4 puzzles. He would not let go of the puzzle idea and would not stop screaming about puzzles. After he finally calmed down on his own - a good 15 minutes - I let him out to go potty before he got into bed. He spent the whole time whining about puzzles some more, sat for 8 minutes without peeing, and would not let me help him up because he said he wasn't finished and continued to whine about the puzzles. I'm not a boy, so maybe they work differently, but I took the assumption that if you have to pee it would have come in 8 minutes, so I finally took him off the potty with him screaming like a maniac and put him back in his room. I couldn't even get his pants up because he was flailing around so much. So I left him in his room screaming about not only the puzzles, but having to go potty now. I put the little potty in his room, and his response was to throw it out over the gate while screaming he wanted to use the big potty. This went on for 45 minutes. And it makes me CRAZY. It seriously takes me the rest of the day to calm down. I feel like I need mommy school to deal with this.

So I'm looking for suggestions on any good book recommendations that may help when dealing with "sensitive" children. Clearly I'm not doing something right with him and I'm constantly fueling the fire. I find myself questioning myself every day, and feeling guilty, thinking maybe I should have just given in to begin with so we could have avoided the whole mess.

 

No book suggestions, but I think you need to work with him, not against him. I would really recommend counting when you want him to finish something or setting a timer. "You have until Mommy counts to 3 to finish washing your hands, and then we are going to turn the water off. 1, 2, 3." Or, "we are going to puck up until the timer goes off and then we are going to do X." On choices, just clearly tell him that A and B are his only choices and he has until Mommy counts to 3 to pick or Mommy is going to pick. I think you need to stay calm an reasoned. Getting frazzled just frazzles them. And give him freedom when you can.

 

Thanks for your response. Funny thing about the counting...after listening to him scream about having to go potty (after throwing the little potty out of his room) I felt awful hearing him scream about having to go, even though I suspected he was crying wolf. But I had no idea what to do if I got him back on the potty and he still didn't go and started talking about puzzles all over again. I told him if he really had to go, I'd let him sit and I'd count to 10. If he wasn't going at 10, he would be finished. Then he started crying "no counting, mommy!" and that became his new thing to be upset about. But maybe if I was better about using this method more consistently before things got out of hand it would work. he really is the type that needs a consistent routine - if we did the same thing at the same time every day, he'd be fine. If he's used to the same discipline tactics for the same offenses, it goes much smoother. The problem lately is I'm floundering, trying to find the best approach with him. Seems like being strict with him is sending him straight into tantrum mode.

And the choices - he always picks C (his own option) and completely ignores the real choices. But I like the idea of counting to 3 for him to pick a real choice or I'll do it for him. I know it will end up in a tantrum, but maybe after a few times it will sink in.

 

Sorry things are so rough right now. Your DS sounds a lot like my oldest. He had a really difficult time moving on when things didn't go his way (i.e. 45-60 minute tantrum if he didn't want to get out of the tub and I got him out). He has always been a very intense guy and has been very challenging at times. Things definitely have become easier and he has always received great reports from pre-k and kindergarten.

I have read a lot of books and have listed some below. So much of it has to do with how I react and behave and creating positive times interacting with him since it is really easy to get in a rut of power struggles and frustration of both parts. He really isn't trying to pluck your nerve and drive you insane, you are simply an obstacle in getting what he wants!! Really try to model calmness and control as that is what you need from him. His behavior won't instantly improve but you will feel so much better about things.


http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-Child/dp/0761521364/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291426288&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Clinically-Six-Year-Olds/dp/0071667822/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291427216&sr=1-3

http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Happiness-Simple-Happier-Parents/dp/0345515617/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1291427114&sr=1-1

This one below is an interesting read to help understand how he interacts with the world and some things he may wish to avoid and crave.

http://www.amazon.com/Out---Sync-Child-Recognizing-Processing/dp/0399531653/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291426568&sr=1-1

 

He sounds like my Jack. Good boundaries, helping him vocalize feelings, and giving him the occasional victory are key. I also move him to another room when he wants to tantrum. So I'll put him in a room the rest of us aren't in and tell him he can come back when he is happy. Every few minutes, I ask if his ready--really cheery. I tell him we will be really happy to see him when he's happy. Then when he finally comes back, I make a big deal out of being happy to see him. Just remember that it's more of an art than a science. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and listen to your instincts.

 

Thanks so much for taking the time to link these in. I will definitely be checking them out. It's comforting to hear from others who have had similar struggles, and have come out ok on the other side!

 

You are not alone. I could have written this. I am feeling the same way with one of my twins. She is acting the same way your son is acting. I have no advice as of yet. But if I find a solution I will let you know! ((hugs))

 

I forgot a key trick for us. Try to use "can" language instead of no or can't language wherever you can. So tell him things like, we can pick up the puzzles as soon as you wake up. Also use language that affirms his feelings, like "I know you really want to puck up puzzles now but we have to take a nap. We can pick up puzzles as soon as you wake up.". Those things help a lot in our house.

 

Thanks for the tips. I do this with him too. I actually said both of these exact things to him before it got too far out of hand, but he didn't care. These things will work for my daughter, but not him. When he wants something he wants it. He is sooooo stubborn!

 

this is my son to a T - and he's nearly 5 and its only getting better by inches...choices don't work, TO's don't work pretty much ignoring him is the only thing that helps...

 

Denise- you and I have A LOT in common A TON.

BOTH of my boys are like your son. HIGHLY intelligent and therein lies the problem; I believe.

The book for people like us is.. "Setting Limits with your Strong willed Child." And again, I cannot say enough about "ScreamFree Parenting."

PP was right about working WITH him. It's a MUST. Smart children are a force to be reckoned with. We have to harness this energy and learn (it is sooo hard and I am near tears almost every hour) to make it work for us and especially for them.

No one EVER gets why I am having (and really have had since birth since they were colicky as well), such a hard time.. it's because they are STRONG WILLED.

That is the term for it.

Anyway, I was a strong willed child and hey, still am a strong willed adult- a hem..

Take care and PM me anytime. WE need to meet!

 

Before I read anything else, this is totally how my son is when he tantrums. (Although he throws tantrums mostly over being told no.)

 

Ok, once again, exactly how my son is.

I have finally been having a teeny tiny bit of success using Love & Logic principles. I have the Love & Logic for the Preschool Years book. Some of the basic premises are to give kids as much responsibility and control as you can. Save the power struggles for when you truly need to win. The book says to offer him as many choices throughout the day as you can. This only works part of the time with DS because he likes to pick something that is unacceptable to me. However, I still use it and he is getting better about picking one of the choices I am offering. Examples of choices I give: bath now or in 5 minutes, bath with bubbles or without, walk to the bathroom or hop like a bunny to the bathroom, shirt on first or pants on first, etc.

Other ideas from the book that I am seeing some success with: use enforceable statements which means say what you will do rather than what they shouldn't do. (If you keep screaming, I will put you in your room. If you bang your fork on the table, I will take it away.) Also don't give repeated warnings. Set the limit once through an enforceable statement and then follow through immediately.

For me, following through immediately rather than giving warnings is difficult, but I see him respond to it better because he doesn't have to guess how many more times I will put up with X before he really gets in trouble.

 

Strong-willed, that is for sure! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this too, and with 2 kids I could not even imagine! Definitely adding your book recommendations to my list!

 

Thanks, this is good advice. I have to get more creative with my choices. Maybe if I threw in more options like "hop like a bunny" he may actually forget about being mad for a second. It's hard to get creative and think like a 2 year old when they're really testing you and pushing your buttons, but if I keep ideas like this in the back of my mind it might help sometimes. I'll be looking for the Love & Logic books too.

 

Thinking up interesting choices is really hard in the moment. I know Aidan throws a fit and refuses to do certain things every single day, so I try to think up some good choices ahead of time to distract him from being defiant and get him excited about doing the task. To get a child to go somewhere he doesn't want to go, hopping like a bunny, crawling like a dog/cat/bear/etc, swimming like a fish (using your hands as fins), etc, works really well.

For us, brushing teeth is one of the biggest battles. Here are some of the choices I give him with toothbrushing. Pick which toothbrush and toothpaste. I brush his teeth first or he does it first. Brushing while standing up or sitting down. Which step stool to stand on. Which bathroom to do it in. Etc. He doesn't get all of these choices every time, but I give him 1-2 each morning.

I am reading Raising Your Spirited Child right now, but I just started it. I don't know if it will be very useful or not, but I have heard good things about it.

ETA: For me, one of the hardest parts was accepting that I need to jump through these hoops to get him to do things when I kind of want him to just do it because I said so. I've tried to get firm and give a TO or consequence when he doesn't do as I say, but it backfired big time. He just got more and more defiant over the weeks and was in TO all the time. I'm learning that he is strong willed, just as I am, and when I get more firm and expect obedience just because I say so without taking into account his temperment, he digs in his heels and is even more intent on being defiant and disobedient. He's not a bad kid. He's very intelligent, opinionated about how things should be and persistent. I'm trying to adapt my discipline and parenting to better work for that combo. It's hard, and I wished I could just say "Because I said so!" and he'd do what I want. But that's just not happening right now.

 

This is so true, and every word of it really hits home with me!

How do you handle it if he doesn't accept one of your choices and still has a tantrum?

 

Then he either wises up or goes to the "fit room." That's it cuz he's run out of options w/ me.

 

If he doesn't pick one or picks something that was not an option, I pick for him. And yes, that usually means he throws a tantrum. I tell him he has to go to his room until he is ready to stop screaming and be nice. Then I give him a choice if he wants the door open or closed. He usually says open, so I remind him if he comes out before he is ready to act nice then I will shut the door. He used to come right out, and I'd have to shut (and eventually lock) his door. Now he understands the process and will stand in his doorway throwing his fit, but never actually getting out of his room.

The problem I've run into is when this is all happening and the school bus is coming in 5 minutes. Then I just physically try to get whatever it is done (like toothbrushing) so he doesn't miss the bus.