The defiant one

:headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

I should probably start by saying that being 36 weeks pregnant is not helping me ...

How do you deal with a child that is defiant with everything he does? This past week is killing me! Aaden has really picked up on this behavior where if he's caught doing something wrong he does it harder/faster/longer/etc. until you get to him and stop the action. Examples: banging spoon on the table during breakfast and cereal is flying everywhere or banging a toy hammer/bat on the window. He doesn't stop when told no or even give it a thought of "I'm gonna get in trouble". Izak is usually very good when being told to stop or no. Don't get me wrong ... he can definitely give me a run for my money too. But with Aaden it's all in the eyes. OOOOOOO .... that look. :diablo: Grrr. I am trying to be consistent with how I discipline him i.e. warning and than TO but the poor boy would be in TO all the time. Yesterday he was there 5 times.

He also has a frustration problem. How in the world does a 2 year old get soooo frustrated? If he drops a toy (because he has 5 of them in his hand), if a toy doesn't work the way he wants it too, if his brother has something he wants, if you take something away that he shouldn't have, etc. he pitches a fit and than finds the nearest toy, picks it up and throws it. That lands him in an immediate TO.

I'm really just trying to be consistent with him and work through his emotions with him but I guess my real question is how to not let it affect ME so much. I'm not going to lie ... he gets my goat with these types of situations. It's that look, I swear. Drives me insane. I'm tired, really pregnant, and a whole nother heap of emotions waiting on this baby and I'm finding it hard to not let my anger/frustration show. Not doing so well on that. I sometimes feel like all I do is yell at him and than I feel like a bad mom. Feeling a little like this :drown: and maybe a little of this :escape: . Thoughts?

 

Umm, did you read my post about SOS-My son is driving me insane? Well, I am totally there with you (except on the pregnant part). I am finding a lot of wisdom in the book Love & Logic for the Early Years (ages 2-6). One thing that has helped me is to use "enforceable statements" which means that you only says things to them that you can actually enforce. So instead of saying "Stop banging that spoon right now" you would say "I'll be happy to give you your lunch when you stop banging the spoon" and then take away his plate. He'll throw a fit obviously. You can give him a few minutes to calm down right there or you can send him to his room/TO until he is ready to sit at the table nicely. It's exhausting. I won't lie. But I have found that these enforceable statements help me stay calm because I can actually enforce them rather than telling DS to stop a million times and then threatening TO (which he doesn't care about), etc.

I also am trying to let some things go and just focus on the big things right now. If DS won't stay at the table to eat, so what? I tell him and set a timer for when lunchtime is over. When the timer goes off, the table gets cleared. If he didn't eat, that's his choice. He can eat again at snack time or dinner. Instead of nagging or getting upset, I am letting the natural consequence teach him. If he doesn't eat at meal time, he will get hungry.

I will also say that many kids (both of mine included) LOVE to see that they've upset me or caused me to lose my cool. It makes them feel big and powerful to make mom so upset. So, it is very important to stay calm and in control. I don't do it all the time either, but I notice a big difference between when I am calm and when I get upset with them.

It's hard. I know. I am in defiant strong-willed 3 yo hell on a daily basis right now. :grouphug:

 

Oh, I know that look! :headbang:
And it drives me insane too.


Some days I wonder why no one's invented a boarding school for toddlers! :laughing:


In all seriousness, I completely relate to your frustration though. One thing that helps here is giving DD some control. For her, she's very dominant personality. So, if I give her control over something small it helps. Also, sometimes letting her get there on her own.

For example, we typically have the rule that dinner is eaten as a family at the dining room table. Well, last night, DD didn't want to sit at the big table. She wanted to sit at their little table in the living. So instead of fighting her, DS sat in his seat and SO and I sat in ours. We just continued on like nothing was out of place and were chitchatting. Not even 2 minutes later here comes DD with her cup and puts it at her spot. Then she went and got her plate and came back. Then she proudly says, "I want to sit at the big table!" If we had tried to force the issue from the beginning, it would have been a fight. Neither of us felt like dealing with that, so we just said, "Fine. You got sit over there. We'll sit over here."

 

Haha, I was just going to try the meal timer at our house... my dd will drag a meal out for an hour if given the opportunity. meanwhile my nanny is trying to get her to eat and trying to be sweet with her. I told the nanny this morning that she can't just let my dd drag it out forever like that (I think the nanny is just trying to get her to eat..)... anyway, I'll be interested if we can get a timer to work with us.

the other thing I would add is to tell him what you WANT him to do. so instead of saying the "quit banging the spoon"... you could say put the food on the spoon or put the spoon in your mouth...? if they were banging the bowl, you could say "the bowl stays on the table"...

I'm very sure the the hormones of being pregnant are feeding the situations! I've read a different book, "Easy to Love Hard to Discipline" by Becky Bailey and it sounds similar. you could search for any of my other posts by searching for "Becky Bailey" to see other hints I wrote... Its all a bit learning experience I've found! I'm learning more each day. But I will say that I haven't really done many time outs lately and whatever I've tried must be working! Not that we have all peaceful days... but its been a lot better than a month ago!

 

Oh yes I can totally relate! Ashton is my defiant boy, he looks for every opportunity to get away with something he knows is naughty. Same with the frustration issues, the tiniest thing sends him into a melt down and half the time I don't even know what he's upset about. His brother generally aims to please me and discipline with him is much easier. What I find works with Ashton is to tell him my expectation and the consequence if he doesn't listen (if u don't stop banging that spoon I'm gonna take it away). If u ask him to do something and he says no! I say "would u rather go to time out?" and then he usually complies. When he gets frustrated I encourage him to "try again, please" and if he succeeds I make a big deal about how he accomplished something by trying it more than once. I also try to point out when he does something that makes me or someone else happy, because I think he's not as motivated to please me as his brother is, maybe that's why he acts up so much?

 

I try to remind myself on a regular basis that if they weren't pushing boundaries and testing limits, I would be worried! Like Gina, I try to give as much control to the little ones as possible, that really helps prevent a lot of situations. And if the kiddos are banging on something that shouldn't be banged on with an object, they don't go in time out if they don't stop, the object does and sometimes that's more effective than putting them in TO.

I also read this book: Raising Your Spirited Child. The things I love most about the book: 1) gave some good strategies and 2) really helped me to rethink how I label traits of the kiddos in my brain, and I now make a more conscious effort to use more positive sounding labels to myself and when I'm talking to others. I sounds a little silly, but it seems to have made a huge difference in my being able to keep my cool.

 

Have to recommend the book "Setting Limimts with your Strong-Willed Child." It will change your life in MANY MANY ways!

Also loved, "ScreamFree Parenting." FANTASTIC READS!!

 

Strange thing happened the other day. My defiant one wasn't so bad after I had some fun one on one time with him. We were reading a new book that I guess he liked alot. Later he was a new kid! Now granted he's still challenging & exploring how much he can get away with things, but it was really an eye opener.

 

One of the things that I learned recently at parenting seminar (by Becky Bailey, book mentioned above), was that spending solid time with the kids is helpful in preventing tantrums etc. she mentioned that even just 5 full minutes a day without any interruptions was a plus. She also mentioned that when she got home from work she would set a timer for 30 minutes and do nothing but play. I've noticed that it helps with us.