the new inability to relax and self-soothe

my one LO can no longer go to sleep w/o being soothed by having his head rubbed or back rubbed.
this new thing started a few weeks ago and every night we put him down and he cries. :headbang: is this a phase??

 

Could be. I would just let him CIO. He's old enough now.

 

IMO, it's probably a developmental phase, which means he has some emotional needs at night that he might not have had before. Their world is constantly changing every day due to all the new things they are learning, so he probably needs that down time with you to be reassured and to connect.

If it were me I would just help him get to sleep and enjoy that time together. I am very much against CIO. There are other ways to help them deal with sleep issues.

 

We have had times when the girls needed to be soothed to go to sleep, but it never lasted more than a few days and I was able to just enjoy the cuddle time with them. However, if it's been lasting for over a week or so, I think instead of having shifting emotional needs or a developmental milestone, he may just be getting used to the soothing. I would CIO, but that's just my opinion.

 

I would cuddle him for a bit, put him in his crib, rub his back for a bit and then leave. If he is still crying after 10 minutes, you could go back in and reassure him if you think that would help. (For some kids going back in will make it worse). This has worked for my kids and was easier to do than when they were younger. I think after a few nights he will be going to sleep on his own. Good luck!

 

I would probably do a modified CIO as well, give him lots of snuggles and cuddles, then put him down with a quick back rub and then walk out. Go back in as needed every 5-10 mins. It does sound like he might be getting used to being rubbed back to sleep and he needs to relearn how to self soothe himself.

 

We just had a little spell of this as well. Just with one baby. All of a sudden she started crying hysterical at bedtime and I would go in and pat her back for quite awhile (not my usual routine at all). I thought maybe it was a teething thing, but then I also realized she just started to make strange with people about the same time. If we were somewhere and I left the room she started crying, even if Daddy was there too. The bedtime crying lasted about 2 weeks and now seems to be better. I would only comfort for a short period, never make eye contact because she will look at me and sit up in her crib. I usually just do it enough to calm her and let her relax so she could sleep. Its a fine line, because you want to comfort, yet not revert back to any bad sleep habits once you get into a good routine.

 

I agree with this, we've had to do this with DD a few times.

 

To me, needing or not needing to be soothed to sleep *is* a developmental milestone and an emotional need. I know lots of people won't agree with me, but I just wanted to be clear on what I meant. Most often discussions regarding sleep on this forum talk about the logistics of, and need to do, CIO. Every now and then someone mentions that they did not CIO, but we seldom hear why they made that decision. Because I don't often see people talking about why they decided not to CIO, I would like to offer my opinion.

To me, babies/toddlers getting used to the night time soothing is not a bad thing. It helps them go to sleep easily, and to me that's a normal thing for a baby to need. Not all need it, but many do. Especially a preverbal baby/toddler whose world is literally changing every single day.

IMO, most babies need nighttime soothing for a long time. Yes, they can learn to do without it when CIO is implemented. And I understand there are different forms of CIO. But, IMO, I believe in helping the child get to sleep until they basically outgrow the need for it. Once they are verbal they can begin to have conversations about what may be bothering them and why getting to sleep is hard. If they are just lonely, for example, and they articulate that once they become verbal, then I would treat that as a need that was just as valid as a toothache or whatever other physical ailment might keep them awake.

Like I say, I know lots of people think you have to teach a kid to learn to sleep on their own. People do what works for them.

But there are many people out there who believe that getting babies to sleep, and them not needing soothing, is a developmental milestone somewhat similar to walking, talking, potty training etc. Some kids learn early; some kids learn really late. For most of these milestones parents believe in following the kids' lead and letting them ease gently into these new skills. For some of us who chose not to do CIO, we believe in letting them ease their way into self soothing and sleep.

Just wanted to clarify where I was coming from.

I was soothed to sleep as a baby, slept in my parent's room through toddlerhood, and was always welcome to sleep with my parents or my grandmother (who lived with us) any time I was lonely or afraid. I am the best sleeper I know. I can go to sleep anywhere, any time, and sleep soundly. Just an antidote, but my own experience is one of the reasons I am against CIO and am pro co-sleeping.

ETA: grammar, etc.

Good luck!

 

honestly, how you decide to deal with it depends on how you're feeling about it. if you don't mind spending the time rubbing his back, then keep doing that, since it's working. if not, or if you feel like it's turning into a marathon soothing issue, than you can try changing the routine, either gradually or by doing CIO. there's lots of options. you just need to figure out a) if it's bothering you & b) how much it's bothering you. then you can figure out what you want to do about it, if anything.

i would also take a look at his overall sleep pattern - have there been any recent changes to his nap schedule? is he napping more, or less? is there something happening just before bed that might be winding him up, instead of soothing him down? sometimes i've found that when the girls start having sleep issues, changes have slowly crept into our routine that i hadn't noticed, that aren't really a big deal, but over time accumulate into a sleep deficit. GL!