Birthdy Invitation Dilemma

So reluctantly I accepted that the girls be split into two reception classes (that's like Kindergarten, but in the UK it starts at age 4). Anyway, this week we have gotten two birthday invitations for Nicole, and only Nicole. I called one mom and asked to bring Auburn (offering to offset any costs, etc.) and she gave a very luke-warm okay to this. The party is at her house and she only has so much room. I told her to call me if it looks like she'll be getting a lot of acceptances and we can bow out with no hard feelings. To compound difficulties, parents of guests (even 4 year old guests) are NOT expected to stay at the parties with their children (or really even wanted). This is not a culture trend that I am comfortable with. If she doesn't really want someone 3 ft tall and 30 lbs. I'm sure I would be over the top. Sigh.

We got another invitation, but the mother is out of town until next week, so I can't call her.

How would y'all handle this? I cannot imagine telling Auburn that she can't go to a party that her sister is going to. That would just be cruel at this age.

 

I'd probably plan something fun for your 2nd daughter to do during both parties (maybe a special outing with just you or DH?). I'm not the type to call and invite myself or my kid to things, but I know a lot of people are comfortable with it. For me, if I was hosting a small party at my house, I really wouldn't want an extra child that wasn't friends with the group I had planned.

I don't really think it's cruel to tell one of your kids that the other is going to do something without her... as long as you can find something similarly fun for her to do.

 

How could I explain it to her when I'd have to take Auburn with me to drop off Nicole and she'd get to watch all the kids go in to the party, etc. ? Her feelings would be very hurt by this, even if she and I do get to go do something fun together while the party is going on. Then, we'd go pick Nicole up from the party, where Nicole would leave with party favors and Auburn would honestly not understand why she and I went somewhere else instead of letting her go to the party too. I'm also really, really, REALLY not cool with the idea of leaving my 4 year old at a party with people I only know in passing. I understand that it's normal here, but I'm not quite ready for that cultural leap. The more I think about this, the more I feel like email the mom back in a few days and apologizing for being a waffle and bowing out entirely. I can send a present and card with the girls on the Friday before the party or something.

 

Even though my kids aren't at the school age yet this is something I've thought about. Assuming I was okay with one going to a party I would offer to let the other one invite a friend to do something fun (even if it was just some activity I planned at my house). I totally agree though that I wouldn't let my kids (even at ages older than 4) be left with someone else I didn't know well.

 

You will be surprised, it isn't the end of the world for them not to get the same thing/experiences all the time, and to be upset about it. That is part of the real world, and part of growing up. At some point Auburn will be invited and Nicole will not, and it will even out. If they were different ages, and not twins, would you call and ask if the other could come? Also, it is Nicole's friend, and not Auburn's having the party. It is OK for them to not have the same friends.

 

Unfortunately, get used to it. There will be a time when Auburn will get an invite and Nicole won't. I wondered what I should do when this happened to us .. and I ended up just taking the boy invited and letting the other have a special day doing something else. I've had a few moms who knew the boys were twins actually invite them BOTH .. but it's not always the case. Another thing you might want to consider is you might be inviting these same girls to your girls own birthday parties and if you always bow out .. they might not want to attend your girls parties.
I do, however, agree with not leaving my 4 yr old alone at a party with people I'm not that familiar with. I didn't even do it last year when mine were 5.

 

It's hard to tell. Even though the classes are split, they spend a lot of time with each other. Oddly enough, the girl having the party is more often mentioned by Auburn rather than Nicole.

 

I forgot to mention Auburn's best friend (other than Nicole) is in Nicole's class and will be going to the party.

Maybe y'all are right and I'm just being silly and over bearing and helicopter mom-ing. I just really wasn't prepared to try and explain social situations and inclusion and exclusion like this to them. It just seem so... young . And yes, I'm really about to start crying over all this. I'm not that great at navigating social waters to begin with and now I'm completely out of my depth.

 

Hang in there... this is harder on you than your girls, so even if it seems like a huge decision to you, no matter what you decide, your girls will be fine! If you're uncomfortable leaving your four year old at someone's house (and I'd be uncomfortable too), then bowing out seems like a decent idea. But then I'd let Nicole go to the other party and plan an outing for Auburn. Give it a try... the worst that can happen is that you decide you'll never split them up again!

Oh - and one more thought... could your husband/partner or a family member drive Nicole to the party? That way you don't have to drag Auburn along while you drop Nicole off.

 

We don't have a car here For the first time in my entire life I'm relying entirely on public transportation! After reading y'alls responses, we're going to think about it. We might see if Bryan can take Auburn to do something really fun while I take Nicole to the party. I looked around and the house isn't too far from where we live. I would have time to go to the park and walk for a couple of hours or something while she's at the party.

So now for my next question, once I figure out what we're doing, do I call/email the mom and apologize for being a social twit and inviting ourselves?

 

I would call the mom, and just say that you are sorry for putting her on the spot, and that you have thought about the party, and decided to take Auburn for a special "mom and me" type day. And then thank her for being willing to include Autumn.

 

I think it's perfectly fine for one child to be invited to a party and not the other. That is life, they will make their own friends and other people do not have to invite 2 children if they are friends with only one of them....especially if they are in differnt classes. I have always said ok when people have asked to bring other children and one time I really did not have the means or room to pay for another child, but the mother insisted that her daughter couldn't do anything without her younger sister and blah blah blah. She offered to pay for the extra child and I said ok. Well, she ran out of the party so fast and never paid for the other girl. I don't mind if it's something that is for a group of kids, but when I'm paying per kid it can add up. I know that some people offer to pay (and you did, I understand), but sometimes the birthday kid may just want his/her friends and not a bunch of siblings.

Now, I don't agree with a drop off party at 4 yrs. old. In fact, my daughter was just invited to a birthday party for this weekend by a little boy. Her twin brother was not invited to this party (He was a bit upset, but he is going to have some special time with Grandma that day and he's ok with that). The Mom wanted me to drop her off and I do not know this family and I am not comfortable just dropping her off so I asked to stay. If you really do not want your girls to go without both of them going, you could say that you're not comfortable with a drop off party at this age.

 

We had this problem last year. Lila was invited to a party & Luke wasn't invited. I know it is difficult & they are still young, but really it is a life skill that they must learn. I explained that they won't always be invited to the same things & it will all equal out in the end. For us, I found that, initially Luke was upset but, when the day came, he really was okay with it. He hung out with his dad and Lila went to the party and when she got home the first thing she did was divide up all the goodies she had brought home & gave him half. He was perfectly fine with that. It is probably better that they learn to deal with it early rather than waiting until they were older.

As for the drop off part, I would be okay with it if I knew the parents fairly well, but L&L are not usually okay with it right now. If they weren't comfortable being dropped off, I would just politely decline the invitation.

 

great topic, I love all the suggestions. I think with me having b/g twins I would be seeing this more than maybe the same sex twins, but still... if they were siblings that were separated by a year or two it wouldn't be an issue... I like that there are disappointments in life and that we need to train them about them early on. I keep meaning to even do errand separately on the weekends to get the kids used to going without each other all the time. good luck! 4 yrs does seem like a young age to leave them, hopefully it all works out perfectly! and I love Tina's story about Lila splitting her goodie bag! sweet!

 

Each weekend, I take a solo child to the grocery. We play up each child's activity as fun: "A is going to the grocery store with Mommy and J is going to stay home and play with Daddy.". They each get excited about their activity, and they've never expressed any upset at not doing the other activity. We've been doing that for close to a year.

 

I would never ask if I could bring a child to a party that was not invited (that's just me). That said, last month my DD was invited to a bday party that DS was not and they are in the same class at preschool. It was the first time it had happened, but I knew at some point it would happen. Honestly, I was okay with it. I don't want my twins to always be invited to everything together just because they are twins. I just told DS that only DD was invited and that he would be invited to parties that she was not invited to as well. He was a bit upset when she got an invitation and he did not, but he got over it. And the day of the party he was okay with it. They both have to learn they will not always do everything together.

I would be okay with a drop off party at that age if I knew the parents well.

 

But it is easier to explain to a child when a girl classmate invites all the girls in her class to the party or vice versa.

 

Personally I don't think it's cruel, it's life.

When one of my twins is invited and not the other we just split up duty and one of us take one to the bday party and the other stays home with the other one of us. no big deal.

 

I agree with the others, they have to learn they will not always be doing exactly the same thing. My twins have not had this situation yet, but we are splitting them up next year for preschool so I'm sure they will. I have sent one to preschool when the other was sick and they both cried, and they have cried their hearts out when big sister has had parties without them though, so I do understand where you are coming from - but they got over it.

I'm surprised drop off parties are common there at 4, but is the a "when in Rome" situation? The pp that mentioned thinking about when it's your girls birthday had a good point. I did have a mom ask if my twins 4 yr old party was a dropoff, I was surprised she asked but she seemed relieved when I said no.

ITA

 

its funny that you mention this - usually at pre-school if the parents don't have enough room for both they just don't invite either of them! Fortunately they are not allowed to hand out the invites, they are put in their mailboxes and more than once I've seen mailboxes with invites, but not my kids...and I'm actually ok with that - my kids go MWF, and if its one of the TTh kids thats having the party then they probably wouldn't even know them...

 

Brief update: I talked to her and she was cool. It's definitely a "when in Rome" situation. I asked her how that worked over here and she explained some of the ins and outs of children's parties and unwritten rules, etc. She also gave me a bunch of suggestions on stuff near her house to do while I wait for the party to end. There's a historic area right near by that I can go visit and she'll have plenty of adults to watch the kids. So I'll be nervous, but I think Auburn and Daddy will go to the Pottery Cafe or Build-A-Bear or something.