Preschool WWYD?

I know this subject has been breached before, but my perspective is a bit different.

My girls both qualified for early intervention preschool starting next month. I haven't had the formal meeting to say they were accepted. But a friend of mine works there and gave me the low down.

Here is the problem. She said they are going to be put in separate classes. My DH (who is also a twin) about had a fit when I told him. He is EXTREMELY opposed to the girls being separated this young. He has very strong and vivid memories of being separated from his brother in kindergarten. And he doesn't want the girls to go through what he remembers going through.

I did calm him down some and he said they can give it one try. If there is a single tear, they are to be put in the same class or not go at all. I will usually argue with him on many things I don't really agree with. this time I am not sure I agree with him, but I don't have the experience he has with this. I also want to respect his wishes when it is about something he is very emotional about.

As I don't know the official verdict of what they are going to do with the girls, I don't really want to go in there and be all on the defensive. Perhaps, they are just separating the girls based on room availability and not because "Oh they are twins and need to be separate."

How would you approach this meeting? Just an FYI, I have been told and have experienced already that the principal is quite the umm.. unpleasant person. I would really like the girls to go to this preschool, but I don't want it to be tramatic at all. Cripes they are only 3, why do they have to grow up right this minute? KWIM?

 

I would go into the meeting with an open mind. Listen to what they have to say regarding the girls' placement. Our preschool disabled program had 2 classes, one that was self-contained and one that was integrated. It could very well be that one needs the support of the self-contained setting while the other needs the integrated one. If that is the case, it would do both girls a disservice to place them in a classroom that is not appropriate for their needs.

I come from the perspective of not only having my boys in different classes in preschools, but for 3/4ths of it, they were in different schools. One thrived in the "traditional nursery school" while the other was at the elementary school in the preschool disabled class. Both thrived in their appropriate setting, and now as 3rd graders, are still thriving (despite being among the youngest in their grade) The best part of separation was allowing them to succeed on their own without feeling the pull of being compared to their brother (the one in the disabled program started reading at age 3 1/2).

 

I have the opposite experience with my sister, I really wish we had been split up more (ID twins). We were split in nursery school and had our own friends, which was really nice until we had to be put together again in kingergarten... and I really wish we had never been in the same classroom. It's hard enough being a twin, when you're in the same classroom you lose your individuality, you don't get your own friends... you're just 'the twins'...

If mine qualify for preschool with EI I hope that they will be separated. I don't know what your kids' delay is, but it's clear that mine often rely on the other to do or say things for them, and being alone will definitely push them to be more communicative.

 

My girls are together in prek and jessy still cried every day for a week(she doesn't handle change well). She's fine now. I just wanted to point out that crying isn't alwaysbecause they were split. My girls will be going to different k classes much to the dismay of their gma. The girls vary widely in learning styles and distract each other too much with affection. Their teachers says if they sit together they can't keep their hands off each other.

 

I am in the same boat as Sharon. My twins had to be sep this year for preschool as well. My daughter is in a church preschool. My son an elem school special ed preschool. I asked if she could go as a typical but they don't do that....in retrospect it worked out well. It was tough for a day or two but it's better for them in the long run. For my two anyway. Not sure of your two. They have their own friends and their dif needs are being met....my son needs more speech and my daughter needs just the typical 2 year old stuff.....it is tough keeping 3 schedules of 3 dif schools as I teach at yet a dif school and I was VERY apprehensive about sep them but it is going well and I think they will be ok if this is what the school pushes. Again go with an open mind. Perhaps there are better reasons than just because they are twins. If not and your gut says they should be together, then fight it. Moms are usually right.

 

My two are on different levels and I do not want the separated. (unless when older they make the decision on their own) One thing I have learned about having kids in school is that academics is a very important part of a child's development but social life is just as equal to that if not a touch more. If they have a great social life, they will do better academically. You can ruin a child's perspective on school if you do the slightest thing to hurt their social life and sometimes twins do depend on each other for that. Each set may be different and it is a personal choice but for my girls there is no way at the pre-k level they are ready to be faced with separation. I am not in the club of the sooner the better, if my girls need or want to be separated it will become apparent the older they get NOT on the first day of pre-k because some school officials that don't know my twins believe that they will do better. I agree with your dh, he has first hand experience and I would listen to experience. I would use their first pre-k year as a guide - not a separation trauma.

 

Ditto.

 

I'd like to point out though that in my experience, the fact that twins depend on each other for social interactions can actually hinder their social life. They need to learn to be around other kids without their twin always being there.

 

By the way, many of my opinions on separation come from the experiences of my MIL. She is an ID twin who was never separated from her sister. She hated that her sister dominated her. To this day, she rarely talks about her sister, why? Because when they were in their 20's her sister died from breast cancer, and she has never truly been able to deal with it. She has been separated from her sister for over 40 years now, and because of the closeness that was forced upon them as young children, she still has trouble dealing with her loss.

I have to agree with the PPer about a dependent twin relationship being more of a problem socially that allowing them to spread their wings without their twin. Many kids are intimidated by the twin bond and really don't want to be friends with a unit, and don't know how to be friends with one or the other.

 

My experience in preschool was (the teachers backed my observations up) that they were in the same room, but rarely interacted. Sometimes one would look for the other, but just to see if the other one was there... a glance, and then went back to play. I am an identical twin and my sister & I were seperated throughout our 12 year school history. I do vote to seperate in grade school, but depending on where they are and their comfort level, not necessarily in preschool. My hubby wanted them together their entire school career! :shok: I'm glad he's seeing it differently now. They are seperate now in K and each of their teachers are perfect for them. He needs more structure (he didn't do so well with their last preschool teacher because of this... she was very flexible) and she is more open to changes.

In the end, it depends on each individual kid and their social development. The last year of preschool, C was holding A back and A didn't want to be 'copied' by her brother... which cemented my decision to have them seperate in Kindergarten.

Good luck!

 

I think you should go to the meeting with an open mind.
Also remember that your husbands vivid memories are those of an emotional 5 year old. Even though he has now grown into a rational adult, it is to be expected that he has a hard time transfering that rationality onto an event his 5 year old self experienced. And while it was hard and difficult for him, he never expirienced the other option. And as other's anecdotes show, it's human nature to think that the grass is greener.

 

Thanks everyone. We have decided that we will let them try the separation. IF it goes okay, then it is okay. But if either of them get overly emotional for the other, then they will have to be put together or wait a year. I think the one will be just fine without her sister. It is the other that I am more worried about. You all gave me very different things to think about. I really appreciate all that you have shared

 

Right here is a reason that you should go ahead with separation. Is it fair for a 3 year old to have to be responsible for making their sibling feel better? That is a job for adults (and the ones working these programs are very good at stuff like this). It is one thing when, like Jackie experienced, they don't rely on each other. But if one NEEDs the other, is it really fair for their sibling to shoulder that responsibility? They should be allowed to be a 3 year old as well.

 

The bolded area is exactly why my two are seperated now in Kindergarten. During their 2nd year of preschool (together) it became apparent that he relied on her a lot... so it has worked out beautifully! !

 

Hmm... there is just something about this that seriously rubs me the wrong way. Maybe it is the talking down to me, maybe it is the assumption that I let my 3 yo shoulder adult responsibilities... Maybe it is the over all judgemental tone it puts off.

At 3, I doubt one really is that aware of responsibility or that she is somehow being compromised in some way that strange adults (to her) have thought up. I do know that at 3 there is a lot of fear and insecurities. I do know many 3 yos that still carry or use security blankets, nuks, bears, thumbsucking, etc. I do know that as a family I have always taught all my kids to look out for each other. That is what I was taught as a child and will continue to teach it to my children. Looking out for each other IS their responsibility for being part of our family unit no matter their age.

At 3, I will be expecting my child to get on a huge yellow bus, go to a huge strange school, associate with strangers with varying disabilities, associate with strange unfamiliar adults, experience unfamiliar routines and new rules, be yanked from her mother, and also be yanked from her only constant her entire life, her sister. That is A LOT to ask of most of us. It is especially a lot to ask of a 3 yo.

No where did I post saying that I expect them to be together forever. I asked advice and experiences for this age. I did not ask for judgement or criticism.

I really do appreciate those who have offered opinions and their experiences. Thanks again. It gave me a lot to think on and consider when I go speak with the principal on the 22nd. This is a big transition that we all will face with our twinkies.

 

I think you are reading more into my post than I meant. My point is, you are saying that one needs the other--or at least it looked that way. Is it fair for the one who you feel will do OK to be needed by a same age sibling? In general, 3 year olds are only concerned with themselves (developmentally), you see it with parallel play vs. cooperative play. So, my question is that should a 3 year old be relied on to be the security for their sibling? I asked this question not to judge, but to offer a different perspective. My 3 year old did go off on the bus by himself to a new school, in the middle of the year, taking him away from the only teacher and classmates that he knew. Was he upset about it for the first few days? Sure, but it was the best thing to do for him. And that is the perspective I was trying to offer, was to look at what is right for each child, not the unit of the twins.