The terrible twos

My B/G twins are almost 2.5 years old. DD is calm, rarely has a meltdown, eats and sleeps well and is not temper tantrum-prone at all. DS is the opposite.

DS´s behaviour has deteriorated since I had a weekend away at the end of October (I left the LOs with the ILs, whom they know very well) and he´s having more than 2 major tantrums a day. As they are in daycare in the afternoons, that seems quite a lot to me. He loses it over little things (like a toy not standing up the way he likes it to) but it all boils down to him not getting his way. I´ve tried ignoring the screaming but it actually makes him 10x worse. I end up giving him a cuddle as he seems to need it & calms faster. I lost my cool with him last Friday and it didnt help anyone and I ended up feeling awful afterwards. He is losing weight as he won´t eat properly. I´ve had loads of problems with eating in the past year but the pedi is of no help and I am feeling pretty lost and incompetent now. He had gained well at his last check up (end of Sept) but has slipped back into his old ways since my trip away. DS wont try new food and he refuses the purees/food I have. The only place he eats well is at daycare but they can´t get him to eat the sandwich which they´ve been offering everyday since 1st September. Regarding the food issue, you name it I´ve tried it and part of his meltdowns, IMO, is because he is hungry. He is one of those toddlers who prefers to go hungry than eat what I have (A year ago, the pedi told me to not give him anything except water and to keep offering the same food. He went 9 hours without food until I caved). He is super stubborn. I´m at a total loss as what to do with a) with the feeding side and b) how to handle the tantrums. Ignoring doesn´t help, it makes it worse. Help!

P.S. When I mentioned the problems with the food yesterday at daycare, one of the carers there said I should force him. (Others have previously said the same). She cupped her hand as if holding a mouth and imitated pushing the spoon in. I have to say that horrified me as I´m against that method. Im ashamed to admit I listened to one of those women and tried it last year with disasterous results and swore never again (please don´t judge me!). I know the ILs tried forcing him last week, in my absence, and while he ate half of the vegetable puree that time, it didn´t work the following days. Any advice you have will be greatly appreciated as this is getting me down. Thanks.

 

One of my DD's is similair with the tantrums. I've noticed she is kind of a perfectionist, if something doesn't go her way on the first try, such as putting her jacket on, she has a meltdown. she also has major jealousy for my attention, when her sister fell down the stairs, she cried longer than her b/c she was upset she didn't have my attention.

my strategies are to ignore the small tantrums over toys etc, the major one's I try to reason with her, as she is very verbal. We watch the elmo potty dvd which they love, and one of the songs is "keep on trying", so i gently try and help her and remind her to keep on trying like elmo. can you reason with him, help him develop strategies to ask for help?

in terms of the food, I can't relate b/c my girls are pretty good eaters. How about taking him to the store and giving him options of food to pick out that he might like?

my girls favorite foods include: frozen yogert pops, yogert surprise (berries "hiding" under yogert), chicken nuggets, grilled cheese cut with a cookie cutter into fun shapes, organic mac n cheese (or whole grain macaroni) and soy dogs cut up in it, a puree soup like tomatoe with gold fish swimming in it, smoothies.

I guess I would try and get him more involved in the prep or purchase of food and/or try and modify the foods he WIll eat to make them more nutritious. I've read the theory with food is not to make it an issue. He wont' starve and will eat eventually.

good luck!

 

Have you ever had an occupational therapist check him out? I would call your local Early Intervention office and request an evaluation. Resistance to eating foods (specifically certain textures) and excessive tantrums are both signs of a sensory processing problem. That may not be what is going on with your DS. But as a mom, I would want to have the evaluation done to rule out a real medical/developmental issue for his behavior.
:grouphug: This sounds really frustrating to deal with.

 

There is a wonderful doctor that handles feeding issues with children and follows Ellen Satter's feeding philosophy (author of Child of Mine). She will do phone consultations and her rates are very reasonable. Her web site is Family Feeding Dynamics. I've talked to her a few times about our issues and she was wonderful and really knows what she is doing, and is very kind.

I've started telling mine to use a Happy Voice and we act out a happy voice, a sad voice, a whiny voice, and a mad voice regularly. When any fits or whining occur, I tell them to go to the play room (or the next room over from where we are) until they can use their happy voice and to come find me when they find it. If it's a full-on tantrum, I put them in a chair and tell them to stay there until they feel better and have their happy voice. When the tantrum is over, I tell them I love them and forgive them and talk about what I want them to do the next time the situation happens and I know they'll be great at it.

I have a perfectionist too, and we talk about how Mommy feels the same way and we talk about what she can do when she gets mad instead of tantruming. We talk about this a lot throughout the day and it is really working. However, nothing works when they have low blood sugar...heck, I have tantrums when I'm really hungry too.

 

Thanks ladies. Regarding EI, I live in Spain where everything is about 20 years+ behind everyone else and the pedi won´t listen to me and just chuckles when I tell him about DS´s eating problems. Also, as he sees he´s gaining weight he doesnt worry about it. Even when we´ve had the visits when DS´s lost weight, he doesn´t seem concerned. It is highly frustrating. Each pedi seems to say something different (which doesn´t help) and I end up frustrated with the conflicting information.

My duo are growing up in a bilingual environment (Im British living in Spain) so their speech is delayed. They can communicate quite well but it it´s still in short, simple sentences. They understand everything said to them in both languages though.

Thank you for the comments on perfectionism. I think DS is like that. He likes things to be in a certain place and I´ve even seen him line up the steps (which are on rope) in the park so they were all even! I try and do the happy voice situation too but imitating different moods is a good idea. I need to get a ´cooling off´ chair.

Tonight DS ate all his dinner for the first time in a while & without any problems. I gave him the choice of something he doesn´t want to eat (vegetable puree) and then what I wanted him to eat and he quickly gobbled it up. Maybe that´s what I need to do at each meal. Daycare also withheld his evening biscuit which he was not happy about.

Thanks again, keep the advice coming, it is helpful

 

I think you have found what works for you and your DS with respect to his eating. To me, it seems as if he wants some control over his eating/food which is why, IMHO, forcing him probably will not work in the long term. Keep offering him choices and see if that continues to work. I try to remember that since my DD's weight is normal, it is the long term that counts and not whether she misses a couple of meals occasionally.

GL! Again, I think you are on the right track.

 

I follow her blog as well, and can second the recommendation!! Even if you can't consult with her, just reading her stuff can give you ideas for good feeding strategies. I also highly recommend Ellyn Satter's Child of Mine; it's an eye-opener. You should be able to order that from Amazon.

I totally agree with you being horrified at the idea of force feeding your DS, and I'm glad you didn't listen to the woman who suggested it. Eating is one of the few things that children feel like they have any control in their lives, and force feeding takes this away from them. I think the idea of giving him a choice of things to eat (even if you just cook a meal with several things and let him decide what parts of it he wants to eat) is great! :good:

I have a *lot* of OCD sufferers in my family (me included :blush so I totally understand how frustrating perfectionism is. It sounds like you're giving him loving responses to his outbursts, and that makes him feel better. Keep up the good work! :hug: