Bad Behavior or bad parenting?

My boy girl twins are almost 3 years old. They will be 3 at the end of December. They are temper tantrum professionals. Seems like one of them is constantly having a melt down. They fight over toys constantly. They do not listen. Everyday seems like a challenge. We have tried time out. We have taken away prescious TV time. They are just bad! I feel like a horrible mother. I MUST be doing everything wrong to have kids behavior this badly on a consistent basis. I wonder if they are normal twin toddlers and my expectations are too high, or are they really suffering from some hard core bad behavior?

Is this normal? Constant battles over everything (eating, bathing, going potty?)

Any suggestions or advice would be helping. I am NOT up for mother of the year over here.

 

I will lay it on the line here and tell the truth... I had days where I wanted to pull my hair out. I was going insane! The fits, the demands, the fighting, the crying, the constant whining... I was going nuts!

Are you ready for what I did? For me/us, it was very simple. I do not want to make this a debate at all... But for us, what has worked BIG TIME-I've shut off the tv. The difference is absolutely AMAZING. I kid you not. Time outs? A thing of the past. Seriously. I could put them in multiple times a day. Now-maybe two or three times a WEEK. No crying fits, No temper tantrums(well....seriously decreased). They PLAY. They play together. They play in their playroom. Seriously. I am not kidding. It's insane.

This has been going on for a good five weeks now. I'm thrilled. DH and myself are in MUCH better moods. Three toddlers-it's tough. But we are all much happier now. Do they watch tv still? Of course! I have seriously limited it though. When they wake up-they watch Curious George(we only watch PBS here). They watch no more than two shows upon wake up. Then the tv is off-and they know it too! We turn it on again after waking up from nap. They watch one show and then it's off. We used to watch TV before bed, but we stopped that. Now-when grandparents are here, or they are sick, things change. Or a rainy day and we do movie and popcorn.

I know you mentioned TV. So for me, that's where I would start first. Good luck! It's not easy-that's for sure. Oh-and I try to get out of the house on a weekly basis. At least two times a week, if not more. It helps!!

 

I'm with you! I was at my wits ends!! I bought a book on a recommendation and haven't been able to take the time to read it. But the author had a seminar in my town yesterday and thankfully I was able to go!

her website is loving guidance - or Becky Bailey.com she really goes over a lot of information. But here are the main take aways that I can remember.

#1 take time and play with your children! especially if you're away during the day and come home. She said she started to take 30 min. of play time where she set the timer and played with them. and lots of tantrums went away. I will say that last night and tonight's bedtime was hugely better with just spendig that last 30 min. playing with them!

2 of her books for parents are: Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline. and I Love You Rituals.
becky bailey on amazon they highly recommend these. The I Love You Rituals are interesting, and I can't wait to start utilizing these.

its so funny, the ideas of loving your child when they are misbehaving is opposite of what I usually think.... that they should "pay" for being bad etc... rather we should shower them with lots of love and more love will give them the inspiration to want to do what you want.

its hard to explain, but I'm excited to learm more. Friday was a horribly unproductive day for me and the kids never napped and I was at my wits end... but i see lots of hope now!

OH, and the main thing was trying to make what you want them to do look like fun. like trying to get them to go to their room... ask if they want to "go slow" or "go fast"... or "hop" etc. anything to make it fun... you can't "make" them do things, you've got to figure out how to convince them to do it themselves... its hard! keep at it though.

 

I too would limit the TV time. Mine get 2 shows (20-25 min) each day after lunch as a quiet time (they don't nap) and that is all and some days they don't even get that.

I am a huge fan of Love and Logic. Go to the library and check out a book, they have one specifically on under 5. But there were a cou0ple of big things that really helped mine when they started tantrums

1) Don't let the child see that their behavior upsets you or they will do it more to get the reaction. You want them thinking, whatever they throw at you is "no big deal, easily handled"

2) I just moved them to their room, not a time out but come out when you are happy. At first I had to lock/hold the door shut but very quickyl they learned that as soon as they were "happy" they could come and join fun

3) Make life at yoru house fun so they want to be part of the fun adn not in their room alone. Play games, go on walks, ride bikes, art time, play dough, etc. keep them busy and let them play.

4) Give them tons of choices within boundaries you set it makes a world of difference. A couple of examples we use all the time "do you want to put on PJ's now or in 5 min" "WOuld you like to get out of the bath in 1 min or 2 min" " Would you like apples or oranges with your sandwich for lunch" When I first heard this, I didn't think it would make a difference, but boy does it. THen when the time is up for their choice mine quickly learned to do it happily.

Parenting is hard, and as long as you are trying that is good news. Some times we just need new strategies as the same ones don't always work for every kid.

 

I certainly am NO expert but have noticed that sometimes I actually need to back off a little bit and pick my battles. There seem to be days where I could put them in T/O every 15 minutes but that just gets old and I think starts to be less effective. Also read or heard somewhere recently when you tell them no you cant do X but you can do Y. For example just yesterday my boys had some toy drum sticks that they were beating on the window, I told them not on the window but you can hit your chair and it worked. I felt like we both won

 

I find whenever I get frustrated or they aren't listening, I try and tell them what they "can do", and no what they 'can't do". So, if the kids are standing on their chairs, I say 'feet on the floor" - and believe it or not this works about 80% of the time. Sometimes what you say, is actually what they do.

I do try and say the positive of what I want them to do, which does help.

Mine watch very limited tv, maybe only 20min/day, and many days no TV at all. I do try and keep new activites coming at them every 15 minutes - this also helps. And, we go out every single day - even if it is only to mail a letter, or pick up milk, anything to get out of the house.

Have you tried reward charts, that is starting to work really well with mine.

Good luck - this parenting thing is just so hard.

 

Hang in there Momma!
I am also a firm believer in choosing your battles. I read this little tidbit in a parenting magazine: to say to myself in my head to them: what are you? 2 years old? Sometimes it helps me put their behavior in perspective. Are they freaking out because I am freaking out? I find the less I react to tantrums, the less the kids have. TO's have really worked well for us this past year. 1-2-3 Magic was a big help after 2.5, most of the time I get to "2" and they stop.
I also have found limiting the TV has helped their behavior. It was not so much that kids were bad but there were some shows that they were so excited to see, it was very difficult to calm them down. The TV is off before nap and bedtime. They get a couple of shows in the morning or a DVD and that's it.

 

I don't have any advice, but I just want to second (or third or fourth) the whole "parenting is hard" sentiment. My boys were great from about 9-24 months and it seems like when they turned 2 they became little bastages! :wacko: PPs have some great suggestions that I'm going to keep in my "box of parenting tricks" for when I need them. That's why I love TS; you get so much wonderful and thoughtful advice!

 

First off, I've found that age 3 is usually harder than 2, despite the "terrible twos" that everyone talks about. But I'll totally second the no TV rule. We just don't turn it on during the day, ever! They get to watch it at night with DH and I some, if it's an ok show. Or they get to watch a movie some evenings.

One of the things that works for me, discipline wise, is to stay pleasant. It can be hard, but when I get emotional and lose my cool, the day goes downhill fast! At 3, they don't reason in the same way we do, and while they may be testing boundaries, don't take it personally when they're not doing what you asked. If they're throwing a fit, I just state what I need for them to do. If they won't, I pick them up and help them do it, trying to remember to also help them feel loved in the process. But I do stand my ground and expect them to listen to me. If we're in a store and they won't behave, I leave. I don't try to cajole them into it, give them a treat to stop the whining, etc. I also don't start yelling (the exception being about cleaning rooms. I don't know why, but I have the hardest time keeping my cool about this... but it's mostly with my older kids). The thing I've learned is that being consistent (if you say you'll do it, do it & don't threaten things you won't carry through on), staying calm and letting them know consistently how much I love them, appreciate when they're good, etc, are the things that work with my kids. One of my girls still rather consistently bursts into tears over the dumbest stuff. But it's her. She's very shy, a bit of a perfectionist, and is also legally blind, which makes new situations scary. I'm trying to help her know that it's ok to tell me she needs help, or doesn't want to do something, but we don't need sobbing hysteria over little stuff.

It's not easy, and I'm coming from having 6 kids, the oldest of whom is 12. I'm certainly different at how I approach stuff than I was 10 years ago. I know lots of people aren't religious so I hope I don't bother anyone with this story, but I'll tell you what happened to me. When my oldest was about 2 1/2, I was really struggling and feeling like your post, even though I only had 1 that age. I spent a lot of time praying about it. One day, on the way to my mom's house a couple of hours away, I had to stop to use the restroom. It was just me, Sage and Trey (who was a baby). When I went to get her out of the van, she was asleep and woke up throwing a fit. I was tired and so sick of her yelling at me all the time or throwing fits about what seemed ridiculous stuff. When she started the meltdown, I got mad. I was going to just pull her out of the carseat and probably yell. Seriously, that was what was in my mind. But the crazy thing is, it's not what came out of my mouth. Instead, I started singing to her. It was a song from Sunday School about being a child of God. I was shocked. But I gathered her up in a big hug and sat on the side of the van holding her and singing. She calmed right down. It was a turning point for me. It's not to say that I never yelled again. But it changed how I parented my children. I have high expectations of them, but I try to always remember how special they are and work to help them reach their potential, as opposed to taking it personally when they don't do what they're supposed to.

You're not a bad parent. But we aren't necessarily born with parenting skills. It takes time, learning, experience. And the fact that you're reaching out, trying to figure out how to help your kids be better and be a better mom yourself is a huge testament to how much you care and that you actually are a great mom!

 

Everyone already made some great points. I just want to pull out the things that really help me;

This is a great thing to remember to do. I'm lucky in that, because being with the children is my job, I don't have as many things to get done around the house as the average parent. I still do have a number of house-y jobs though (keep kitchen tidy, cook kids meals, children's laundry etc) and sometimes I feel like I'm just getting on with those things and not really giving the children any attention. If I feel like that, or if I notice it's been over 1/2 an hour since I sat with them I stop whatever else I'm doing and go to play with them. I feel like they should be my first priority and the other stuff can take a back seat. If it makes lunch 10 minutes late that is not the end of the world.
Taking time to play with them also gives you an opportunity to do something else which I believe is really important, especially in a period of challenging behaviour: praise them. For any little thing you can (even if it's only the absence of bad behaviour to start with). It's so easy to get caught up in other stuff anyway, and when you're having a tough time it can be really tempting to grab any quiet moment to just get things done. If you think about it though what you are basically doing then is ignoring them when they are good and rushing in whenever they start fighting/screaming/smashing things. It's not going to take long for the children to realise that the best way to get attention is to misbehave.

This can make such a difference to toddlers, particularly more wilful toddlers! Basically their entire lives are dictated to them, so they will take any opportunity they can to dig in their heals and get their own way (eating/going potty/getting dressed being favourite battlegrounds). By giving them simple choices which you don't mind about you let them feel more in control and they're more likely to comply. Talking about what you'll be doing next in the day or how long they have left of something can also help to ease transitions-e.g. "when we finish eating breakfast we're going to brush our teeth and then get dressed. Then we can insert fun activity" or "We can listen to one more song on the radio, then it's time to go shopping". Having a basic routine to your day also helps them anticipate and deal with moving from one thing to another.

 

So, from everything I've read, researched, yes, when kids misbehave it's usually an indicator that mom (or whoever) needs to take a minute to assess what's happening -- do the kids need more attention, are they hungry, sick, tired, have I had a bad interaction with them or what there a recent change that is emotionally upsetting.

It's daunting to believe we are the root cause of most misbehaviors, but, honestly, if you go to look at Debbie Godfrey's work - she discusses 4 main "misguided behaviors" and she has a "dial a discipline" for each -- I'm oversimplifying, but her research and experience is very interesting.

Teri D

 

I think this is an excellent post! These responses are helping me out a ton. I have to agree with the TV thing, too much and it's overloading for my girls. When they are getting out of hand, they need some extra attention from me. My girls play really well by themselves and sometimes I forget that they need my time as well. So when they start getting out of hand, I sit them down and color with them, or play a game with them, or whatever. It usually only lasts about 30 to 45 minutes before they are finished with me and back to playing well by themselves. And for us, 3's were definitely way worse than 2's and I'm finding 4 to be just argue, argue, argue. So, you are definitely not alone, I have my moments when I just feel like pulling out my hair!

 

So I can't tell you how timely this post is....I was at my wits end last night with the girls. They just turned 4. I think most of their "problems" stem directly from how we have been parenting as of late. My husband and I are always so tired from balancing work, babies, house etc....that I think we used the TV too much and give in too much. Even "one more minute" or "one more story" adds up...it may not seem like much at the time but I think in their world it does.

Anyway...thank you all so much. I appreciate this post!!

 

My 3 kids made me actually CRY today. I took them to drop-in playtime at the gymnastics place. They loved it when we went for a birthday party recently. Anyway, they were impossible. Not listening to directions from me or the staff, getting on equipment they are not supposed to, going the wrong way on the trampoline track, etc. Spencer whined off and on the whole time. Then Truman threw a huge tantrum when we left. Annabel "went boneless" when I tried to leave holding her hand, and I thought everybody was looking at me "dragging" a toddler by her arm when she was really just hanging on me and refusing to move. So I felt like a horrible parent! I cried on the way home. Sigh. This HAS to get better!

 

Thank you for your replies everyone! The day after I posted this they seemed to be angels! Haha! Did they know I posted a question about their behavior?

Seriously, thanks for all the suggestions. It's so helpful to know I am not alone.