BFing Etiquette

I was visiting an great aunt this afternoon, and the kids were getting hungry:

Aunt: They seem hungry, are you going to feed them?
Me: Yes
Aunt: Did you bring bottles?
Me: No, I will nurse them.

I had a blanket, covered myself and nursed them one at a time to make it easier and fed them. She seemed ok, no one left the room... the conversation continued normally. However, when I was driving home I thought, "geeze, did I make anyone uncomfortable? Should I have asked if she minded that I nursed?"...

What is the proper thing to say/do? Do I ask for permission or just assume it is ok?

 

I think you took every reasonable step, and if conversation continued normally, no one was bothered. I'm sure cranky, crying babies would have bothered people. This is one of those things where if someone is so upset by nursing--considering you were fully covered--that they take offense, well, they need to go elsewhere. You had already been invited to feed them, so I don't think asking permission was necessary. She probably really was just worried they were going to get loud & fussy.

 

It kind of depends on where we are. In larger public places, it's just impossible to ask people, so I just nurse the baby. In someone's home, I make sure they know that I'm breastfeeding, and I just come right out and ask if they are comfortable. I know some people are OK with it, and in those cases I don't even ask.

A few times, I even pushed the envelope, like at my BIL's house I routinely nurse in front my my BIL and my 13 year old nephew. I know they grew up in a place where nursing was the norm, but ironically since they came her to the US, not one of my SIL's has nursed, so it was a case of having to renormalize nursing.

 

I nurse everywhere. Sounds like they didn't have a problem with it. I know that my dad is uncomfortable around me nursing, so I would always go in the other room. I once had an entire conversation with a guy who never knew I was nursing (football hold). His brother walked by and tipped him off! :laughing: It didn't bother me!

Don't worry about it. Your babies were hungry, you did what you needed to do. WTG!! :clapping:

 

I just feed. If there's a large crowd I usually go to another room, but that's more for the noise factor as baby is easily distractable.

 

I never ask. It sounds like you did a great job! If the situation ever doesn't seem like the right time/place to nurse I just excuse myself and go to another room.

 

i never asked, i always just nursed when it was time. my personal feeling is that if someone else had an issue with me nursing, than it was their prerogative to leave the room. ardon:

 

I agree. I wouldn't whip out a candy bar at someone elses home and just eat it without asking if it was okay with the home owner. "Is it okay if I eat this (nurse my baby) in here?" If they are uncomfortable, for whatever reason, making crumbs, seeing naked breasts, etc, I would ask where could I go to do that.

In my own home I never asked. My home, I can do whatever I want.
I think you handled it just fine.

 

I think you did just fine! The only time I ever got up was when there was a lot of noise and I just wanted some quiet time.

 

I'm sure if they were uncomfortable you'd know by now. Since conversation continued I doubt anybody was too bothered if at all.

.

 

Sounds like you handled it perfectly!

Just out of curiosity, would you ask permission before bottle feeding a baby? I get the analogy of the candy bar, but I just wonder how often bottle feeding moms ask if it's okay to feed a baby in someone else's house. I bottlefed my boys, and I never asked if it was okay. I knew it was. I did sometimes ask about nursing though, although I always wished I felt as comfortable nursing in others' homes as I did bottle feeding. Just curious if anyone ever asks if it's okay to bottlefeed.

 

Jeez, this is one of those times TS makes me really glad I live abroad. I'd never dream of asking permission, and have a hard time even imagining needing to¡

 

I think you were very considerate and did perfectly.

I did ask if someone minded if I nursed in some circumstances, especially when other people's children were present (although BFing is natural I respect that parents do feel differently about how much children need to know and see), and I usually moved a bit away from the group if possible, not leaving the room but moving away a bit, but that was also to minimize distraction for the babies and give me a bit more privacy.

 

Yup. My thoughts exactly. Well, except I don't think I ever thought it out that clearly. :FIFblush:

I think it all depends on the circles in which you travel.

 

Of course.

There are rooms in people's homes where they do not allow food so if I was in a kitchen or dinning room I wouldn't think twice but I guess I was imagining sitting around in a living room on a couch. A bottle could easily drip or a baby could spit up (when bf'ing or bottle feeding) and I would feel so terrible if it was a no food area and I soiled or stained something. I also know many families that don't want shoes on in the home. When I see shoes by the door I also always ask if they would like me to take my shoes off. I just think it is only right to go by the household "rules" and not my own rules.

ETA:I wanted to add... when I said I always ask permission, it is not asking if it is okay that I breastfeed. It is asking if it is okay to feed my baby in that particular room we are in. To me, bf'ing or bottle feeding or spoon feeding is irrelevant but I would never feed my child (no matter the mode of feeding) in a place that made my host/hostess uncomfortable. I do think assuming you can feed your child (no matter how) wherever you want in someone elses home is rude.

 

Huh. I guess that's kind of hard for me to understand. Is it a cultural thing or an economic thing maybe? I am sincerely curious. I don't tend to be around anyone who is that uptight about their house.I don't mean this snarky, but I honestly can't imagine how someone would put their furniture above a baby's hunger. And if they did I can't imagine what in the world I would be doing at their house.
I'm not saying it's abnormal. I just seriously have never been around such a thing. And I have been around many different folks around the world, so it's not that I have never left home or something. It's just never something I have experienced. Guess I am just very perplexed by that. I would love some insight.

 

My grandparents have rooms like that. There are food rooms and non-food/drink rooms and I too would ask if it was okay to feed, bottle, boob, or candybar, in a specific room. In their case the Living Room is non-food, but the Family Room is drink friendly but not food friendly, and the Sun Room is food and drink friendly (and kid friendly). It might be a Southern Dandy thing, having a set of formal furniture and formal greeting rooms (Parlor?)

 

Thanks for the info. Yeah, I am familiar with that parlor room concept. I am a southerner myself and been in many house where food was not allowed in certain rooms in both the south and other places. I can totally understand the candy bar example. I would never dream of giving my child a candy bar or anything else (juice, water, etc) in someone else's house without asking where they could eat it. But I see that as being very different from feeding an infant I guess. A toddler, older baby, etc eating a snack is messy. An infant needing to nurse or bottlefeed is not typically going to make a mess. Maybe I am missing something, but I can't understand that.

How is BFing going to make a mess? The PP used the example of spit up, but I am not sure how that is applicable because that happens all the time, even when they are not eating. Usually, in fact, when they are not eating. You can't be prepared for that unless you just stay out of the non-food rooms until the baby reaches a certain age when they quit spitting up.

It seems to me it is more an issue of decorum that actual risk of mess. I get the concept of decorum and compartmentalization of rooms; i've just never seen it applied to infants as well. After all, they have to eat all the time. It seems sad to me for a mom to have to leave the room to feed her baby just to address issues of furniture. I'm probably reacting too strongly to that, but for some reason that kind of gets to me.
I would never want to offend anyone I was visiting, and I would go along with the rules if I were in a house like that, but I would have a hard time feeling welcome as a person if issues of decorum were that intense. For some reason it just makes me feel sad inside.

I should say, I do have a tendency to react kind of defensively to issues of decorum and that kind of thing. It's something I have a hard time accepting internally (like I say though, I would accept a person's house rules, it's just more of a personal thing for me).
Bad memories from childhood I suppose. :laughing:

 

You know, breastfeeding was so uncommon for most people in this country for so long that we're really just trying to figure this stuff out again. I think it's a work in progress.

 

Heh, Alice spewed pretty much all of the time until she was about 7 months, she was constantly spitting up (reflux + babyfood = fun colors), so even if I was invited to stay in the fancy rooms, I wouldn't have done it.

My grandmother is a b1tch, I've not been to her new house. However, I will give her credit for this, the furniture that she had in the Living Room, that she had for 16 years and never had a stain or a sag in it, was in my parents' house for all of 2 months before it was majorly discolored and broken. :lol:

 

Asking you to go to a different room, use a different chair or whatever is hardly putting their furniture above a baby's hunger. It's not like moms are being asked to feed their babies in the bathroom or basement. It's just simply respectful to ask someone where you can feed your child (or any age) and then to respect their choice. Unless I am with family, I always ask before whipping out a bottle. And I don't care if my friends bf in front of me, but I would prefer they not do it on my couch just in case there is some massive spit-uppy burp involved.

 

I have not nursed twins.. yet.. but I plan to. I am nervous how it will work! However, I never asked or even thought to ask if I could nurse. Seems weird to ask to give your child the means they need to survive. I would avoid a home in which I knew breastfeeding was not accepted or made the host uncomfortable rather invite them to my house where they can leave if not comfortable. I nursed all my kids well past 1 and my son past 2. I was once told, while totally covered and nursing in a restaurant, to go to the bathroom to "do that" I looked at this woman and politely asked "would you eat your dinner on the toilet in the bathroom?" She said nothing and walked away. I think breastfeeding is the most natural form of feeding and it is too bad people are so squeamish about it.

 

Thank you.

Oh please, asking where you can feed your child is not asking to give your child the means they need to survive. We are not asking for permission to nurse but WHERE. I do think that some people have lost common courtesy in their desire to have their choices accepted by others. Also, if it is a good friend who l know doesn't mind if I nurse where ever I may be at the time of feeding time, no I don't ask, that is more for people I don't know well or whose house I may not be accustomed to being in.

My dd OFTEN projectile vomited while nursing and it was not just an ounce! My let down was just too strong for her sometimes. Also I can't count the times where my kids where nursing and heard a noise and popped off to see and my milk would spray all over. I would have felt terrible if she did that on my friend's couch. I would never put my convenience of possibly having to move to a different chair or room (maybe the dinning room without a carpet or plush seating) over someone elses home. It had absolutely no affect on my child's meal time. It never mattered to them if I fed them in bed, in a chair, on a couch, on a plane, walking down the aisle of a plane, in a mall, in a car, living room, dinning room, kitchen, or where ever. And yes, I have nursed all my kids in everyone of those places. as long as they are getting fed, my kids all could have cared less where.

I guess I don't understand other people's feeling that their desire to feed their child where ever they want (not the fact that they have to feed them) is more important than their host's needs. Why is that? If you want respect you have to give it.

 

Please re-read my post. It is not if IF I can nurse but WHERE I can nurse in that person's home.

 

I think that most of the time when people want you not to nurse in front of them, it's not because they're worried about getting spit up on their couch, but because they find BFing gross. And that is what we're pushing against.

 

Well, when you are at someone else's house, you have to respect that. If you don't like that, don't go to their house.

I really don't care how you feed your kids, but I don't want bm on my couch. In fact, I don't want any of your bodily fluids on my couch. I don't really want formula or any milk products on my couch, either, cause rotten milk stinks.

 

I wouldn't go to someone's house and openly defy them about their "rules" or go out of my way to make them uncomfortable, but I would be pretty offended if someone tried to make me hide while nursing. Babies are generally gross; they drool, spit up, blow out diapers and I think people understand that there is a risk of a mess any time you invite kids over so I don't believe that's the issue. My kids spit up tons all the time... not just when they were feeding. I think most people are pretty respectful of their guests' property, and as a host I would want my guests to be comfortable in my home. I think a new mom feeding twins should be allowed to come over and put her feet up and be taken care of a bit... that's part of getting out of the house in the first place!

And what's the point of visiting if you can't visit while you nurse? In the early days feeding cycles could take up to an hour and they'd sometimes be cluster feeding so I could have to feed again 30 minutes after I was done. Before I got comfortable with feeding, I was hiding myself in another room quite often in the early days and missing out on my visitors. I got very resentful that I was just the milk cow and everyone got to enjoy the kiddos while I had to be sequestered pumping and feeding away from everyone. Finally my husband just pushed me to feed wherever I was because I was missing out on everything all the time. Life was a lot better after that. I could go to someone's house.. nurse and chat with whoever I was with and it helped pull me out of my feelings of isolation. I know I probably made someone uncomfortable at some point, but I think it's a fairly small transgression.

 

I just saw there had been more discussion on this thread. I totally agree with everything you are saying here, especially the bolded part. That was the point I was trying to make earlier. If you are horribly afraid of spit up on the couch then it's best not to invite a Mom and baby over. Babies spit up all the time. Luckily I never had any issues with projectile vomiting or milk spraying anywhere. Had that been the case I am sure I would have moved to an area where I would not get milk everywhere.

To address what Twoplustwo said here:
"I guess I don't understand other people's feeling that their desire to feed their child where ever they want (not the fact that they have to feed them) is more important than their host's needs. Why is that? If you want respect you have to give it. "

Here is the way I see it. I do agree that we need to be respectful of the host/hostess and I agree with manners. I used to be much more of a stickler for that kind of thing than I am now. And I am all for not getting food all over the furniture. Grubby toddler hands on furniture would be very rude, for example.

However, I think, personally when it comes to my own mentality as a hostess, moms of infants already have so much to do and worry about. There is so much stress coming from SOOOOO many people. Being a mom of infant means that everyone and their dog has an opinion about the choices you are making. Judgement comes from all sides, and it's stressful enough leaving the house with the babies. The least a mom should be able to do is feed her kid without having to ask permission or worry about meeting some kind of rules of decorum. It may be considered polite, but I think this kind of thing is one of the reasons new moms are so darn stressed. There are SO many unspoken rules that people have, and she has to try and navigate all that when she should be worrying about caring for her very, very needy child.

To me this IS an issue of respect. As someone who has been a new mom I would want to make sure the mom felt at ease in my home. I would want to help her feel comfortable feeding her child, and I would not want to add to her list of new mom worries by having her consider something as trivial as my couch. That may seem horribly rude to some people, but to me we don't do enough for new mothers and their children. Being a mom of an infant is hard work. Making that mom feel accepted and giving her one less thing to worry about is way more respectful in my book than something material like a couch. As a hostess I feel that I should give respect to the mother and make her feel at home in my home. After all, I invited her there. If I was afraid she would make a mess I should not have invited her (once again want to point out it would be a different. situation if she were feeding her kids candy bars on the couch).

Of course, as I said before, we need to follow our host's rules. I agree. I would certainly follow the rules of the home. I don't believe in being purposefully rude or putting my needs above my host's. I would follow the rules and let it go. I probably would not be too interested in visiting again. But as a hostess myself, it would honor me greatly to have a mother feel at home in my house and not be worrying about making a mess----regardless of she was an old friend or a new one or someone I barely knew. I would hope I could put her at ease, and give her a place where she could feel at home and not have to worry about offending me or doing something wrong. To me that's respect as well.

 

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