4.5 years old

Help! I'm gong insane. I have been a sahm to my girls since they were born and 4.5 years later, although it has gotten much easier in many ways (they eat on their own, they can now pee pee and wipe themselves most of the time, etc.) I still feel exhausted with the constant need for my attention: Mama, look at my drawing. (It looks like the other three she just showed me ) Mama look how high I can jump (I've seen her jump 4,372 times), Mama, look I'm Dora running in a circle. Mama, Lorien (insert complaint). Mama, Arwen (insert complaint), Mama, I want juice. Mama, I'm hungry. I want a snack. Mama, I'm still hungry . I want another snack. Mama, Mama, Mama, MAAAAAMAAAAAAA.

Ack. My nerves are shattered. I'll send them off to play in their room, but they seem to want me involved in everything they do and I can't get anything done because I don't usually have more than a 5 min time span before one of them is my face for anything and everything. I probably sound horribly mean and it doesn't help that I'm getting sick and pmsing at the same time and that they DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT EVER AND ALWAYS END UP IN MY AND DH'S BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. I know the fact that it's been 4.5 years and my girls still wake up EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. is not helping, but I simply don't know how to stop that. I'm exhausted all the time and I'm sure it doesn't help my level of patience.

So, my main thing is, am I being unrealistic that they should be able to get on for a little while without needing me or my constant attention and approval for everything they do? Is it the age? Is it me? Just wonderin'.

thanks,

Mel

 

:hug: Mel!!! I wish I had some great advice but I don't. We are currently trying to learn patience here. Myself included in that. I used to be able to get away with saying "yeah, I see. That's great" without really looking. Now they will call me on it. I also understand the not sleeping through the night. I can count on one hand how many times mine have slept all night.

I am hoping it is just a stage!! :hug: again!!

 

I don't really have any advice, as my two are just turning 2 on Thursday. But, I wanted to say that I totally relate to the frustration about a)both girls not EVER sleeping through the entire night and b)"MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAAMAAAAAA!! ALL.THE.TIME. It's making me feel like I am slowly, but surely, going insane too and like I'm the meanest mom ever.

During a time when I literally felt like I could not take any of it anymore, my mother asked me something that I remind myself about during times that are stressful and exhausting. She asked me if I knew any healthy adult that still climbed into bed with their parents on a nightly basis, wasn't potty trained, had a sing-songy annoying way of saying every word or did anything else like that that my two have been doing to get on my nerves. The lightbulb went on for me in that instant and I realized that while things may continue to be difficult for the foreseeable future, at some point things will change and have to get better.

 

I sympathize:

At 3.5 we started to try to make our girls more independent. Here are some ideas that helped for us.


Sleeping: my girls have a light that goes on at x time in the am. The 'rules' are they stay in bed until light goes on. At first we worked toward a reward for x amount of nights of non-waking mom & dad up (physically or verbally). Now---we do no rewards and rarely hear anything until the light goes on. Being sick or after a rough day are exceptions. We emphasized the rules and how to go back to sleep on their own.

Playing: set a timer (mom will play x in x minutes). Gradually lengthen the time. Or a schedule (this was the best for us- they knew when we had snacks, when we ate, what came next....so a lot of the "I want to....." has dissapeared) and told them what we were doing and when. Even use a chart. I blocked off time to play together and read together....then time for them to play alone or together. It took reminders and some time, but now at newly 5---they play independently for 40-hour most of the time before they need 'mommy/daddy' time. I also explain that I am folding laundry/reading/writing/c leaning etc and let them help for a bit. Tell them I will play when I am done. I love it! Somedays are better than others, but really they play well for long stretches.

Good luck---we go through 'rough patches' every 6 months or so...where behaviors ramp up, but they always settle back down!

 

Yes, mine are basically like that too. (Except, mercifully, for the sleep issues -- we got very lucky there. I don't think it was anything we did or didn't do -- we were just blessed with children who zonk out hard and wake up 10 hours later.)

What has helped, though it's a long, slow process, is telling them how to ask for things and then requiring that they do it. For instance, "I'm hearing you say 'I want' -- try saying 'Mommy may I please have,' and I will get it for you if I can." I also sometimes say, "I need 5 minutes to read the paper. If anyone says 'Mommy' during that 5 minutes, I will take my paper and go read it in the bathroom." (I almost had to make good on this threat this morning, but they had a major fit when they saw me stand up with the paper, and I gave them a second chance. :laughing: )

Also, having explained to them about 543238 times that I will not come running when they yell for me from somewhere else in the house, now I try to pretend I don't hear them. This morning I was making breakfast and Amy was in the bedroom hollering "Mommy, I can't find my other slipper!" I ignored her, and she eventually came out of the bedroom with woolly socks on. If you force them to feel frustration and make it clear that you won't help them (or at least not every time), they will often solve the problem -- but they won't start doing it unless you force them.

Regarding the play time, I will say something like, "I need to work on the laundry until it is all folded. When it's done, we can play. If you keep asking me for things and I can't get the laundry folded, we might not have time to play before [bed, dinner, whatever]."

We use a schedule too. On the days when I'm home with them, I'll say "Here's what we're doing for the next few hours" and then write it down in list form: Finish breakfast, clean up kitchen, get dressed, playtime, errands, etc. They love knowing what's going to happen, and crossing things off the list as we do them (even though they can't actually read).

Having them help is also great, if I can stand it and I'm not in too much of a hurry. It makes them feel competent, which carries over into other times when I need them to be independent, and they are getting time with me, which makes them a tiny bit less clingy.

None of these is a magic bullet and I still feel like I'm going insane a lot of the time. And I still haven't figured out a way to keep them from interrupting.every.single.time.I.try.to.speak. But these things do help, eventually.

 

I do all of these, too. Luke doesn't sleep consistently through the night, either. He will sleep through maybe three times a week, the rest of the time he ends up in our bed. Six months ago it was every night, so I am seeing a bit of progress. I bought one of the tot clocks with the light that turns yellow when they are allowed to get up, didn't work for us. I know from previous experience that he will not be sleeping with us when he is 12, so I am not stressing over it. Actually, I might actually miss him a bit when he finally stops being so snuggly.

All in all, I am pretty lucky. My two are fairly independent & do play together, without me, quite a bit. I have let it be known that I have things to do & I am not available as a playmate all day every day. If they want to be with me, I will give them small jobs to help me with while I am getting my work done & we chat while we are doing them. If they don't want to do that, they are free to go play on their own, it is their choice.

 

Thank you guys, you have all given me some great suggestions (or ways of letting me know I'm not alone ) Some of these things I have tried, others I have not. And don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with my girls snuggling with me in bed, but it's the waking up several times a night so that my sleep is never consistent that messes me up and frustrates me. They are pretty much sleep walking and will get into bed and fall right back to sleep (unless I try to put them in their own bed of course), but it's that I wake up and sometimes can't fall right back to sleep. I know part of my frustration is mostly exhaustion, but I will try out some of your suggestions. Thank you so, so much!

Mel

 

I hope you feel better soon, Mel!
:hug:

 

One of my DD would get all worked up at night/bedtime and could not fall asleep or had a hard time falling asleep when she woke up. This CD was suggested to us by the Occupational Therapist and it worked wonderfully! We have this and the other one for young kids (it is a series). We put it on repeat at night for awhile and now just play it when they are first going to sleep.

It really helped DD learn to relax and soothe herself at night.

relaxation CD