Father wants to be in life after 4 months

I habe didi twin girl they will be 4mths on the 17th their father recently contacted me and wants to get a DNA test and be in the girls life n start taking them and get joint custody..I don't think he deserves joint custody after 4mths of me doing this with out him was looking for some feed back from other twin mommies

 

Obviously there must be more to this story. But why would you want your girls to have no father? I couldn't imagine being a single mother and with twins and I applaud you for making it this far by yourself. My kids love their father and he gives them a love that I can't give them, it's just different.

 

Of course I have no idea of the details, but I think it is good for kids to have a father if possible (assuming there aren't major problems like alcohol, abuse, etc.). I understand how you feel about having done it all alone so far, but I would try to give it a chance.

 

As the pp have stated there is probably way more to the story. Having spent some time as a single mom before I married the hubs, I'd like to know why would you want to continue to do this on your own? I demanded that my dd's father participate! He helped get her here. Plus, you don't want to turn this thing into a battle before it's even begun. Despite your opinion of him and how he behaved during the first months, he IS the father and hard as it is to hear, he has rights. Whether you think he deserves them or not.

 

There is no way I'd go for joint either. I would use his noninvolvement against him and go for less visitation, I dint know where you live but in ok standard visitation is half n half holidays and every other weekend. It is hard being a single mom harder with twins but some guys just don't need to be around their kids. I would let him see them and he might be trying to do the right thing. I would not at this point let him up and take them as they have no relationship with him.

 

As we don't know all the factors that led to him not being in their lives... we'll have to speculate for now.

I would say joint custody is a bit extreme, esp in the beginning where he's not met them/been in their lives. Starting with occasional supervised visits (in your home, etc) and then leading up to one day a week, etc is probably a better idea???

But than again, you know him better than anyone!

I would agree with others that UNLESS his presence will cause harm to the girls (addict, etc) then it's best for them to have some male figure, esp their father, in their lives. Even to a small degree!

Hope that helps! Good Luck!

 

I can completely understand why you would feel the way you do. And sometimes no father is better than a fair-weather father. There's no way I'd do joint custody after all this time. I might start with supervised visitation first and go from there to see if he means what he says, etc.

:hug: This is such a hard place to be. I wish you all the best.

 

I agree with the ladies that a relationship with him has the potential to benefit the kids (assuming he's not abusive or something like that--we don't really know the details). I would want him to prove himself before letting him have unsupervised time with the kids. Are you close to his parents? Maybe they could have the babies over and supervise the time he spends with them. And then--if things go well--gradually allow him to have more time with them. And it will be good for you too, to get that break.

I don't think when it comes down to it that he really will want joint custody because two babies even 50% of the time is such a giant responsibility. He may have had a genuine change of heart, though, but he needs to prove that to you.

But no matter what, he needs to pay child support.

I strongly encourage you to speak to a lawyer. If money is tight, you can pm me where you live and I will help you find low cost legal services in your area.

 

I am sorry you are struggling with this. :hug:

Personally I don't think it should be about your feelings as much as it should be about your children and what's best for them. I think it is much better to have a father show up a few months late than to feel not loved or wanted by your father. Or even worse, resent your mother for with holding contact with their father.
Now as far as joint custody, you need to get a lawyer and talk to them. The court is the one who will have to decide that.

 

:hug: I can't imagine being in your position. And like others said, without knowing all the facts, and why he wasn't in the picture in the beginning, it's hard to say. But, I think now that he does want to be a part of their lives is a step in the right direction. I wouldn't go for joint custody either, maybe visitations etc for now, working up to some custody agreement. I think he would need to prove to you, the kids, and the court, that he plans on sticking around. Good luck. It can't be easy! :hug:

 

I have to agree with Alison, the courts are suppose to operate out of the best interests of the child(ren), so they don't care so much that he has hurt your feelings. I'm sorry he did that, but that's often not really important to the legal system.

From my own experience, it is fairly rare to have joint custody unless the the two parents agree for there to be joint legal custody. It just becomes too complicated, and it generally isn't in the best interests of the children if the parents don't get along. But custody and visitation are two very different things. As long as he wants it, and he's not a child abuser, drug addict, criminal, serious flight/kidnapping risk, he's gonna get visitation, and it probably won't be supervised unless he has some of the previous issues mentioned.

Plus, if you go in there and say I don't want him to get visitation because he left me; the judge is not going to care about that, and it will make it sound as if you just want him to stay away from the kids because you are upset with him. What you have to make clear is what you think is in the best interests of the children and why. Most courts feel having a relationship with a parent is in the best interests of the child, assuming that parent doesn't have any major problems. I also think the likelihood of you losing custody or being forced into joint custody with him is very slim, and don't let him scare you into thinking otherwise. The courts like to keep kids in the home they are in, and they have to have a compelling reason for the children to be removed.

From more of a psychological perspective, I think you probably should keep and open invitation for him to have some kind of visitation with the kids. If he has visitation, and he's a slacker on his visits, it won't reflect on you, but on him. If you try to block visitation, then the kids may grow to resent you when they get older.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this by yourself. I hope you have somebody to talk to, like a friend, family, member or counselor, raising twinfants is really tough, especially without the help of a partner. Keep your head up :grouphug:

 

well he is an addict to alcohol and I've heard other things as well... he hasn't been around cause he didn't want to be my whole preg he wanted nothing to do with me and when I told him I was preg he wanted me to get an abortion we broke up when I was preg our only contact was through facebook so he sent me a nasty msg and blocked me..I contacted his brother because of the child support and that's when he contacted me so it's not cause of MY feeling nor am I being like this cause i'm jealous or something stupid it's for the well being of my kids

 

In that case, I would not let him around the kids unsupervised. I would have him go through the court system. Hopefully they will investigate, and if he is unsafe to be around the kids alone, then they will order supervised visitation or no visitation at all. You can also possibly get your child support that way - if he has a job, they can garnish his wages.

Sounds like you are in a tough spot, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Just hang in there and do what is best for your kids.

 

so sorry for your situation. big hugs.

 

I agree with this. You definitely need to bring up any drug or alcohol problems when you go to court. You can't talk about what you've heard; that's hearsay, but you can say waht you've witnessed, such as drinking and driving, violence, etc.

You also need to go through the court and make sure that you have the state take child support. Your kids will be more likely to get the support that way.

I hope it goes well for you. It's tough being a single Mom, and unfortunately, there are a lot of parents out there who aren't in their children's lives for whatever reasons. I hope everything works out for you and your twins.