Is this just motherhood, twins, or am I losing it?

I have just been wondering for the last few weeks if I am losing my mind. It seems like life has turned upside down. Our twins are our first and only kids, so I am wondering if this daily craziness is just motherhood or is it motherhood of multiples. I feel like I can't speak full sentenances or find myself saying "what are you doing?" at least five times per day.

It seems like the house is always a mess even though we clean or tidy up daily. Both DH & I work and share in the household chores, but he seems unphased and expects me to be in a romantic mood almost every night :woah: . How can I feel romantic with all this chaos? My IL's act like motherhood should be a breeze and what is my problem, but of course they never come over to help or babysit so we can go out alone.

I know that it gets easier as they age and between 2 & 3 years old is probably the worst, but I feel like I don't recognize myself. As I drove to work this morning I thought who is this woman? I don't know where she came from.

So am I in the minority here or is this normal part of motherhood?

 

I just have the two, so as far as normal, not sure. It does get better. I still have a hard time keeping it together somedays. But, they become more self sufficient eventually and you can get more done. But, then that is kind of sad because they do not need you as much

Good luck. I know I just recently received an email from my SIL informing me that she had no idea how complicated my life was until she started working last year too. Now I did not point out to her that her kids are in school full time, have been for a while, that they are four years apart so one was in pre/school when the baby arrived so she really has no idea how difficult it is to juggle two at the same age and work and the stress of finding good daycare/ I still have issues, maybe. But my friend, also a mom of twins, told me recently her mom took the girls over night and told her that now she understands why she always seems so..I can not remember the word but frazzled works. Not exactly a compliment but...

So, I think it is more frenzied (although I imagine those that have more kids close together would feel quite similar!)but it is never dull! lol. And eventually you do not feel so sleep deprived! So that helps too.

 

Kristin

For me things got easier at about 4 y/o.

When I read the work "choas" in your post, I said "yes" outloud. There are times when the everyday things get away from us and I start to feel like my house is in utter chaos. I stay home but have 4 kids with many sport commitments and will work part time during the school year. TBH, when I get that chaotic feeling, dh and I take a weekend day and spend the whole day cleaning the house. (There is no romance if I am feeling Chaotic so he has lots of motivation to help out!) Once that is done I feel better/ less overwhelmed emotionally and we try to have a date night.

Hang in there. I do think what you are experiencing is normal but that doesn't mean it should be ignored. Find what works for you.

(Max and Lily look so big! How adorable!)

 

I'm in the same boat as you. The twins are our only kids (thankfully- I couldn't handle more!) and being a first time mom I don't know if it's motherhood or just twin-parenting that is so hard. I think its a combination. Being a mom IS hard, but I look at my friends with singletons and they are stressed, but not nearly to the point that I am. Just put it into perspective- Do you even just take one twin to the store or doctor? Whenever I have I think "Man this is a piece of cake! I could do this for sure!".

 

I can't say if it is normal I have no idea what is "normal" is.

I loved the age your two are at right now and miss it so much.

I am sorry you are going through all this. I honestly do not know how a twin household can run with both parents working. I can share with you my thoughts of what I think can help.

I am trying to word this carefully to not hurt feelings or make you/others think I know what is best for your family or think I think I know it all. Sounds like you have a LOT on your plate. You and DH are both working, you have a home, two young children, a spouse who does not understand how you are feeling, relatives who have no idea what your life is like. With the ages your children are you might want to start (if you have not already) setting down some ground rules for your children and start some disciplining of some kind. I am NOT saying you need to do what I did but if your children are not listening to your requests at this age, and yes I do believe 2 year olds can understand some rules, they need to have consequences to their actions. You need to talk to your DH about what you are going through and what you need. Communication is key. If he does not know/understand what you are going through there is no way he can help. Also your extended family may never understand what you are going through. Well maybe they could if they had your children in their care 24 hrs a day for about 2 weeks straight. It could take that long for them to get past the new environment actions of your children to the "I'm comfortable here and I know what rules I can push and get away with".

Again I am sorry you are struggling in this way and hope you are not offended by my suggestions.

 

Oh, I can totally relate. It's almost always stressful/overwhelming here - and I don't even work outside the house. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you! And I TOTALLY hear you about not being in the mood (physically or mentally). By the end of the day, I am so touched out and needed out that sometimes I just want DH to leave me alone. The last thing I can deal with is yet another person who wants a piece of me emotionally. I've always been an introvert and thrived on having time to myself, and I am emotionally maxed out. And of course there's also the mess and the chaos! It is totally crazy-making. You are not alone. :hug:

 

Mine runs quite nicely, thank you very much.

To the OP, I really think motherhood does a number on you mentally and physically. Having twins just compounds it. I feel "different" in a lot of ways, and I don't recognize a lot of things about myself any more. Some of these are good, and some of them are bad. Mentally I really feel less focused than I used to. For me, taking time off with and without my children really helps me recharge. I don't get a lot of assistance from my family either, so I usually ignore their (thankfully few) criticisms.

I really hope you find a way to tame the chaos. :hug: I can totally relate about not feeling romantic too; most nights I just want a little time to myself or to sleep!!

 

I think it is normal.

I feel more that way now at age 4, but I think it is related to our move, DHs unemployment/employment, adjusting to a new state, etc. that is making me feel frazzled and overwhelmed.

I feel somedays I am just spinning my wheels and get nothing productive done...

But I guess I dont feel chaotic as much as 'time deprived'. not enough time to do all the things I want/need/have/required/choose to do. Along the way I have cut down/out some of the things I enjoy and replaced it with things I am responsible for. It is a worthy trade in my eyes- definately different, but not unwelcome if htat makes sense.

I start work later this week (part time). We will see how well I can balance both of us working!!

 

My facebook status recently was wow, parenting is hard. I had some people comment that they knew exactly what I was talking about and I wondered if they really did since they all have one or two spaced pretty far apart. I don't know if it is twins or first time motherhood in general, but it is definitely harder than I could have ever imagined. Both dh and I work full-time, and that is definitely not the problem - if I was a SAHM I really would be insane. I don't wish for them to get older because I know I will miss this time, but I just once want to wish for it to get a bit easier (discipline wise, I guess) without someone telling me - oh, 2.5 is worse, or just wait until 3. I think that is my big problem now - I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel because everyone keeps telling me this is the good age. They are so cute and amaze me with the things they learn every day and I have a lot of fun with them, but the whining, tantrums, refusal to do simple things, and especially the fighting with each other almost send me over the edge every day. It may be that I have no time to myself - I take them to the daycare at my work, take them home with me when I go home, do the dinner, bath, bedtime routine, can't have any time with dh because we are broke and the in-laws who live in the same town aren't really keen on babysitting in the evenings, yada, yada. All of that to say, you are not alone! My dh gets upset with me because he says I am just on edge, and angry all the time but I'm really not - I just think the whining and discipline issues get to me way more than they do him!

 

This is me at the end of each and every day: :faint:

We both work, it is hard. Our household runs fine, but let's face it - it is a busy, crazy, chaotic life for the adults. The kids are pretty clueless as to how frazzled DH and I are at the end of the day, their lives are fun, peaceful, and easy - and that is how it should be.

You are definitely not alone. I do not remember feeling this way when I just had my oldest DS. In fact, I know I didn't feel this way. I felt very calm, collected, and in control of my own destiny. Now, I feel like someone twirls me around at the start of the day until I'm dizzy and then lets me go. :laughing:

Hang in there! :hug:

 

If I had a dime for every time I thought this in the last twenty years, I'd be a rich woman by now! :lol: I think, to some degree, it's a normal part of motherhood. Your children are at an especially active age right now. You're probably just exhausted! :hug: It does get better as they get older. Truly.

Me too, Cheryl. At the time, I might have been a little :crazy: but I'd give anything to relive those days now that I have teens (and a twenty off at college!) who seem not to need me as much. Motherhood is often so bittersweet,


[quote name='K&T's MOM' date='25 August 2010 - 11:52 AM' timestamp='1282751567' post='1686701']
My facebook status recently was wow, parenting is hard. [/quote]It really is. And just when you seem to master one phase, you discover they've moved on to the next!

 

[quote name='Nate and Jack's Mom' date='25 August 2010 - 11:22 AM' timestamp='1282749771' post='1686681']
Mine runs quite nicely, thank you very much.

To the OP, I really think motherhood does a number on you mentally and physically. Having twins just compounds it. I feel "different" in a lot of ways, and I don't recognize a lot of things about myself any more. Some of these are good, and some of them are bad. Mentally I really feel less focused than I used to. For me, taking time off with and without my children really helps me recharge. I don't get a lot of assistance from my family either, so I usually ignore their (thankfully few) criticisms.

I really hope you find a way to tame the chaos. :hug: I can totally relate about not feeling romantic too; most nights I just want a little time to myself or to sleep!!
[/quote]
that was not an insult it was a compliment to those who can do it. It might be worth while to try and get out of defense mode and take a compliment for what it is.

 

Totally agree with Jori and Kim. It was very different with my singleton (who is much more challenging to raise than my twins).

 

No defensiveness here, I just wanted to state that it can be done. ardon: I don't think that I as a WOHM have it any harder than a SAHM. Different, yes. Harder, no.

 

When they turned 4 things got MUCH easier. 5 has been my favorite age so far.

 

I agree with Cheryl (I know; twice in a day, right Cheryl?) that rules should be set if they're not already. 2 year olds can and will follow rules and should be given limits. There should also be age appropriate reactions for good and bad behavior. Praise the good behavior, ignore the annoying, react to the bad behavior.

You should also hire a babysitter once a month for a night out together. You belong to a church probably (looking at your signature) wouldn't someone there in the youth program want to babysit on a Friday or Saturday night so you and your husband can get together and recharge.

As for the chaotic mess, I say "F it." You should enjoy your time with your children while they still want to be around you. When I think back to my childhood, I don't remember how messy the house was (well right now I am) I don't remember how poor we were, I remember how much fun we had. Throwing water on each other in the house, locking my dad out of the house when he was getting the newspaper in his underwear. . .

 

True that!
I do appreciate my house being clean (who doesn't?) but it took me a while to get to the point that as long as I have children my home will never be spotless and perfect.
A good friend gave me some good advice when I was ready to give birth to the twins: "You are going to be the best mother they will ever have." So that little motto helps me to stop it when I am comparing myself or my house to other people.
Motherhood is hard, it's an adjustment and I think we all look in the mirror and go "who is that?" You are not alone :hug: Talk to your DH, share your feelings with him and see if he has any good ideas to help you out.
Hang in there Momma!

 

I especially want to tell you that we are about to hit 3 and I think things are much better now than 6 months ago. They are listening more and following multistep instructions. We have far fewer tantrums. Communication is fueling better behavior. They want to help and actually do lots of impressively helpful things (put their dishes in the sink, take off/put on shoes, put laundry in the hamper, pickup toys). It's taken a lot of practice for me to let this happen bc it sure isn't done right or quickly when they first started doing them, but then one day they just came in the house, took their shoes off, put them away and went to play with their toys and I did a double-take, patted myself on the back for a quick second and started making lunch.

I work FT from home and haven't really had adequate childcare through the summer due to their playschool running on the school year schedule (we really love the place) but I do have to travel about 3-4 times per year. This summer while I was gone for a week the kids went to stay with my mom and dad. Every night when I talked to my mom she'd tell me how she doesn't know how I do it. I am so fortunate to have my mom's help and support, but she is two hours away so we do not have her help through the week and only about one weekend a month now that they are older. DH and I don't get a break together nearly enough. Usually when my mom shows up for the night all I want to do is sleep (still) and read.

 

Cheryl - No offense taken and if we could afford for me to be a sahm we would, but that would mean bankruptcy or moving in with our parents. For the mental stability of our family that won't happen :wacko:. I am lucky that my boss lets me work from home two days a week and then my family helps with daycare by coming to our home to watch the twins. We are using discipline, but the issue we have is when correcting DS our DD is standing behind us putting her 2-cents in. DH calls her LMB "little miss bossy". If I start the 1-2-3 discipline count she starts going 2,3,4,5,7,10,20. It is so hard not to laugh at her when we are trying to get them to understand right from wrong.

becasquared - I am working on my clutter issues :unsure: , but I agree growing up we didn't know how poor we were at times or that we were lower middle class. I now understand why my mom packed picnic lunches and snuck snacks into the movies. At the time we hated it, but totally understood now. Some of the best memories we had growing up was camping because we couldn't afford expensive vacations or just running through the sprinkler in the back yard at my Grandma's. I also wish we could get a babysitter, but DH won't let anyone other than family watch the twins because of all of Max's health issues. It took awhile for me to convince him to let family watch them, but it is always my family and then he gets mad at his family for not helping out. Then that can ruin the night or week. Unfortunately there is no changing his family. He always says I am getting a glimpse of his childhood. His mother always tries to portray to the world that life is perfect when it is far from it. To me, why worry about what others think if you are happy and well. She should be more worried about seeing her only grandchildren more than once every two months when she lives 15 minutes away, but that is a whole other story :headbang: .

To everyone else - thank you for the support :grouphug: . I really needed it today and I am glad to know that my feelings of being overwhelmed at times is normal. As for the romantic issues I was always a loner, so it is difficult for me to share so much of myself with my DH, DS, and DD. We are gonna just keep taking it day by day, try to roll with the punches, and be grateful for what we have. Thanks again.

 

although I never used the 1-2-3 thing I can totally understand the difficulty of what you are going through when you share she continues the count up. It has to be maddening and funny rolled into a ball.

I understand because with having 5 it was hard disciplining one without the others giving their .02c. If I give a correction in front of a sibling it almost always ends badly.

A friend of mine (pre children) always spoke her words of correcting in private, out of ear shot of the other siblings and I never really understood it. Finally one day I asked her why she did this and she shared that speaking to the offender privately saved their pride (in front of siblings), allowed her to get their 100% attention and prevented the others from giving their personal opinions on what was going on. It also prevented the siblings from trying to parent the sibling by using the parents punishment against that sibling. Her children at the time were 2 and 13. She amazingly became pregnant with twins right around the same time as me. Her advice was something I took to heart and try to live by. It is not easy but I try.

 

In one of the other threads I wrote that mothering comes naturally to me and that I love pretty much everything about it. BUT, when my oldest was about the age of your twins, and my 2nd was a baby, I had a major identity crisis. I felt totally lost and like I had forgotten who Diannalynn (my real name) was. I had a vague recollection of having interesting conversations about fabulous books and foreign films, I remembered fun times of talking the night away with my fiance (now husband), etc. But it was like a cloud that I couldn't grab on to. I loved my little ones dearly, but neither of them were really talking and my husband was working 12-14 hours/day and isn't a huge talker anyway, so I felt very isolated and lonely, too. And I didn't even have twins. I've always thought that having twins first would be much harder than after going through all the initial parent "training" with with single babies. After a meltdown to my husband one night, we decided that a few things needed to change. I joined a bookclub and made sure to get some intellectual stimulation, and I reached out to a gal I knew casually but really liked who had a son in between the ages of my 2. We got to be good friends and I suddenly had someone with whom to have interesting conversations (usually while pushing a stroller through the park or around the lake, or whatever), confide to when I didn't feel like superwoman, etc. Other than the chaos at home, is there something else you're missing from the pre-baby you? Did you have a hobby you no longer do? Or is there one you've always wanted to try, but haven't felt like there was time? Could you talk to your DH and negotiate a little "you" time? I really believe that it's not selfish to fill your own bucket, so to speak. On the airplane, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, if you're caring for someone else. It's because if you're not healthy and taken care of, you're unable to care for others. That's true emotionally, as well. And it does get easier!

As they get even a little older, they can learn to help pick up and put things away, and start telling funny stories and things that just make life feel easier, IMO. My 4 year olds empty the dishwasher, except for glass and sharp knives. They fold the small towels and washcloths, and they help clear the table and clean their rooms (we're still working on this). I also have older kids who can help the little ones if they need something and are able to play and entertain them, when I just need a little break. I also have great conversations with my older kids about what they've read, done or seen, and especially about what they're learning in our homeschool. Having 6 from 12yo to 15 months, is infinitely easier emotionally than having just 2 little ones. I'm not saying you should have six kids, LOL. Just saying how it's different for me, now.

 

This is a great idea that I never thought of. I will have to try this out in the next few weeks to see if it works for us. The other issue we had was DS would not make eye contact during discipline, so my friend who had gone through this said go nose to nose with him or hold his chin and tell him to look at you. That has worked wonders and he now know to look at us when I say "Look at mommy, I am talking to you".