Need some encouragment just exhausted

Ok I'm just having one of those horrible days. I haven't been out of the house since monday basically so I know that's part of the problem and I feel like I am hating everyone. My husband and I really have no support and on top of having the twins who will be 3 months next week (6 weeks adjusted) we also have a 3 year old. I'm worn out. This past week hubby went away on a business trip just overnight and I had all 3 kids night was fine but i had an awful time getting my 3 year old up and out the door. I also had a hard time finding help so I could drop her off at daycare (just needed someone to sit with the babies for 20 minutes so I could run her over). My usual sitter who has been watching the babies for a few hours on mondays said she wasn't available and I knew she was so now I feel angry with her even though I know its just me and being run down thats partially amking me feel that way. My parents are both deceased by husband has 3 grown sisters but no one in his family has offered help my mil didn't even send us more then a card when the babies were born. I was in the hospital 2 months before the girls were born and NOt one person in his family even came to see me so I feel like I just resent everyone.

We've been having feeding issues, my one girl has eaten less over the past week and last night was horrible she basically ate only 2 ounces from 5pm to 3 am. she cried like she was hungry and then we'd give her the bottel and she's pull off scream and cry. I have a call into the pedi now; we are already using the sensitive formula seemed to help for about 3 weeks with gas issues which initially caused us to switch but now we have this. I'm just at the end of my rope I feel like no one understands how hard this is; everyone say I don't know how you are doing this but doesn't help.. just so worn out. I can't even cry because then it upsets my 3 year old.. i feel like I'm just going to crack up..

 

Oh hun, you are in good company. We've ALL been where you are and I can TOTALLY relate with intense feeding issues. My husband isn't as helpful as yours so it's been pretty much just me since they were born over a year ago.

It's SOOOO hard in the beginning, especially when feeding issues start up.

Is there any friends that can come by to help out with a feeding or anything to make you feel less stressed and be able to just go somewhere to nap or cry out your frustrations??? Crying hysterically is something I did very often those first 6 months because of the frustrations and immense amounts of stress. The getting up every 4-5 hours to feed which took over an hour to get them both fed, then 2-3 hours of unrestful sleep and then being expected to take care of the laundry, cook AND clean....HA! There was no way.

What my friends call this is "survival mode". You do the bare minimum just to survive. Forget about how disgusting you think your house is, the dishes in the sink, the laundry piling up. Just focus on making sure the kids get fed, changed and sleep. And when they relax YOU relax in anyway that you can.

If your older child has friends see if the friends parents would mind if your LO goes over to play for a few hours or have Daddy take him somewhere to get him out of the house so if you needed to break down you could.

We didn't have a lot of help either. I mean we have parents in town BUT my MIL's help was more of a problem and made things worse since we DO NOT get along. I was totally unable to rest while she watched them because I couldn't stop thinking she was doing something wrong or that I wouldn't approve of. It was just easier for her not to help at all. My Mom and her husband, while not the most reliable or intelligent people in the world would come over every 3 days while DH was at work for 24 hours to help with the 2 overnight feedings so I could get at least ONE night of sleep a few times a month.

I know it's hard honey, and the feeding issues DO NOT make it better and only add to the stress, believe me. I've been through a crazy time with feeding issues so feel free to PM me about it. I dealt with some REALLY EXTREMELY stressful things with them to the point that I would walk out of the nursery after an hour of trying to get them to eat, with half a full bottle and find myself throwing it into the sink and yelling just to get the frustration out....they couldn't hear me of course. It was horrible.

This part of their lives WILL pass it's just hard as hell to get through. With time this will be a distant memory but I won't lie and say that everything will get better because it won't it's more like trading one stressor for another as they age. Although when they get to be 1 or older, like mine, it's a lot more fun...stressful but fun.

Hang in there hun. I'm sending you LOADS of hugs. PM anytime you want to vent.

 

Hi, thank you for just "listening" I've also thrown bottles into the sink in disgust I'm just so damn tired of being in the house. My hubby is really great he does more then most but with only 2 of us we are both stretched to the limits. Were you're little ones ever put on previcid or zantac and did that seem to help?? I think the worse part is bascially never getting a break, and I know I shouldn't care about the state of the house but when things are messy it just seems to overwhelm me more I swear I think my bp must be crazy high at this point..

 

No problem.

I can relate to being stuck in the house too. I was afraid to take them out in public very often, if at all, because they were 5 weeks early, not on breast milk and just very frail. So, I stayed in doors for very long extended periods of time. Sometimes friends would drop by but honestly it wasn't enough. I found comfort in my on-line communities like TS and FB for some kind of outside contact with people my own age. That always helped me take my mind off of everything that was happening around me.

Both my husband and I are pushed WAY over our limits. I am the SAHM who takes 24/7 care of the kids and he works his butt off to keep a roof over our heads and when he comes home he does NOT want to have to deal with 2 kids and a cranky wife so needless to say he's not over joyed when I ask him to change a diaper and comes up with 500 excuses and reasons as to why it's a bad idea. That ALWAYS makes me more upset. Sometimes I literally just want to pound my head against the wall over and over to just get this frustration out of me but I can't because then I'd have to pay to fix the walls with money we don't have...lol. Basically we are BOTH pushed way further than we know how to handle and are trying to find ways to work together to take some of the load off of each of our shoulders. I can't give you much help with how to do that because my twinks are a year old and we are STILL trying to find ways to meet in the middle. It's a long process. You just don't want it to ever get to the point of resentment or feeling like he doesn't think your job isn't as important as his because it brings in no monetary income.

The boys both started on Zantac during the first month because I was getting SO frustrated with their feedings. They would cry, arch, push the bottle away, eat a little and stop. We took it for a few weeks and NO change so I called my Ped back and demanded, literally, that they be put on something stronger like Prevacid. So we did that for a bit and NO change. We then tried every other formula there was from soy to hypoallergenic to SUPER hypoallergenic that is WAY overpriced and only available through the manufacturer...that didn't work. Next course of treatment was a referral to a GI specialist to get a 2nd opinion. They told us the same thing but also said that they would like to do an endoscope of their throats/stomachs and put them on a 24 hour feeding watch to see what was happening during the feeds. For months I declined that procedure. I thought it was just too much to put my little guys through. BUT, they were just not getting better. If they weren't projectile vomitting up to 3' during each feed they were screaming for hours before taking one sip. I was at my wits end. I couldn't take it anymore. It was to the point that I was literally THE only person who was able to get them to eat. I would have to close all doors to the nursery, take the phone off the hook and if someone opened the nursery door during a feeding I would bite their heads off. There had to be complete silence. Then the feeds went like this....I would hold them, often times to the point of restraining them (holding arms up so they couldn't swat the bottle away) and putting their legs between mine so they wouldn't squirm. The I would just hold the nipple of the bottle in their mouths for up to an hour with them crying hysterically the entire time. Once they stopped crying they got tired and THAT's when they would eat. So imagine this scenario happening with TWO infants. Feedings were taking sometimes 2 hours to complete. It got so bad that I would dread when it was time to feed them but there was no one I could pawn it off to because they wouldn't take a drop from anyone other than me.

After dealing with this for way to long I agreed to the procedures. I didn't know what else to do. I mean my kids just wouldn't eat. They had ZERO interest in food and if it were up to them they just wouldn't eat at all. Every feed was a struggle and me having to force it into them. So they did their scopes and found NOTHING wrong. They monitored the feedings and found NO trace of reflux and just basically said "we don't know why your kids won't eat so we are referring you to a feeding therapist". I was SO upset by this news. I thought for sure we would get some sort of treatable answer and cause but nope...off to another specialist. This was around 5 months by the way.

Once we got home things changed. Don't ask me how, what I did or didn't do, but they just started eating without problem and would eat for other people and with outside noises around them. Suddenly we went from 1+hour feeds to 15 minute feeds for BOTH kids with 8oz bottles. It was a miracle and made life SOOOOOOOOO much easier.

We never did go to feeding therapy because before we had a chance to even schedule it they just decided to eat.

Oh and since this whole thing started we've been thickening their formula with rice cereal. I personally prefer Beechnut over Gerber. I'm not sure it helped keep it down because they would still throw up ALL the time but we did it anyway in hopes that maybe one day it would work.

As far as housekeeping goes, before I got pregnant I would deep clean weekly. Then I got pregnant and put on bed rest so my Mom had a house cleaner come by once a week. Once the twins came home I was TO exhausted to even think about cleaning, I just wanted to sleep. I am type "A" all the way. Things have to be neat and orderly or I get irritable and cranky. Trust me, this feeling will pass, at least it did for me. Nowadays I am lucky to clean the house once a month. I do pick up the clutter and try and keep the junk off of counters and what not but as far as cleaning showers, toilets, kitchens, dusting it just doesn't get done. I simply don't have the time. Now that they are mobile I can't leave the room that they are in for a second because if I do they do something stupid and get hurt. So once again, when they nap, I nap. One of the things that my DH and I do every once in a while is this, when he isn't on shift for 24 or mowing lawns for the neighbors we pick a day that he doesn't have anything pressing to get done and he watches the kids so I can get the cleaning done. It doesn't happen often but that's what we do. Eventually you will get to the point where you just reach the limit of exhaustion, look over at a side table covered in dust and find yourself saying "ah, I should clean this up but I think I'm going to nap, it will be there later".

Believe me, right now you have few priorities and beyond these things NOTHING else matters. It's YOU, making sure the kids are taken care of and then YOU some more. If you aren't taking care of yourself you can't possibly be expected to take care of everyone else around you. It's just not fair and it ends up building all sorts of anger not only to your DH but to your kids. Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, you get so infuriated with how difficult it is taking care of two newborns who are difficult that you start to resent them because you can't help but remember what it was like without them. Being able to sleep in, cleaning on a schedule, living by the moment. Now, now you are at the beckon call of TWO babies and you no longer have those luxuries or a life of your own. It's a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth.

I promise you this will pass. It will get better. You and your husband will find ways to equal out the task of household work and taking care of the kids. I know it's hard but be patient. If you feel like you need to throw bottles in the sink or go to the bathroom and cry hysterically do it. If it makes you get the stress out then release it, splash some water on your face, look in the mirror and say "I CAN do this" and get back to the grindstone.

As they say, you're in the thick of it. Once those babies start smiling more, moving more and cooing things will get better in the sense that you can see all of your hard work with them start to pay off. It will help you forget about all that other crap around you.

In the meantime, if you need 15 minutes to keep your sanity and not fly off the deep end put the kids in their cribs and step onto your patio and take some deep relaxing breaths to regroup. No one will look down on you for doing that.

I won't say things will get easier but as they grow they become more fun and unfortunately more stressful but with every hug and smile and laugh that they give you when you simply look at them will make those feelings of frustrations melt away, even if it's just for a moment.

 

I am so sorry you're in such a bad place right now. Help is essential in those first few months, and I am sorry that you're having trouble finding it. Is there a twins group in your area? Or even a mommy group? I found that getting out... no matter how difficult it was packing everyone up... was totally worth it. We have walked a kajillion miles around the mall. I also agree that it really affected my state of mind to be in a dirty house, so every day I did 30 minutes of tidy up in some part of the house. When it got too overwhelming and I ended up worn out and getting mastitis I hired cleaners. But the biggest key is to just know that as twin moms we have all been where you are, and we all get through it eventually. Come in and vent any time and know that someone here will have useful advice for just about anything you're going through. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise! :grouphug:

 

thank you ladies, this forum has been a godsend. I really haven't taken the girls out yet because doc said wait two months which was just a couple of weeks ago, since they were born at 34 weeks. They had their dtap, hep b, and rotavirus vaccinations and i take them back thursday for there prevnar and hib. I think after that maybe I'll start takign them to the mall to walk every day just to get myself out of the house.

 

:hug: :hug: :hug:

We've all been there at one point or another! I'm sorry it's so rough right now! And all of your feelings are totally normal! I'm sorry there is no one around to help out, or willing to. As for being cooped up in the house...can you go out for a walk in the neighborhood? Cover them up in the stroller so no one can touch them and just WALK. I would also do the mall, or some type of store. To stay inside for three months straight with twinfants-I'd go crazy myself! You can go early in the morning before all the other stores open if you wanted to. And honestly-no one ever approached my stroller. I kept them covered, or just kept on walking. I didn't make eye contact, and I didn't give anyone an opportunity to come up close.

Get out of the house. It will do wonders for you-and them. Gosh-even just get in the car and go through the drivethru, have a nice drink, and drive around while the kids sleep. It will be peaceful(hopefully!) and it will be new scenery!

And I think you need to have a good cry! Take a long bath, have dh take over the kids, and get all of your frustrations out. And just know-that it ALL gets better! It truly does! Every new week is a new milestone of some sort. Whether it's the discovery of their toes, or a new food, an extra hour of sleep-things improve. And then-when they are about to turn three-you'll look back and wonder where all the time went and what happened to your babies! And those sleepless nights, days of exhaustion, will be a distant memory(hopefully).

Come here whenever you want and vent away! It's what we are all here for!! You can't do it alone!

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. I remember being in a very similar place. We know no one here to help. I cannot imagine adding a 3 year old to the mix. I don't have too much advice, just a lot of hugs. :grouphug: Your babies' ages are hard. I am glad you found this forum because in the early days I remember finding support here. Please post as much as you want - especially if it helps to know others are out there that can relate. As far as the eating, I am glad you have a call into your doctor. The early weeks take a lot of tweaking but hopefully you will get things figured out. I know it sounds impossible, but it will get better. Try to do something for yourself...take a bath, get a massage, anything. This may be a terrible idea but have you considered calling your SILs and just saying "look, I really need some help or a break." Will they say no? Forget that they have not offered (would make me feel angry too)...make them deny you to your face. They don't have to stick around all day, just small favors. Or, I know this sounds impossible, but do you have a local twins club? Can you reach out to them and join, and tell them you are in need of help? I am part of a twins group here and when a member needs something, others really step up. But many people won't enlist help on their own so we don't always know they are in need. Hang in there...every second you are getting stronger and stronger, even though it doesn't feel like it. And don't feel bad about the anger. Feel whatever the heck you want to feel! Right now that stress has to leave your body - unhealthy to keep it in. Hugs.

 

I feel you. Today was one of those days for me too. The only place I have been since the twins were born four weeks ago has been my parents house. I am going stir crazy. I also have an older child. She just made one, putting her and the twins only 11 months and two weeks apart. It is a rare moment when someone isn't crying here. My husband helps somewhat but this week he had a music thing on Wednesday (in our churchs band) and today he went to a skeet shooting tournement. I just wantto say where is my me time!!! We have been at each others throat all evening because one of the twibs has been crying since 5:45. He gets mad at them for crying and just starts cursing at then to be quiet. I know how he feels but I have more patiance than he does so o tend to tanke the crying baby. I cried my eyes out in today. To top it all off, the lack of sleep is starting to make my immune system weak. I can feel a summer cold coming (runny nose, sore throat). I just keep telling myself that it's only for a short time. I know it feels like it will never end, but it will. I can remember the first few months with my oldest and I thought it would beget get better bit it did. Just take a deep breath and remember it will all pass. Now if I can just make myself believe that too. Keep posting and you have the support here.

 

I totally feel you, its crazy isnt it. All our family is overseas, I feel like I have lost friends as they just dont understand what having twins is like.
Try and get out of the house if you can, I know for me before it got to hot I would walk my girls each day, they were preemies and I started when they were 12 weeks old walking them.
They have just turned 6 months, its too hot here to take them out, so most days try and get out, either a walk around Target or drive to the drive through for a $1 coke for myself and a applejuice for my four year old, just anything to get out of the house.
Hang in there, at some point we will be the ones posting on the board telling others it does get easier...

 

Hi ladies I just wanted to thank you all for the support it really does help especially being trapped in the house. Betsey I guess I could ask my sil you're right I'd like them to say NO to my face. Ahhh once again the babies are screaming there heads off right now.. arghh. :headbang:

 

YES - that's the spirit. Put people in motion to help you! But be specific in your request. Time, place, get a date! Tell them what you will need and for how long. Otherwise, they might never get around to helping. Family is supposed to step up for each other (I know, I am realistic and many don't) and if you have not before now, I am sure you will get the chance to return the favor.