Going out of my mind - need help

I am seriously going out of my mind here. My twins were born at 36 weeks, each weighing 7.5lbs, 5.5 weeks ago. Today they weigh 10lbs each.

Here are my issues:

1. They are on different feeding schedules. Pedi recommends demand-feeding right now because they are so young. This leaves us both exhausted and worthless throughout the day and night. I am going insane.
2. They each have issues. She has reflux and He has colic. He is ONLY awake to feed and to scream, and wants to be held constantly. The instant we put him back in his swing, he wakes up screaming, 9 times out of ten. She just wants to be held also - sometimes will sleep in her swing, but mostly wants to be held. Not possible to hold both all night and all day long when we are taking shifts.
3. They are sleeping in the living room because we can't get them to sleep in the crib yet. Neither one likes it and it has just become more comfortable for parents and babies to be in the living room. At some point, I will have to transition them into their nursery - but Pedi recommends 8-10 weeks for this.
4. Neither baby sleeps more than 2 hours at a time. ONCE in a while, we get 3.5 hours out of one or the other, maybe once a day.
5. She wakes up to play frequently throughout the day, but he is either awake and miserable or sleeping. He seems to be a little behind her developmentally.
6. I go back to work September 20th - they will be 10 weeks old. I am freaking out that they will still
7. I'm worried that we're using props too much. The only way to stop his screaming is to ride in the stroller, ride in the car or hold him for hours.
8. I have a nanny part time right now for 2 days per week, but she needs assistance with feeding both when they wake to feed at the same time. She insists that when they get 10-12 weeks, this wil become easier.
9. My husband is awesome and since he's not working right now, he takes the night shift. I get to sleep 8pm - 3am. The rest of my time awake is pretty miserable - I cry a lot and feel completely inadequate. I feel like I just cannot do this one minute longer. I wish I could afford full time help - but then, what would my role be as a parent? I KNOW I have to do this - it's just super hard right now.
10. My family sucks. My mom wants to help but she causes WAY too many problems so we've stopped her visits. I have 3 days per week where I get help and I'm so thankful for it.
11. I have total separation anxiety with my daughter. I AM THE ONE who can't stand to have anyone else but DH hold her. I am so attached to her that I can't even stand to take a nap during the day if someone else is actually competant to help out while I catch an hour nap. I am so anxious all the time, I'm losing my mind.

When will this get better?
My Pedi says its too soon for scheduling - do you agree?
How can I get them to stop needing to be held to sleep? Do I let them CIO at this age? Seems cruel. I cannot do it. There must be some other way.
I can't get them on the same feeding schedule - each one needs SO MUCH burping, soothing and rocking after they eat. It's just impossible.

I'm dying here. I should be enjoying this because A) I went through IVF for years to have these babies and B) my first child was stillborn at 37 weeks and I was completely crushed. I am so thankful that they're alive and healthy, but feel so ungrateful and horrible about being miserable throughout the day.

Oh - and I've decided today to give up pumping and go to strictly formula. I was not breastfeeding - only pumping - and I'm miserable. Pumping every 3 hours is not entirely possible and I'm so sore and irritable - this is another 20 minutes every 3 hours that I could use for laundry, tending a baby etc.

HELP!

 

First of all :hug: . I've been there and am going through some sleeping issues of my own right now. The first thing I wanna say is that every baby is different and you can't always take everything your pedi says as the right thing for you.

1. Demand feeding is fine, but when one is hungry and you feed him/her, feed the other one at the same time or right after, whether he/she is acting hungry or not. The only way to keep your sanity is to have them on the same feeding schedule. At that age mine were eating 4oz every 3-4 hours.
2. One of my girls has reflux, so I can relate but I don't have any experience with colic. The only way I could get them to sleep well was to have them on their side in either a bouncy chair or a boppy lounger like this. I had to keep my refluxer elevated and they both HATED to sleep on their backs.
3. Don't worry about sleeping in the living room. Me and the girls all slept in the living room for months. I just recently transitioned them into cribs when they were trying to wiggle out of their bouncy chairs. Do what works best for you and worry about transitioning later. It will be easier than what you think once they are older and they're sleeping longer.
4. I know it sucks not to get any sleep, but you are getting closer to a time when they will sleep longer. Around 6-8 weeks they should start sleeping longer stretches. I don't know how much formula/bm you are feeding them, but as their oz increase, hopefully they will sleep longer too.
5. I wouldn't worry too much about developmental delays right now. They are going to progress at different rates and at 5.5 weeks, mostly all they do is eat, sleep, poop and cry lol! If you don't have a play mat with lights, I would suggest one of those. They seem to be more interested in things with lights and sounds, at least my two do.
6. I'm not sure how this will go for you. We found it more cost efficient for me to stay home with them for a while anyway. They should be better at 10 weeks and hopefully you will be able to figure something out that works for you!
7. Like I said I don't have much experience with colic, but my motto was always I'm going to do whatever keeps them and me happy.
8,9,10 & 11. We couldn't afford a nanny and my dh went back to work after 2 weeks. I was/am basically alone with them 24/7. My MIL would take a day off work every couple of weeks when I was so tired I could no longer function to help me out. I know what it's like to be so exhausted that you can't enjoy them. I had to be treated for ppd and put on a mild antidepressant. I also had separation anxiety and found it difficult to sleep when I had someone there to help me. I got so exhausted that I literally got sick and had to receive an iv of fluids and hang out in the e.r. for a couple of hours. I also ended up having some placenta left in my uterus and had to have a dnc. All of my family and friends live over an hour away from me and the only help I had was when my MIL could take a day off and help me. I know it's hard, but things will get better. Luckily your dh is there to help and take as much support from him as you can. Even if you have help, it seems like most of the work falls on the mom, so I know you are having a rough time. Just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

The first couple of months are really hard and you shouldn't feel bad about having a hard time. I felt so much guilt too, but the people on this forum are such a great support team. Just know that we have all been through it and are right there to help you. I know right now you can't see it, but IT WILL GET BETTER!

I hope some of this helped you and really do understand how you feel. I know it must be even harder having a colicky baby. I hope he starts getting better for you soon! I think what would really help you out is to try to get them on the same feeding schedule. They probably are too young to have a real schedule but it's never too early to start a bedtime routine and hopefully you can get them eating at the same time. I wish you luck and just know that we are all here for you when you need it! :grouphug:

 

Our first three months were exactly like your post! It was HELL. Both had reflux and Claire was colicky. They only slept in their cribs for the first two weeks and then they wouldn't sleep laying down. We used the carseats for a long time and we also slept in the living room! I went back to work at 10 weeks and it saved my sanity.

Newmom2twins gave you some good responses. I just wanted to add trying Boiron Cocyntal Colic Relief. This stuff is amazing!!! I still use it when they are very gassy. You can order it online but it's cheaper to buy at a health food store since you won't have to pay shipping. At 8 weeks, we switched Claire to Alimentum and it did wonders for her colic. Keep an eye on your little boy. You may need to try different formulas at some point.

And hang in there... For me around 8-9 weeks things didn't seem quite as bad. Then I went back to work. By three months, things started to get fun. Mine are 7 months now and sometimes I wonder if they are the same kids that I gave birth to because for me, taking care of them is a piece of cake now! I cannot believe the contrast with our lives now and our lives during the first three months.

It will get better and easier.

 

You are really in the thick of things, and I think there's a lot going on here. Bottom line: do whatever works right now and don't feel guilty about any of it. There's no single right answer to any of this, just what works for you!

1. I am guessing your pedi doesn't have twins either! Do your best to get them synched up for your own sanity.. this might mean you feed one early, but just start feeding one when you feed the other and they'll get into a routine that way. Life is too bonkers when all you're doing is feeding!
2. Reflux is not fun... have you got meds for dealing with the reflux? The swing is good to keep her inclined.. as for your son, can you get a moby wrap and wear him so you can free up your hands to deal with your daughter? Some people have even been successful wearing both twins. And as hard as you try, you will not be able to respond to every cry. Just remember that and know you're doing well as long as you're doing your best. If they're crying and your hands are busy tending to the other one, well that's just the way it is.. it sucks being a twin.
3. Do whatever is comfortable for sleeping arrangements. I had mine in my room next to the bed until they were 5 months. It worked for us!
4. Sleep habits will change in a few more weeks, this part is just tough. It will be easier if you can get their feeding and eating synched up so that you can have a break.. a shower, a nap, laundry.. 5 minutes of quiet.
5. They'll do different things at different times for sure... babies do sort of have a peak fussy phase, maybe he's just hit his.
6. I didn't go back to work early, but assuming that they'll be going to daycare, let the daycares work their magic on getting them on a schedule and calming them.
7. Don't worry about anything! You're doing the best you can!! Props are great if they work.. find what works and stick to it. He's too young to learn any patterns of dependence right now. I don't think you can "spoil" him.
8. It's true what your nanny says.. it WILL get easier. Feeding just gets easier all the time. However, if she's feeding them she should be able to take over and feed both so you can have a break. She can prop one on a boppy or in a bouncy chair and hold the other.
9. Your feelings are totally normal, but it does sound like you might be a bit PPD. You are doing everything right, but it's hard when you're sleep deprived, overwhelmed and listening to crying ALL day to cope. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about getting appropriate therapy or help.
10. I had the same problem getting "help" from my family.. I still feel more stressed out after they leave than I should.. right now you can only let effective help in and don't worry about the rest. You'll get more confident as time goes on and you won't need as much assistance, so family visits will get easier.
11. Anxiety is also a part of PPD. If your feelings are that serious, please consider talking to your doctor. I felt this way in the early days.. I was so anxious and I realize now that I didn't have to feel that way. I could have enjoyed the whole process a lot more if I had just recognized how bad it was.

Check in with us, I hope things improve for you quickly :grouphug:

 

BIG HUGS!!! Ditto ditto ditto on all responses!! I for sure could've written your post at that point with my girls. Looking back it was all a bit hazy.. I don't even know how we got through it all!!! All I can say is that everything got a lot better as time went on. Our girls are 4.5 months old. I don't know if anyone else already suggested it, but have you read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child? It saved our lives! I was so sleep deprived at about 15 weeks that I seriously thought I was losing my mind. That kind of sleep deprivation completely sends your body out of whack in a very scary way!!! Oh and for what it's worth, my pediatrician does have twins and the one thing he was absolutely adament about was that we have them on the same feeding schedule.. they even had failure to thrive. Mine were both a bit colicky around that time and one of mine had reflux that is finally starting to resolve. Make taking care of yourself a priority. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your little one at 37 weeks.. I can't imagine how hard that must've been. We lost 2 pregnancies and it was devastating. We also went through 4 rounds of fertility treatments- not IVF though and I had the same feelings. From my experience, I honestly think there must be a link between PPD and people who have gone through the ringer with fertility treatments...


You're in my thoughts and prayers!!! Keep us posted how you're doing!!!!!!

 

We have all been there! Hang in there. It WILL get better. We promise. I would put them both on the same feeding schedule. They were big for 36 weeks, so I don't know why your pedi is worried about demand feeding. When one wakes, wake the other to feed. I tried to get them on a schedule from the time they were born. We use to feed in the bouncy seats or Boppy. We'd prop the bottle with a blanket, so only one of us had to feed them at night. I use to swaddle and put them in their bouncy seats or swing to sleep when they were that little. Don't worry about creating bad habits at this age. They are still so young. Do whatever gets you all some sleep. Some babies like the car seat too, especially if they have reflux. What meds is she on? Zantac didn't work for mine. Prilosec did. We also switched her to Nutramigen, which is the same as Alimentum. She has a milk allergy and that formula made such a difference. You might need to switch their formula. Gripe water also helped my two. Try putting the colicky baby across your arm with their belly facing down. There is something about that position that is supposed to help their belly. If yours like to be swaddled, invest in a Miracle Blanket. It helped mine sleep so much better. It was amazing. Lastly, you might need to go on meds and go talk to someone. I waited until they were a few months old and I wish I had gone much sooner. I suffered way too long. I had major anxiety and felt like a failure as a mom. I went on Zoloft and it really helped a lot. Being a mom to twins is extremely overwhelming. Add a baby that has reflux or colic and it's 10x harder. Good luck. Every week that goes by get a little easier.

 

:hug: You have received GREAT advice and I am pretty sure all of us mommas on here can relate to most everything you have said. Our twins are almost one now and I can't believe I can say it but it does get better! I still have days where I just want to die and pull my hair out or stab my ears with an icepick so I can't hear all the screaming anymore :rotflmbo: The difference is now that those feelings are not every day anymore. Twins is beyond hard but you can do this!!

Definitely synch up their feeds, do whatever it takes to get them to sleep whether it be taking drives or playing white noise/fan have them on vibrate in their bouncies etc. My worst was having one scream while the other was eating so I couldn't get to them. If you feel formula would help all of you then by all means do what will help mommy the most any breastmilk you give them is beneficial!

Way to go momma making it this far! Vent anytime! Just because you are feeling overwhelmed does not mean you love them any less so don't feel bad about that. And my condolences on your previous loss.

 

I agree with the advice by the PP and just wanted to lend some additional moral support. Hugs.

 

Just a quick update and follow up to some of your questions.

Daughter is not on meds for her reflux. Pedi says she's gaining weight nicely (they're 10lbs each now at 5.5weeks) and she doesn't spit up enough to warrant it. However, she 'struggles' a lot in her sleep, usually resulting in a fart, but not always.

I have tried tandem feeding, and the actual 'feeding' part is relatively manageable. It's the soothing back to sleep that is SO HARD. Both like to be held and rocked back to sleep, or just held, and it's hard on my back, and hard on my patience. Soon as I put them down BANG they're awake again. I guess I need to let them CIO? I hate to do that at 5.5 weeks..... And soothing them both back to sleep at once is impossible for one person - do you have any suggestions?

Son HAS to be swaddled, because his limbs flail and grab at his face. He hates it, but it's necessary. We open the swaddle to feed and change diapers to let him stretch, but when he gets tired again, out comes the swaddle. And we use miracle blankets which really piss him off LOL

I will try Boiron Cocyntal Colic Relief

Husband & I take shifts with the twins, but neither gets any sleep while 'on duty'. He is awake in the evening until 3:30am, when I take over. No one can "sleep when they sleep" because THEY DON'T SLEEP LONGER THAN 1-2 HOURS!!. When we've finished with one, the other is waking up and on it goes. Another thing - they both sleep feed, but won't take their usualy 4oz during the night, they fall asleep and refuse the bottle by pursing their lips, locking their mouths shut. Once they're asleep, we're so grateful for the peace that we usually leave them where they are and let them sleep - be it the couch (propped with rolled blankets and watched closely) or their swings. I've tried undressing them (screaming!) changing their diapers (at every feeding) tickling their cheeks, etc. It usually results in a very unhappy baby who then won't go back to sleep and still refuses any more than 2 oz during the night.

I hate to admit that I might have PPD. I have been treated for depression for many years and went off the medication during my third trimester and I was great. I guess the hormones kept me afloat. I am loathe to start medication again - but I will give it another 2 weeks to see if I can cope. I was hoping I'd never have to be on meds again.

Any responses to my update? thanks ladies!!!

 

You've gotten some great advice and I just wanted to echo what others have said, it will get better. These first few months are tough!
As for them sleeping where you leave them, if that's what works, let them sleep there. I had to do that with my two during the day at nap time, they were horrible nappers and we could not get a nap schedule down at all. What I did during the overnights (keep in mind, our pedi wanted us to put weight on the kids, so initially we had to feed them every two- three hours round the clock, so they were kind of on this schedule early on...I think after the two month appointment we were given the okay to feed on demand) was I would wake one, change him or her, prop the baby on the boppy pillow with a bottle also propped under some blankets and then I would start the next one. I tried to be as quiet as possible during night time feeds, keep the lights low & my voice soft so that they knew it was still "sleepy time". That's what I did to kind of keep them on the same feeding schedule.
I think it is always good to check in with your doc to see if you might have PPD :hug:

 

My babies were the same way. They would only go back to sleep if you held them. My husband and I slept with a baby on our chest for weeks and weeks. It was the only way any of us could get any sleep. At that point, you just do whatever you have to do to get through each day.

We went back and forth with the swaddling, sometimes they didn't like and sometimes it worked like a charm.

I also had PPD and was put on Lexapro. I so feel for you. Your situation sounds like mine so much. It was miserable and now most of it is a blur and seems like a dream.

It you can, get out of the house!! That is very important. Pack the kids up and go for a drive or a walk. It will distract them a little and give you a little time to think and to breath.

 

Hmm. we were just talking about that last night. I'm afraid to take them to bed, but I'm thinking this might be the only way anyone gets some sleep and might help them actually go 3-4 hours at night between feeds.

 

First off :hug: YOU CAN DO THIS!! and you WILL get through it! I was right there not long ago feeling the same as you.

1. They are on different feeding schedules. Pedi recommends demand-feeding right now because they are so young. This leaves us both exhausted and worthless throughout the day and night. I am going insane.

I would demand feed but when one feeds, feed the other wheether they seem hungry or not.

2. I know this may sound scary, but I had this same problem at this age.They were still sleeping in bassinets next to me on the couch so I would flip them over on their stomach. To this day, this STILL sleep that way. I would find anything, swing, bouncy whatever. If that didnt work, flip em. They did it in the NICU and I think thats where my LOs started the tummy sleep. I was right there with them and usually had a hand on one. If they do have apnea or respitory issues I May would hold off and just find some prop. Even prop an end of a mattress up so they are on a slight incline.

3. We camped out in the living room as well until they were about 3 months. it was ea sier as the bedrooms were upstairs and at least in the living room we had plenty of room and we were 5 steps from the kitchen to prepare bottles, etc. Once we moved at about 3 months or so to our bedroom, they shared the top portion of the pack n play. DD made the crib move at around 4-5 months and never looked back. She LOVES it. DS, another story. Hes still in our room in the pack n play LOL


4. @ this age, you shouldnt expect much more than 2-3 hours between feedings. IT WILL GET LONGER but at this age, that sounds just right


5. Tummy time!!! Even if they scream, give them some small amounts of tummy time several times a day. DS will get used to it!

6. I went back to work at 6 weeks. It was hard but I did have a post pardum doula help out 3 times a week so that I got at least a 5 hr stretch at night. You get used to it and you just do it!

7. You do what you do to have sleep. We all did it. Try Swaddles. that saved us at that age!!

8. Ha!! For me it was easier to feed them when they were smaller than bigger at the same time until they held their own bottles. Try to find ways she can feed together.

9. OMG you are lucky!!! What I wouldh ave done with 8 hours straigth sleep! Havey ou talked to your Dr regarding your feelings? It sounds as though you may have a touch of PPD. I started taking Lexapro around 3 months and OMG what a world of difference!!! You also need some time to yourself. Go get dinner with friends or mani or pedi. Get refreshed and you will be surprised how much you can tackle afterwards!


10. I have family issues so I am not help there either! , You have got to get over the seperation anxiety from you DD. I know easier said thats done, but you will not get any breaks or help if it continues. You really need to talk to your Dr about Lexapro or something similar. I think that would help you so much as far as your anxieties go

Things got slightly better for me around 4 mths, a little better at 6 and now that they are mobile it got alot better!!

I agree its too soon for schedule. However, I would start tryign to start one slowly. Keep it dark at night, start bedtiem routines, etc. However it is early for them to really understand and "get" a schedule


I gave up pumping at around the same time. It was the best decision I made. I wish I could have did it longer or nursed but it wasnt in the cards for me. I didnt ahve time to pump anymore. It was a good 30 min to feed and once you got them changed and fed it was a good hour and I barely had 1 1/2 hr in between feedings for sleep, shower, whatever and pumping took away antoher 20-30 min of that. Dont beat yourself up!!! It worked out for us.

As far as colic, you should try Nutramigen. It worked wonders for DS

 

We use to fall asleep with them on our chests. They would sleep so much better that way. It was only during those first couple months. Eventually, they started to sleep better on their own. There is a great breastfeeding forum on here. I'm sure you'll get some great tips. I only nursed for 6 weeks, so I don't have any good advice on that. Mine took a bottle in the middle of the night from the beginning. My husband did that feed by himself, so I could get a good 4-5 hours of sleep. I'd have to wake up to pump or nurse at that point. Do yours like the bouncy seat or swing? I use to swaddle with a binky and put the vibration on the bouncy or put them in the swing to sleep. They seemed to like that. At that age, they didn't sleep long. They might go 3 hours between feeds. I think around 6-8 weeks they dropped a feed at night. That was the best! Once you start getting some sleep, life will seem so much more manageable. If the pedi thinks she has reflux, why doesn't he put her on meds? Mine didn't spit up with the reflux. Hang in there. It will start to get a little easier any day now. Just take it one day at a time. You'll have some good and bad days, but it's only temporary.

 

You've made it through the first 5 1/2 weeks, better days are around the corner. Its somewhere between 6 and 8 weeks that babies start to lengthen their sleep a little bit. I think we beat ourselves up and over analyze because we have 2 to manage, but sleeping 1-2 hours at a time is actually normal newborn behavior. If we only had one baby we would be content to hold that baby all day and not think twice about it. You may consider changing your shift schedule so that both you and DH are awake at certain times where they are the fussiest so you can both hold one.

I mostly breastfed, but the bedtime feeding was always a bottle. I would swaddle them, put them in boppies, and feed them both at the same time. If they are swaddled tightly, you should be able to rock both of them at the same time. When I first nursed I didn't tandem, so I would feed one, hand that one off to DH to rock to sleep, and then feed the second. Maybe that is possible for you to get more rest between feeds.

It is too early for CIO but it is not too early for instilling a schedule. I am a devoted follower of HSHHC and my babies went from very high maintenance newborns to kids that have fallen asleep on their own since 4 months. Make sure you have an official "wake" time every day. We did 7-8 AM. At that time, shades go up, lights go on, house gets noisy, babies get dressed for the day. Then, make sure you have a "bedtime" about 12 hours later. At that time, lights are dim, and feedings are done without talking and interacting, they should be fed away from TV, etc. This will prime them so that when the upcoming 4-5 hour stretch of sleep happens, it will happen at night.

Remember, this is all biological. Newborns are programmed to demand frequently to send signals to moms body and their brains do not make melatonin. This is part of the rapid brain development that happens in the first three months, which are really just the "fourth trimester". I went back to work at 8 weeks and my babies turned the corner right about that time.

I would definitely see your doctor about your anxiety. Its only gonna get worse when you have to leave them all day!