Fighting over toys

I know I've read somewhere (probably in some twins book), that you should let them "work it out" between themselves when they start tugging/grabbing over the same toy until they learn what sharing is (about 18 months or so?). At that time you can start setting up a timer and let each have a turn.

I have a very assertive twin girl with no fear and a "sensitive" boy. She takes everything from him and he cries big tears. I usually try to let them "work it out" and usually after some tugging, Jocelyn get the toy and Gavin starts wailing and starts to crawl over to me for comfort. I don't know if I should be intervening in some way at this point or, as the book said, let them work it out because they will need to learn that skill earlier than singletons.

Wondering what you all have done and what really is the best approach as to lay the proper framework going forward.

Thanks!

 

Your b/g twins sound like my two. My DD is more of the assertive one and DS is the sensitive one. I do agree with the timer idea. I usually let my two work it out but if they start fighting and I see that letting them work it out is only making things worse and not better, I usually tried to redirect them to another toy or put the toy in question in time out.

 

This is what we do, too. And our B/G have similar temperaments, but he is starting to stand up for himself more. We have to intervene, because they'll bite each other, and he'll head-butt her. Redirection doesn't always work, because usually they'll both want the "new" toy, and forget the old toy, so the fighting continues. Taking the toy away from both is what we do, but I don't know if it's right, since it seems to punish both of them, when really only one was the offender.

 

At that age I would give the toy back to whoever had it first, and distract the second one with a different toy.

In a few more months (maybe around 14-15 months), I started saying "No no Liam, we have to share, let Rylee have that toy, you play with this toy!" If whoever had the toy first has moved on, I didn't worry about it, but if they were crying for that toy, i'd give it back to them again and distract the second one. (Mine steal pretty evenly from each other).

I also do things like give one a cookie, and ask them to take a second cookie to the other one. They do this with juice, cookies, toys (2 balls for example)...etc. It's teaching them to share I think because everyone is always amazed at how well they share. They don't understand the taking turns concept yet, but they do share most things very well. This just started around 16 months or so.

 

We really stress "wait your turn or trade." It works much of the time, but I'm noticing they're getting much more ornery about it. We also do toy time-outs (put the toy away) if it's really causing problems.

We also have a shover and a shovee, so I'm working on that too. It's been REALLY hard the last 3-4 days, I wish I knew what was going on.

 

We have a shover and a shovee as well! We have been working really hard on "no pushing" because the shover likes to shove everything, not just his twin. He is also the bigger of the 2 and tends to dominate his brother. At this point (18 mths), they still don't seem to get sharing, so we usually return the toy to whomever had it orignally and distract the theif with a new one. However, Matthew (my "bully") thinks it is a funny game to repeatedly try to take Carter's toy over and over again. We have started seperating them in different areas of the room if necessary until Matthew forgets about tormenting Carter and moves on. Carter is also slowly learning to stick up for himself, which I am sure will bring its own issues.

 

This is what I did too. I really don't think they can work it out themselves at that age and, as they get older, I wouldn't want the more dominant one to think it's OK to grab toys off other people.