Discipline at 18 months

DH and I are having trouble disciplining our 18 month olds. They most definitely understand what "no" is and they have become quite defiant. They get into the same "off limits" places over and over again (places that we can't baby proof like a spice drawer and some electronics). We try saying "no" and redirecting or distracting them. This sometimes works but they are usually back into the same things over and over again all day long. DH says they are defiant because there are no consequences. He want to spank them. (He has tried slapping their hands and they just laugh). I have mixed feelings about spanking. I don't think spanking is an appropriate consequence for minor offenses ... we could be spanking them 100 times a day. It seems like they are too young for time outs to be effective. I'm not sure what to try. We are also having issues with biting, hitting, pinching, stepping on others, pulling hair, etc.

Baby #3 is due in 2 months and I have no idea how I will discipline them while I am nursing. They do not listen when I say "come here" or "no." They just laugh and continue being disobedient. How will nursing and discipline work?

Any ideas?

 

I would read this book, like ASAP http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood/dp/1930429002

At this age, children DO NOT do things to be defiant. It is much better to think of them as scientists. The reason they do things over and over is because they are testing what the rules are in every situation. "Can I touch this when mom is on the phone? Can I touch this when both mom and dad are in the room? How about when it's dark outside?" You just have to be consistent with your redirections.

Also, they will respond to any type of emotional reaction, you will be much better off staying as neutral as possible. Just redirect and move on.

 

I completely second this book (that PP sent the link for.) If anything to try to read about what you are experiencing right now and how to deal with it. We are RIGHT behind you. I am reading it for a second time because suddenly their personalities are coming out - I notice they act differently with me than with DH - at 16 mos. EEK! Anyway, for what it is worth...good luck.

 

i agree that it isn't about defiance at that age - they're just super curious & want to be in everything & try everything out. i found the things that worked best for my girls were being right next to them & at eye level when giving an instruction, giving a positive instruction rather than a negative (ie "please close the drawer" rather than "no! don't open the drawer"), short 1 minute time outs, and consistency, consistency, consistency! the time outs were tricky at first because we used a mat on the floor, so at first i would have to put them on the mat & then sit next to the mat. they could stand on the mat, or lay on the mat, or jump up & down on the mat, but the minute they stepped off the mat, i would silently pick them up & put them back on the mat until their time out was done. it took a bit of time but now they know they're not allowed off the mat when they're in time out.

if you aren't comfortable with spanking, i would definitely avoid that route. i think it's one of those things that if you aren't sure about it, you'll regret doing it, KWIM?

 

I agree with the others, that it's just babies natural curiosity coming into play, that and the fact that they still have fairly short memories and attention span. It could be as simple of a case as "I wasn't supposed to touch this yesterday, but what about today?" Consistency is very important, what you do yesterday you need to do today, and tomorrow, and the next day. If you chose to do time outs, then you have to do them all the time.

For right now, my kids get a couple of warnings (usually 2 if they are back to back warnings), then if it's something they shouldn't be touching, they get a slap on their hand, a firm "No SIR/MA'AM" and redirection. My ds is especially stubborn and sometimes it takes several redirections before he occupies himself with something he's allowed to play with.

As for the hitting/biting...etc, as soon as they do it, I tell them "No no that's not nice", ask them to kiss their bro/sis, and then redirect. Again they don't really understand they are hurting the other child, but they do understand the word "no", which they associate with something they aren't allowed to do. Mine are already showing more signs of sharing/compassion at this age than my older ones did, and I'm positive it's because they are twins and I've had to be more aggressive in teaching them to share/take turns than i did with my singletons. What 16 month old feeds their bro/sis snacks? Carries their drinks to their sibling? Shares paci's? I know my older kids sure didn't do that at this age! :lol:

 

I agree with PP's...it's not defiance, just natural curiosity not only about the forbidden places in the house but also about what gets a reaction out of your and your DH. One of the things I learned (and struggle with but I am better at it) is to try to discipline without emotion. I found if they see me get worked up, then they got the reaction they wanted. At 18 months, I did do a lot of redirecting but there were certain behaviors that were automatic TO's. At that time, DH and I did TO's in our lap for one minute. TO worthy offenses in our house (at that time) were for biting, hitting, kicking, and if we had to redirect more then 3 times.
Whatever discipline method you choose the most important thing is to be consistent. I found TO's to be helpful for our two during that time. Good luck!

 

You just hit the nail on the head. This is so hard - takes a lot of practice...I am not good at it and boy do they see it. EEK

 

Sounds like normal toddlers- but for us redirecting did not work, either. I wish it did, because I don't like seeing my little guys sad... but it doesn't.

The only thing that works for us *which we were told was developmentally appropriate once the boys hit one from a developmental pediatrician* is time outs. Very appropriate, and they work. Not every time, because our boys are very stubborn, and, like most toddlers, like to test limits (like we should be surprised by this, on a scale from 1-10 I'm about a 9 on stubborness, spouse is a 10).

We've had problems with twin B biting, both twins hitting. For the really 'bad' behavior (biting, hitting) they get immediate time outs. For our twin B the frequency started going down after about two days of consistant time-outs.

For everything else, they get 3 warning 'nos' and then they get time outs if they don't listen. (We pick our battles, of course, most things like this are destructive/dangerous inappropriate, or just outright 'bad behaviour" like throwing things)

Our time outs are in their room away from everyone for a few minutes.

Developmental pediatrician said spanking, slapping hands, etc. is not a good way to discipline, because then you get a child that thinks it's OK to hit when someone else does something 'bad', etc. when they get older.

 

I agree with this a lot. My little monkeys are now 20 months and my little guy is almost 4 months. I have him in my arms a LOT and breastfeeding does make it a little harder but really I'd have to put down a bottle too. I started reading 1-2-3 Magic and they caught on pretty quick. I could definitely be more consistent but all in all I rarely get past 2. I also "catch" them being good as often as I can and word things like above. Instead of always getting yelled at they think thet are helping me. I set up a pack and play for time outs and they are in there for 1 minute (a minute for each year..age). I don't use it very often anymore. It's really more used for hitting and headbutting for the moment anyway. I probably let them get away with a lot more than they should but this is freakin hard work and I'm way overwhelmed. I do not spank because I know I can have a short fuse and lose my temper. Time outs give both of us a needed breather sometimes. Good luck and I know it's hard to keep up when preggo as well as with a new one. (((hugs)))

 

Thanks everyone. I definitely want to read 1-2-3 Magic and the Love and Logic book. I've had my eye on both of those for awhile. The last few days have been better. I am trying to stay as unemotional as possible. We will probably try time-outs in the near future.

 

We have the same issue going on but like other PPs, it is the testing phase but with one it whe is testing us. For example, the one who is testing us, she knows what "feet on the floor" means and she will sit down when we tell her that but the other is a complete instigator and is naughty. She is an instigator and teases her twin and older sister and redirection isn't working because she is so persistent... We are going to start time outs with her this weekend. They work with our 2-1/2 year old DD. I'll report back once we see how it is going. Funny thing, she was a great baby...calm, slept through the night early, etc. but now a stinker but I love the huge personality LOL

Good luck!

 

We do time outs and our babies are 19 months old. I gave my DD her first time out at 10 or 11 months old for hitting her brother a second time right after I told her "no" after she did it the first time. When I say "go to time out" they each know where to go and walk themselves there. We do 1 - 1 1/2 minutes (1 minute per year of life) and then tell them when they can come out of time out. They do go to "t.o." for the same thing over and over, but it's like everyone has said, they want to know where the line is and when it's okay to do things and when it's not. It's hard and sometimes frustrating, but you just have to stick with it. I'm looking forward to the day when I see our dedication to discipline has paid off!

 

I have 16 month old twin girls, and I'm right there with discipline too. My girls hit, bite, pull hair, step on each other. Sometimes I let them cry, sometimes I spank them for hitting. I am trying to be consistent with my disciplining. I am a single mother, I live with my parents, but I dont let my parents discipline my girls. Should I just let them figure it out on my own? I hate to constantly tell them no, but how will the learn to get along and play fair with each other?

 

Also wanted to suggest Siblings Without Rivalry...powerful powerful book. Started with that and followed with Love and Logic. One thing with all these parenting books. Empathy is key, but most importantly, you have to start young, like now, and not wait for them to talk like little people. And you have to model the behavior as parents. In other words, when you are consistent in your behavior to others and them, they will have you as a guide. And when you empathize with them, they will understand even if they don't understand the language, that you recognize their feelings and their need, even if they don't get their way. You are giving them respect. People laugh at Harvey Karp's toddler book, but Toddlerese is all about empathy. It is just hard as adults to simplify. We are impatient and want them to learn etiquette over night. I have a slip up at least once a day - still working on modeling..heh heh.

lilanny - IMO, there are times to just ignore and let them figure it out, but when you see them playing well, make sure to give that positive feedback, i.e., "I am so proud of you for playing so nice." So try to call out the positive. Also, when they are fighting over a toy, you can say to the current toy owner, "it doesn't feel good to have a toy taken when you are playing with it" and you can say to the stealer "I know it must be hard to wait your turn to play with that toy", and then you can state the rule of the house, which may be as an example, "when someone is playing with a toy we need to play with another toy or ask if we can play together". Again, you may feel crazy right now, but by the time they do talk, they will have already been hearing the words. They are understanding from your tone and attitude. So, make a statement about how they are feeling to empathize, then state the rule that must be followed. When they can't follow that rule, Love and Logic would have you say something like, "how sad, the rule is blah blah blah and since it isn't being followed we will have to put that toy away for now." And then, in effect, you remove the distraction. Sorry for the long-winded response...my current obsession.

Amber - I know what you mean about the "no" thing. They see our response, hear no, and it is like a direct invitation to go back again. As far as spanking, each families decision, but you can find a lot of research that says it is of no benefit and in fact leads to potential anger and resentment problems later. Let alone fear. It doesn't work anyway. We have had an issue with Jude going to the dog food. It took a couple of days, but I changed my tactic after reading L&L. Instead of saying no or rather yelling it from across the room, or chasing her (which is what I was doing), I nonchalantly say, "that's too bad, the rule is we don't touch Bo's food", and I remove her back to her toys one room over. I must have done this calmly with no flinch or raise of voice 20 times over a couple days. She doesn't touch it now. It is like she got bored because she wasn't getting a rise out of me. She feeds off my emotions. It is exhausting to figure out situations to be sure, but eventually maybe we will all be pros at it and when they are 3 or 4, they will have learned a lot to keep them out of trouble. We will see I guess!