Does anyone else feel kind of...

Let me first say, I love my DH and my boys. But seriously, I feel like I do everything for everyone else and have no time for me. I mean, I rarely eat, put makeup on, exercise, do the things I once loved. I am so busy making sure that my three men have everything before I do. They are comfortable....

When DH is home with me, he sits on the couch and watches TV. Gives directives to the boys and of course they do not listen. You have to get off your butt and do something about it. I give one warning and then I am up to discipline. It drives me up the wall that he yells and yells at them.

When I am home and someone has a poopy, I am the one to change it. Its almost like he knows that I will smell it and then deal with it right away. He never gets off his lazy butt and does anything.

I pretty much do everything and it has been this way since birth...actually since we have been married. It just seems magnified since the boys came.

I have talked to him til I am blue in the face and personally I don't think he cares.

Thanks for listening.
Jenn

 

so sorry!!! you might have better luck just leaving the house some times to let him have some "quality" time with the kids... some weekend days I just go back to the bedroom myself and either read or nap and let my dh take care of them. we need some of our own time too.

though if you say its been like this before kids... I would think that it would take a long time to change old habits... I like how a friend said what her husband was doing with her son when she came to a baby shower w/o her baby... someone asked if her dh was "babysitting"... she said "no he was 'parenting'"!!

a book I'm ready suggested that you get more of what you focus on... as in "focus on the positive" instead of the negative... this was in relation to getting kids to do what you want (instead of saying no or stop to things... you tell them what you want them to do, like come here or whatever... ) it might work with your dh too... giving him praise for the things he is doing right... ?

good luck keeping your sanity!

 

:hug:
When your DH is home, can you tell your DH that you are going out and he is on kid detail for a couple of hours, so that you can get some time to yourself?
My DH and I make a schedule so we can get some time to ourselves. I would keep addressing the issue with him and also let him know that you feel like he is not listening to you. I am sorry that you are going through this :hug:

 

i'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. :hug:

when i start to feel like you are, i make a point of asking specifically for the things i want. so, if i smell a poopy diaper i'll ask/tell DH it's his turn to change the diaper. if i need to get out of the house for a bit, i tell him i'm going & go. if there's a lot of tidying up/cleaning that needs to be done i'll often offer DH a choice - would he like to empty/fill the dishwasher or take the garbage out? through doing this, i've realized that 9 times out of 10, DH is just completely unaware of what needs to be done - it literally does not register on his radar. by asking for specific things it's like a light bulb goes on for him & he's happy to help. i've also realized that often DH does think he's helping but the problem is that he's not helping in the way i need at the moment - so i've started trying to appreciate the things he does do, but also keep communicating what i want/need as well.

 

*hugs*

Make a complete list of all the chores that need to be done. Then you can say something like "Honey, let's each do 3 things on this list before ______ (choose definitive time) ."

Such a list might include:
- Make dinner
- Set table
- Feed kids
- Give kids a bath
- Assist kids in cleaning up toy area
- Read bedtime stories
- Laundry
- Watering the plants
- Feeding the dogs/cats
... the list can go on and on.

Set a specific time for things to be done. For instance, three tasks: folding laundry, the dishes, taking the trash out, etc have to be done before settling into the couch and watching TV at night.

The underlying principle should be -- No One Gets To Sit on His/Her Bottom Before All Chores Are Done!

It's been mentioned, but make sure to say thanks for his efforts, and focus on the stuff he does right. And hopefully he will finally get a clue and start to thank you for all the things that you've been doing all along!

 

I've heard that you shouldn't say "could you take out the garbage ?" it is "WOULD you take out the garbage ?" I know I know can that make such a difference ?? Sometimes it can. I think where it is hard having young kids and especially with twins or many children the difficulty lies when you dh comes home he wants to "zone out" and he doesn't realize that you do too.

I have had days where the moment my dh has entered the house, I've said "I'm leaving" took the keys and left just to get a break away from them. You need to join a gym just to have some time to yourself and go there every evening !! Go to one that has T.V.s and showers.... ooooh very nice, oh and a little cafe would be great too.

When men need a shower -- they TAKE ONE. When men need to eat -- THEY EAT. When men need a break -- THEY GO TO A GAME. They just take what they want, and women wait and wait and wait and wait for someone to come along and see that they need a shower, food, a break.

So you just have to TAKE IT. 80% /20 % You need to take care of yourself 20 % so you can give 80 % to your family.

Good luck and tell us how it goes.

Heather

 

I really like this!!! :good: I need to send this to my sister, who takes care of everyone and never takes care of herself.

 

I think it is in men's dna. You have to specifiy what you want from them. They are not mind readers. With that said, I fall into the same boat (cycle). I give and do and do and do until I have a physical and mental breakdown, panic attack. Then I just seek an opportunity and leave. I finally did that yesterday. And today, I am still anti doing what needs to be done. I have just been watching tv and laying down since I got home from physical therapy ( I broke my shoulder in may with a bike accident- and still recoverying....)...

 

We've always been a 50/50 household especailly when it comes to the girls. However, I found myself slipping more and more into the "doer of all things babies" and letting myself get overwhelmed. If you give someone the opportunity to take a break (sit on the couch and not help) they will take it (I WOULD!) Finally like many mommies I had a freakout/breakdown about "all that I do". My DH said "why didn't you say something? Why didn't you ask for my help?" and my answer was very typical "you SHOULD want to help, you should notice me running around!" So I realized yet again they don't read minds and like most people, they will step back if someone else is stepping in. Take your breaks, no one is going to help you but you. A happy wife is a happy life!

 

Thank you for venting and sharing! I got SO much out of the replies from other twin moms. My husband is the same way and I think, as many said, they are oblivious. Once I ask him, he's like "oh, okay!" I really like the idea of a schedule and we are really trying to iron one out so we both have time to get away and do those things we used to enjoy doing. Ask, ask, ask. Insist, insist, insist. In the end, you will all be much better off!