I feel like such a failure

We've been having issues with my DS, Conner, for quite a while now. He's naughty ALL.THE.TIME! Nothing is working & I mean nothing. And now it's getting worse because we're having a lot of issues at school. EVERY day I pick him up, I get a negative report. He's hitting, spitting, throwing things, etc. Last week he BIT his teacher! He's NEVER bitten anyone before! Today he hit & kicked his teacher. He's really stressing them out, just as he's stressing us out. It's constant at home. The screaming, throwing, kicking, hitting, spitting, & disobedience is out of control. You'll tell him not to do something & he'll just look at you, smile, & do it! We had a babysitter Friday night & even the sitter had trouble with him (aren't kids supposed to be better for people not their parents?). He doesn't see his grandparents much, but gave both of them grief this past weekend to the point that they commented on his behavior.

Now, I'm not saying his twin, Aiden, is an angel. They're (almost) 3. I understand they're going to be naughty & Aiden, I would say, is appropriately naughty. He's easily tolerable & discipline works well for him.

But, Conner seems unphased by EVERYTHING. We are consistent, I swear. He's in time out all the time. He puts himself in time out sometimes. Ugh. He gets treats/privileges/rewards taken away. He gets sent to bed early. He gets sent away from the table without eating. He didn't respond to our most recent sticker chart (he has in the past). I'm at a loss. His speech & communication are not a problem...he talks just fine.

I used to leave the house with them all the time...the store, the zoo, the mall, the park, playdates, etc & now I'm avoiding all those things because of him. Each day is a struggle. And when he gets super naughty & wild, Aiden will laugh & join in. I KNOW if he were an only child, a lot of these behaviors would stop. He gets such wonderful feedback from Aiden when he acts up regardless of our reaction.

I'm on my last straw. It's causing so many issues with us as a family because he stresses us out so much that we start snapping at Aiden or each other. DH & I find ourselves not even wanting to spend time with him! I dread him waking in the morning, that's how bad it's gotten.

When he's sweet, he's sweet. He's a loving child, full of hugs & kisses. He loves to snuggle. He just is so stuck on being naughty that none of his qualities are shining through. He drives me to tears...I'm such a failure as a parent. I can't stand it.

Please help.

 

For your sake, I hope it's just a phase. I will say that Jesse and Joshua have gone through spurts of badness, but not too much physically hurting anyone. Could you divide and conquer at home for a couple of days, so one parent could really work on his behavior? Honestly, I really don't have any advice just a hug and a prayer of hope that it's just a phase. J and J seem to take turns with their behavior. One will be up to mischief one day and then the other will try something a couple days later.

 

Might not be what you want to hear, but have you talked to your pediatrician about it? There might be some underlying issue and he might need some help to manage his temper.

 

We see the Pediatrician next week for our 3 year appt & I plan to bring it up with him. I should say that the physical behavior (ie hitting, kicking, etc) is rare, but seems to be escalating more. It's more just plain not listening, throwing things, & SCREAMING. Ugh. You say, "Conner do not take toys from your brother" & he'll SCREAM on the top of his lungs while picking up a different toy, throwing it across the room, & then looking for your reaction. I KNOW he thrives on negative attention. He's been like that for over a year now. And I know I'm guilty of not being able to remain calm (dear Lord, how could anybody after day after day of this?). If we ignore him, he REALLY gets mad & REALLY acts up. He needs like a Super Nanny boot camp or something .

As for the divide & conquer, we do that. And he's significantly better. He does realllllly good on a 1:1 setting. It's like he can't stand us paying attention to anything or anyone else other than him. Most nights, lately, the boys are separated. And I hate that. I hate forcing one to go play in his room while the other plays in the living room. But, by not doing it, they rile each other up so badly that we can't control either of them.

I can't stand his behavior at home, but I do know kids are worse for their parents than they are for others. The fact that he's acting out at school, for babysitters, & for grandparents is what REALLY bothers me. It makes me look just horrible as a parent to have a terror child (which, BTW, I swore I'd never have). He's supposed to move up to the 3 year old room next week at daycare & I PRAY that it helps. I'm hopeful that he's just bored with his current room (where they're the oldest) & that his behavior will improve with new teachers & new 'friends'. He frequently tells me he doesn't like school, doesn't like his teachers, doesn't like his friends, etc. I just wish he'd elaborate more. Ugh.

Do you ever wonder what's going through their little heads? Like, "I'm going to throw this truck at the wall JUST to see mom fly off the couch & freak out at me." Yeah, well, he won that one!

Thanks for the support. I know he's in that horrible 3 year old age, but I cannot survive another year like this. I will not. I just need to figure out WHAT to do to get through to him.....

 

I'd get an EI evaluation - if he has any type of speech delay this could be the way he gets his point across...

 

I agree with the pp's! While I was reading your posts the only thing that I could think of is really focusing on the good behavior. When is he the best and OVERLY reward him for it. Even if it's really small like getting in the car without a fuss, make sure that you over emphasize how nice he was and how you thought he was such a big boy and did great getting in the car. Maybe give him a sticker or a special treat.
Good luck and I hope you get some answers soon!

 

He sounds exactly like my oldest ds. He slowly got better through third grade and then tanked. I took him to the ped at the beginning of fourth grade and he was put on meds for ADHD. The only advice I can give is to remain uber consistent about consequences, even when they don't seem to have an effect and keep trying to find the thing that matters to him. Even when we found something that mattered, he physically was not able to control himself so would still suffer the consequence. It is exhausting to parent him. And I really think it will always be that way. He his wonderful one on one and is better with his siblings now that he's medicated. I am NOT saying you should medicate a 3 yr old! It's rarely diagnosed under 5. Try to remember that it's not you. And he's not doing these things TO you. It may be something completely different, but it sounds just like how it started with Scott. Keep the doc involved and just continue to do your best. :grouphug:

 

My brother was an ADHD kid (though not diagnosed until high school). His behavior was similarly out of control -- though much more violent. He used to throw full-sized adult chairs at me and chase me around the house with the fire poker. At around the same age as your DS our mother put him in karate. It was a life changing event for him. It taught him self-control and how to channel his anger. It also taught him that you only hit in self-defense. Honestly, it was the best thing that she could have possibly done for him (and me). It might be worth a try if you're at wit's end.

Good luck. I hope that things turn around for you. . .soon!

Jenny

 

One suggestion is to spend 10 minute sessions (preferably 1:1) just attending to what he is playing. Do not try to teach or ask questions, just comment on what he is doing with no judgement (playdoh, blocks,trains etc are good for this). "You are playing with the blue playdoh, the tower has 3 red blocks". It is basically sort of play by play showing you are interested.

Sometimes we get in such a cycle of being irritated and such negative interactions that it is difficult to just be with your child and enjoy him. My oldest would act up considerably when he felt he could not please me, DH or his teacher - a new teacher may help this for him as well.

Also trying to really praise him for the times he does not freak out when he is faced with a disappointment, at the time and then later in the day. These are from this book http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Clinically-Six-Year-Olds/dp/0071667822/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279670004&sr=1-2

I hope this phase passes quickly.

 

Starting around age 3, my DS was very similar to yours. The only difference is he did not act out at school, but would always complain that he didn't like it, didn't like the other kids, etc. I dreaded getting up every morning knowing that I had to face him. He will be 5 in a couple of months, but his behavior has gotten MUCH better that last 6 months or so. A few things have changed since then. We enrolled him in martial arts and I'm telling you within weeks, his behavior was improving. I went to a counselor a few times at the same time I started 1-2-3 Magic. The counselor helped me with some parenting advice and the 1-2-3 Magic has done wonders for our family (well, not today but that's a long story). I actually enjoy being around him most of the time now and so do his siblings. I do feel for you and I remember those feelings of guilt (and anger, frustrations, helplesness, etc.) all too well. I think it's a great start to bring it up to your pedi. If you're not happy with his response though, don't hesitate to seek other help. Our pedi at the time kept blaming everything on "tv these days affects kids this way" when she knew nothing of his TV habits. Good luck to you and know that with time and something that "clicks" for your family, it will get better.

 

The things you are explaining sound so much like my son! We were so afraid to take him anywhere because of his behavior and no matter who he was with he just would not behave. I agree with pp, try positive reinforcement instead of negative. Lots, lots, lots of praise. Anything and everything he does that is good, praise him for. You don't have to go overboard, but let him know that he is doing good. Give him incentives for doing well; instead of taking things away for doing wrong, give him things for doing the right thing....game time, individual time with mommy, special show, etc. Emphasize to him that we need to follow rules and tell him why it's good to follow rules and do the right thing. Use every good thing he does as a way to emphasize that he did so well because he followed the rules. If you don't see improvement, then go to a pediatrician. No one wants to be told that their child is ADD or ADHD, but if you have tried everything that you know and you still don't see results you need to talk with someone now, don't wait. We waited and waited with my son and things became terrible once he got into school and his first four years in school were a nightmare.

I also want to say don't stop taking him places. I know your initial response is to stop taking him to the park, zoo, birthday parties, etc., because he just can't behave. But, socialization is very important and he needs to be exposed to that, even if it's hell for you. We stopped taking Luke everywhere and he became absolutely socially backward. He didn't know how to act around kids his age or what to do at certain places. Granted, some of it was a result of his ADHD, but a lot of it was because we stopped taking him places because we never knew what to expect from him and it was literally hell for us. Bad, bad mistake on our part. Hindsight we should have continued on so he would continue to learn how to act and react in situations. Our bad decisions helped him to become socially awkward and you don't want that.

 

Is he currently taking any medications?

The reason I ask is because we were having some issues with Ellie a couple of months ago. Her's included new "mushy-mouth"/baby talk general irritability, lack of appetite, just generally 'off' not herself (and she was holding her pee for a ridiculous amount of time). We went the the pedi about things a couple of times, she'd been hit in the head a few weeks prior (and me knowing just enough to make me dangerous...was thinking brain injury or something). First pedi (covering) initially kind of blew us off. Our regular pedi called us later that week and set up a follow up appt. We went in and brain stormed.

At the end of the visit, he asked me if she took any meds on a regular basis. At the time she was taking Zyrtec almost daily. He then told me that the very first thing he wanted to try, was taking her off the Zyrtec immediately and seeing if that helped. Apparently, they've been having increasing reports of personality changes in little ones taking Zyrtec (and the urinary retention was probably related as well).

Took her off the Zyrtec, two days later, a whole new child! I had my sweet girl back. We also took Searra off at the same time (being identical, I was thinking she might be having some reactions as well.) Another night and day difference. Searra's always been my more 'spirited' girl. She was always so wound up and at times almost full of rage, that it was like a ticking time bomb wondering what might set her off. She also turned back into my Searra Snugglebug that she had been! I really don't feel like I can write what a change there was in the girls. Bedtime was no longer a battle, it really was (and still is!) mind blowing to me, how much of a change there was.

We had been chalking everything up to them being three, everyone warned me "Ha, ha! Three is worse than two, just you wait!" And it wasn't that at all....

Another suggestion is to read the book Raising Your Spirited Child. I came across this when trying to figure out ways to work with them. I love, love, love this book. Even though the girls are much better off the Zyrtec, they're still "spunky" and the book gives awesome recommendations on how to respin your own brain to work with the kiddos personalities and not against them, while still getting across to them that certain things are acceptable and others are not.

GL! I hope you guys figure it out!

 

Thank you all SO much! Funny that even before this behavior started, I had begun to wonder if he was ADD or ADHD. He's SOOO energetic & will NOT sit still! Of course, he is a boy & is almost 3, so it's too early to tell...but it wouldn't surprise me! My stepbrother, brother & niece all have it so I at least know what to watch for as he ages.

I know some of you mentioned karate. Again, something I've wanted to put him in for a while (both of them, actually), but I was unable to find a studio to take them before 4. However, just tonight, I found one with a 3 year old program! I'm so excited! Since they turn 3 Saturday, we're going to go to the free introductory class next Wednesday! Wish me luck! Hopefully that'll give him a nice outlet for all his pent up energy! Unfortunately, it's only 1 night per week!

As for all the other suggestions & ideas, thanks again. I think we really need to improve our positive reinforcement. After this 'phase' (ha) lasting these past few weeks, we're definitely more focused on the negative. I overhead my DS Aiden ask Conner yesterday why he was naughty all the time & I felt bad, because I recalled asking him that a few days ago myself (which Aiden now picked up on). I don't want Conner to feel negatively about himself, as I'm sure that will just fuel the behavior itself. I have twin brothers & one began to act out around middle school age & fell into the wrong crowd (further getting himself into a LOT of trouble). It all started because he felt competition with my other brother & couldn't stand it. I don't want that for my boys & I don't want Conner to feel he's worse than Aiden (who also has his faults). It's something DH & I both really need to stress to him.

I like the reinforcement with rewards vs taking things away when he's bad. Good idea! We'll try that! We have taken away privileges, which he hates, but it doesn't seem to work in the long run.

DH & I talked briefly about things we need to change tonight. We're going to schedule in 1:1 time (Aiden's known for interrupting & prefers to be the center of my attention...I'm constantly having to tell him to leave us alone, so I think we'll need to schedule 1:1 time for Conner in a place where we can't be interrupted) for each the boys & really focus on all Conner's positive attributes (which I DO, but more so). We'll try rewarding him more for positive behavior (we've done this all along, but maybe more so now). I also really want to sit down with him & talk to him each time he acts up to see if I can find an underlying cause (IE he was throwing tantrums before daycare for a week straight, screaming that he didn't want to go. FINALLY he told us he was afraid of the lights, which we later found out was the fire alarm that they had had 2 weeks prior. After talking more to him about it, he seemed happier & the tantrums stopped.) I need to figure out a way to phrase the question about WHY he's acting the way he is so that he understands it better. Right now he just answers more like why he's being punished...like 'because I wasn't listening' type answers.

I also really need to involve our daycare. I plan to talk to the director about moving him up to the 3 year old room as soon as possible to see if his behavior improves. I've talked to his current teachers, but they've given me no real ideas (which frustrates me, since they're supposed to be trained in this age & stuff!). My poor little guy was sent to the office today because he was misbehaving so badly & I hate the thought of that! My little almost 3 year old...getting sent to the office. It's like he's the kid in that old movie, Problem Child was it? Regardless, things obviously need to change there, too.

Chillers, when our doc prescribed Zyrtec for Aiden, I was skeptical. I had heard such horrible things about the side effects. I took him off it before I ever noticed anything...but I'm SO glad that taking your girls off it made a difference! HOORAY! I also plan to check that book out from the library...thanks for reminding me (Nancy, too)!

Utopia, while I don't *LIKE* to take Conner out in public, I still do. I just stress the ENTIRE time, waiting for an embarrassing outburst (which he did quite well at Walmart the other day!). A lot of times he surprises me & I definitely don't want to deprive him of anything just because of his random behavior. I'm definitely more apt to go out with him when my DH is with me, that's for sure!

Anyways, thanks again. You've all given me a glimmer of hope that I needed on this dismal day!

 

I just wanted to add about taking him/them out in public. I notice this with my husband especially.

Sometimes they can leech off of your emotions, even if you have them somewhat hidden. YOU have to be serene and calm if you expect them to act even somewhat calm. When my husband is out, I get more antsy because he doesn't like it when they're too loud or whatnot and I feed off of him, and A&R feed off of me. When it's just me and the kids, it's awesome because I'm cool and calm, therefore they're calm. Plus when I'm calm it makes it easier to deal with them if they weren't calm. There are times that they misbehave or make too much noise, but it's so much easier for me to deal with them when I'm calm.

Same thing with our dogs, my husband can't take them to the dog park because they get all angry and riled up, but when I take them, they play with other dogs, act submissive and not like jerks.

 

It seems like you got great advice already! Big Hugs to you! I hope you get the answers you are looking for at your appointment. :hug:

 

:yahoo: So glad you found a 3 year old program! Good Luck!! I think it will be a great outlet for the boys.

 

We started Luke in Judo and it was a great help to him. Any kind of martial arts is so good becuase they really focus on following rules and being good to others, plus they really help to raise a child's self-confidence, at least that was our experience. Plus, it is a positive way to exert all that energy.

 

We have their Intro to Karate class on Monday. If we like it, we can start the following week! Thus far, I know they have a special running that's $20/kid for 21 weeks (weekly classes). I don't think that's too bad...definitely feasible if it helps them out & they have fun! I'm so excited!

I also went out & bought a book (it's not by me, so I can't recall the exact title) about parenting a strong willed child. I looked through a LOT of books in that section today & this one seemed to fit him best. There are SO many characteristics of a 'spirited' child that don't fit Conner, so I'm hoping this will help me out...even if just a little.

And, of course, I'll speak to our Pediatrician Monday. The boys are at my in laws today (whom they don't see that often) & when I called to check in, my MIL told me Conner had been a bit of a handful there. She told me he's not half as naughty as my DH was as a child. Oh boy...I don't know how she handled it! I also have a meeting set up at daycare tomorrow, so we can get on the same page with things there.

Thanks again for your support, encouragement, & advice. It means a lot to me. While each day itself is a struggle, I have some hope for the long run!

Thanks again!

 

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that you seem so very much on top of things and your concern and willingness to problem-solve these issues for your DS is really awesome! :hug: They are very lucky to have a mommy like you! Best of luck in the coming weeks with the new things you are trying. Karate sounds awesome!

 

good luck with the karate and the book. I saw a twin mom's recommendation on our local board about "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline"... I ordered a used copy off of Amazon and started reading it. I wish work wasn't so busy so I'd have more time to read it, but I wanted to share one of the statements it put in bold in the first couple of pages... it really made me stop and think...

"Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve"...

what? wow! anyway, its an interesting read, and I know that I do not always model the best behavior (I'm not saying that you don't... just I know for myself, I needed to read that)...

It also goes on to state on pg 3:
that the book "can help you become the person you want your child to emulate. It will take your self-discipline and child-rearing skills to new levels. You will learn how to move beyond policing your children with rules and consequences, and discover how to create a home in which healthy relationships flourish and your children voluntarily choose to cooperate".

(my dd is a strong willed child, and I know I need to nip this in the bud... its exhausting when they are naughty. I'd switched to toddler beds 2 months ago, and just last week had to put cribs back up to bring back some peace in the house... I'm hoping to really reign things in before we attempt another big change).

anyway, good luck, sounds like you have some great plans in place!

 

I read "Parenting the Strong Willed Child, The Clinically Proven 5 Week Program For Parents of 2-6 Year Olds" by Rex Forehand last night. Well, I have 2 chapters left anyway. Thank goodness I'm a fast reader & it's an easy read!

I learned a lot from it that we plan to encorporate into our daily lives. I probably won't follow the 5 week program exactly, but will take the fundamentals & go from there. Today I'm getting the "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Kurcinka from a friend & plan to read that. While Conner doesn't fit all the characteristics of a 'spirited child' (he more fits the 'strong willed child' characteristics), I still think it will help. There's another one out there I want, something about The Challenging Child. I forget the title but it's by Stanley Greenspan. I'm waiting for that one to come back into the library.

DH & I definitely need to take a step back & focus on our parenting. Since Conner's behavior has worsened dramatically over the past few weeks, our parenting style has also worsened. We're snippier, we yell A.LOT, & we get angry easy. We're not teaching him anything. Like you said, Maybell, we definitely do not model the best behavior.

So, DH, Conner, & I ALL have some work to do & we plan to start today! Wish us luck! And thanks again....