DH and I are at each other's throats...

I'm not sure what else to do. DH and I have been fighting constantly and I'm afraid we are very quickly headed for a divorce if we don't fix it.

He is lazy. He always has been but it's never been a HUGE issue until the twins were born. He comes home from work and I give him 15 minutes to himself before to unwind before I start throwing babies and bottles and diaper changes at him. But he always tries to rush through a feeding with them, most of the time he quits feeding them before they are done and then he gets mad when an hour and a half later they are still hungry....go figure! We usually do diaper changes at feedings unless we smell something and he will always "forget" to do it.

We have tried a couple of things to get us through the overnight feedings. We tried waking one up when the other woke up to eat but that didn't work out for us because Ella would sleep for 3 or 3.5 hrs and Ben was waking up every 2 and Ella wouldn't want to wake up enough to actually eat. So we started each taking a baby for the night, for example he would get up and feed Ben while I fed Ella that night then the next night we would switch. It's worked out for us a little better. However I wind up still getting up when both babies do because as I said already, DH will rush through the feeding so he can go back to bed and whoever he's feeding won't end up getting a whole bottle or won't get burped enough or will spit up all over and he just puts them back in bed with wet clothes on! WTF?!

I'm exhausted. I am quite literally about to have a breakdown and I don't know where to turn. My mother has made it quite clear that she doesn't want me to call her to ***** or complain. She only wants to hear from me when I'm happy and everything is fantastic. My MIL is the reason we are going through this because she is the one who groomed Brian to be a lazy person by giving him everything he ever wanted (he didn't even do his own laundry until we moved in together). So I can't call her for help. I just feel like I'm sinking. I love my babies so much (and older DS) but I feel like I never get a break. 24 hours a day I am responsible for them 100% because I have to go behind DH and make sure he's taking care of them.

Yesterday DH was off work for the afternoon because of the rain (he has an outdoor job) and we laid twins and older DS down for a nap so we decided to take one. He woke me up to tell me that Benjamin was crying. Ummm....wth. Why could he have not just gone in there to see what he needed. Noooo, he had to wake up his exhausted, sleeping wife (my first nap in WEEKS) to tell her that the baby was crying.

Please tell me someone else has gone through this. How did you fix things? I love DH very much but I honestly don't know how much more of taking care of him like another child I can handle!

 

i think you'll find a lot of people went through the same thing. DH and i came so close to divorce that i was actually researching housing options in the area. it's a rough time, rougher for some but at least a little rough for all. i learned that there were pieces of DH's personality i was never going to know until i saw him sleep deprived, and boy were we sleep deprived!

it takes a lot of communication. it also takes some willingness to compromise and admit you're wrong even when you know waaaaaaaaay deep down inside that you're really right. it may also be necessary to figure out how to communicate differently. we found our usual way of calmly talking through disagreements didn't work anymore because we were so stressed and tired that everything became a shouting match. so maybe you guys can find a moment (easier said than done, right), to sit down and establish some new ground rules for talking through your issues. maybe establish a safe word, like "banana" that you can say when you're starting to get angry and you need to hit the pause button on the argument.

you're not alone in feeling this way. :grouphug: i'll bet every one of us who went through a similar experience was surprised to find out so many others had been through it, too.

 

First of all, take a step back and recognize that some of your upset-ness is probably post-partum issues, lack of sleep, etc. You are probably getting irritated at things that you would normally let roll off of you because this is probably the most stressful thing you have ever faced, and you are tired, and you just gave birth to two human beings! I say this as a woman who has SO been there (and still is there!). That being said, your DH sounds like he's having a hard time himself. Although our issues are different, what has helped me is the talk to DH about specific problems at times when we ARE getting along. So rather than nago r explode in the situation, I try to wait until things are ok and then say, "I'm really unhappy with how our after-work routine is going. Can we try to figure out a way to make it go more smoothly." You have to do this in a way that DH won't get defensive, which is tricky especially when you aren't getting along anyway. Then be VERY specific with what you would like him to do to help. Rather than just saying, "I need you to help more", say "when you get home from work, could you wash the bottles and throw a load of laundry in the washer?" I'm thinking that you might want to give him non-baby chores to be responsible for since it doesn't sound like he doesn't do so great with diaper changes and feeding. Once he agrees to a chore, try to let him be fully responsible for it without nagging. Don't worry! your marriage will survive!!

 

I agree with the other posters. Those first few months of multiple newborns is one of the most insane things anybody can go through. I felt exactly as you did and I personally couldn't handle it anymore and went back to work. This is a horrible way to put it, but I had to pay someone else to take care of them for a few hours a day just so I could go to work and get a break from it all.

Sleep-deprivation is a horrible thing. Everyone is mad at everyone for everything. While you're in the thick of it, the first few months feel like years but once it's over, you'll see how fast it went by.

Personally, I say you need to take charge. Tell your husband exactly what you expect of him. The next time you're napping and he wakes you to get the baby, literally push him off the bed and tell him that it's his turn.

My husband has been great for the most part but I've had my days where I cried and told him what I thought and what I needed.

And his mother STILL wants to do his laundry. Ugh.

 

It' SO FREAKIN' HARD. You aren't alone. I love my DH and he is involved, but he sees things differently than I do. I've got him 'trained' if you will, :ibiggrin: about the diaper changes- before they eat, go down for a nap (ours are older) when they wake, or when you smell/hear something. It took a while- he just didn't see the point for most of my stuff. For example, my boys collided with eachother yesterday and I wanted to wake them up at 12am to check on them- he feels this is unnecessary. My DH doesn't like to accept that I do know more about baby care than he does. Diaper changes have to be frequent, otherwise mine get diaper rash.

The good news is, 6 weeks is THE hardest we had it. Even now, my lazy baby started crawling today- it's hard, but so much better. They can DO stuff other than scream. It's difficult to talk about your feelings when you have screaming people around you all the time.

I agree with a pp- if he can't be bothered to help the baby finish it's bottle, perhaps he can wash bottles, do laundry, or give your older child a bath/dinner while you feed them. Then after they are fed and changed, how about you take 30 minutes to do something? Life isn't fair but you should be able to eke out a good 15-30 minutes if he is able to do so. I find that we always need something so I volunteer to run to the store to get baby food or whatever. I don't even mind taking a baby sometimes but I make DH pack the child up and put him in my car (strapped in). He's willing to do that so it's not so bad for him and 1 kid is a breeze at this point, no?! :laughing:

It gets much better. Don't worry- I think even the best marriages are not in a good place with 6 week old twins. :grouphug:

 

This is true!!! I found that once the kids starting sleeping through and I was sleeping better then things between me and DH improved. I agree with PP, talk to him about it (in the most calm and rational manner) and tell him how you are feeling and see if there are other things he can do to help (i.e. change diapers, wash bottles, etc).
It does get better :hug:

 

All of the above, but you also need to have sex. (If you haven't already.)

 

LMAO Okay - I have to respond to this one before any of the others because it definitely caught my eye. We have. We broke all the rules and did it around week 2 1/2. Basically as soon as I stopped bleeding. We've been trying to make it a point to pretty regularly, too. But the last week or so it's really gone down hill. Because neither one of us wants to even talk to the other much less have sex. Well, I take that back. I bet if DH could wrangle some duct tape over my mouth to make me shut my trap he probably would still want to. :laughing:

To all the other posters.... thank you. It's nice to hear that there are others out there. To Cheezewhiz, I do that routinely. I'm always volunteering to get out to go buy diapers or formula or groceries and I usually do take one of the twins with me. They sleep and are quiet most times.

 

I agree with pp. It is VERY hard and the hormones and sleep deprivation does nothing but aggravate it and take away any patience you may have had before.

That said, I would like to caution you to get wrapped up in such judgemental thoughts such as him being "Lazy" and "itls MIL's fault." These are not constructive thoughts and will not help anyone. I sure hope my kids and their spouses don't blame me for my adult kid's actions. I truly believe that once an adult, it is our decision to behave a certain way and make our own choices despite our raising.

I think that communication is the key. It sounds like you need a babysitter (or two) and you need to get away and talk to each other with no name calling or judgements. Talk about the needs of the babies and what your expectations are. Talk about what are his expectations and how they differ and that NEITHER are wrong and come to a compromise about all this stuff. It will not just happen. Most people need to have it spelled out or resentment will build up. It's great you are realizing all this now before it's too late. That's half the battle. It is really hard but remember it is not unusual to go through something like this. You can do this!

 

We have tried talking calmly about things many times in the past. It's kind of a joke now that every time we have an argument I can pretty much script out what he will say: "I'm sorry" and "I won't do it again/I'll do it next time" are pretty much his standard answers.

I've tried asking him to wash bottles and he will do it, but then I just have to wind up re-doing it. We don't have a dishwasher so all of our dishes get hand washed. Every time I put dishes away out of the drying rack there is still stuff stuck on almost every single thing. The same with the bottles. There is always a white residue left on every bottle and nipple. He just doesn't take the time to do anything properly. I've let a lot of things go with him on the "right" way to do things and just let him do them his way. However, with dishes I don't like eating off of dirty dishes and I know the babies would love to have clean bottles. He just rushes through everything so that he can hop online or watch TV or go lay down.

I just feel so unheard and blown off and unappreciated. blah.

 

I know everything has been said but I just wanted to send a :grouphug: to you!! I think it's amazing that all those things that you noticed in DH ONCE you got married (ie. didn't see when you were dating) get MAGNIFIED alot when you have kids, let alone baby twins. TALK TALK TALK, but understand that many men have a threshold for talking. What I mean is that men and women process things differently, you probably already notice that what we think is intuitive your hubby doesn't. Keep that in mind and start the conversation by telling your husband that you are really upset and need him to HEAR you. My DH was raised by parents who did everything for him. When we got married, the first 6 months we argued a lot b/c he didn't know or want to do much at all. We communicated and set boundaries, I know that I want to clean the kitchen and bathroom b/c that is my comfort zone but DH learned to do things slowly but surely. It took a while for us to get to where we are but DH is an AMAZING husband and father now and we've even started to train my MIL to see him as an adult (he's 32)... well almost :laughing:

GL to you and I sincerely hope things get better for you b/c we're all on a crazy but amazing journey !!

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. But, I do have to say that at least he helps a little. My DH has not gotten up for a night time feeding even once. And he was off for 2 weeks with me when the girls were born. He also has not changed a single diaper since he went back to work. He gets up for work at 7am, gets home at 4:45pm and goes to bed at 9pm. And he has the gall to say he's tired, ha! If any of their feedings fall while he is home and awake, he'll feed one, but I have to change her diaper and make her bottle, then hand her to him. It is exhausting to be alone with them basically 24/7. I love them so much, but I did develop a bad case of ppd and had to be medicated. I am just now starting to feel better but I think it's because last week they started having an 8 hour stretch at night, so I get more than 2 hours at a time.

So, just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone and I feel you pain. There are times I think about leaving, but I know it'll pass once the girls are a little older and we settle into a routine. Hang in there and maybe ask your doctor for some anti depressants.

 

OMG I don't know if I could do it like that. I would be livid if DH acted like that. I mean I know he's tired after working outside in the heat all day, but ummm.....I've been working all day as well and I haven't had a shower since Saturday!

 

I just wanted to say, I could have (and probably did) written this post in the early days. I was so at the end of my rope, but I wanted to say it does get easier. Eventually you will be able to relax some of your standards (in a few months wet clothes will seem like no big deal :lol: ), and your husband will probably be able to interact with the babies better and he'll naturally get more involved in taking care of them because it's more "fun". It's not right, but it is the way things go for all too many moms. Hang in there, you won't regret powering through all this stuff, and with everyone's suggestions here you'll be feeling better about your situation soon

 

:grouphug: been there done that! It really does get better and is totally normal. I agree w pp who mentioned talking to him when you're not upset (though I know how few those moments are in the first few weeks) It does sound like you need to get someone into help you at some point during the day. Maybe when your older ds naps and it's just the babies.. so you can find time to nap!

 

Just wanted to send :hug: I now understand how marriages go downhill so fast with kids. My DH is a wonderful help and we have still went through a very rough first year. I think it is the "baby" thing. Meaning some men improve as kids get a little older. I am not saying it is okay, but it is such a shock to all of us if we were not sure what to expect, with twin newborns to say the least. I have two friends really struggling, each with 1 year olds and 2 week olds. Two newborns at once puts on added pressure, and between major sleep deprivation, hormone wackiness, feeling like you are doing it all, then hearing he is tired??? Ha ha ha. My husband used to let out these big yawns (he is not a morning person) while I flitted around. On one hand he is more laid back, but I am the opposite way, anxious. Your husbands "laziness" is probably his reactive state to the madness...he is probably questioning a lot about his situation. I am not condoning it, but please know that you will get past this. Don't make any rash decisions while you are in the middle of this early time. You need to find your groove as parents. That being said, maybe write a list of wishes, as minimal as bottle cleaning. It sounds like he will apologize even if it doesn't change his ways, so maybe he wants to be better? Of course, if he is just generally lazy in nature, I guess you have to let it go and accept it or have a serious talk. Assign him tasks - don't ask. Can your mother come help some to give you some rest? Sorry you are managing all this.

 

Add me to the above list, too. I've been there too. I think all of us as some point. My husband helps a lot (and he works a lot!) and it was still very, very difficult and we had our moments of arguments, loud conversations. Tired people have much less patience.
It'll get better. As a matter of fact turning point should be just around the corner. A few more weeks and you'll see changes. :grouphug: