do you make your kids apologize?

i was wondering - do you make your toddlers apologize (hug, kiss, say sorry, etc) after they hurt or do something mean to each other or to another child? why or why not?

 

we do that. They give a kiss when they need to say sorry. I think it teaches them that they gave someone a boo boo (they also kiss with boo boos) and that it hurts somebody and is wrong.

 

Not yet bc we are still getting the hang of time outs but I'm willing to bet the 2nd 1/2 of the 2nd year I will start making them do it. Not sure how long it will take for them to understand why they are doing it but its paving the road

 

I do request it along with a hug after time-outs, but I don't always get it. I don't make them either cause I don't completely think they get the whole point of time-outs either. Kiefer does give a mumbled sorry. He can say it, but not very clear. Then he gives me a hug. He sometimes skips the sorry and hugs me as soon as I get down to his level. I'm OK with that, but I do prefer the sorry first. I'll still request it even if he hugs first. Cameron thinks it's all a game still so I don't make him apologize yet. Once both of them can say it more clearly and take direction, then I'll be asking them to apologize to other people and kids if they do something that warrants it such as pushing or throwing something at someone else.

 

I hadn't started doing this until last month or this month (23 or 24 months). I was at a playdate 2 months ago before we'd started and I was appalled at this other mom who insisted my boy apologize... I just don't think I would insist another child do that. I mean it was like she was trying to teach him since obviously I hadn't! I was quite offended!

with that in mind, we did start the following routine. My son is so cute and will do it even if its my dd that is supposed to be apologizing to him!

anyway, if they bit, hit or such I make the offending party say "nice" and stroke the other kid where they did the offence then I tell them to say "sorry" then give hugs.

good luck figuring it all out. now that most of the pp mention the timing of TO vs apologizing, I'm trying to think what I do... I don't think they'd understand the apology part if it was after the TO...and yet I'm wondering if they'd understand tht TO after the apology... so much to think about!

 

I did not start until they were closer to two with actually saying "I'm sorry" but around 18 months, I started with having them hug each other/other children when they had falling outs, etc.

 

Mine are just now getting the "I'm sorry" down and then we'll work on hugs

 

i hadn't really thought about it before, but i was re-reading 1-2-3 Magic and he says in there that he doesn't think it's a good idea to make children apologize after doing something wrong because it's not of much use unless they actually mean it and also, depending on how the "apology" is delivered, can become another countable offense. but then i wonder, how do you teach your children that a genuine apology is a good thing to do? :unknw: anyway, i thought i'd come & ask the experts here. :good:

 

I do! My guys are not ready for TO (I tried and it was a disaster), so when they do something intentionally like pushing or hitting (not accidentally, like running into one another), I make them stop (and maybe give them a consequence), then apologize. E.g. if they hit me while I'm holding them, I say "no hitting or I'll put you down". If they continue, I put them down (which they hate), then I tell them "say sorry", and if they don't do it, I take their hands and make the sorry sign for them. Then I give them lots of praise/hugs for doing it. I know they don't 100% get it, but they need to know that what they did is wrong, and it makes *me* feel better that I'm doing something more constructive than just saying "no" all the time! :lol:

Seriously, doing something positive like this helps me maintain my calm, which is really important for me.

When we start doing timeouts, I will probably make them say sorry first, then do the TO.

 

Yes, I did and I still do. They probably don't always mean it, but someday they will grow up and have jobs. And at some point something will happen at the job that will require an apology--even if they don't really mean it. They will need to know this vital social skill.

 

Exactly my thoughts. I've said sorry before when I didn't really mean it, but I knew it was necessary for me to say it. I know my kids will encounter that in their lives too. We always have our kids apologize.

 

absolutely, as soon as they can say anything that sounds even in the ball park of sorry. They stay in time out until they try to say it.

We do suggest they also give a hug but do not require that. I don't feel comfortable demanding them to give physical affection (even to a sibling or grandparent etc) if they are not comfortable with it or don't want to.

 

I wish I could... but they are not saying more than a handful of words yet (at 17 months) They get time outs for now.

 

don't worry! my girls are almost 2 & they still can't actually say the word - i just put it on the list because i expect some LOs are able to say it verbally already. my girls just get time outs right now as well but i've been thinking of adding in apologies at some point.

also, the PPs that mentioned sometimes apologies are necessary regardless of whether they're meant or not - good point! i hadn't thought of it that way before.

 

yes. in fact tonight jacob pushed owen down and he fell against the fireplace mantle (thankfully we have cushioning on the stone). jacob did 1 minute of time out and then we told jacob to hug his brother. i'm not sure "sorry" clicks yet but we figure there's no time like the present to start trying.

 

When they are younger we do the 'say sorry' routine where we kinda make them say sorry. As they get older and grasp the concept of what sorry is, after their t/o is over they then get to choose when they leave t/o by choosing when they are ready to say sorry. I've had my 4yr old stay in his t/o spot for an extra 10min because he wasn't ready. But it was his choice, and when he did apologize - it was a genuine one. You could hear it in his voice.

I do agree with that to a point. In addition, sometimes its not the action we are sorry for, but the way we executed it - so for example, the words my 6yr old used were appropriate but the tone wasn't. So he doesn't have to apologize for what he said, just the way he said it. Another thought - they don't just all of a sudden understand what "sorry" is - its a learned concept. I think that if we're not having them say it all along, they have a harder time grasping it when they are ready.

 

We have them kiss each other.

A) because they have a minimal amount of words they can actually say

B) and it really is good amusement for me, and makes me chuckle

 

Not yet, but we don't do t/o's yet, they don't "get" it at 15 months old. But when one hits the other one or something, I take their hands and show them how to be gentle. Rylee will even kiss Liam, but Liam won't kiss Rylee yet when he hurts her. He's such a boy! :lol: