Need Help - Losing my Mind... And my temper

Long story short, I've separated my b/b twins, who are 2yr 9 mo right now... Hubby is often gone and trying to put them both to bed in same room was becoming impossible. Result is Steven goes to bed well on his own listening to audiobooks/stories on the iPod radio. Thomas is my wild one. He seems to be okay with having his own room, but I can't get through one bed time or nap time without a major throwdown. I've tried everything:

- I've snuggled him (makes him more hyper, wants to talk, poke my face, etc)...
- I've read stories in bed with him (it's alway one more, one more, one more and he goes crazy when I put my foot down about no more)
- I've put on books/stories/music on his iPod radio (used to listen patiently, but now completely ignores them)
- I've raised my voice, smacked his butt, etc. etc. (he laughs)
- I've tried quiet time, but he keeps getting up, out of bed, etc.
- Tried a sticker chart with bed time rules - have used for 1 month to no avail.

I'm truly at the end of my rope. This is week two of hubby away on business and he is acting so badly - behavior is getting worse. I know he's only two but I've done everything I can think of to make a nice soothing environment for his sleep... only he pretty much ruins it right off the bat.

Today, I ended up having to chase him around the house three times because he wouldn't stay in bed. I will pick him up and put him back in 20 times and he'll finally stay there. Then he fusses and cries, wanting me to snuggle him, but then can't follow my rules for snuggling (stay quiet and still) even after repeated warnings, so I leave the room.

I was in tears today and I'm so tired of this - I feel like I'm going to go crazy... and still he laughs at me. At this point, I think he enjoys getting me worked up and also wants the attention, whether it's negative or not. I'm so confused and frustrated. He was the absolute best sleeper as a baby and toddler, up until a few months ago. FYI - the separate rooms has only been for 1.5 weeks.

Help?!?

PS - Thought about giving up naps, but too tired at dinner and overtired for bed, plus they still take them at daycare, so I'm not sure that's the issue.

 

:hug: That sounds really stressful!! :hug:

Can you totally child-proof his bedroom and put a baby gate in the doorway (or two, stacked, if he can climb over one) and that would at least end the constant getting out of bed and running around the house? Then, if you knew his room was totally secure and safe, you could put him to bed, do the regular routine, and just leave. He could cry, yell, throw a fit safely in his bedroom, you could ignore it so it doesn't get reinforced, and eventually he would most likely tire himself out and fall asleep - maybe on the floor, maybe right next to the door, or maybe even in his bed.

It sounds like he's the kind of kid that likes attention, and negative attention is still attention. So, if you can find a way to completely ignore the behaviors, maybe they will become extinct?

Does that make sense?

 

This, except no baby gate. Just lock the door. And if he can unlock it (like ours can) then just turn the knob around so it locks on the outside instead of the inside of the room.

Our issue wasn't so much wildwoman mania (g/g twins) but a revovling door affect. First, it would take us NO LESS than 2 hours to get our one daughter to sleep, because she would not let us leave the room. Then, they would both wake up in the middle of the night, at seperate times, and come running into our room...

Thus we had to just start locking their bedroom door. The first night, we had screaming kids. One lasted all of 10 minutes before she conked out by the door (our easy sleeper) the other one screamed for a solid 2 hours before she FINALLY gave out (trust me, I timed it and was awake the whole time) But, the second night she was down to 45 minutes, then 20, then 10, and, finally, she just stopped fussing. We have to continue locking the door though, becuase I've noticed that they still get up in the middle of the night and go to the door, they just turn back around and get back in bed if it's locked. If not, back to our room they go....

Anyways - it's absolute torture the first night or so, but if you've tried everything else, that may be your last resort option. Follow PP advice on the routine, and then just leave, lock the door behind you and try your best to ignore him. He'll get the picture soon enough.

 

We've done the lock on the outside of the door as well. My DS would constantly come out of the room and I was scared he would get into something unsafe or leave the house while I was asleep. He learned at younger than 2 how to get out of his room with every kind of door knob cover and gadget out there. He also would not stay in his room or a time out spot for time outs, so this was easiest for us. I wonder if you sit down with him when he's calm and you explain that there's going to be a new bedtime routine and then list it...1. pj's/teeth/etc 2) reading (and list the # of minutes with a timer or give the # of books) and 3) night night kisses/hugs and then lights out....maybe he'd do ok after a few nights of consistency. But, you gotta be strong and not go back in with the crying and screaming, etc. This is where the lock works b/c he can't come out the whole night. I know it sounds horrible, but we had to do it for our DS's safety and our peace of mind. We don't lock it anymore, but it's still turned that way.

 

We also did the backwards doorknob but it was for my now 10 yr old. I left the monitor in the room so I could still hear him and get to him if there was a problem (but at that time our bedroom was separate from the kids' rooms). Now we still threaten to lock them in if necessary but they are close enough we can hear if they call without a monitor. I think completely childproofing the room and leaving him to fall asleep without the attention will help.

 

It sounds like you don't have a consistent routine due to his wild behavior. But a routine might really help. Decide what you'll do and not do, then talk to him about it all day long so he's prepared. For example, we put on pajamas, then brush teeth, read two books in a comfy chair, get in bed, mom sings one song, one hug and kiss, then mom leaves the room. I almost never deviate and I don't give in for just one more snuggle, or one more book. I realized that it's a very slippery slope. One more book becomes two more, and an extra cuddle leads to needing an extra stuffed animal or fresh water, etc. And somehow bedtime gets pushed back an hour and we're all frustrated.

So... decide what bedtime entails and tell your son. Really set it up for him. Explain exactly what you'll do and not do and what you expect from him. Then stick to it. And be really calm about the whole thing. Don't sound exasperated, or mad, or stressed, and don't beg! Just be matter of fact and remind him what comes next (we've read our book, now it's time for you to get in bed). It's not easy to close the door to a howling child who's pleading for just one more kiss, but if you stay strong for a day or two, he'll hopefully get the picture that you mean it. And ultimately, you'll be happier and so will he because he'll be getting more and better sleep.

 

I'm another who locks the door and leaves. It is hard for the first few days, but now my DS doesn't even get out of bed when I leave, let alone try to open the door. Before I felt comfortable locking the door and leaving, I bought a video monitor so I could see what he was doing. I wasn't able to position it to see the entire room, but I could see enough to make me feel comfortable.

I also know that my DS acts up more before bed when he is overtired. It's like his body and mind are hyped up, and he just can't be still. (He'll hit himself in the head, poke my nose, etc, while I'm trying to cuddle him.) Getting that consistent routine, sticking to it, and also making sure he is getting enough sleep really helps a lot. Another thing that I've noticed is that we cannot have the TV on for at least 1-1.5 hours before bed. It's much too stimulating for him and makes it hard for him to wind down and relax enough to go to sleep.

 

Thanks to all - very helpful. I'm nervous about the locking door thing just in principle, but also because he is potty trained and does often leave his room at night and go to the bathroom by himself, then get back in bed. Many thanks to the post on consistent routine. Though we have a fairly consistent routine, spelling out the details really helped because I realized there is much more I could do in this area. I could also be more consistent when DH is gone on business (often) and the advice on staying neutral is very helpful. I think I know most of that in general, but seeing it in "print" and all together made me realize I can certainly improve this.

This sounds kind of weird too, but I'm also wondering if it has to do with his development/mental process. He gives me a run for my money because he's a very smart kid. He's always going, always thinking, and consistently well ahead of his age in all the milestones. I think that makes it hard for him to calm down sometimes. If someone has some additional guidance for, dare I say, the "gifted" child ... that would likely be helpful.

Thanks again and happy Mother's Day!

 

Totally makes sense - thanks for the support

 

Interesting about the TV... hadn't thought of that. Will try it tonight, that is - keeping it off for an hour or so before bed. Sounds like your little guy is similar to mine in some ways. Thanks!

 

There is no way I would tolerate him coming out 20 times. I would and still do just sit in the room with my boys until they drift off. It is a much more peaceful process and can be done with them in the same room. Might be worth a thought.

Or you could do the Supernanny's stay in bed technique. She stays in their room and sits on the floor no talking, no eye contact and just keeps putting the kids back in bed. Each night it takes less and less time and then you gradually work your way out of the room.

 

I just wanted to say I feel your pain. We going through this with both of them, although mine are much younger, and we have no choice but to leave them in the same room.

I also appreciate the advice. I've definitely felt guilty about locking them in the room, and I also have to go back in a break up fights that have turned bloody. It's kind of nice to know that I'm not the only one locking the door.