Dad not waking up at night!

My girls had thier days and nights mixed up really bad, but they have gotten a little better but then the past two nights they both were up one night from 2am til 6am and then last night one of them was awake from 1am til 630am just being fussy wanting to be held and sometimes that not even soothing them. My dh wakes up when I wake him up to feed one but he does not wake up when they need attention. I cant keep going like this, his response to me last night when I finally yelled at him in the middle of the night to help me was "why dont you just take a nap during the day." (which sometimes I do, but not always work out) I know he has to work all day but I feel like I work all day and all night. I say this to him and he is like, "how do you want me to be able to wake up all of a sudden I cant change my body to be able to do that. He does not hear them and when I get frustrated and then ask him to hold a baby to calm her down he ends up falling asleep with her in his arms.
I am VERY big with NO babies in the bed and DEF. not falling asleep with them.
Anyone have any suggestions or what I can do or say to him to get him to understand he needs to help me too?? If we could switch off who was on duty when on times when they are just awake or fussy (not feeding times) I think it would be so much easier. But I dont trust him to wake up when they cry, or to hold them when I give them to him bc he falls asleep! PLease help I AM getting so mad at him and thats the last thing we need after all this stresss!!
oh BTW my girls turned one month this past sunday.

 

:hug: The sound of the babies crying didn't wake up my husband either. He had to go sleep on the floor in their room on his nights to wake up. I didn't ask him to wake up on nights when he had to go to work the next day. I didn't have any other kids at home and I just couldn't ask him to be exhausted at his job all day. My DH works shifts though, so he never works more than 3 days in a row, so I never had to get up for more than 2 nights in a row. I don't know how I would have handled it if I had to wake up on my own Sunday - Thursday.

If he doesn't want to wake up on nights when he has to work the next day, then maybe you could ask him to wake up on Friday and Saturday night so you can sleep through. Have you tried that?

 

I would put a baby monitor on loud right next to his ear.

 

It's probably not enough, but I didn't wake my DH up while I was home and he was working. He stayed up really late (like until 3am) on Friday and Sat night since he didn't have to work the next day, and those were the days I knew I'd get some sleep. He never woke up to the babies' crying and they were in bassinets right next to our bed for 7 months.

Besides that, I'd have a friend come in the mornings twice a week so I'd sleep from like 6am - noon or something and she'd get some of my laundry and stuff done.

That might not be an option for you - maybe your husband would take the early shift, like until midnight or even 1 or 2 am? He could watch TV or be on the computer or whatever, and you could try to sleep from like 8pm until then, so you could at least get some sleep in the evening. That way he's not having to wake up, he's just staying up later.

Good luck!! It will get better - those first few months are just about survival!!

 

I feel your pain. Our babies are still in NICU, but I already know how it's going to go down when they come home. With older DS, DH would NEVER get up unless I hauled off and kicked him (I usually picked a nice tender spot like his kidneys when I was super pissed about it). :laughing:

When we thought we were only having one baby this time we agreed that unless I just really needed help, I'd let him sleep during the week. He does have a very physically demanding job that requires him to be on his toes and firing on all cylinders. He works outside in the hot sun and needs all the energy he can get. However - when we found out it was twins that all went out the window. He's swearing right now that he will get up on his own without any kidney shots this time around, but I'm hesitant to believe it until I see it.

All of that to say, I have absolutely no advice to offer. Just lots of :hug: 's and know that there is someone out there that has the same frustrations.

 

:laughing: But if she's in the bed with him than it still is going to wake her up. If you have an aero bed I say blow it up and put it on the floor in the nursery for your husband. If you don't have an aero bed a sleeping bag will work.

 

ardon: Beggars cant be choosers. :lol: At least he could get up and she could stay in bed and know that the babies are being taken care of and not worrying.

 

Okay - this whole "I have to go to work thing" doesn't cut it in my book! :ibiggrin: I'm working and my DH is a SAHD right now... and I STILL get up!

Anyway... this is just my opinion because my DH did the same thing. I didn't want the babies in the bed or sleeping with us anywhere. But, I couldn't stop my DH. He fell asleep with them in the bed. Then, I told him to feed them in the Living room - and he started falling asleep in the recliner chair. It frustrated me - but I had to let it go or else I was going to go out of my mind. Not only was I sleep deprived, but I has getting so angry. So, I then broke down and started doing the same thing. I knew that once they were old enough to sleep train - I was going to cut the cord and demand that things change.

Here we are... we started to sleep train them and they no longer sleep with us. Looking back - I can say I had to "pick my battles". This is just my experience - maybe it will help you. I had to let it go and know that by 5 or 6 months old, that things would change. So I wasn't angry every night even though we didn't handle thing exactly the way I would have wanted. But, it all worked out and there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Good luck!

 

ditto

In my opinion, Moms and Dad both "work" during the day and I don't feel one should automatically get out of baby duty because they may have to leave the house for work. My DH also does not hear babies crying at night, but I would wake him. Often times, if I made him heat up a bottle or something that helped him wake up a bit before settling in to do the feeding. I did find him at times asleep in the recliner with a baby in his arms and it really made me mad. Can you guys try alternating times getting up? or even nights getting up? Do you have the extra $ to hire someone to come in for some nights or part of a night?

 

When we found out it was twins we knew that both of us would have to be 100% involved. I understand that going to work on no sleep in not possible... however being "on" 24/7 is not an option either. It isn't healthy. My DH stays with our kids from 7:30- 12:30 (1:30am) during the week, if he has a later start time he stays up later. On weekends he's up with them until ~ 2 am and then he gets up early to relieve me or whoever may be helping us. My DH is tired no doubt but he understands that we made these babies together and they are our joint responsibility. I think going to work is a bit of a break from the stress of caring for the babes! I'm just lucky that my DH got that message without me having to tell him.

I think you should talk to your husband and tell him how you are feeling. If you internalize your feelings, you'll only resent him.

GL!

 

As a SAHM I do feel it is my job to do most of the night work as I can and must nap during the day when there are sleeping issues.

I do think that our choices (such as not having them sleep in our bed and not taking naps when possible) have consequences to those choices. I have also gone through a time period where dh was the sahd and I did not get up or do other such things. That was my choice as well.
There also comes a point in time when no matter how many naps you take or do other things (like co-sleeping) you are still exhausted and need help and it is dh's responsibility to step in and help out. During these times, my dh and I arranged specific times we were "on duty" and dh was responsible for waking during those times. He's an adult and he needs to figure out what it takes to wake up. I don't think it's appropriate for me to have to do it for him. I also found that putting the monitor near his head did nothing but wake me and then make me have to climb over him to turn it down then I got up anyway since I was then awake.

Twins are hard and finding what works for you and dh is all about communication and trusting each other to be responsible for their own part. I learned quickly that if I didn't trust him to do things, I ended up doing them. If I did them, why should he get up? It's already taken care of. It's really self defeating. The hardest part for me was letting go of controlling how things were done. If I tell dh he is "on duty" during a certain time I also need to trust and respect his choices and if he chooses to co-sleep (or other thing I wouldn't do) that's okay, that's his time to make parenting decisions.

Good luck. This is a really hard time.

 

:rotflmbo: :rotflmbo: :rotflmbo: Sure, in your spare time. :rotflmbo: :rotflmbo: :rotflmbo:

Anyway, I have kicked, poked, pushed, prodded, yanked covers, whatever it takes to get him up. It definitely takes him longer to get going--but that's OK. He's got it easy all day--he sits at a desk and uses the computer, goes to meetings, makes phone calls, and goes out to get a yummy lunch. He also gets to sleep on the bus ride both ways and when he travels, he gets a nice relaxing nap on the plane and uninterrupted sleep in the hotel room. So I have no problem with him getting up at night too. If he were a surgeon, pilot, heavy laborer, etc. I would do everything I could to make sure he got good sleep before he went to work, but he's not.

The only way I was able to get DH to understand just how much work it is was to have him take over on the weekends with feeding, changing, playing etc. "All" I did was laundry and prepare bottles and clean the house, but he was 100% percent responsible for watching the kids. After just one day of this, he GOT it.

Now, DH had the problem too of falling asleep with babies in the bed, which neither of us felt was safe. You can imagine how happy I was one night to wake up, open my eyes and find myself staring face to face with DS. DS was happy as a clam, but I was not. So, after that, DH would not feed them in bed. He would feed them standing up--but you could also you a lawn chair in your/the kids' room. Now that we are less sleep deprived, DH does feed them in bed, but only while sitting up and with the lights and tv on (this doesn't bother me). But the point being, when you are supertired, don't sit down in a place where you could fall asleep.

 

ITA! We did have a baby sleep with us every once in a while- so I eventually got us sleeping with the baby in the middle, no pillows, blankets tucked in at the waist... and still hated every minute of it. But I have THE sharpest elbows in the world, so a well placed elbow to the ribs was usually all it took to get him up. We also did the I slept from 6:30/7 till 1am, he slept from 1 to 5- but if both were being a PITA, all bets were off.

 

HUGS! You just have to find something that will work out for YOUR family. Maybe your DH can take the 8-1 shift, while you go into a bdrm with white noise, fans going, etc, and get some straight uninterupted sleep? Maybe you will decide co-sleeping IS okay for your family. Let me tell you, I was against it to begin with, but from months 3 to 9, it was our sanity saver! My DH and I would put the boys in their cribs to start with, and after they woke, we'd move into separate beds with 1 baby each. We each took one baby. I BF, and when one would wake hungry, we'd do a chinese fire drill and switch beds. Prior to 3 mos, since they were in our room in a pack and play, my DH was very attune to them waking and would help with diapers, swaddling, etc. Anyway, they are now sleeping in their cribs at night after some gentle CIO which we did once they were much older and able to self-sooth.

My DH works full time, and he still carried his share of parenting. It's a decision that each family has to make, how involved DH's are going to be.

 

My DH used to work steady third shift (11:00pm to 7:00 am) and I would do all the nights myself the nights he worked (one week 4 nights, the next week 5) but on the nights he was off, he took care of nights and he would set his alarm to check on the kids every 3 hours. I would get up too but go right back to sleep. If they happened to cry before then and I heard them, I just woke him up. That is what worked for him because my DH can sleep through anything. I didn't mind his alarm getting me up because I was just so happy to have a night free during those early days.
I agree with Allison...keep the lines of communication open. My DH definitely has his own style of doing things with the kids. Some of the habits he had with them, he was the one who had to break them of that habit (i.e. rocking DD to sleep vs. letting her self soothe).

 

Neat! He leaves the house to go to work.. So?

My DH did to and he woke up MORE than I did cuz my job was harder and we both knew it!

Anyway, splash a bucket of ice water on his head if he's having trouble coming to. Strip him naked, whatever it takes.

I don't believe in the whole.. "he needs sleep for his job" deal. I think that's a load. I don't care what my DH had to do the next day, and I mean that. If he wants kids- he takes 50%.- no less. Ever.

FWIW: we slept in separate rooms and took shifts. I went to bed super early and got 8 hrs straight and set my alarm for the butt crack. Then he got a good solid stretch. It had MANY benefits. One, he learned right away from day one how to do it ALL BY HIMSELF cuz he was ALONE with no one to rely on. This is key cuz we all know when they have a choice- they'll ask you 2. We got solid sleep and i always felt it was senseless to BOTH lose sleep when one is fully capable.

Worked great for us but ultimately, you do need to do what works for you. Again, HUGE believer in not letting it all fall on Mom. It takes two to tango w/ twins! That is for sure Take turns, take shifts, do whatever but the "I have to work" isn't an excuse and if it is- then you should use it! Good luck!!

 

Add me to the camp of not caring if dh had to go to work. I do too-and I work longer, and harder hours-ALONE. Luckily-dh agreed. Well-maybe not that I worked harder, and longer, but that we BOTH needed our sleep. And I think that is the most important part. DH would work from 9-5. He works as an accountant, with his father. So what we did in those first few months-and it's NOT forever-is we slept in shifts. He was usually up late, so he took the first shift, while I slept. Ideally, I slept from 8-2, and he slept from 2-8 and then woke to get ready for work. So my "job" was from 2am-8pm.

And it worked for us. I think you need to come to a happy medium. If you are b/fing and he can't help with the feeds, then he can get up and do diaper changes. Something. Anything. Feeding in the beginning for me, was at least an hour long. And it only lasted for a few weeks, and then they started sleeping in longer shifts, and my six months, they were sleeping through the night.

With Annabella, she is now almost 11 months old and still wakes at night. I have been the only one waking with her, while dh woke with the boys at 7am. I was exhausted, burnt out. So we finally agreed last week, that we will rotate who gets up with them. He wakes with the baby, I wake with the boys. The next night, he wakes with the boys, I wake with the baby. It works. We are both getting our sleep.

And then-once the boys were STTN, he slept "in" until 8 on say MWF one week, and then I did the following week. And then weekends we rotated as well. It's what worked for us. I think you both need to be on the same page. It's not an easy job, and it's difficulty is multiplied ten fold with lack of sleep!

 

We are right in the middle of it right now. The twins are about 9 weeks old. I knew from our previous three children that DH cannot be woken at night. EVER. I have placed various children on him absolutely screaming and he just snores through. I am a very light sleeper so in our household I do all the nights. But my DH doesn't take advantage of this. He gets very stressed that I'm getting too tired. He takes over everything once he gets home from work and is pretty much on his own on the weekend with them. How I choose to use that time is up to me. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I do jobs that need to do and sometimes I sit and watch. It took me two children to realise that I'm on my own at night and I no longer resent it as I see how hard he tries to 'make up' for it. We are very different in the sleep department so we work to our advantages. I hope you can find a system that works best for you. Good Luck. It's a hard one to negotiate when you're tired and emotional!

 

I can sympathize. My husband slept through fire drills in college, so he never wakes up with the twins. He also requires 9 hours of sleep a night, and is in the family biz, so he doesn't have to be at work at a certain time, and he gets his sleep. I've just given up on being angry and accepted that being the mother is a litle unfair. I work 12-14 hour days, 5+ days a week (went back to work when the twins were 4 weeks), come home, wash bottles and pump parts, wake up 3-4 times a night for feedings, and am a zombie at work after my 4-6 hours of intermittent sleep. Ah well... only for a year, right? It's worth it. Glad to know I'm not alone. The worst part is that my colleagues at work are single males. It's pretty tough to keep everything together mentally and stay on a comparable level as them. Usually I work while I pump, but today I decided to get on here and vent Good luck.

 

I didn't read everyone's responses, but my dh rarely (if ever) wakes up when the kids wake up crying. I do believe a mom is hardwired to sleep lighter and to hear their kids better. I have no idea why, but I do know my dh sleeps much deeper than i do. And my dh has no problem getting up with them, but he honestly just doesn't hear them. If I want him to get up I have to wake him up, which by then I'm already awake so I might as well get up.

When my dh had to work the next morning at 6am, I rarely if ever asked him to get up and help me, unless there was a problem (like a blow out or something). If he didn't work until noon, he was expected to get up and give me a hand. This was just something i did for him, he had no problems getting up when I needed help, as long as i woke him up

We also did partial co-sleeping, when the babies got around 6 weeks old they would have those fussy middle of the night periods, and I was so sleep deprived I just "needed" sleep that we would just take them to bed with us. Do you have them near you in the room? With my singleton's I had them in a bassinet near my head so I could reach over and try to sooth them before I got out of bed, you could do the same with a pack n play for twins if you want.

Do you have white noise going? Lullabies? Both of those have helped all my kids sleep.

:hug: At 1 month old you are right in the thick of it and it's exhausting and frustrating! :hug:

 

I didn't read through very many responses, so I'll apologize if I repeat anything. First off, my boys were 29 weekers and spent the 1st 2 months in the NICU. My husband didn't take his 10 days baby leave until they came home. So those first 10 days we both took turns getting up whenever they needed us. ie; feedings, diapers, cuddling, etc. My husband woke up easier to them than I did. It wasn't that I didn't want to help them, I WAS a heavy sleeper. After that, he went back to work. I did not wake him up during the night to help me. I got up, sucked it up and did whatever the babies needed then I went right back to sleep. My husband is in the military so he can't just miss work whenever he wants and very much needs his sleep. I am now a SAHM. In the evenings, he always helped out with any and everything they needed. On the weekends, he got up during the nights and allowed me to sleep. Then when day time came around, we did it all together. I am no longer a heavy sleeper and have learned to wake up to their tiniest sound.

But the moral of my story is, I don't expect my husband to get up when he has work in the morning. My jobs is the boys. During the early days, I had to learn to go back to sleep as soon as they were taken care of and get my sleep in broken bits. I napped whenever they napped. I let everything else go and didn't worry about that.

Now that they're older, they sleep from 9pm-10am so neither of us have to get up during the night, but if they happen to wake up, I am the one that gets up, not him.

I know not everyone will agree, but that's just how we work.

 

I was never able to nap during the day either. My DH didn't get up with the babies while I was on maternity leave, but it sounds like your babies are needing a lot more attention in the middle of the night then mine did. Also, my DH had a really hard time emotionally when the babies first came and I felt that he just couldn't handle sleep deprivation on top of everything else. I needed him to be positive and supportive during the day and I was worried that he was at the end of his rope already (he's gotten better, thank goodness!).

Could you have a talk with him and explain that you need help. If it's just not realistic for him to get up in the middle of the night, then he needs to help you find someone to watch the babies during the day so you can sleep (or get a night nanny).

 

I haven't read the other responses but one thing that we started when our oldest was 10 months (because he still was not sleeping through the night and awoke FREQUENTLY) really helped. One of us got to sleep in on Saturdays and the other on Sundays. DH worked all week and I didn't feel like I should wake him, but as long as I knew I would get at least one day a week to sleep as long as I wanted (sometimes till 1 or 2 in the afternoon), it really helped. However, I don't know how that would have worked with TWO babies. That system has long been out the window now that we've added 3 more children, and now I work weekend nights so he has to get up anyway.

DH never woke up either if he knew that it was an option. When he was assigned his nights, he somehow knew and he did wake up. But boy, did it frustrate me to no end! I remember much fighting in the beginning.

 

What we did in the early weeks was take shifts. I went to bed as early as possible, about 8-8.30pm and slept until my husband came to bed as late as he could stay up, about 1 or 2am. Then I knew that once he was in bed, if I heard the babies crying, it was my turn to get up. It worked really well for us. When we got past the point of exhaustion, we were lucky enough that both of our mothers were willing to sleep over now and then to do a night shift for us and we would both get to sleep through.

What I've noticed is a common theme through these replies is that the husbands can sleep through babies screaming right next to them. I believe it is just one of the many differences between men and women, particularly mothers. Mums are just wired to immediatley respond to our babies crying, even if we are in a deep sleep. I'm not saying men shouldn't help out, but I think it is just a biological thing. I also just remind myself how lucky I am that I have a husband who is so willing to help with the babies when he is awake. It wasn't so long ago that men would not go NEAR any of that baby stuff and you would have been told to stop whinging and do your job (not that I'm telling you to do that!).

All I'm trying to say is that I think we need to ease up on the men sometimes, they are just wired differently, and I'm sure the majority of them are doing their best to support their families in their own way.