Needing veteran mommies' opinions

Dear Twin Friends;

My husband and I are 22 weeks pregnant with di/di twins, genders unknown. First I must thank our veteran mommies - as I read your posts I have learned more about twins here than I think anywhere else! It has helped me prepare, make a list, establish a plan for visitation, and most of all, is a source of support - which is why I turn to you all now.

I am a full-time teacher of high school - it is a good, but very stressful job, and I am the breadwinner inour family, so deciding to be home with my babies,unfortunately, is not an option. My husband and I will work full-time, and are looking for a caregiver to come into our home. My family is huge, and all love babies, but will likely not be of much help to us after they are born, as they ALL live 3 1/2 hours away. My hubby's family is very small, and only his retired parents live near us. They have not yet offered their help in any way. I've read about 6 books on twin parenting, and every one says something to the effectof: "your success as a parent of multiples willbe greatly determined by the amount of family support you have." Here in lies the concern: We asked my in-laws to take our babies one day a month. We thought this might allow them "grandparent bonding" as well as give our caregiver a day off. Of course, they would pick the day, and we would drop the babies off with them. I was stunned, hurt and disappointed (actually in disbelief) when they said they would need to "think about it" - and sounded none too excited. I honestly can't believe it. They have parented 3 babies themselves, and would have one another to rely on. His mother said, "I don't know if I'd be able to handle two babies." She is a young 60ish, and they are retired with no hobbies. Of course, we thought they would be tickled. I'm trying not to be angry, but the truth is, I AM - and it fuels my anxiety about how we are going to do this alone. The expense is horrendous alone, not to mention being sleep and time-starved down the road. How are we going to do this without help?

I do have wonderful friends and a few good neighbors...that I will look to...BUT IS THAT REALLY ENOUGH? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DON'T YET KNOW...

Thanks ahead for your thoughts,
wendy

 

I am a teacher as well and both my husband and I worked full time. It was my first year of teaching when I had the girls and because of my internship I had to work 140 days, which meant no more than 6 weeks off and a few days for sickness if needed, or I would have had to repeat my internship. Talk about stress! I was lucky that I actually made it. However, I think you will be surprised by how quickly you adjust to having twins. You just get into a routine and although it is very hectic, you learn shortcuts and ways to manage quickly...because its survival and instincts just kick in. You can do this, even if it is on your own. It won't be the easiest thing, but you can do it. When I went back to work, my husband was working second, and I was teaching during the day, so we were able to establish a trade-off in waking up with the babies. Yes, I was up from 3 or 4 in the morning, then off to work, then home by myself with the kids until he got home at midnight. He would take the night shift going to bed at 2 or 3, then up with them by 7 to watch them until my mom came over at lunch while he took off to work. But somehow we made it through. It is a bit of a blur, but we made it work.

My MIL and mom was very hesitant about keeping our girls for us. They, too, had to think about it. It was hard for me to understand, but they had never taken care of two infants at the same time, so for them it was just intimidating and something they just couldn't imagine. However, once they saw the routine we established for the girls, and the routine for getting things together, and the more they came over and visited, they saw that it wasn't as bad as they thought. It wasn't until a few weeks before I was to return to work that my mom and MIL decided to help us out. From our other family members that couldn't help out much, they usually brought us a pack of diapers and wipes everytime they visited. So they did help out financially in many ways that we never thought possible.

Good luck! I know this is a hard time right now I just want to say that yes, it is nice to have family members help out. But your success at raising these twins is not based upon how much your family helps out. IMO, it is the loving, caring home that you provide that determines your children's success. You can do this, it may not seem so right now, but you can!

 

I can't respond to the working bit as I left a job to gestate and lactate. However, we have no family close at all. 1 family who we are friends with is it and they have a daughter with special needs. They've watched the babies exactly twice. The first time we put them to bed and had the 16 year old come over with strong instructions of don't go in their bedroom unless there is a fire and you have to get them out. Her mom didn't feel like she could handle it and stayed to help. It's not just your ILs- MANY people feel weirded out about watching twins. When my parents came out, they offered to give us a break. We left them with 2 fed, changed & happy 2 month olds. We came back 1 hour later to 2 babies screaming their heads off. We didn't leave them with them again- they really, really, really couldn't handle it.

I will say now that they are 7 1/2 months, my favorite person is my friend's 9 year old. She has boundless energy for them- will sing to
them & entertain them endlessly. It's great! (obviously she's not alone with them, but in the same room).

You can do it without lots of help- I promise your organizational skills will improve.

 

First can I add the book "Healthy sleep habits happy child" & "Happiest baby on the block" The first one will help you get them to sleep and the second book will let you understand why they peak at 6 weeks past their "due date" and are the most fussy then.

My parents live half a world away. We moved to a new country and I didn't really get to meet too many people. My one daughter was on steroids and needed to avoid people (which is hard with twins as you will soon find out). My SIL came to "help" yet she wasn't "helpful" it just took up time alone with my babies. My mother came and helped for a month but so did my dad -- who was like a 3rd child I had to feed, clean-up after and then watch that he didn't fall asleep HOLDING MY BABIES !! Really the best and only help is YOU. Reading helped me alot to prepare and so did this website. Organizing your house now is good. Really most of the baby equipment you can just get it on loan from other people. A couple of good cloth diapers might be nice for the beginning when they hardly use a diaper but poop continuously !! (sorry off topic)

Expose your kids to every friend and relative you know and let them "bond" with them, so later on you will have a baby sitter even if it is for one child and for a few hours. WE are the parents of these children and when they are born BOTH you and your dh will step up. My dh like many other twin fathers know just as much as I do, and I can leave the house without telling him anything and he knows how to take care of them. This will make you stronger and we are always here for a shoulder to cry-on, or to share a glass of wine with.

heather

 

It is scary to ponder parenting twins! I know my DH and I were TERRIFIED. The twins are our first and only children and we constantly thought, we have no idea how to parent one child, let alone two!
My first thought that is that your IL's might be worried about taking care of two babies at one time. Maybe what might help them out is to spend the day with all of you as a family so they can see how the care of the babies goes and it might not seem so daunting to them. Having multiples is an adjustment for everyone in the family. I also agree with Rachel, your success in parenting the twins will mainly depend on the home you and your DH provide and not how much family is able to help out (though it is nice to have some extra help). My best advice to you is anyone (friend or family) who offers to help, take them up on that offer.
You and your DH are going to do great, Momma! :hug:

 

Ohhhh that is so hurtful!!! My inlaws were kinda the same way at first. Twins sound SOOO overwhelming to some people. I truly think once you get them home and they see that they CAN do it, they will be begging for more time. Its so hard to imagine taking care of two little ones. I hope thats all it is. Its hard when you want your family to rely on and they aren't there as you would have hoped!

 

I don't have much advice to offer, but I did want to give you one of these :hug:

I planned on working through my pregnancy but wound up leaving my job in December because of missing too much work due to pregnancy related stuff. DH and I decided though that I'd be staying home after they are born because child care for the twins plus our DS (who is 3) would just be too expensive. It literally wouldn't be worth it to work once we paid daycare expenses.

However I do have to say, I'm sorry they have to "think about it". My mom has no fears about helping us out because my older sister has twins as well and she's kind of been there, done that. However, DH's mother is so freaked out. She has made numerous offers to take our older DS to make it easier on me to handle the twins some days but she said she just isn't sure she can handle the babies. I think it may be easier for you to understand where they are coming from if you knew why they had to "think about it".

Sorry, I wish I had something more profound to say! Good luck!

 

We have no family near us. My inlaws were never helpful (still aren't) they live at a distance, but came to visit. When they visited I had to keep the babies home from daycare AND take the days off. My folks live a couple hours away and they came on the weekends to help. Mostly they helped with laundry and meals for us. That was a huge help! Everyone felt overwhelmed by taking care of both babies at once. I agree with PP that once family sees how you do it, they might feel more comfortable helping out.

I went back to work when they were 12w old. DH never had any time off (except when we delivered). We put them in daycare bc we could NOT afford FT inhome care. We were VERY VERY TIRED. I can't even express how tired we were taking care of two infants and working FT with no help. This is probably the one thing I was not prepared for. The cost, I could prepare for, but the exhaustion was unfathomable. I recommend starting to think about some sort of schedule that will work for you and DH. We took shifts for sleeping/feeding through the night and it worked for us most of the time. They also slept in the room with us so that we didn't have to get up to tend to them. That helped us to keep sleep as undisturbed as possible.

You will be able to do it! It just happens and you do and you get good at it. Congrats and good luck!

 

:hug: I am sorry you were hurt by your IL's. My IL's are kind of the same way. I honestly do not think they would have taken the babies when they were that young without me or DH being here. My MIL did eventually start watching them alone for 2 hours when they were 8 months old so I could volunteer in my oldest DD's class, but I know she was reluctant to do that. Twins are very overwhelming. :hug: Hopefully your IL's will come around.

I don't have any advice about going back to work. Even though I have a large family I can't say I had a ton of help. I know I was very disappointed that none of my sister really ever offered to come over and help me out. My Mom would come over for a little each day at the beginning. It's nice that you have some friends and neighbors that you can rely on.


You can do this, I know it seems overwhelming now, but you will figure it all out. :good:

 

Our family loves and adores our children, but they are not a ton of help, the first few weeks we had a lot of visitors and support.
From the time the boys were about 6 weeks old we have had little family help. we have weekend visitors about once a month, and that is about it. most of the time the visits are very short, or the family is over to help us with a specific project. the babies grand parents live about 2.5 hours away from us, so it is reasonable that they are not around much. my brothers and sisters ave families of their own, and very busy lives with work, grad school, etc.

It is very do-able! we have two happy well adjusted boys, and two happy parents. if your partner is supportive and you keep the lines of communication open you will be able to thrive as parents of twins!

 

I was scared out of my mind that being a mom of twins was going to be IMPOSSIBLE. To be honest, it's easier than what I thought. I guess when I was pregnant, I just imagined the sleeplessness, the crying, the pooping and none of the fun. While all of that stuff is hard, the giggles, babbling, and watching them learn makes all the unpleasant things seem unimportant.

As for your ILs... Mine are rather the opposite. The first 4 months, my girls cried when not with me and my MIL insisted on watching them. I let her for 3 hours and went and had a margarita right by her house while it happened. I imagine your inlaws will come around. Twins sounds a lot scarier than it is especially when you have only had one baby before. It sounds like it's doubly hard. I don't blame you for getting your feelings hurt. I think everyone should feel honored to spend time with my babies and I'm sure you feel the same. They will come around

Good luck

 

Hi Wendy. i am glad you are finding TS as wonderful as I think it is.

I Live in Oregon and my family lives in Ma. except for my sister who lives about 30 min away and I see on special occasions only. My in-laws live in Co.

Yes, things would be easier with family around or helpful family at least but as far as I am concerned some friends are better than some family and more like family to me than many of my family members. I guess it depends on your definition of family. It is very hard but you can do it!

As far as your in-laws, try your hardest to not be disappointed. The prospect of twins is very scary and overwhelming for some. Instead of trying to plan so much I would play it by ear a bit more. Don't put so much pressure on them to make a decision now about things. Let them meet the babies and see their temperament and what it's like to care for twins at their age.

One thing I have learned through having babies is that not everyone is a "baby" person. Just because they are capable of caring for them or even had babies themselves doesn't mean they particularly like babies. A good friend of mine wanted children but didn't like babies. Unfortunately when you have a child it comes as a baby first. She endured her children's infancy but it was never something she enjoyed. She loves her children dearly and enjoys them now that they are older but some people just don't like caring for infants/babies. Maybe your in-laws are like this?

I think it is hard to not feel as though others should want to care for my kids and feel honored to be with them. Well, why should they? They are not their children. It's wonderful when a grandparent bonds with our children and chooses to spend time with them. I hope that happens for your children and their grandparents. It's wonderful when it happens naturally, not out of a sense of obligation.

Having babies is a joyous occasion, try not to let the joy be dampened by other people's choices. It sounds like you are well prepared and will be a fantastic mother and role model for your kids. They are lucky to have you.

 

Great post Rachel, wish I could give you more than +1. Wendy you are clearly a very intelligent, smart, well organized woman. You can do this.

I also wanted to say that it is not anyone elses responsibility to help out financially. If they do, great but I would never expect it of anyone, especially family. Yes, twins are expensive but there are ways to handle it and get through. For our baby shower we asked for diapers of all sizes and had a meal calendar that people signed up for to bring us meals. I don't think I bought diapers for a year and we had 1-3 meals a week brought to us for the first 3 months. That was a tremendous help allowing us to focus on our children and developing our new family routine.

 

The girls are our 1st babies. My husband was really EXCITED to find out we were having twins so was I but I immediately started worrying about my pregnancy, finances, stress, sleep and and everything else that comes with expecting twins. Let me tell you my type A personality immediately took over. I served 12 years in the Army LOL so I immediately went into Drill Sergeant mode. My job was our main source of income not to mention the benefits. I started preparing for bed rest also. Cleaning my house, decluttering and ORGANIZING months in advance. My husbands family lives in California we are in Texas My family lives about an hour an a half away but the only one who helped us was my mom. Starting at about 4 months I would buy something for the girls every pay period. I did end up on bedrest!! at 27 weeks but Thank God I was as prepared as I could be.

Our girls were in the hospital for 64 days after being born at 31 weeks and 6 days. I was shocked when we came home my mother did NOT want to help with them she thought they were too small she left 2 days after we came home from the hospital. My husband and I had NO help from friends and family. The 1st few months WERE HARD but you can do. We slept in shifts. I pumped enough for 2 bottles at night and my husband would keep them in a cooler with an electric kettle to warm up water. He also went back to work 1 week after coming home. I was left alone with 2 preemies for 24 hours at a time. yes their will be tears them and you lol but you can do it. Sorry if I'm rambling ......I also took the year off to be with the girls we have become minimalist in the past year. Good luck

 

Wendy - you can do this. Many, many, many of us have no family nearby and even though the first few months were tiring and stressful, it works. You get into a routine and learn to thrive with less sleep but more baby smiles. My husband's family is very far away, so we've received no assistance from any of them. My family lives on the other side of the country. My mom came out to help for three weeks when my girls were two months old. It was great to have her here, but if she hadn't been able, we would have made it work. Other than the three weeks with my mom, we've had no help from anyone except our fabulous nanny (and DH and I both work full time).

You didn't ask for specific advice on caregivers, but just in case... from my experience, you're doing the absolute right thing trying to find someone to come into your home when your babies are little. Putting them in daycare adds an additional stress of you having to get babies up and out of the house on your way to work. Plus you'd miss a lot of days when your babies are sick and not able to go to daycare. You don't have these problems with a nanny!

Hopefully you can take *some* time off when your babies are born, ideally a couple of months. Have your caregiver overlap with you a bit (maybe a week) before you go back to work so you can show the routine and get comfortable with whomever you hire. You don't necessarily need someone to live in your house, because you'll be able to care for your babies when you're home. So plan to have a nanny arrive 30 minutes before you leave for work so you have a few minutes to comb your hair and eat breakfast. Then have the nanny leave a few minutes after you normally get home (or have her stay longer if you need time to rest). I found a wonderful nanny on Craigslist, other people go through nanny services or hire an au pair from another country who would live in your house -- but who can still only work 45 hours a week.

If you need specific advice on how to make a nanny situation work, feel free to PM me.

 

Hi Wendy, I just wanted to say you are NOT alone!! I am expecting mono/mono girls at the end of may. I've been in the hospital for 4 weeks now (currently 30 weeks) and have another 4 to go if the babies continue to look good. I have a 21/2 year old at home and my husband works fulltime so my dd has been going to daycare. My parents are deceased and I have no one else from my family close. MY husband has 4 sisters all who live in state, one who lives 20 minutes away and they HAVE NOT even visited me 1x in teh past 4 weeks or called to ask my husband if he has needed any help with taking care of my daughter. The sister that lives 20 minutes away is also my daughters godmother. My husband has always gone above and beyond for his sisters and his mom and frankly I'm livid with them all right now. In any case, I am lucky enough that i will be able to stay home with the babies when they arrive. I am petrified though of taking care of 2 little teeny ones and a 21/2 year old and its obvious i will be getting NO help from the family. I am going to try to see if i can find someone to at least watch them for a little while I'm home so that maybe I can sleep in the beginning a little or run out to foodshop. In any case I just wanted to tell you I understand about the family issues because I'm dealing with it myself right now. I honestly don't even want to look or talk to any of my inlaws at this point and Im struggling with hwo I handle all these negative emotions. Although, I know it will be insane I'm so looking forward to meeting my girls, getting to go and be with my husband and daughter again.. good luck to you I know we'll both get through this. sorry for the long post!

 

Hi - Wishing you the very best as you lie in waiting...hoping for healthy BIG babies for you....I too have been fighting the negative feelings and trying to concentrate on the blessings. I'm sorry you don't have more help at a time like this....If your husband can advocate for you, I'd suggest that. I know mine will, if I feel strongly enough. Blessings to you....thanks for your thoughts. wendy

 

Hi All; Thank you for your kind and encouraging responses. I am not going to give this anymore negative energy, but am going to thope they fall in love and change their minds over time. It will be their loss...sad, but I'm not going to beg them to be GRANDPARENTS. And I am going to continue to count our blessings. Not everyone is fortunate enought to be facing this dilemma, I suppose. Thank you all,
wendy :rofl: