just needing to vent....

Sorry ladies, I just have to get something off my chest. And I'd greatly value some input if any of you think I'm in the wrong here.

But I got into with DH's cousin today over hospital visitation when we have the twins. DH and I decided a couple of months ago that our immediate family members (his mom, my mom, my sisters) can more or less come and go as they please during our hospital stay. Just because we can be ourselves in front of them and those are the people I won't feel strange about flipping a boob out to feed or having to talk about medical things in front of in case a nurse or a doctor comes in the room. We decided that all other family members and friends can come visit but we want to limit it to certain times. That way we know when to expect people and there are no surprises. Plus we don't want some people coming and NEVER leaving. So we decided that we'd set aside two hours in the mornings and two hours in the evenings for the rest of DH's family and our friends to stop by. He has a LARGE family by the way...this seemed to be the only way to control the circus that is invariably going to happen.

DH's cousin mentioned today that they were all so excited and it was just going to be like a party in my hospital room the whole time......her words not mine. I thought that this would be the perfect time to remind her of the visitation policy we decided on. She went berserk! She basically told me that I shouldn't be selfish and that most women who have babies want EVERYONE to come visit them and that it was weird that I didn't. This lady has no kids, btw. I tried explaining to her that not only would I be EXHAUSTED but also there's a chance if they arrive early that they would be in the NICU and then none of them would get to see the babies anyways. I also tried explaining that this is essentially DH's first experience with childbirth and newborn babies. I have a DS, who is not biologically DH's...but he treats him as if he were and DS does not know his real Dad. I told her that I want DH to be able to bond with the babies and I want DH and I to be able to bond together over the birth of the babies. She said "Don't be like that. You have the rest of their lives to bond with them after you bring them home."

I just started crying! I could not believe that she was basically telling me that I was being selfish by not wanting a million people in and out of my hospital room after having a MAJOR SURGERY! I am not a side show to be gawked at and neither are my babies. I understand that people are excited about them and I'm glad they are, too. However I really believe our wishes should be respected in regards to this.

I'm not even sure how to address it with her again or if I even should. But I do want them to know that we're serious about it and if they just show up anytime, I will ask them to leave.

Am I just being pregnant and emotional over this?

 

I don't think you are overreacting. I wouldn't address it with her again, she obviously has no understanding. When the babies come you can make your phone calls to your family and at that point you can let them know when visiting hours are, in case they forgot! I would also let your nurses know that you don't want the extra visitors and I am sure they will help keep the partying family members out. Good luck!

 

i think you're well within your rights to restrict family visits - and i think it's a wise choice too! i don't think you should address it with her again, i think your DH should as she's his family. she will also have the rest of their lives to bond with them after they come home so i'm not sure why she's in such a rush.

if you think it will help, let her know that up here in Calgary birthing women are allowed two support people in L&D and post partum. period. the support people get a green wrist band & can come & go at any time. the only other people who are allowed to visit in the hospital (during visiting hours) are grandparents & siblings of the new baby. so she should be greatful for the time she will get to visit all of you in the hospital!

:hug: i'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now. :hug:

ETA: fixed some spelling & grammar

 

Ugh! I'm so sorry. This is the birth of your children and you are quite right that you will be nursing almost constantly... Who wants to see or do that in front of a crowd in the first couple of days?

It's clear this woman has boundary issues. Have your DH send an email or phone call around & write a birth plan.

I wish you health and rest for the remainder of the pregnancy and your hospital stay.

 

Wow. :hug: I'm so sorry that she reacted that way and made you feel bad. :hug: I think you have every right to say when and how long people will be staying. We made the rule that only immediate family at the hospital... everyone else comes when we come home since it's only a few days that we're at the hospital. :umm: It was more comfortable for us (me) to have them come when I was in my environment. Either way, stand strong and let your husband deal with family members, you just concentrate on you and the babies.

 

I really don't think you are overreacting at all. I agree with Liz, I would let your DH deal with this and stick to your visitation schedule. Those your (you and DH) babies and your recovery, you have to do what works best for your family :hug:

 

I wouldn't talk about it with her again. All you have to do is let your wishes be known when you check into the hospital and a nurse will make sure that all visitors check in at the desk then the nurse will tell them if visiting is allowed then or not & if it is she will come and check first to see if you would like a visitor. You won't have to deal with the drama at all that way, and you shouldn't have to. This is a very special time for you & DH & it will only happen once. You need to do what feels best for you & your babies. It's not selfish at all. If anything is selfish, it's imposing yourself on a new mom & exposing newborn babies to germs during the "party in your room". Also, if you have visitors there and need to breast feed, have your bed pads changed, be checked, etc. don't feel awkward asking people to step out of the room if you want them too. Those things are private and if you don't want an audience they need to respect your feelings or leave.

An idea to allow everyone to see the babies without having to have a million hospital visitors is to host a sip and see to introduce your babies a week or so after they come home from the hospital. Let everyone know well in advance that you will be doing it so they don't have the urge to go to the hospital in case they "miss" seeing the newborn babies.

 

I think you've gotten good advice from everyone. If you feel there may be still a need to "let everyone know" the policy - then I would have your DH break it to them. That way they won't think it's a hormonal woman going off. Some people don't realize how difficult it is recooperating from surgery and that's what a c/s is. Good luck with everything and everyone!

 

I dont want a bunch of vistors when Im in the hospital either. Establishing breastfeeding with 2 babies is hard enough on its own without an audience! Plus sometimes you have to get up and go to the bathroom and you gotta worry about parts exposed or blood on your butt or blood stains in your bed - who wants visitors to see all that? My MIL has a ton of friends and when I had my last baby I swear every last one of them showed up in my hospital room. I think Im gonna hang a sign up on my door this time that says, "sorry but no visitors at this time, please check back 30 min later" to hang on the door when Im trying to nurse or trying to get up to go to the bathroom etc.

 

Thank you ladies so much! DH is very much in agreement with me over all of this. I think his family thinks it's all me though and that's why they keep making a big deal out of it. Blah. We talked about it again this morning and he is going to have his mom talk to everyone for us and explain the situation again. His mom is kind of the head honcho of everything for his family and most of them will listen to her. We decided we'll let her reiterate the point and then will make sure that our nurses know what's going on with it as well.

The only reason it's stressing me out so much now is that my doc is threatening to deliver the babes after my growth scan on Thursday if they haven't bulked up enough since the last one. So now I feel pressed for time on EVERYTHING! Ahhh!

 

I would have smacked her. Enough said. I would have hoped she would be the one crying not me.
How dare ANYONE dare to question/complain YOUR decision as to who can see your babies within HOURS and DAYS after YOU have brought these babies into the world? Boggles my mind.
Nope, Nope. Nope. :catfight:

 

I don't think you're over-reacting at all! It's your choice and your DH's choice. I don't know how I would have felt about visitors if I hadn't had my twins so early. But I know that with ours in the NICU, we had limits to visitation, even with immediate family. From personal experience, there's always someone who's not going to like it, but it's just not up to them, period! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, stick to your guns, so you can enjoy your first few days with them and don't worry for one more minute about it (if you can help it). Hugs and best wishes!

 

You are so making the right decision! When I had my babies, it was like open house during visitor hours (12-8). I wasn't able to nurse or pump a lot during those hours because I wasn't comfortable doing that with visitors and I wasn't comfortable asking people to leave. The worst was my in-laws! They came every single night (I was there 4 nights) and stayed 2-3 hours each evening. It made me insane.

I will most definitely limit my visitors next time around. You are right. You will be exhausted and recovering from surgery and you both need time with your babies. The nurses are very protective of maternity patients. You tell them your plan and they will enforce it for you!

 

I live in another country from my family and we have one friend visit. Wow it was great !!! I slept all day long, up when I wanted to feed them in Special Care. My brother-in-law was suppose to visit and was late, and here I was waiting for him before I bf the girls. Seriously, bf you really need food, sleep and lots of help from a GOOD lactation consultant -- not family. At this stage I'd say "Grandparents ONLY " and cut everyone else OFF !! Sorry cousin spoiled it for everyone. Plus, I had my useless SIL at our house when we took them home and that was a HUGE mistake. I wish we had one or two days of NOBODY at our house so we could just bond as a family. Make up a sign and put it on your front door saying "NO VISITORS DO NOT KNOCK" I know it has worked for many twin families on here.

While family / friends are great and an important part of your children's lives and future. These are days you can't get back. It is a special time for you as a family. YOU DECIDE and don't let anyone make you feel guilty over it. They will get over it eventually and if they don't you don't want them in your lives anyways.

Heather

 

I had my twin Boys March 5th. I have two other children via vaginal birth and my room in the hospital was a Party!

BUT this time I went into labor at 35.5 weeks, had to have c-section because baby A was transverse and oh by the way both babies had NICU time. When having twins it is a whole different world! Not only that, I successfully nursed my first two sons without a problem. I am currently only nursing the twins (double football hold), but let me tell you; it was the hardest experience of my life. The babies were on feeding tubes, had to pump constantly, by day 5 it was ok, but those first few days are really hard. I only saw my two boys, my parents, my DH parents, and my brother and sister. Thats it, until I came home from hospital. My friends, cousins, ect. were all worried, but I needed that time alone with nurses, lactation consultants and REST. I haven't slept three hours straight since they were born, so you need to sleep when you can, not entertain!

 

Ugh!! I wonder about this with my inlaws as well. I have tried to prepare them that visitors will be two at a time (its our hospital policy!). And I dont want a parade of people. THey can wait until we all come home safe and sound, and then we can say when we are open for visitors.

Its hard to set boundaries. At our hospital, the nurses on tour and in the classes all said they have no problem kicking family members out. "We don't see them at Thanksgiving. Let us know what you need."

Good luck.

 

I had to be delivered due to pre-e and put on mag after they were born. The babies were 2 months early, so they were in the NICU. I couldn't get up to see my babies and felt horrible. Everyone wanted to come and visit. I was exhausted, emotional, etc. My nurse put up a sign that NO ONE was to visit without checking in at the front desk and for me that meant my DH only! I don't think you are overreacting at all. After having a such a huge event happen, why would people think you would want to have a non-stop party!!?? Good luck and I hope it all works out for you!

 

I think you're being very generous to allow anyone other than the grandparents and DS! We did "no" visitors (although one friend who works at the hospital did sneak in for a few minutes) and it was great! (Grandparents live 4 hours away so they came at 3 wks. By that point I was ready to hand off and say, here, she's fed and changed, I'm having a nap!) There's lots of time to go see the babies after they're home and you are feeling better. I like the idea of a "sip and see" except you should add that all visitors have to bring food! and set you up with dinners for a couple of weeks

 

I did not want to be inundated with visitors. I wanted to establish breastfeeding and get to know my children. So I said no visitors for the first 2 weeks. After that they could stay with us 2 weeks max. My MIL was here when they were 2 weeks old. My parents at 2 months.

 

Of course you're not wrong. Remember- YOU are in charge. If you only want a CLOWN to visit you once every 32 minutes- then that is what you get to have! It's all you! And EVERYONE needs to respect YOUR wishes. Shame on that person for talking to you like that. That is horrible.

I would be furious.

You are totally in the right. I agree and you will be in NO shape for visitors. None. I can't even remember my hospital stay so I guess that's good LOL.

Good luck and you're TOTALLY right.

Good luck honey You'll do GREAT!!

 

:woman: OMG i could not relate to you more! My DH is also acting as the role of my DS father. this will be his first time going through childbirth as well even though he has been there since my son was 2. ANYWAYS. I KNOW PUSHY IN LAWS TRUST ME. we used to fight over them all the time. I made the choice in not letting anyone see me or the little ones in the hospital just my husband and my son. It is YOUR BODY YOUR BABIES YOUR CHOICE. if she can't wait a few days to see the babies then she needs to anties: put one her big girl undies. and honestly a lot of the times twins end up in the NICU i wouldn't want people to see me crying like that worrying over my children. or having to deal with people and their emotions. this is about you and your husband and the babies. i would be the first person to have the people kicked out of my room.

 

I had visitors pretty much the whole time I was in the hospital (I didn't nurse so I didn't have that to contend with) but they were actually there to help DH with the twins...I was so sick from the mag that I was pretty useless for about 36 hours...thank god for my mom and grandma!!

I also threw people out when I needed to sleep - had a mag headache and if I was tired I just told people to leave - I needed sleep...

 

Poor thing. I am so sorry that it happened the way it did. The family member of yours just need to consider you and also your special time of having the babies. After all, the hospital is a place to rest and to get better and not a place for a party. Hang in there. And get better you babies will be here before you know it.

 

Personally I would never think of putting visiting restrictions on people.

That said, if that is what you can handle and have voiced this respectfully to everyone then others should follow your wishes. I think not honoring your needs is disrespectful and rude and she was way out of line. Personally I would not address this again with her or anyone else. I would just be sure to tell the nurses about when visitors are okay.
Hmmm, the clown visits are not a bad idea! :laughing: