Help! Did I come up with an appropriate consequence?

I'm telling you, if it's not one thing it's another. Gabe's behavior is getting so much better, but Abby on the other hand is becoming more difficult. My issue today is that around 9 am this morning, she asked if she could go up on my 7 yr. old DD's top bunk and make her bed (lay her stuffed animals out, pull the blanket up, etc.). She's done this before, so I didn't have a problem with it. Around 10:30, I hear Abby and Gabe playing in her room and all of a sudden I hear a crash and crying. Gabe calmly comes out and says "Abby broke Isabel's bed". I asked what happened and he told me "Abby was trying to do a trick". A minute later, Abby comes out with a bloody lip and tells me she was just making Isabel's bed and fell. Well, the entire bed railing is cracked and ripped out of the bed. The railing fell to the floor as well as Abby. I gave her some ice for her lip and put her in Gabe's room b/c I was so mad. In fact, I was so mad I couldn't even talk to her or yell or anything. Later, I came in and told I was disappointed that she 1) Lied to me about what she was doing up there b/c I gave her permission to make the bed about 1.5 hrs. before that (plus Gabe had already told me what happened) 2) that she tried a trick on the bed - a bunk bed at that. There's really no easy way to fix the bed. The bed is only about 1 yr. old and was a really nice bed, but not for someone to try to flip off the side of it. I told her her consequence was that she has to give up her bed to Isabel and she has to sleep on the floor until we figure out how to fix it or whatever else we end up doing (new bed?). What do you think? Is this too harsh? Not harsh enough? Do you have any other recommendations for what I can do or say? We did talk to her about what our concerns were and why she now had to sleep on the floor, but I just don't know if it's sinking in.

On a positive note, Gabe has been having some awesome behavior lately! I'm so proud of him. It makes me wonder if she's acting up more lately b/c he's NOT acting up (maybe an attention thing?).

 

I think it's a wonderful consequence.

If it had been her bed, she wouldn't be sleeping in it, so since she broke someone else's bed, she has to give the someone else her bed until it's fixed.

Plus hopefully she realizes how serious what she did was and this is a big serious punishment for a big serious error on her part.

 

I agree with Bex. It is teaching her what would happen in the "real world." If you break something belonging to someone else, you have to replace it. She is replacing it with her bed. I think she will really learn that she needs to be more careful with other people's things.

 

I think that is a good consequence for the behavior. :good: I think the punishment fits the crime here.


:Clap: Glad Gabe is having some awesome behavior lately!

 

I agree. I think the punishment is very good. And props to you for not losing it and putting her in another room until you could figure out what to do!

 

do you really think she meant to break the bed? My guess is that she was playing and being impulsive and she broke the bed, bummer -- but I doubt she knew that would be the outcome. so, as for punishment -- maybe having her sleep on the floor is fine .. but I'd not consider it punishment. my guess is that her only thought on the subject is 1) ooops and 2) I am a bad girl -- the latter being a terrible thought to put into a child's head at this age.

I would have been angry at this as well =-- but truly, that's about all I could do. you can talk to her and find out if she even has any idea that she's done something wrong. she probably just knows that mommy's mad and she's bad and that's about it.

the messages we send to kids at this age frame their self-esteem for life. sometimes mistakes happen and yes, they are unfortunate and maddening, but I don't think that young kids at this age really understand all the nuance of the stuff they do, they just DO.

(sorry to be the dissenting view -- I've read extensively on this stuff and the research I've read does not support that punishments create better behavior -- they usually do just the opposite or have the sad effect of causing kids to question their own self-worth -- mainly cause their interpretation of what's happened is rarely the interpretation we have.

 

No, I don't think she meant to break the bed. But, she should NOT have been up on the bed (at that time - she was given permission 1.5-2 hrs. prior and had done what she had asked to do and had come down from the bed for over an hour before she went back up and started playing. She lied about it. And I never used the word "punishment" with her. I used the word consequence which I think are 2 different things. She's not being punished for the poor choice, but she does have a natural consequence. I also did not yell at her but told her I was disappointed in her choice to do that and that now her sister doesn't have safe place to sleep. I did talk to her this afternoon about it. She was able to tell me that it was wrong to lie about what she was doing on the bed and that it was unsafe to be trying to flip off the edge. I don't get the impression that she feels she's a bad girl, but I don't know 100% what's going on inside her (don't we all wish we could!). I don't think it would have been fair for her to have her nice bed while her sister gets displaced somewhere b/c of something she had nothing to with. I do appreciate your view and response. I just don't want you to think I was yelling/screaming or telling her she was bad for doing what she did. It was a poor and unsafe choice and kids do need to learn from their mistakes through consequences. Hopefully she'll remember this and not attempt something similar again.

 

The biggest issue I see is that she did something dangerous. She could have gotten really hurt (am I reading right that she fell off the top of a bunk bed?) I think the punishment/consequence needed to be a big deal so she would learn not to play up there again. That is what I would focus on ... that way, she does not question your feelings towards her vs. her sister ... however, we are all maybe giving them more credit than they are due ... she will likely play up there again and forget all about her consequence in about 0.3 seconds If she is anything like my girls No, just kidding ... but I do think that you did great ... I probably would have lost it and yelled ... good for you for walking away, keeping your composure and thinking about what would help her learn and help her sister not suffer because of what was out of her control.

 

I don't think she should be punished - When my son goes to school his bedroom door remains shut until he comes home so the younger siblings don't get into his stuff or break things! Actually, all rooms the little ones are not allowed in by themselves is to remain shut at all times. As a parent we really have to set our kids up to succeed, and a 4 year old can't be unsupervised - I know my almost 4 year old can't - they like to test their limits. I am glad you didn't yell at her that would have only confused her - she could have really gotten hurt from the top bunk bed. Good luck!

 

I dont know if it is really a consequence, as much as a natural consequence. A bed is broken, her behavior seem to lead to that (whether she meant to or not), and as a result she can sleep on the floor for a few nights until a solution is figured out. I dont see it as much as being a consequence as a fact of life, a bed is broken, and a solution needs to be figured out. Of course I would be upset at a fairly new bed being broken, but yes I am sure that was not her intention. But, the bigger issue for me is the danger factor of playing up on that bed.
I think the decision you made was fine! Stick to your solution, try not to be emotional about it (because I am sure your DD feels bad about it already), and move on. You are NOT going to damage your child from having this consequence. I would just make sure to notice a bunch of good things that she does over the next week or two, so she knows that she also does great things that deserve attention as well.

 

Well, I don't agree that she shouldn't be allowed in her own room. She shares a room with her older sister and got up on her sister's top bunk. I'm not going to close her door and not allow her to have access to her own room even if she does share it with someone else. My kids are allowed in all areas of our house (obviously, they aren't allowed to play in certain areas such as the bathroom or my room) and at 4.5 I don't feel I need to be on top of them all the time. With 3 kids, I can't supervise them all constantly. She knows the rules for bunk bed and that's why she asked if she could go up there earlier in the morning to make her sister's bed. Unfortunately, she made a bad choice and went up again later and made another bad choice to do something dangerous. I have a small house and if I shut all their bedroom doors or didn't allow them to go down and play in the basement, we'd all be sitting in the great room on top of eachother. And when you say that she should not be punished, are you saying you wouldn't have done anything? What would you have done for the child that now has an unsafe bed to sleep in? I'm not trying to argue here, but honestly she was not "punished" in the sense that she had to pay for her crime like scrub toilets or getting grounded. She had a natural consequence in that she had to give up her bottom bunk to the person whose bed she broke.

 

I agree that kids often do not understand all that their behavior sometimes causes, however, they learn through consequences, and IMO, punishments. We have to teach them what behavior is appropriate and that can not always be done by positive rewards. I firmly believe it takes both. I strongly disagree that punishments cause a questioning of self-worth or causes my children to think they are bad. Many of us often tell our kids that even though they are good kids, they have done the wrong thing. That's how they learn. And I have evidence that punishments do create better behavior. My self-worth isn't questioned just because I get in trouble at work for something I didn't do correctly. I learn from my mistakes and then carry on. Kids only question their self-worth if we as parents act recklessly, and putting my child in time-out, or taking away a toy, or making them sleep on the floor because they broke their siblings bed will not cause low-self esteem. It's all in how the punishment is handed out...with love or with anger. This was not done in anger and I just refuse to believe that she thinks she's a bad girl.

Also, my children have unsupervised playtime at 4. I refuse to stand over them 24/7 and constantly barking orders at them on how they are supposed to behave. They have to learn expectations, and they have to begin sometime to learn how to behave without someone standing over their shoulder. They have been learning my expectations since they were old enough to be taught. I check on them from time to time, but I don't and won't be with them every single second of every single day. They are beginning to know the rules of this house, and if they don't abide by those rules when I'm not around, then they get punished. How else do they learn that they are expected to behave appropriately whether I am in the room or not?

 

Completely agree. :good: I think it is a perfect natural consequence.

Oh, and good job for not loosing your cool! Kudos to you momma!

 

Thank you to everyone that has commented. I appreciate the time you have taken to respond. We're going to try to attempt to re-attach the railing tomorrow. We're using some wood glue tonight and then tomorrow probaby using some good and long screws to put it back up. Ultimately, we will probably end up getting a new bunk bed (or gently used) soon, but not too soon b/c I don't want Abby to think that we can just go out and buy a new expensive item as soon as she breaks something.

 

I completely disagree with this. This seems to be a natural consequence of unacceptable behavior. This message not only frames self-esteem, but also the ability to sense danger and limitations. Kids crave limits, I have seen this over and over with my kids friends and with my students. Letting a child feel good about all behavior is an irresponsible choice. I have been trained as a teacher and had much education in education and development and think that even a mistake has consequences and at 4 they are more than capable of learning this.

And I think it is absolutely normal for a 4 year to play by themselves independence and good decision making is essential to learn at this age.

I think the punishment/consequence was perfect for this case.

 

I think the punishment is appropriate. BUT, I don't think your 4 year old should be allowed on the top bunk to make her sister's bed, to fetch a toy, or for whatever reason. It's just too confusing to a 4 year old to have inconsistent rules. If she isn't allowed up there, she shouldn't be allowed up there at all (not for "just 5 minutes" or "only when mommy says ok" etc.).

I've heard that 5 years old is probably the earliest age a child should sleep on the top bunk, not because a younger child will fall off when she is sleeping, but because a younger child will fall off when she is awake and playing. (Acutally, every 5 year old I know who sleeps on a bunk bed has fallen off and injured themselves when they were fully awake.) IMHO, the top bunk should be off limits to a 4 year old at all times.

By the way, I'm glad your DD wasn't injured badly in the fall. Better to have a broken railing than a broken leg.

 

I do agree with you that I should not have let her go up there. This was the 2nd time she has ever been allowed up there, so it's def. not the norm and it is no longer permitted. I think that because we were recently on vacation and our cruise cabin had a set of bunk beds that the kids rotated who slept where, she (and I probably too) felt it was safer than it probably was. Even though she'll be 5 in Sept., she doesn't have much experience or safety knowledge about the top bunk b/c she's not the one that sleeps up there and hasn't been allowed up there before now. None of my kids usually play on their beds, so I guess I never really thought too much about it. We've both learned some lessons.