How to deal with this behavior

I have a son who has always been very needy, clingy and whiney (with me way more than my husband, but I'm with them all the time and my husband is not). He's the one who I'm forever having sleep issues with and am having to re-do CIO, he's the one who had separation anxiety BAD for months, and now it's sort of come back, or maybe it's just general crabbiness - I can't tell. My daughter can play independently and not much phases her. He does ok, depending on his mood. But often times he comes running (and whining, screaming and crying) to find me for "help". If my daughter takes something from him, or is playing with something he wants, he throws a FIT! Every 2 seconds he gets a boo boo and needs me. Every morning this week he's cried for the cup I give my daughter because he wants that color instead. This morning I made sure to give him the green cup he's been crying about the last two days, but today he wanted orange because that's what I gave my daughter. It can be very frustrating to say the least. I can't take the screaming and whining and tantrums every 2 minutes. It is still hard for me to be able to make breakfast in the morning without him hanging on me and crying that he needs help with something or wants to be picked up. And when I tell him I can't right now the tantrum starts and I am so ready to lose it. And if I help him quickly, that's not good enough and he wants something else. I wake up in the morning saying today will be a better day, I will handle it better, but then he just has a way of pushing buttons and escalating everything to the point that a half hour into my day I want to put him in his crib and leave him there. When he's happy and being good, he's an awesome kid. Very sweet, very friendly, very caring, very smart, I can't think of enough good things to say about him. But these outbursts are making me feel like I am an awful mother because I don't know how to handle it and it's making me very angry at him. Sometimes I get so mad I swear there must be something wrong with him. Please tell there's not and this is normal! How do you deal with behavior like this?

1) ignore it and don't give in (that is soooo hard for me to not want to flip out and yell at him to STOP IT! after the 10th time.
2) punish the behavior - put him in his crib or time out
3) give in to every request to keep him happy
4) other - please explain!

 

I don't know if it will help, but I can tell you what worked with my DS. I don't think he was quite as clingy as yours, but right around that age, I started telling him to go to his room to whine because I didn't want to hear it. Kind of like time-out, I guess. If he didn't go, I'd physically take him there and tell him to stay there until he calmed down. He could whine, cry, throw a tantrum as much as he wanted, but he couldn't come back out until he was calm.

Maybe yours won't cooperate, but I was surprised at how well mine cooperated. It's like it was more okay to tell him "do it somewhere else" than it was if I had told him to just "stop".

What actually happens now is if he starts, I tell him to go to his room to calm down, and he doesn't even make it to his room before he gets calm, and comes back out.

Good Luck!! I hope it gets better!! I know tantrums and whining take so much out of you!

 

I agree with this. I've had to do that with my DS from time to time. I tell him that he needs a break and so does Mommy. Sometimes I think they just overwhelm themselves with tantrums at this age.

 

I did (and do) the same sort of thing as the previous poster. If either of my kids has a particularly whiney day (and they seem to be whiney more often than not, these days), I just say "whiney kids are tired kids" or "no whining" and send them to their room, or take them to their room, if they refuse to go on their own. They are told to stay in there until they can calm down and be nice. I have the attitude that whining is fairly rude, it's not a nice way to talk to someone, and they need to be able to talk and ask for things in a lower-pitched, calmer voice (which I often have to demonstrate) in order to be polite. The same goes for screaming- it's rude, unacceptable, and if they can't be calm they need to be on their own until they can calm down. Some days they get that right away, and some days they don't. Up until recently, I also had a child-proofing doorknob cover on the knob inside their room, so if they continued to come out and whine or scream immediately, they'd go in with the door shut, and could not come out until I said so.
It's also for ME that I need to do this... I need to be away from them when the are behaving this way, or I'll go insane. It does tend to help, and if nothing else it's a calm, routine way of letting them know the behaviour is not acceptable.
Good luck.. I know how emotionally exhausting it can be.

 

I like the idea of making him whine it out in his room. I have done that when I'm at my wits end, but I think he's at the age I can explain the reasoning better and try to get him to go himself.

But what do you do if the whining is because he's asking for help with something? He'll stand there and whine "help?, help?" in this pitiful voice, which really is code for sit and play with me. He usually has something he wants help with and is valid (although I know he is capable of doing it himself most of the time, he just won't try, and me trying to have him help himself makes him whine and stomp his feet more), but it doesn't end there if I help him. He won't let me go back to what I was doing. Would you send them to their room for this type of whining? I bet I could tell him to ask for help nicely and he would. But when he doesn't get his way after, he'll start all over again with the pitiful "help?, help?". Am I mean for sending him to his room at that point? I'll feel like he'll think he's being punished for asking for help. Or maybe I just wait for the tantrum when I say I can't help and then send him on his way, and hope he eventually understands it's for his behavior?

 

WOW!!! I TOTALLY could have wrote your post!!!! I have one EXACTLY like yours...tantrums, whining, clinging..etc. The other one is fairly easy going but is starting to follow in his brothers footsteps with the tantrums and whining. It's all I can do to get p through each day..I am constantly praying asking God for patience and to make the day go by as fast as possib;e because most days I feel like I am going to lose it.
I am going to try doing what other people suggested. Today I sort of did that. We were outside in the wagon and it was time to come in for lunch and he spazzed out, of course. I had to carry his thrashing body inside and lay him kicking and scareming on the floor. I just walked out of the room, turned off the light and left him. He then got up, went into the garage and sat in the wagon(I checked on him every couple minutes with out him knowing it)and he proceeded to sit in the wagon for 15 min, calmed down and came back inside. So, I guess ignoring and walking away sometimes works. My major problem is when we are in public and the tantrums he throws when we are leaving places...NOT fun.

Anway, I totally can relate! Maybe it's partly the age and I think mine is teething as well. Though he's always been super clingy. I just seriously hope this passes soon and I make it through
Good luck!

 

Yes! I will always answer a plea for help but sometimes it's with "you can do that yourself" or "I'm sorry, I can't help right now". If a fit ensues they go to time out or to their room, I let them choose. Usually just the offer of choosing where to throw the fit makes them stop. Be SUPER consistent and eventually it will get better. The fits don't stop but they get better at controlling them. It's so hard, but less emotional you are when you deal with the fits, the less likely they are to get out of control. When they see I couldn't care less that they are flipping out, they tend to move on more quickly.

 

Cody is now at the age where I can tell him to stop the tantrum or go to his room. It does get better just hang in there. I wanted to suggest something about the sippy cups. When you pull 2 cups out hold them in front of him & ask him which one he wants. Maybe giving him the choice will stop the tantrum. Or on the other side you could buy cups all the same color. Hopefully one will work for you!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this too and can relate so well!

Today I tried putting him in his room and explaining to him what we are going to be doing and why. I kind of liked it. I had to take him there, and I don't think he understood he could come back on his own when he was finished. But it did cut back on the tantrum and really helped keep me calm. My daughter went in there a few minutes later, and I didn't mind because it's not like I was punishing him, just trying to diffuse a bad situation and start a new routine for the both of us. He calmed down and they started playing. I had to go tell him he was allowed to come back down since he was being good. Hopefully the novelty doesn't wear off.

 

It still hasn't with us - as I said, now, he rarely even makes it to his room. He starts wiping the tears away, takes some deep breaths, and then changes his tone.

Sorry about the late reply, but when he's whining for something he wants, now I can ask him to change his tone. I think your DS is a little younger, so he might not understand quite yet. I get to his level, look him in the eyes, and tell him he's a big boy who can use words, that I don't want to listen to the whining.

If he's asking for "help" because he wants me to play, I do as PP said and say "I can't right now. Mommy needs to finish **** and then I can come play with you". And I keep my promise.

Good Luck!! I hope it continues to go well!

 

other options from someone NOT yet in your situation...

Mimic the whinning. you say "mommmmmmmy she took my cup" over exaggerate the whinney. They repeat the sentence on how you want him to say it.

Like when they are little they go through phases of needed attention, they they get enough and are ready to explore again. With my 12 month old when she gets clingy I then become VERY VERY VERY clingy with her. OVER the top, he wont' be able to move can't get anywhere clingy. He will have had enough and might move onto playing because you are NO FUN. But he got what he needed and that was physical attention.

As they say in daycare "use your words". or again repeat what you want him to say. If it is a HUGE ordeal everytime he come to complain to you -- because you then focus on HOW he tells you and the words he uses and HOw he says it.... he might get bored and realize it is NO FUN to tell mom anything !! hehe

Wine. (my answer to everything). within reason of course.

Heather