To go back to work or be a SAHM

I am hoping that I will get some options from Mom's that made the choice to go back to work and those who made the choice to stay at home. How you made that choice and if you feel it was the right choice or not.

My twins are almost 9months old and my work leave is over when they are 12months old. My DH makes enough money for me to stay at home but I also make a good salary at my job. I am torn between being a SAHM and a career Mom. My job has to be full time and there would be no way to turn it into part time.

I don't know what to do. I have got options from other people and they always so the same things'

1) Can you go back part time? Answer: No, it is all or nothing
2) Can you afford to stay home? Answer: Yes, but i would be turning down 70K-80K salary
3) Are you ok with someone taking care of your kids for majority of the week? Answer: I don't know!
4) Do what you feel is right. Answer: I DON'T now what is right!!!

Any help or insight on this issue what be great! Thanks MOMS!!

 

I went back to work at 12 weeks and haven't regretted it. It wasn't much of a choice for me due to financial concerns but I think my babies do really well with daycare. We get up and do the same things everyday and they are used to it. They are very happy babies and I think it was easier to get them to sttn because we were on a strict schedule. I love my babies and enjoy the weekends, but I also needed the adult interaction and to stimulate my mind. People say it is hard to leave them while they are little, but I think they will need you a lot more in the junior high - high school years than now. My babies still know I'm Mommy even though they are taken care of by other people during the day. They are fairly easily entertained by anyone at this point. I hope to stay home during their adolescent years so I can take them to all their activities and I can be more available and aware of their needs.
As far as finding a caregiver, we couldn't really afford a full-time nanny and we were more comfortable with a daycare as opposed to someone's home. That might change as we have more kids, but for now they go to a church-run daycare that also has a private school. We looked at several daycares and this one just felt right. Everything about it seemed to be the right place for them to be.

Good Luck!

 

I am in a similar situation as you. I am a teacher and can only work full time or not at all. I was planning to go back to work when my babies were a few months old, but I didn't want to leave them. I make about 75K at my job. I would love to work part time (like 2 days a week) but that's not an option for me. For now I am going to stay at home with my kids. I feel like I will never be able to get this time back, plus I have another baby on the way. I am also not totally comfortable with having someone else be with my kids more than I would be with them. We are barely making it on DH's salary, but we have money in savings, so I think it's worth it for me to stay home.

 

Whatever works best for YOUR family is the right decision.


Ultimately for us, that was me staying home after I had our first child in 1995.

I was not OK with my children being with someone else for the majority of the day that they were awake. I wanted to see all of it - the good, the bad & the ugly and parenting can have all of it :laughing:

Our family works really well & is happy with (what was my decision - DH would have supported whatever I chose) me being home.


My baby will be 15 in a couple of months and I do not regret a moment. The years have flown by so amazingly fast.


I have not suffered in the least. I have always been busy and consistently volunteer with a number of things. No brain mush here :good:


IMO if it would not make YOU crazy and you can afford it, go for it! They are years that will slip by in a blink of an eye. Cherish each moment you have with your children.

 

Our twins are around the same age and I too will make the decision whether to return to work at 12 months. My husband is in the military and he makes enough to support us comfortably. I will honestly say that I would not have traded these past 8 months at home with my girls for anything. I love getting to spend everyday with them and watching them grow and develop. Now, my sister had to return to work when my niece (just turned 1) was 12 weeks. Last week, she took the week off and just stayed home with her. We spent a lot of time together and she says going to work is easier than staying home. Do you like your job? If so, I would go back. Its an excellent salary and you deserve to have your own life. It makes you a better parent. Not saying you can't have your own life being a SAHM, its just easier if you have a job. Good luck with your decision!

 

In your situation, I would go back for a few months and then see how you feel. I think after 3 months, you'll know which feels right for you. Another thing to consider is if leaving your field of work for a few years will make it difficult to return to a similar job in 3-5 years (or whenever you'd want to go back).

I kind of had the opposite experience. I went back to work when my twins were 12 weeks. By the time they were 9 months old, I realized I really wanted to be home with them rather than working full time. I quit right before they turned 1. I've loved the last 2 years being home with them. I also miss my professional life. I'm thinking about returning to work in the next few months, but I will never regret these years spent as a SAHM.

 

I could have written this post myself. I always assumed I would go back to work, but when the time came I wasn't okay with someone else being with them all day. I, too, wanted to be there for it all. I haven't regretted it for a single minute!

 

I am not very confortable also with someone else taking care of my kids. I want to be around ... I might of course think of going back when they start school. At the moment and since January I started searching for working from home job like virtual assistants, etc. For mums who want to stay at home, and if they have someone in the house to help with house chores, and who want to make also some $, then this is not a bad idea. of course what you earn is far less then if you would work full time, however it's not that bad at all. Good luck with whatever you choose.

 

I love being a SAHM!!!! But I gave up the same salary and--while we can live on DH's income--it would be nice to have some extra money. So I have decided to work part-time by starting my own business. This means I will probably have to put the kids into daycare (or at a nanny's home) one day a week--so I can work at home without interruptions. I will be able to make close to the same income since I will be the owner of my business (so I will get ALL the money) and will have very low overhead--basically--computer, liability insurance, and daycare. I don't know if this is something that is an option for your line of work. But for me, I still get to take care of my kids 6 days a week and can earn some extra money. For me, it will be important to have a quiet house one day a week so I can get work done so I am willing to pay for daycare to accomplish that. And one day of daycare won't really interfere with my ability to be the one who cares for them most of the time.

 

I am in a very similar situation as you (make good money, but could afford to stay home). I am going to be going back in 3 weeks (and went back after my first). For me, the big deciding factors were 1) I love my job and am fulfilled by it and 2) i don't have the kind of job that I could easily leave and re-enter after a few years at home. Smaller factors include 1) I really like our lifestyle (vacations, nice clothes, etc) and 2) I feel my son got a lot out of his daycare/preschool situation. Good luck with your decision. I think you can't make a wrong one in this situation.

 

I planned on going back my entire pregnancy and even until the weekend before I was going to return to work (when they were 12 weeks old).

I just couldn't do it.

I called my boss and she said something to me that solidified my decision.

"I am SOOO happy that you called me. You are doing the right thing. You only get one chance to raise your babies. You can work for the rest of your life if you want to, you can work until you're dead. You will never get these times back."

I put in my notice.

The answer was clear for me.

 

I hope you find the right answer... I didn't have a chance to read all the responses, but I have always felt I was "lucky" enough to work part-time... well, now we are rethinking that... its really hard work to work part-time - I work from home, so basically my 2 days worth of hourse are split over the whole week and I try to work during their naps. That doesn't really leave me any time to do household stuff... and I always feel like I'm drowning in laundry and don't have proper meals on the table etc.

with all that said, I think my 1st option if money wasn't an issue would be to stay home. We are actually thinking that I might go work FT and my dh stay home or try for PT so that we can regain some family time. His hours are crazy right now and it leaves me without any help until closer to 7p or 8p... and by then my brain is fried from these little monkeys!

anyway, good luck making your decision, there are always a lot of factors to figure in.

 

My answer is also similar to this. Although I did plan to stay at home before I even had children, it was because I didn't want someone else being with my kids the majority of the day. I've been home for nearly 8 yrs now, and I haven't regretted it for a minute. I have adult interaction from my family and friends, my online friends, but I also get to see, as Callen put it...

! I love being home with my kids, even on the days I feel like I'm losing my mind!

 

I went through years of infertility while in law school and I had agreed to a prestigious clerkship thinking I would have a baby during school. It turned out that I didn't get pregnant until right before it started, and had to resign because I ended up on bedrest at 14 weeks. At that time, I was offered me the position for the following year and I accepted. The plan was for me to clerk for one year and then go to a major firm in NYC. We had thought that I would work there until I had all of the kids we wanted and then I would stay home once I had my last one.

Well, leaving my daughter home at 6 months to go back to work was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I loved my job, but it killed me every time I missed out on something with her. I cried almost daily and that was with a job that let me work from 9-6. I completely the year, but knew there was no way I could go to a major law firm where I would be working insane hours. Walking away from the money sucked. We would have double our current income and then some, but we could live on my DH's salary so that's what we decided to do.

I think it's hard to know how you will feel unless you give it a try. I have a lot of friends who love working. One of my closest, quit to be a SAHM after she had her 3rd and within 3 months was back at work. She's a great mom and that's what works for her and her family.

I will confess that lately there are some days that I dream about going to work. It would be really nice to spend a day working on a complex legal problem and having discussions with people who value my opinion. Oh and the thought of going to the bathroom without an audience just about makes me swoon. :laughing:

 

Thanks to all the ladies that posted to me! I am still on the fence on what to do. Someday's I think that I should go back to work and think of all the good positive things work would bring and then other days I get all worked up and stressed about it!!! Grrrrr....... I started to look into dayhomes around to see what is out there and what they offer. I figured it would be easier to make a choice if i knew they would be in a good dayhome or if there was nothing that I would feel comfortable leaving my kids with.

Am I a bad Mom if I go back to work? Will they love me less? Would they rather be with the dayhome worker? These are the big questions that are on my mind!!!!!

 

In my opinion the answer to all three questions is a BIG NO! I am full-time working mom (non-profit manager). Working actually makes me a better mom, I think. I appreciate the time I have with the kids more rather than being frazzled and at my wits end (which is how I would be as a SAHM, but not necessarily how others are) and the toddler antics don't get to me as much because I am just happy to be with them, I get time to be the me that I have always been which is someone who works hard and enjoys achieving in my career, AND I truly think daycare has been wonderful for my kids. I absolutely do not think my kids love me any less than they would if I was a SAHM. When we are out in public they still cling to me if they are scared and grumpy, they still look to me for hugs and kisses, and they literally jump for joy and clap their hands when I arrive to pick them up. The examples are endless, but I have no doubt that my kids love me unconditionally and they actually seem to get bored of me on extended weekends and holidays because they love "school" so much - not that they don't love me, but that they know I am here for them and they are comfortable enough to be away and play and not worry that mom is gone because they know I will be back. My kids are at an in-home daycare too, and I worried that they would love her more or that they would start to call her mama but that was a needless worry. They are smart little munchkins, and they know the difference! I am happy with our daycare situation because our caregiver loves them to pieces and they love her, but I am still mom and there has never been any question that they love me and dh more (or maybe differently is more accurately) than the person who watches them. For us, it is kind of like a granparent situation. The kids at their daycare call the caregiver nana and I think my kids think it is just another grandparent - which it is pretty similar - they love their grandparents (and they have plenty with our multi-divorced and remarried families) and like to be with them but they still know who their mom and dad are and prefer us most of the time.

Gosh, sorry for the novel but I just wanted to chime in that all of those thoughts and feelings are normal, but in my experience completely unfounded. In my ideal situation I would work part-time, but that isn't financially feasible for us (dh is commission only and I carry the insurance for the family) and that's ok. I think the only reason I even question our arrangement is when "mom guilt" rears its head. I enjoy working, the kids enjoy daycare, we have a system that works for us, the kids are happy and me and dh are happy and that's all the matters. I am asked endlessly if I would rather be a SAHM and I used to say yes but the truth is that this is what works for us.

Just another note too - I was talking to a friend of mine last night who is debating this same thing and she said "but the kids will be with daycare for eight hours!" True, if you are working full-time, but in our situation (strict schedulers) I only miss out on about 4 hours of awake time since they nap from noon to 3:00 and an hour of that is spent with them eating breakfast and lunch (not to mention the time they spend playing outside when they could care less who is around)! I just try to be careful and not romanticize the time they are spending at daycare and make myself feel like I am missing out on so much by imagining all the things they are doing that they probably aren't. Plus, there hasn't been a thing yet that they have done over there that they don't do at home the good (milestones), the bad (tantrums), and the ugly (undressing and throwing poop across the room)!

 

K&T's Mom THANK YOU so much for taking the time to reply. It means a lot to me to hear that you had the same worries as I do and they were unfounded! Making this choice is hard but I do think most days that going to work would make me a better Mom as well. All my friends are SAHM and think that it is crazy and I am wrong to even consider going back to work, telling me that I would be letting someone else raise my children. So that being said, a BIG Thanks for your reply.

 

[quote name='K&T's MOM' date='09 April 2010 - 02:19 PM' timestamp='1270837157' post='1615641']
In my opinion the answer to all three questions is a BIG NO! [/quote]

I completely agree. I am a SAHM because it's what works best for me and my family. One of my closest friends had to go back to work for her sanity. She tried the SAHM thing and it made her misreable. She is a much happier person and accordingly a better mom this way. Her kids love her just as much as my kids love me and I would never ever say that she and her DH aren't the ones raising their kids. As an added bonus, they get to take amazing family vacations that we can't afford.

 

I'm so sorry that your friends are projecting their views on you... only you can figure out what is right for you and your family! I also agree w/pp regarding its not a full "8 hrs" away since they are sleeping, eating etc. I charted out what I thought a schedule would be if my dh stayed home and since we live close by I can still come home for lunch... and really only miss out on their mornings...

good luck, I think you've gotten a lot of great responses.