When the answer is still "no"

A&S are now in a phase of trying to negotiate and persuade when they ask me something and don't get the answer they want. I actually admire this developing skill, but at the same time, don't want to get into one of those "I already said no!" feedback loops. How do you respond when they keep asking and trying different arguments on you, but you have no intention of changing your mind? My tactic so far has been to answer a few times, and then say, "I'm not going to listen to that question any more." Just wondering if anyone else has a different strategy.

 

I'll tell them, "I already said no. Now, you need to obey Mommy and stop asking. If you ask again, you will get <insert discipline (time out, etc)>." This is really an easy one when the answer was, "Not now." Because, if they continue to hound me about it I simply tell them that if they ask again they won't be able to do whatever it is they are asking for later, either.

I believe that this behavior of begging or continuing to ask after I've said no shows that they aren't respecting my authority. This isn't acceptable around here. Trying to explain yourself too much can cause this to escalate, too. When you get into trying to explain things in a variety of ways, they tend to think this opens the door for them to argue. So many times, the more I have tried to explain why I made the descision I made, the more they feel they can argue. I think it is because they feel like I am engaging in the arguement with them. But, when I refuse to be drawn into that and simply tell them I already made a desicion and if they ask again they will be in trouble shows that I am in charge, not someone they can debate the topic with.

They may not always understand my reasons, but they need to accept my authority. When they are able to respectfully come to me with a well-thought-out, persuasive position, but are still willing to gracefully accept my "no", I will be willing to explain my reasoning to them in more detail because that shows they are able to better understand. It also shows they are truly seeking understanding, not just an argument. I'm all for kids trying to gain wisdom! But, for now, they just aren't going to get all the reasons I am saying no to their requests. I tell them no, give a brief explanation (No, you can't wear shorts. It is too cold.), and refuse to be draw into an argument or feel a need to defend my decision to a 4-year-old.

ETA: Forgot to add that consistency is key, too. If you sometimes do change your mind just to get them to leave you alone, they are going to realize that arguing works. If you say no, you have to stick to it. I'll admit that I have hastily said no in the past and wished I had thought about it more because there really wasn't a good reason I said no. It has definitely made me thing my answers through better.

 

Dont you love this phase!!!

We are in this one too....

I respond a few ways, depending on what it is.

1. explain why---this is often my first approach. They are fairly into 'fair' and 'rules' and routine. So instead of a NO you cant wear those shoes. (end of story). I will say no you may not wear those shoes. You have to wear sneakers in order to play in the gym at school ( I also use natural concequences for this- see later in post). Or food is often an argument......so I will say NO, we are eating breakfast/lunch/dinners in X minutes and you can eat _______ then. I think it is respectful to tell them why if there is a logical response. This also helps get rid of 'before dinner food questions' or shoes other than sneakers on Mondays..... after while they remember and I dont get the same questions since they know the answer and why. WHY is important to them and gives them knowledge a bit of practice with logical reasoning . I dont like them touching the TV because it ruins the screen. They are much more likely to NOT touch it on their own if they know it may ruin it and they cant see their favorite show rather than I just say NO. Then they may touch it just to get a rise out of me.

I will also repeat why and with an explanation if they ask again. Now---one of them will say as I start to repeat with "Mom I know I know....I cant touch the tv because it will break the screen."

2. State I said no. No means no. This is often for a request that they know why the answer is no or if I have a reason I dont want to share with them. This is used the least often. I leads to arguments and I would be upset if somene told me no w/o a reason so why would they be OK with it??

3. I reask them. If they ask "Can I play on the computer?" ( which is sometimes ok and others not, depends on if I am using it or if they have had enough screen time that day). I will answer the first time "Not right now. No. We have already watched enough screentime today." Then if they ask again- I say "What did I tell you?." OFten they repeat back to me why the answer is no and leave it alone. IF they ask again I simply repeat "What did I tell you?"

4. Sometimes I answer YES! even if the answer is no. For example....someone asks "May I have a cookie?" and the answer is no at that moment...I will say "YES. after dinner." So it really is no for the moment, but not later. This is great for food, activities, and sometimes that you are okay with, but not then. I use this second. They like the idea of YES, and often are ok with the delayed gratification. I think it helps teach them patience, delayed gratification, and memory (if they forget about the cookie...fine with me!!).

5.I also try natural consequences....if they want to wear short sleeves and it is cold. I tell them what will happen, but let them. They will learn it is too cold to wear short sleeves if it is cold out. OR if they choose not to eat dinner, they will be hungry later. I dont have to nag, they learn. Takes a lot of patience on my part, but some lessons have to be experienced to learn better.

6.I usually will also remind them what will happen if I say no (and often why) what will happen (time out, loss of toy, removal from activity, etc).

HTH. I have one VERY SPIRITED child and she hates being told NO. But I have found that these strategies work well....for her #4 and #1 work best. She tends to ignore some natural consequences (#5), but they work best for my other DD. So it depends on you child, the situation, and what you are comfortable using.

 

It does depend on the situation, but in general, I usually respond with "Once I've already said "no", my answer will not change. Asking me again will only make me angry but will not change my mind." I do try to make them understand why my answer might be "no" before they even try to negotiate. For instance, if they want to play a computer game I might tell them "not now, you have already played for 30 minutes today." Or if they ask for something in the store -- "no, we came here to buy a present for your cousin, maybe you can get that when it's your birthday". Or if they want a piece of candy -- "no, it'll be time for dinner soon and I want you to be hungry for healthy food!" That way, I'm not just saying "no". They know why.

 

Thanks! I do explain why -- I think that's important -- but as everyone said, sometimes each explanation just seems to give them an opportunity to attack that specific part of my reasoning. :laughing:

As KCMichigan said, they are really into learning the rules right now, so I rarely resort to "Because I said so." Of course then it frustrates them all the more on those rare occasions, but sometimes that just can't be helped.

Every once in a while, I do change my mind... which probably makes the problem worse in some ways, but I also think it's important for them to win an argument occasionally, if they really do manage to convince me. I didn't do this when they were younger (and often found myself wishing I had thought more carefully before answering!), but I feel like they're getting old enough to handle the idea that sometimes they win an argument and sometimes they don't.

Anyway, thanks -- it's helpful to have more ideas of specific language I can use.

 

i have a master negotiator also - it drives me nuts - i pretty much do what stacy does but that doesn't always stop her - i often end up asking "who is the boss in this house?" - this is something we've had for the while - it's kind of a "because i said so" but more of a i'm in charge and i get to make the decisions - you don't!

 

This is an issue at our house as well especially with my DS. We recently started going to a counselor and are starting to work our way through a parenting program and this (what Stacy said) is exactly what she suggests. A 4 yr. old does not need to know the rationale and explanation for each and everything you say. They need to trust you that you know best and respect you by not thinking they will change your mind by bugging you over and over again. You can really get pulled into explaining it over and over again and in different ways, but in the end if I say "no" to something there is a good reason and we just don't need to argue about it or spend the next 20 mins. "discussing it" in the fun fashion that a 4 yr. old "discusses". We'll see how this goes. I can really get trapped in the cycle with Gabe b/c he will go on and on and on and he never really gets what he's asking for, but I think that the attention he gets from it has rewarded this behavior.

 

I say, "I understand that you want to ____. I have said no. I am finished talking to you about this." and I stick to it.

 

I tell them, "No means No" Then I give them a warning that if they ask again they will go to time-out and that is where they go immediately if they ask again. I used to let them argue with me a bit, then they started arguing/begging with other people (at church, etc) when they would tell them they didn't have something (gum or candy) and so I started being more strict about it. Arguing/begging with me is one thing, but to argue or beg with someone outside of the family is a complete no, no, which is what it was starting to lead to.

 

I say "Asked and answered." Then I start counting for 1-2-3 Magic. I get to 2 and they go away for the most part.