Nervous and feeling like a failure

I've made an appt. with a counselor to help us with our DS and his behavior. Well, our behavior too b/c I know we don't react the right way to it and I am easy to get upset and yell. I feel like I've failed him b/c I should know what to do or how to act. Well, I should not be responding the way I do and that's what I feel like a failure about I guess. My Mom is going to watch DD while I take him to the appt. so that they don't go nuts while I try to talk to the counselor. I'm nervous about the whole thing and then I 2nd guess myself and say that he's a normal 4 yr. old boy. And then there are days like the last 3 or 4 where his behavior is awesome and everything is right in the world. I just want him to be happy and for the rest of the family to not suffer when we have these issues.

 

:hug:'s Melissa. Please don't feel like a failure, you aren't at all. We all have things that make us feel like that at times, I think it comes with the territory. :hug: I think you did a good thing by going to a counselor and I hope she can help you all out. :hug: :hug: :hug: Let us know what she suggests.

 

Melissa, you are soooo doing the right thing. I completely understand how you feel, but you are doing the right thing by addressing it now! I waited too long and didn't take anyone's advice and I wish I had the time back. Luke's behavior escalated in school and he was out of control. We waited until 3rd grade to do anything about it and we are still dealing with big issues. You are a great mom for recognizing that you need help and you are far from a failure. Feeling guilty is a natural response, but you are doing what is best for your son and your family. At the very least, if the counselor determines that he is behaving normally, then they can give you tips on how to react (or not react) to his behavior. I wish I had been smart enough to see a counselor who could have given me tips and strategies to deal with Luke's behavior when he was little. Hang in there, you're headed in the right direction!! :hug:

 

:hug: Melissa. You are not a failure. We all have times when we feel like we have let our kids down. I think it is human nature to want to be perfect in the eyes of our kids. But we arent. Let yourself off the hook. You are doing a great job by recognizing that you and he need help and you are getting it! :hug:

 

:hug: I think you are doing the right (and brave) thing taking your DS to a counselor to see if there is something you can do about DS's behavior and how you handle it :hug: We all want to do right by our children, but all we can do is our best. Hang in there and keep us posted :hug:

 

I think it is great that you are going to see a counselor for some advice. You are definately headed in the right direction. Alot of people wouldn't even ask for help or at the very least admit they need it. You should win an award for taking that step! Best of Luck. :grouphug:

 

I could have written this post, except that we waited until my DD was six to finally go this route. The issues started at 3 and we thought there were many "normal" reasons for the behaviour problems. I remember thinking at 4 1/2 that I'd give it til she turned 5 to see an improvement. We did see an improvement for a few months but then she started K and things went downhill. She has her second visit with the therapist this week.

I just heard the author of "The Explosive Child" speak and he said a lot of wonderful things. I haven't read the book yet but will. I'm hopeful that she can learn some strategies to deal with her emotions and that we can learn some strategies to better "deal with" her (for lack of better words...). I wish the same for you!

I appreciate the post that said they wish they had looked for help earlier. I sometimes feel like I'm overreacting, then she'll do something and I'll wonder why we didn't get help sooner. As much guilt as I also have I think at least we're trying to do something to help her and to make our home life happier.

 

Thank you ladies. I appreciate all the nice words and encouragement. Gabe is kind of an explosive child. He also has a bit of sensory stuff (doesn't like tags, jeans, is a gagger at times, etc.), although this isn't as much of an issue as it once was and it was never severe. He can be the sweetest boy and really tries hard, but can get into these cycles where he is just explosive and doesn't know how to control his emotions and they end up as a screaming, kicking, hitting, crying fit and if put in his room he does the same thing, but throws things. If I can stay calm (not easy), it does help to not escalate it, but when he starts physically hurting me or breaking things I get pissed. The thing is, he has NO behavior issues at school. I've asked so many times and he's a great kid at school. So, in a way I'm thankful that it's not showing up there b/c then he'd be having issues there too. But like I said before, he'll have days like the last 3 or 4 that make you say "This kid is so sweet and has such a great personality" and he loves to cuddle with me and loves one on one time (rarely has these issues when he's one on one with one of us). I've been keeping a list going of my concerns and some things that set him off and how I've handled it so that I won't be trying to think of things or examples on the spot.

Thanks again you guys. It means a lot.

 

If your child has sensory problems and does well at school then it maybe just that he feels he can hold it well together while there and then feels safe with you. Which is hard for you because then I am sure you feel like you aren't doing anything right by him and what you are doing is all wrong. My son does this to a degree and I understand. I think you are doing the right thing as well. How we react does impact their behavior to a point. You are a strong woman!

 

I so respect you for getting some help now. You are a great mom for looking for the signs and listening to others. It is hard not to know what is just "normal" child behaviour and what needs an expert for advice. I hope you find a great person to help you work through this rough patch.

Heather

 

You are most certainly not a failure. I say this because you recognize that there *might* be a problem and are taking an effort to get it corrected now instead of waiting. This is fabulous! Keep your chin up. Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world, but you can do this. The counselor might have some tips on how to handle various situations with your son as well.

 

Big :hug: Melissa!!!!! You are certainly not a failure! I hope that the therapist can give you both some ideas and help out. Hang in there!! :wub:

 

I hope your visit when well and I hope you found a professional that was helpful.

Heather

 

Well, it went ok. I made it through the entire hour without crying until the last 5 mins. Oh well. Gabe was not a happy camper while there and she did get to see how a lot of his outbursts start out. He didn't go full out, but he did start with "out, out, out, out...." for a good 15 mins. and she had to remove him from the door. He didn't want to do any of her activities, but honestly she didn't have much and she wanted him to play by himself while we talked about him. I felt pretty comfortable with her and I told her that I had seen a counselor when they were little and my older DD was just under 3 and the therapist wanted to do a lot of searching to help me figure out why I was behaving the way I was and blah blah blah. Well, that's all and good to look into my past and my childhood, but when I need immediate help I need some strategies to help me get through the day now. She totally agreed and said that is her philosophy. She wants to work with me on a parenting program that she uses and along with that she recommends 123 Magic. I have that book b/c I bought it off e-bay about a month ago, but haven't started reading it yet. So, she'll be working with me mostly and each week we'll review the previous week's goal(s) and see how things went and what could use some tweeking. She told me I didn't have to Gabe each time if it's easier and also that if I bring him to bring some of his toys/activities to do in the room with us. I have to say, he had about a full week of hardly any issues. It was awesome. The last couple of days he's had a couple of issues, but honestly they were diffused a lot quicker than they ever have and we haven't really gotten into the parenting program yet. He started with good behavior about 4 days prior to our appt. and she said since he was on a role that she wanted me to focus this week on lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement. We go back on Tues. to learn about "step 1". I wish DH could come with me, but he works M-F and nothing she has for appts. fit into his schedule. Oh well. I can say that you can tell the stress level in the house is way down, so that's awesome. Sorry to ramble.

 

Glad you have a starting point. :hug:

 

So awesome, Melissa! Sounds like things are on the right track!! Keep being positive, it will all work out.

 

I think the fact that you've been caring and proactive enough to make an appointment with a counsellor says you're a GOOD parent. I admire you and I hope you and your son can learn some skills to make your house a more peaceful place to be.

 

First off, congratulations for taking a step in figuring this out. I think many people struggle on their own rather than try to get help because that would mean admitting a problem. I hope things improve for everyone.

I assume all people (kids and adults) do this to a degree. Let's face it, we can keep our selves together (ie, socially acceptable) for only so long before we blow our top. For most of us the daily grind doesn't feel so, well, grinding. But for some people a day is too long. My kids are almost always very well behaved in public, and the glowing reports from school make me wonder if they have mixed my kid up with someone elses because at home they let it all hang out. :headbang: Which is good, I guess, because they know the house is a safe place and we will love them no matter what.

 

Melissa, how did you go about finding this person? I have similar issues with both my boys (the twins...not the 4 month old...yet ). Will, in particular, is prone to outburts, etc. I tried going to someone about 1.5 years ago but it wasn't much of a help. I don't think it was a good match. It actually wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Anyways, I'm glad the 1st day went well for you. You're doing the right thing.

I remember being so desperate I paid to attend a parenting class ("active parenting") when I was pg with Becca. I was the only one not COURT ORDERED to be there. Geesh. Made me feel juuuuust great (sarcasm). The good thing was it made me realize that I'm totally normal. Bad thing was it didn't help me at all.

 

I called the mental health number on the back of our health insurance card. They gave me 3 or 4 places to call in our town that they are contracted with. The first place I called, they weren't able to fit us in for 3 weeks. Plus, once they gave me the therapist's name I said "no thanks" b/c she was the same therapist I went to after the twins were born and she was no help. We just didn't click and I didn't feel I was getting anything out of it. So, I called this place and she was one of their counselors that deals with peds. The only thing I was kind of surprised about was that she didn't have a lot of kids activities in her room, but they may have been hiding behind the couch too. But, she does a lot of work with parents too. I like her enough so far. Tomorrow is our 2nd appt. and I am going alone so that I can actually talk to her without the craziness.

 

That's kind of my take on it too. It doesn't bother him in school and he probably feels safe enough at home to let it out. lol She actually asked me how I feel about him behaving so well at school and then us having these issues at home. I told her that in a way I was thankful that I was not getting phone calls a lot from school or worrying about him getting into it with other kids or the teachers. On the other hand, it makes me feel a little bit like chopped liver b/c I'm probably the one person that loves him the most in this world and then he treats me so rotten sometimes. She said to just keep an eye on the sensory thing b/c it doesn't seem to be impacting his daily life too much at this point, but we could have him evaled through the school district if we notice it having more of an effect on him.

 

I just wanted to give a quick plug for 1-2-3 Magic. It really is a great program. It requires the adults to be disciplined enough to be consistent, so I'd suggest you have your mom or anyone else who helps take care of him to read it, too. Good luck and congratulations on being willing to step out for your son's sake. :friends:

 

You are certainly NOT a failure. In fact you are the exact opposite of that because you are being proactive. Parenting is so incredibly hard. Its really difficult not to get upset when these little people are screaming at you or even hitting you or breaking things.

My DH and I are psychologists and he worked in our child inpatient unit of our psychiatry department for years as the behavioral specialist. He is the epitome of patience and calm detachment when disciplining my girls. But even now and then they push his buttons and he tells them "I'm getting frustrated and angry by your behavior." I get angry sometimes too and I've yelled more than I like. I am trying DH's approach though by saying calmly how I'm feeling. I also give myself Mommy time outs.

I read 1-2-3 magic, and there is nothing "magic" about it. Its just about not getting into the power struggle with your kids, and not giving them negative attention. As you already observed things escalate if you react with emotion. However, reacting without emotion is one of the most difficult things to do (for me at least).

It sounds like the first meeting with your counselor went really well. Best of luck with your second meeting.

 

Here in Australia they have parenting classes you can attend and they've started one for twins since most of the people signing up for the classes WERE twin parents. Heck, the super Nanny always has mostly twins on her show. I think the kids wear us down and we don't have the energy to deal with them sometimes.

Heather