Bonding Issues

So I'm finding it a little bit harder to bond with two babies at once probably because it is a little bit harder right? I'm just one & there's two of them. (plus a 5 year old) And this is my second time around the block being mommy so I'm just going to assume that because all of my affection & attention isn't going to just one of them I feel bad. It's easy when there's just one screaming baby to hold! So really I just need to hear that these feelings are normal. I feel like all the time I'm dealing with one or the other & don't get enough "special" time with each one. With my first son I'd spend hours holding & cooing him but now there's just not time! And I feel bad because I feel like the only time I hold each of them is to feed or change a butt or burp ect. but just tell me I am only one person! Tell me that this is just how it is or how you can pull it off.

 

You arent alone. I feel more bonded to one baby then the other, still do and they are 3 months now. My bigger twin nursed as soon as he was born, my smaller one had to spend 3 days in the NICU, and I didnt get to hold him until he was 2 days old. Then he was sick and in the hospital for 2 weeks, and he does not nurse at all. Add in my 2 yr old, and I dont have as much time to spend with either one, but I feel especially bad towards William as I dont feel as close ot him as Nathaniel. It is better then what it was, but not the same. I have been told it does take time, and with 2 it's not easy. Just now you are not alone.

 

Part of being a twin is learning to deal with the fact that you cannot have mommy's attention all the time. But in exchange, you get a best friend forever that you get to grow up with. Definitely worth the trade off, in my book.

I always deal with the twin with the more priority need first--in pain, wet clothes, dirty diaper, hungry, needs to burp, fussy--in that order. So they both get their fair share of attention, just not always right when they immediately want it. But, I can still talk to the one I'm holding to soothe him/her. And I make sure to have a fun toy in the PNP or on the bouncy seat to occupy the one who has to wait.

 

I think it is normal. I love each of them differently and for different reasons. That being said, it is nothing like what I feel for my 5 year old.

 

The first two months with the boys was rough and I was really scared that I was never going to love them the way I love my older two. Somewhere along the way things just got better and now my boys are the loves of my life. I do still miss nursing one baby, but double the kisses and double the grins help me feel better about that.

 

Yup its hard...in the beginning I felt like I was always holding the fussy baby and staring at the other one. I've bonded with both boys but its just that whole feeling of "I don't have enough arms on my body or hours in the day" type thing!

 

Totally normal...all of it. The twins were my firsts so I didn't know what it was like to only have one baby to bond with, but NOW, I do. It IS different...it just is. You are in survival mode with twins...and one is bound to be more dependent on you, and you have to take care of whichever needs you, kinda leaving the other to fend for him/herself. I would go through spurts, and still do, where I feel a little closer to one girl than the other. Its not that I love one more than the other AT ALL...but one girl needs me more at times than the other, and I spend that time taking care of her and maybe feeling a little closer to her, and then the roles reverse for a little while. And now that I have a little singleton, I'm taking every moment in...I honestly can't remember alot of the details of the first six months of the twins lives...I mean I remember the big stuff, but mostly, I was just trying to survive. I think all of us do the best job we can meeting the needs of our children and loving them the best way we know how...as long as we are doing that, that's all we can do, right?

 

Totally normal. You are only one person trying to meet the needs of 3 kids. It's tough.

Yes!! This was exactly me. But I can tell you that as they get older and more independent they are starting to get on the same plane as my 5YO

 

Thanks for posting this. I definitely have not bonded with my two like I did with my first yet. I feel terribly guilty all the time because as soon as I start to spend quality time with one, the other starts fussing. Or honestly, I often don't even WANT to spend quality time because I NEED to take a shower or do other essential stuff around the house and then I feel like a terrible person because I leave them staring at an activity center while they are wide awake. When I first had the twins I thought, "what's all the fuss about, this is easy!" Now it is getting harder every day. I know it will get easier though!

 

It's totally normal. And be prepared for the one you are more bonded with to vary between the two as they get older. It's so worrisome when they are tiny, but you realize as they get older that they aren't suffering from sharing your affection. And, as a PP said, they get that built in playmate for life. They, and you, will be fine. I promise!

 

Definitely normal to feel over extended and I have told friends that what I miss the most having had twins and not a singleton is that I never really got cuddle time or time to just sit and coo (we are strict schedulers and there was always someone more in need than the other for something other than fun time). Now, though I look at my 18 month olds who play so well on their own, who understand somewhat that they don't always get mom's attention, and who have figured out how to deal with some things that they may have otherwise run to me with and I think it is great that they learned such a valuable lesson (independence, patience, sharing to some extent) early on. Like PP said, too, the trade-off isn't bad at all and as they get older I am already starting to notice that they enjoy having the other around (most of the time) and I'm sure looking back they would rather have that then rocking time before they were even aware of anything. Just my $0.2!

 

I often feel the same way myself - I take care of them on my own during the day and it's getting harder and harder to hold them both at the same time. I wish I could hold them more but I just try and do my best and realize that I only have one set of arms. I am also thankful that both sets of grandparents live in the same city and are over quite often so when that happens they get lots of one-on-one cuddle time. Plus when my DH gets home in the evening they definitely get more one-on-one time so hopefully they are not too deprived. Try not to be too hard on yourself and rejoice in the fact that you are doing such a great job!

 

Thank you guys! I just feel so bad sometimes it's great to know it's not just me. Twins are great but stressful!

 

I am experiencing the same thing. I had Athan with me for an hour before they brought Claire in and he loves to nurse and she doesn't. I feel closer to him and I nurse him at night while my husband bottlefeds Claire. I feel guilty about it, too.

My sister just had her first baby two weeks before I had the twins and she is just in heaven. It's awful but I bathe the twins about once a week or sooner if they make a mess. She bathes her baby every other day and brushes his hair and she knows exactly when he eats, how much, when he needs a nap, what little games he likes to play. Yesterday she took him to a pet store to watch the fish swim around.

I have twice as many babies as she does but I'm sort of jealous of her! She's having a normal, happy baby experience. I had PTL, a hospital stay, home bed rest for 6 1/2 weeks... A not-so fun pregnancy and now we are just in survival mode. She thinks it's odd that I can't remember which baby ate what and when and that I don't bathe them all the time. I tried keeping track of what they eat and when but it's just too crazy. I just figure if they are hungry, they'll let me know and as long as they are gaining weight and growing, I guess they are getting enough!

I wanted babies so badly and we did IVF. But I feel like I've been jipped of a normal pregnancy/birth/baby experience. And it doesn't help to watch my sister having so much fun. I am totally happy for her but I'm jealous. And it doesn't help to hear her say that they were disappointed when they found out that they were only having one, but after seeing me with twins, they are glad and only want one baby at a time.