How would you respond....? Need some advice

I will warn you before reading this that my post may bother you.. but I really need some advice..

My husband and I had our 28 week scan this morning and I called our moms to tell them the great news that our girls are doing well. After I had finished telling my MIL about the great news she proceeded to tell me in graphic detail about an extremely gruesome nightmare she had had about our twins not being born alive- the details of which I will not go into. Even after I had told her repeatedly to stop telling me about the nightmare, she continued going on and on about it.

Both my husband and I were appalled that she would do that and for some reason I am having an awfully hard time letting it go (maybe I'm just being extremely hormonal!). She's a wonderful woman, but I cannot fathom why she would repeat this- especially given our history that she is very well aware of: We had a m/c about a year and a half ago at 10 weeks after having 2 wonderful ultrasounds with a heartbeat. We got pregnant again with what turned out to be a persistent ectopic, which took 2 shots of methotrexate and 2 emergency surgeries and a loss of my fallopian tube... not to mention the rounds of fertility treatments that we have gone through to conceive these twins.. needless to say, I have been a nervous wreck throughout this pregnancy!!

Am I being overly sensitive? I want to have a great relationship with my MIL, but it's these types of things that she says that make me feel very guarded about our pregnancy and our twins! What would you do?

 

Honestly I wouldn't say anything to her. Cry with your DH or write down and then throw out what you would *like* to say to her but she probably said it to you bc it possibly bothered her just as much and maybe one of those things "if I tell you it won't come true" superstitions.

(HUGS) I wish she would have stopped after you asked her to though!

 

I agree that she probably wasn't being malicious. I bet it bothered her so much that she felt like she needed to share it to get it off her mind and chest. However, I also agree that she should have respectfully stopped telling you about it when you asked. I'm so sorry you now have that on your mind but you should trust in your doctors and your own personal instincts. If she tries to tell you about it again just let her know that you don't want any negativity and if she proceeds to keep telling the story you are going to hang up the phone. Surely she would understand.

*hugs*

 

I think that's a good idea. I can understand how much her saying that hurt you. :hug: If anything, maybe your DH can tell her how hurt you were by the conversation, she may not realize and he can probably keep his emotions in check a little bit better at this point (what with all those raging pregnancy hormones you have).

Sounds like you are doing great otherwise!!

 

I would tell my dh how bad it scared me and have him tell her. I have had a previous mc AND and ectopic and I am sorry but what she did was just plain mean whether she meant to be or not. I do not think you are being hormonal at all. It bothered me for you and I am not pregnant. I am sure she did not mean to scare you but she needs to be told that it did and not to do it again. I am sure that the dream scared her so bad that she felt like she had to share it. But she needs to be told not to share things like that with you right now. This can be done in a nice way so that you can still have a great relationship with her.

CONGRATULATIONS on your girls!!! :wub: :wub:

 

yeah i agree with your husband telling her how upsetting it was.

If she tries anything like this again i'd tell her to suck it.

So no, in my opinion you are not being overly sensitive.

 

No, you are not being overly sensitive. I lost a set of twins at almost 10 weeks. I had several ultrasounds and like you had seen their heartbeats before we lost them. I had a singleton a year later, then this past July had another miscarriage. I am currently 4 wks pregnant (just found out today) and am a nervous wreck. My babies are the result of a lot of financially & emotionally expensive fertility treatments. So, I can totally relate to your situation & I cannot imagine someone being so thoughtless as to say something like that! Perhaps she felt the need to tell someone about it so she could stop thinking about it and feel better???? Regardless, telling you was completely out of line. She could have talked about it with a friend or your FIL. She should have known better and definitely should have stopped talking about it when you asked her to. I think I would have had to hang up when she didn't. I'm sorry she was so thoughtless. Take comfort in knowing that your babies are safe and soon you will be holding them in your arms. {hugs}

 

I think it was extremely rude of her to tell you about her nightmare given your pregnancy history and even without that I still think it was really rude and I personally would have been pi$$ed too. I would tell my DH to let her know how badly her nightmare hurt me and made me worry even more. If she felt the need to get it off her chest she should have told someone else like her DH or a friend instead of giving you another reason to worry. I tend to be a worrier and I absolutely hate it when people would talk about bad things happening to babies when I was pregnant because that would cause me to worry even more. I'm sorry she was so inconsiderate. Congratulations on you precious babies!!

 

I second having your DH gentely tell her how much this upset you and that you are all worried about the babies but we need to be positive

 

1.) You are not out of line to be upset. This would upset any pregnant lady, much less anyone who has suffered a miscarriage. After that experience, it's hard to be blissfully unaware of the risks of pregnancy (I've been there myself!).
2.) This needs to not happen again. I would suggest email or a letter letting her know that you asked her to stop discussing this topic. You will not be available to discuss it again. If she persists in discussing it in the future, you will discontinue communication at that time (hang up, etc).
3.) If she has concerns about your health in the future, she can take them up with your DH.

Protect yourself from this- it's harassment by a well-intentioned person.

Congrats on your pregnancy. I look forward to reading your birth story and seeing you in the first year forum (when appropriate! )

 

I definitely don't think you're being overly sensitive. Even if she wasn't telling you to be malicious I still believe she should have kept that to herself. I've had 2 m/cs and even without them I would still be angry. That is simply not something you share with a pregnant mom, OR dad. Maybe the thought of your two previous pregnancies were making her have this dream. STILL not something I'd share, though. I'm sorry :hug:

 

Thank you so much ladies for your support! I felt bad even posting this question, but I just couldn't quit thinking about it. My DH is going to talk to her- my guess is that she will tell him about her nightmare too before he says a word about it. I should have gently told her right then that it was inappropriate and not to talk about it again, but I guess hindsight is 20/20. I guess my fear is that we have our first shower coming up a week from saturday and I feel that if we don't talk to her before then that she will bring it up to everyone at the shower. I'm not typically a confrontational or emotional person, but I do think that would send me over the edge- which I know would change my relationship with her completely.

 

I am sorry, but I can not think of one single good reason to tell a pregnant women about a dream that involves her babies being still born...that's horrible, and totally insensitive. ESPECIALLY since you were calling with such great happy news. What she did was very out of line, and I am sorry. Someone really should tell her how inappropriate that is to do to someone, especially with what you have already been through. This post made me angry for you!
Oh and I would totally lose it if she brought it up at your shower, dh needs to see to it that that does not happen.
If she was upset and distrubed by it that's one thing, but what did she think she would gain by sharing it with you? If she couldnt get over her dream and how it made her feel she should have shared it with someone else, ANYONE else! Good grief!

 

Wow--that is just awful, I'm so sorry. I was thinking about what I would do if my MIL said that to me (and I have not gone through a m/c or any of the difficult things you have) and I would be SO upset. So I can only imagine the impact her words had on you.
I agree with the PPs about having your DH say something to her. Just something like, "Mom, I know that dream probably really upset you but we are so nervous (or whatever) about this pregnancy and really trying to only focus on the positive so if you could keep those things to yourself, we would really appreciate it". Personally, I would have DH focus on telling her that "we" feel this way so you're presenting a united front (and I know you and DH feel the same way about it anyway) and she doesn't think it's just you being sensitive.
And I would have him do this before your shower. You're right, you never know if she's going to decide to repeat that story to someone else....you don't want to be in that position. In the meantime, you're doing great! And just keep telling yourself that what she told you doesn't mean anything.

 

I don't think she was thinking when she told you about her dream. Also it was a dream nothing more. Don't let that bother you. Sometimes people forget how a story can hurt another. I have had this happen to me numerous times. When I was like 35+wks preg with my 1st a family member called to tell me about so n so who lost her baby due to a cord wrap at like 37wks. OK can you say I didn't worry until the day I had my son. Then this time my bff calls me one week before my Big u/s to tell me so n so just had her anotomy scan to find the baby didn't have kidney's. It was all I could think of until I had my u/s scan. People just don't think sometimes!!!! PLus people forget just how emotional a preg woman can be and twins whoa on the hormones watch out people. lol
ETA: I forgot to say. I would say something or have your husband say something to MIL. Just a gentle reminder a preg woman does NOT want to hear anything bad at all about babies while preg. I also wonder if she told you all that because the dream scared her to? Even though you were not the person to share the dream with at all. (hugs)

 

No, you are not being overly sensitive at all. It was very insensitive of your MIL to tell you that and keep going after you told her to stop. :hug: I'm sorry you had to hear that. :hug:


If it were me I would have my DH talk to her and tell her how much it upset us.

 

Well, my DH talked to her and I thought I'd update... When my husband brought it up to her she proceeded to tell the story to him. He then stopped her and she said she had no idea it upset me and thought I was just joking when I kept telling her to stop telling me the story. She insists that she just thought it was a weird dream. My husband said he didn't feel like she really understood that we were bothered by it, so before they got off the phone he reiterated that we're trying really hard to keep positive and these types of things really upset us. She said she understood and that she would never have wanted to upset me. Maybe I overreacted, but I feel like at least she knows and I'm hoping it will prevent her from repeating it at my shower next weekend.

 

You are not being overly sensitive. . . She's being overly INSENSITIVE.

I know you want to have a good relationship with her, and I think the best way to maintain a polite, respectful relationship in this case might be to keep her in the dark about some things and not feel you have to share with her. When you make yourself too vulnerable to her, it opens the door for ruining a relationship. Especially when the other person is insensitive and wants too many details. A healthy relationship is not always a completely transparent thing. . . there have to be boundaries. For the sake of all, it's best to avoid involving her too much in the details.

And if she ever tries this stunt again, you just need to say with a smile, "I hear my other phone ringing, talk to you later!" Or, "I need to go! Talk to later, have a great day!" Or how about, "I really don't want to hear that. Let's talk about positive things!"

If that offends her, then you have every right to avoid conversing with her.

 

DH & I lost twin girls at 23w4d, 10 years ago now. My parents & sister attended the delivery & my family were the ones who fell apart. DH & I spent 2 weeks after we left the hospital keeping ourselves under control because everyone else was a mess. All this while I had lost a lot of blood, was passing large clots, neither of us were sleeping & had an almost 4 yr old to be taken care of. When we talk about it now we realize that none of them meant to be that way, but at the time they were absolutely no help. DH's older sister became our saving grace. She immediately arrived from out of state & began washing, cooking & cleaning & occupying our son. I honestly believe we were in shock for 2 weeks straight. And I finally broke down in the driveway out of the blue a couple days later & cried for awhile.
We ended up having another son 18 months later, with our wonderful Dr.Then I found out I was pregnant again one week before his 1st bday,and I got to announce "It's a girl!" to the whole room.
I found out on Sept. 11th that we're pregnant again! I told DH this could be multiples, & he said "Yeah, but it won't be." I repeated myself twice & he responded that way twice. DH got quite a shock when my prediction was correct, but is very happy.
We made our announcement to family & friends on FB. MIL commented "God replaces what the locust had eaten away!" She doesn't understand what it's like & never will. My family got offended at her comment,but DH & I really don't care about that.We have had to ignore comments about carrying to term, my weight gain, how "everything bad in pregnancy seems to happen to me", it's never ending.
I think you & your DH are extremely strong-in yourselves, as a couple, and in just keeping positive. I realize now that DH & I became stronger, a closer couple, better parents, and better friends to others.
I'm sorry to write such a book, but I hope you know how well you handle yourself, how your positive attitude is a blessing to others. Tomorrow I'm 27 weeks & counting! And I'll stay positive!

 

Thank you so much for telling your story. I can't imagine the heartbreak with the loss of your twin girls. Congratulations on 27 weeks! What an amazing blessing!!! I think you are totally right in your thoughts about becoming closer as a couple, staying positive, and ignoring comments like those. I know that the memory of your girls will always be so precious and I think we honor our little ones that we lost by staying positive and letting ourselves experience the joy of the little ones to come.

 

My mother-in-law insisted that baby B would be born mentally deficient, because he would be the second one out. every time she would bring it up, i would tell her i did not want to talk about it, and if she continued i would leave/hang up. after walking our of her house and driving away, and a few hang-ups she got the message.

 

I think if she brings it up again you should be brutally honest with how you feel about what she is saying. Otherwise I think it's wiser to just vent privately and let it go. Sometimes moms/MILs just have a hard time keeping their mouths shut. My mom will often tell me dreams or news stories continuing them past the point when I have said, "Mom please, I don't want to hear this right now." So if it's really bothersome I'll just keep loudly repeating myself, "don't want to hear this." until she stops. It's just not helpful to hear other people's premonitions when there is nothing you can do about it!

As far as the other poster's MIL mentioning the 'locusts taking away' I hope she realizes this is a reference to scripture, and to me would be less offensive than the dream premonition. There are lots of scriptures about God restoring what has been taking away...references to what Job went through, etc. So I think in her case her MIL really did mean well...that God saw her loss and saw fit to help heal the wound by blessing her with twins again. And I think probably many moms who have lost twins would greatly rejoice to have a chance to have them again. Obviously it would never truly take away the pain of losing other children, but it might help bring a little closure.