We've finally found something that works!

Anna has always been strong-willed. This lands her in trouble a lot! She talks back like she's 14 instead of 4 and tells us "no" all the time. We've tried various discipline techniques, but nothing ever really prevented the inevitable meltdown when she didn't get her way. We were consistent with all the techniques for the duration of time we used them, but she is one stubborn cookie!

It got worse than ever right before Christmas. I swear she was in trouble every day, several times a day, and life was miserable! We were very close to not giving her any toys because she was being so bad! The thing is, I know she wanted to be good and I desperately wanted to praise her for doing good, but during that time there was honestly not a single thing she did that deserved praise. Everything was done with a lousy attitude and a smart mouth. One day, I sat her down and told her that this couldn't go on. I knew she wanted to be a good girl and not get in trouble all the time, but things had to change. I promised to tell her every time she was being good so that she would know what it looked like and she could keep doing those things. I think actually telling her that I would be praising her made her want to do things to earn praise. Right away she started improving and I was able to find things to praise. Since then, I have made a point to praise even the smallest things and the number of blow-ups has lessened dramatically. But, I still never found a way to diffuse the situation once it started. Once she was mad, watch out!

Finally, I've seemed to stumble on something that works. I know a great deal of it is dependent on her age and the fact that she is able to understand reason. But, now when she starts rebelling, I am often able to diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand simply by reminding her that she has a choice to make. She can choose to disobey us or she can choose to be a good girl and do what we say.

Here's how I discovered it: The other day she was in bed for her nap and she had a sleeping mask I had given her to play with that came with a pair of my PJs. She wanted to wear it to bed, but I told her to take it off because it might get wrapped around her neck and choke her. I told her I'd put it in the other room and she could play with it after her nap. She started with, "No! I want to wear it!" with pursed lips and arms crossed. In the past this would have led to a two-hour screaming fit when she didn't get her way. I'm really not exaggerating and I swear we don't spoil her! We never give in when this starts, so there is no reason she would think it works. Doesn't matter. She wants her way and, if she doesn't get it, she will make everyone else miserable.

Instead, I simply said to her, "Anna, I want you to think about this. You can choose to fight with me and be bad or you can choose to be a good girl and give Mommy the mask and go to sleep. I'll let you think about it while I tuck Bubby in and I hope you will make the right decision." I turned and tucked her brother in and when I looked back, she was smiling and holding out the mask for me to take. I smiled, gave her a hug and told her that I was very proud of her for choosing to be a good girl! I can't tell you the shock that I felt when this happened. I had prepared myself for hours of screaming and a miserable day.

Since then, presenting the choice with the added, "I know you know how to be a good girl. I hope you choose to do the right thing," has worked almost unfailingly!!! There have even been a few times when a simple, "Anna, I want you to think about this" has worked. I haven't yelled in 2 weeks and today was the first time since then that I have had to put her in TO (she didn't sleep very well last night, so she is cranky and got into a fight with her brother).

Like I said, I know a lot of this is because she is now able to understand reason and I'm sure part of it is because she knows that praise is coming when she chooses correctly. But, who would have thought that after all the things we've tried just spelling out her choice would work?! DH has picked up on it, too, and has started using this technique. I can't tell you how much it has improved our home!!!

 

Woohoo for positive reinforcement AND for her understanding that being good is rewarding

 

Awesome Stacy!!! :clapping:

I have done choices with my girls for a while now and find that it REALLY REALLY works!! They don't usually "choose" to throw a fit when you actually offer it to them out loud. :good:

 

wow!! I might see if my 21 month old daughter will understand it... we've got a stubborn girl too! I loved how you explained the situation and she chooses! what a great mom!!

 

:yahoo: I think when mine are a little older, I am going to be copying this from you Stacy!

 

I am definately going to tuck this one away and pull it out someday! :good: Congratulations on your new and improved home enviroment and thanks for sharing!!

 

We've been trying to do the same thing around here. There's one thing that I try to do b/c I read it somewhere and it seemed to make sense. When I'm working with Gabe (he's my tough kid), I try use the words "bad behavior", "good behavior" rather than "good/bad boy". I wanted him to know that it was his behavior I was upset by and didn't approve of, not necessarily him. Does that make sense? It can be hard to keep consistent, but I do find when I give more choices during the day, the behavior is definately better b/c they feel more in control of what they are doing. So glad your DD is responding well, that is awesome! We went through 2 week period where I didn't yell and everyone's behavior was so awesome. This past week though, man alive! I think since we all got sick everyone's just gotten nasty and fallen back into old ways. Thanks for giving me that kick that I need to start giving my choices again.

 

LOVE this!! I'm definitely taking that approach. I do say "good girl" but haven't said "bad girl" and struggle with what I could be saying.

 

That's Great Stacy!!

Stacy, that sounds like my youngest, Kyle. We have yet to find anything that works for him. We talk about choices ALL THE TIME and he even talks about how he made a "bad choice" etc. (we say good choice bad choice instead of behavior) the problem is, he doesn't seem to care. I do think that recently he is starting to get a little better. I am hoping it is his age and it is all starting to mean something more to him.

 

:Clap: Stacy! We started doing something very similar with Lauren. I actually got the idea from the book, Raising the Spirited Child. She loves to please us and gets so happy when we tell her how proud we are of her good behavior. She has been a real charm lately!!

 

my son is starting to get a little rebelious and your idea sounds fantastic! I'm glad this has worked for you and that things are improving!!

 

I'm reading "Parent Talk" by Chick Moorman. It give sample sentences to say and things NOT to say and the reasons why. There was one similar to what you explained. Might be a book you could check out at the book store and see if is for you.

I've found too many books say "what not to do" but dont' tell you how to say it, which is the first part of changing the behaviour of the child is what YOU say to them not just the theory.

Heather