Asking and accepting help

Guess I'm chatty lately

We have no family help (my family lives 18 hours away and the ILs don't help) but I have a few friends who have offered to help and I always politely turn them down even though I desperately need it. The only time I have accepted help from friends was when hubby went out of town when the babes were 2 months old and friends came over and brought me dinner and helped hold babies in the evenings.

I should say I don't have many friends but most of the ones I do have came from my last mommy and me classes so they all have 19.5 month olds like I do too. So when they offer to help I know they'd need to bring their kids and I just figure it would be even worse for them since it would be even more than I deal with on a daily basis, basically like having twin 19.5 month olds and twin 5 month olds. :wacko: I also have a friend who is from that group who runs a dayhome/pre-K in her house who has offered to help but she is also currently 7 months pregnant on top of having her 19 mo and the dayhome kids!

Now don't get me wrong I'm not besieged with offers of help LOL but just the occasional "if you need anything let me know" type of offers. I did have a lady from the local twins club offer to organize some help for us lately too and politely turned that down for the time being as well.

WHAT THE HE!! IS WRONG WITH ME????

I NEED help but just cannot seem to accept it when people offer. I guess I feel that they couldn't handle it, I am not used to accepting help, I feel bad for them cuz I know its too much for one person, and just feel bad accepting it in general like I should do it myself or don't want a stranger doing a nice thing for me cuz it somehow feels wrong. Am I the ONLY one out there that only would feel right accepting help from family (who can't or won't in this case) or only from paid help (which we can't really afford much of), I mean I must be a glutton for punishment or certifiable but it all just makes me uncomfortable and so I withdraw and just do it myself to my own detriment.

A tiny bit of my problem is that I just don't know what type of help I need and also I'm in a place where I can't really reciprocate and maybe thats why I won't take it cuz I don't want to be the charity case and I don't want to just take and take but right now there's no way to give back KWIM?

Ugh I'm rambling but seriously am I the only weirdo who won't take help from friends or strangers when offered??? I am trying to find a way to gracefully accept the help I need so what (albeit small) thing could I do to thank them if I can get to that point that I can accept it with such limited time to do things?

Yes you are probably thinking :headbang: and well of course that I am :crazy: and some of this :wacko: and I'll be the first to admit that you are right.

 

You're not the only one. Not only do I not ask for help from friends, but I really only feel comfortable asking my family. I won't even ask my IL's. Now, they don't really offer either. It might be different if they were offering all the time. I know when we were in the first year that really most people who tried to help only got in my way. I didn't have a 3rd child at home though. Every once in a while I have a friend who I will ask to watch my girls, but she's a very close friend and I don't ask her very often. It's because I don't want other people to think I'm always asking them for favors I guess, because like you said, I know I can't reciprocate.

 

I have the same problem! I really need help but don't ask! I also have had others offer but turn them down because I feel like I SHOULD be able to handle it. It was nice when they were first born and my mom and MIL just showed up to help without me having to ask but it seems like everyone has forgotten I could still use help. Especially with 5 children all by myself when my hubby works 24 hours. But that is probably the reason I have melt downs and vent to everyone on here way too much! lol

 

I had a hard time with this and then I reached a low point and I finally gave in. No family here but a few friends/acquaintances. No one I was so close to that I wanted them in my house, but again, I finally gave in. Some were helpful, some were NOT, and I didn't invite them back! But for 2 mos a few people just signed up with me to show up and I wasn't prepared, so that was my fault. So the advice I would give is to come up with a task list and whoever is coordinating this (or if it is you) publicize this list and have people commit to coming and doing just that. If they are not comfortable with babies, have them do housework, bring dinner, etc. Hopefully they are comfortable with kids though! Still, this is the toughest toughest thing, but do it anyway! You are not crazy, just in a crazy place right now. And I just had two - you have three! Use that lady from the local twins club. Seriously, who better than folks who know what you are going through. Big hugs to you! :hug:

 

Yep...I know just what you mean! I too HATED to accept help. Mostly b/c I wanted to figure out how to do it on my own. I knew that I wouldn't always have help and I wanted to get our system figured out ASAP. I also realized that none of my family was capapble of caring for the babies on their own for more that an hour! ardon: HOWEVER...there was a time when I accepted help 1-2 times a week for 30min-1hr so I could fix supper, take a 15min walk around the neighborhood, or nap for a few min. I always felt better afterward and was then more able to go it on my own.

Maybe you could start with short amounts of time. It is so overwhelming in the early months...give yourself a break! I realize now that those who have BTDT really just want to help without expecting reciprocation, because they know how it feels to be in your shoes!

GL :friends:

 

I'm the same. I won't ask friends for help unless I'm seriously desperate & I rarely ask Mike's family either. I'm okay with asking my parents & I'm lucky they live close and really like to help me out.

 

I too HATE to ask for help. I didn't ask often, but what I wanted to say is that a lot of times people would ask if they could come by and "help". I'd say okay, just for the adult interaction! They might bring their older kids, and they would find toys or tv to watch, and I could talk to someone! They might even hold a baby for me! Just the change in pace was a beautiful distraction from my day!

While they were here I might get a load of laundry thrown in, or the dishwasher started, just little things that made me feel like I accomplished something. Hope you find something that helps you catch a break. You deserve one!

 

I totally understand what your talking about. I found that my mother in law was the biggest help at the begginging, and some friends yes, my sister helped alot, my mother unfortunatly didn't, but as the months went on people stopped offerening to help but I felt like I needed it more! It was almost like the novelty had worn off and people just didn't want to bother themselfs to look after crying babies. It got really hard for me becuase my husband is one of those guys who thinks hes doing a lot but really isn't. It really got hard and I started to get port partum adjustment as they call it, but then the kids started sleeping better and things started getting better. I found nights were the hardest I would go days without bathing them because I couldn't figure out just how to manage with two, couldn't figure out how to bathe them together, so one would scream in the other room, and I would cry along with them. Thanksfully things have gotten better but I still struggle and need help but I have learned who I can ask and who isn't really worth asking help from.

 

I like to do everything myself. The only person I ask help from is my mom and only when I really need it. When we announced we were expecting twin, a friend down the street had a serious talk with me. She said "suck it up (meaning your pride), you will accept help, I don't care if you want it or not, I wont take no for an answer". She has a 5yr and 3 yr old. One day my hubby was home alone with two screaming babies and he needed to use the "phone a friend option", she was here in 1 minute. Told her kids to park their bums on the couch and not move and helped him feed and sort them out. She pops by on her way to the store to ask if I need anything. She'll call and ask if its feed time, she'll come help feed a baby. She is only ever a phone call away if I need anything. I am grateful that she told me to "suck it up". We have what is called a friend bank. You eventually take out what you put in. We were there for her when she needed her kids watched. We've taken care of their cat while they were away, helped them move. It all evens out in the end. So don't feel like you can't reciprocate, I'm sure somewhere along the line you will. Take the help. It makes people feel good to help other

 

Thanks everyone I am glad I am not alone. This really makes me want to do something once my kids get older, there should be way more help out there for mommies of multiples. Although they'd all be like me and not ask for it.

 

i don't ask for help either. i feel like i can handle this on my own, even though somedays i can't. i just feel like no one can do it better than i can, you know? i know most of it is a trust issue and i know that with regards to feeding no one understands how the boys' are and what to do when they start screaming during the feeds so i'm pretty much the only on that can feed them w/o it take a billion hours.

i just feel like if i have other people help me they will get the boys' all kinds of off track.

 

I had a very hard time asking for help outside of the family, largely because I thought the twins are a lot of work (which they are) and I felt badly about putting that on other people. However, I am getting better about accepting help outside of the family. When my father was dying, my best friend (who has three children) gladly took in and did an excellent job of caring for my two, allowing me and DH to spend as much time with Dad as we could.
So you are not alone in the way that you feel. It's very hard to ask and accept help, especially when you feel like you can not "pay it back" to them.

 

I have always had a hard time asking for help with anything- especially now with twins.

I finally broke down and asked my MIL a few weeks ago to watch my girls while I went to my doctor and dentist appointments. She never called me back.... It made me soo upset. I finally ask for help, and I didn't even get the polite, I'm busy that afternoon. Which is exactly what reinforces me to not ask for help! So I just took them with me, a bit chaotic, but not totally crazy. I have an appointment coming up in the next few weeks that will expose me to some radio active stuff, so this time I asked my girlfriend, who is delighted to come over to watch them for the hour.

 

Ugh NIIICE, makes me mad for you! So sorry! :hug: Your babes will prolly get better care w/your friend anyway. I have a MIL like that, never even watched our 19.5 mo yet so forget about the twins haha. :headbang:

I too feel like no one can do as good a job with them as me or hubby, ugh mommy guilt!

 

Wow terrible MIL! You'd think all these inlaws unwilling to help would enjoy the precious moments they get to spend with their grandkids, guess not Well they won't be getting much for visitors once they are in the old folks home thats for sure!

 

all i've got to say is your so not alone....i'm going through a lot now and never let people help I'm so tired of it all lately! my almost 10m old boys are just about out of their infant seats and are not walking but crawling all over. I'm so stressed just thinking of how to shop, go to appointments for my other children and sports that my other children play...I have 0 help and my Hubby works 24-6. he has Mondays off to help me but I have so many things the rest of the week. :babyflips: :babyflips: :cry:

 

I know eh?! My MIL's MIL is moving to town in a few months...she will get her just rewards when that happens and I can't wait!!! :rotflmbo: :diablo: Hubby and I have already said that we WILL be better grandparents when the time comes! I can't wait to be a grandparent and be able to give them back heehee.

:hug: I am so sorry! It is rather exhausting on top of everythying else to try to figure out how to shop with babies when they move out of their infant seats, I'm not there yet but we are thinking of switching soon and the thought makes me cringe! If I thought it was hard now the logistics of things will get even harder! I am so sorry you don't have help but as it looks like this is your first post here (welcome btw!) at least you have found TS to be able to vent and get encouragement here, it really does help! :hug: