How do you tell your child what the N word means

Okay I live in Alabama and I will tell you that probably 90% of the people here are racist. I don't care how intelligent they seem as soon as they have the opportunity to say something racist they will. I am white by the way, so everyone assumes that because you are white you will agree with them. Well let me get to my specific situation. I have been married to my husband 8 years and my step children were being raised by their racist mom and step dad. (he has a tatoo of a tweetybird flipping the bird with a rebel flag behind it. (I am serious, he really does!) So since the day I met them I have been trying to make them see a different way to look at the world. I forbid the N word to be used in my presence. Anyway today my 5 year old puts his hat on side ways and says "I look like a N". Of course I freak a little and say Gage do you even know what that means. (he knows he is not suppose to say it already)

So my dilema is that I want to discuss it with him and tell him what it means, BUT I worry that if he knows a new insulting word and what it means then the first time he gets mad at a black classmate or something he will use it just because he knows it is an insulting word. So how should I go about this??

 

I would definitely be upfront with him about what it means. Tell him it is a terrible word used by people to demean and belittle African Americans and is just about one of the worst things you can call someone. Reemphasize that you do not want him using that word ever, in your presence or not. If there are certain consequences for using that kind of language, remind him of that. I think it's better that he knows what the word means and the hatred behind its history rather than not knowing for sure what it is. Then, if he does use it, he'll know exactly what he's saying and how serious you think the offense is, so he won't be able to claim he didn't know. Kids are taught from a very young age which words we consider "bad," and I think it's better that they know why we don't like them. I remember when my kids were in preschool, many of their classmates were taught that shut up was a bad word, so my kids asked me if it was. My feeling was that it's not really the same as what I would consider a bad word, so I told them I didn't think it was a bad word, just something that's really not nice to say. It makes me sad when you hear musicians and other African Americans calling each other the N word, like it's no big deal.

 

Thanks that is very good advice! I just don't want him to grow up like so many of the people around here. I want him to be a... well you know a good man who stands up against things like that.

 

I grew up in the South, too, so I know what you mean! If I were you I'd just explain to him in "5 year old terms" about the history of African Americans and why he should never ever use that word.

My Grandma said someone she knew was at the store with their kid when some black folks were behind them and her daughter immediately said "Hey Mama, it's one of them jungle bunnies." That woman was mortified. Her daughter learned it from other family members, but she, herself, had never used the term. So, you do have to shield them quite a bit from people around you that might let their true colors slip.

I just think it's so sad what parents do to their children mentally.

 

I think that you do have to let him know what it means and you will have to talk about racism. The definition that I would use is that racism means you think certain skin colors make some people better than others. If you're religious, you might talk about the "love your neighbor" aspect of things and how loving your neighbor does not mean making fun of them for any reason. You could then add in that there are certain words that people use to hurt people because of their skin color and that word is one of them.

Often at this age, I do think that kids will find a word that has shock-value and use it because it gets an explosive, interesting reaction. And while your tendency is rightly to probably explode, a calm measured talk will go much farther. He just learned something that pushes your buttons and he'll likely use it a few more times just to see it push your buttons.

Marissa

 

IMO...Considering that you do live in such a racially charged region and children are little sponges you NEED to talk to him about it, and the sooner the better. Racism stems from ignorance, so I believe that it's important to steer children EARLY to know what it is and how not to be a part of it.

You don't need to go into the full history of racism or a "hate the hater" mode, but make him understand that it is hurtful and wrong and why. A lot of times, I find that little kids respond well to the "What if it were you (or a friend, or family member), how would you feel?" mental picture. They seem to relate to that and it sticks.

I also agree w/ pp to not get visibly riled if the word comes out but to remain calm and discuss why that word is never, ever used, as it could backfire on you otherwise.

It must be tough to be a momma with a moral backbone in an area like that, but it sounds like you're doing a great job trying to raise a good man. Keep up the good work! :hug:

Eve

 

I would explain it more as "it really hurts peoples feelings and makes them very upset and even makes them cry" rather than saying it is a curse word. Even though it is a curse word if he thinks it is a curse word he may use it when he is angry but if you explain it is very hurtful he may not. Ask how he would feel if someone called him stupid (or some other cruel word) and tell him the "N" word just as hurtful. Explain that black kids his age couldn't go to school and they couldn't eat at McDonalds and they couldn't drink clean water, etc. and this word is a painful reminder of all of that. My best friend is black and we have a very good honest relationship about this kind of thing. Good luck and good for you!!!

 

I agree with all of the pp's that it would be best to talk to him, and explain the best way possible that it is not a nice word to use and how hurtful it is to others.

Also, as a pp said, if he does not know what the word means or why it is bad/mean, he may use it to get a reaction out of you, or worse, an African American person. At least if you talk to him, he will know why it upsets you.

 

none of mine have been exposed to that word yet. . . thankfully.
But when they are, I'll explain to them how derogatory it is and briefly why.

 

Ok, wow, how do I respond to this post? A little background first (in case you're not familiar with me...I haven't been around lately) I am white, my DH is black. My kids do hear this word, they've heard it in different situations and know when someone is using it as a bad word. DH does say it when he's talking to his friends. I am not a fan of the word at all and I will never, EVER utter the word myself. Some of the neighbor kids in our apt complex (they've since moved...thank goodness!!!) were heard saying this word to each other (and they were not black) and they were calling my children this word. I was NOT havin' it, at all! I went straight to their mother and explained to her that it is NOT acceptable for her children to say that word to my children or any of the other black children in the complex. They were from another country and she tried to tell me that even in their country the kids would use that word with each other. I had to explain to her that it's one thing for someone from the black community to say that word to another friend but it is something totally different when it comes from someone else, like someone who is white or from another country, especially when they're saying it to someone who is black or even mixed like my kids. My kids do know about racism and had lots of questions about it, things like if we lived back in the time of slavery or before the school were integrated, how would I have met Daddy. It really made them think!

Now, to answer your question (finally! LOL)...I totally agree with some of the pp's when they said to put it in 5-yr-old terms. I would probably also explain to him at some level that it can have two meanings and when it comes from someone who is not black and is said to someone who is black, that is when it is the most hurtful. I think I would def emphasize the fact that it's a hurtful word and not necessarily a "bad" or curse word. He may hear someone say it and it wouldn't be in that hurtful way and would be confused. It's a really touchy subject.