irritated at a comment

Long story short I received a comment from another twin mom yesterday that I really didn't appreciate. It wasn't actually THAT bad but ya know I just found it ignorant. She was saying how much harder it is now that her twins are 2 because they are just into everything. She said how EASY it is to have baby twins compared to hers at age 2 ummmmmmm :shok: :grr: :catfight:

Thanks for trivializing how hard I work every single day 24/7. Grrrrrrrrrr just needed to vent!

 

Yes and thanks to her for giving us something to look forward to, its not as if we don't question everyday if we can do this and how to make it through another day of exhaustion-that king of comment just makes me feel worse about the future! Just lie to me and tell me it gets easier because I can't handle the thought of it getting any harder right now! Lol.

 

LOL well I think it gets easier as they get older. Or maybe it's just because now I usually get a full night of sleep, and nothing is harder than the sleep deprivation of the first year.

 

Thanks guys, I do feel it gets easier (at least with singletons but this twin thing is new so who knows). Our 19 month old is hard work don't get me wrong but is also soooo much fun too that's it's a different kind of hard work! She is soooo much "easier" now than when she was a baby and I am pretty sure that's how it will be with twins. Still hard but in an easier way to handle hard if that makes any sense. I don't think when mine are 2 that I'd ever tell a mom to baby twins what she told me. Thanks for commiserating with me.

 

I totally agree with Aimee on this! things may not get easier (just different) but it is easier to cope on a full nights sleep! (so at least you have that much to look forward to!)

 

I had a twin mom of 4 yr olds say almost exactly the same thing to me, too! Ugh! We were at a family get together with my DH's work and she was watching us try to feed our (at the time) 8 month olds amidst the chaos of the party (while her kids were running around and having a good time with all the other kids in the playroom downstairs and allowing her and her DH to actually socialize a bit). She had this very "all-knowing" and, frankly, condescending look on her face and said "just wait until they get to be my kids' age - it gets so much harder" (??!!). I just looked at her and smiled and said "ya' think?". This forced her to reply with some sort of silly explanation where I responded by "huh. I guess we'll see". It just goes to show you that a person prone to say inappropriate or stupid things is always going to be prone to say them no matter what or how their situation changes.

 

You know what... things change. My two were never kids that ran opposite directions. When they were babies... that was the absolute hardest. They were fussy babies. Not happy at all. :hug: I can see why that comment got your response. All kids are different.

 

Well, I for one think that it is sooo much easier and more fun now than it was in those first few month! Of course they are in to everything, and climbing like monkeys, and testing their boundaries, and discovering temper tantrums but they are so funny, and can be really sweet, and it is awesome to see them learning and developing and growing. It may be easier physically to have younger twins, but definitely not mentally and emotionally - IMO! I don't mind chasing down a little toddler who thinks it is hilarious to "run" away nearly as much as I dreaded the colic cries, the constant feeding, the spit-up... Seriously, I thank God every day that I was blessed with twins - I don't know how often I thought or said that in the beginning!

 

Well my twins are almost 18 months old, and I think they are a walk in the park compared to when they were under 6 months old! ardon: I know not every twin mom feels like this, but I would have gladly given my boys away in the first few months (KIDDING!) and now I enjoy them every darn day!!!

And even if that weren't true, I wouldn't feel the need to say that to another twin mom. :huh:

 

Even if that is true, why say it? And I don't know that is isn't true, but what I suspect is that she just doesn't remember how hard it was! I know the first 12 weeks was HARD for me, but I don't remember the feeling of how hard it is because I am less sleep-deprived. I hope I never have to know that exact feeling again! Sleep is key for me...like a PP said. Annoying. :wacko:

 

No matter how challenging it has been since they turned 1, I'm sleeping all night (most of the time!) and that is HUGE! Nothing compares, imo, to the sleep deprivation and sheer physical exhaustion of the first year.

I know a few new twin moms and I would never tell them ways in which it got "challenging" as they got older, I'd only tell them about all of the ways it has gotten easier!

 

ITA! Honestly, I think some people just need to have it "harder," KWIM? It's silly IMO.

 

I can't believe she said that...argh...I saw a new twin mom at church a couple of weeks ago (she also had a toddler) and I wanted to go up to her and make sure she was surviving...I wanted to go and ask her if she wanted her bathroom cleaned or some food! I think every mom of multiples needs a hug rather than a "just you wait" comment!!

 

Just try to have some tougher skin and think about why she may be saying that versus getting defensive.

I bet she is having a rough time and just wants to ***** and moan about how "HARD" it is(maybe for her) when they get older. Maybe she thinks it will make her feel better.

I'm sure WAY worse comments than that will be coming your way. I just laugh at them when they do.

But of course...like many on here say...all kids are different. It's real easy for us right now(about as easy as it can be with twins...they both eat and sleep very well)...now, you add in eating and sleeping well at about 12-18 months when they are mobile and where we can't just put them in one spot and they stay...yeah...gonna have to say that might be a bit harder than we have it right now. I'm gonna enjoy the time I can put them each in a recliner in their own boppy and they just sit there and look around, nap, etc for hours.

 

I agree with this. We twin Moms like to commiserate. I dont think she was trying to make you feel bad at all. Maybe even using it as an icebreaker to get to know you. ardon: (I dont know the context of how it was said). FWIW, I didnt find the newborn stage easy at all and it does get better. BUT, mobile, tantruming, fighting, biting, kicking twins are a whole different ballgame. And I would totally commiserate with her :faint:

 

I agree with Aimee too. My twins are 2 and while age 2 does present it's own challenges...I find that I can handle them better because the kids can tell me what they want or give me a good idea. I can handle the challenges of age 2 better because I am getting a full night's sleep. The sleep deprivation alone during the FY made it difficul
I don't think I would make that comment to another twin mom (or another Mom for that matter). Each age presents its own unique challenges and what is challenging to me might not be a challenge to another person.

 

I feel your pain though. Nothing is more annoying than when I'm out with them in public and someone has to comment that it only gets worse as they get older. I'm like "thanks alot" - I don't really think it's that bad right now!

 

by your emoticons i see that..sorry but those just made me laugh.
i hate ignorant comments, sometimes people should just keep their trap shut ....ok i'll go hide now, :spy:

 

I agree that she was probably trying to bond with you after she had a bad day/moment. I had a heck of a day at Walmart today. When I normally say "it gets easier", for that hour I would have rather had my feed every 3 hour, breastfeeding struggling, and witching hour fussy babies. You probably caught her in one of those moments. I loved the first year, but my DH likes this much better. I think a lot of it is about your personality. I understand it was an annoying comment, but I'd cut her a bit of slack knowing she was probably having a bad day.

FWIW, I had a lady yesterday tell me how hard it is when they are 12 and all you are doing is juggling schedules for activities. It doesn't sound hard to me right now, but I'm sure she feels like it. When I was in the FY people always said, "It's not easier, just different". :youcandoit:

 

thanks, one of the other ladies asked if i had any help and darnit if i didn't tear up then i tried to recover fast as i said no. man i felt like such a dork for it as i know she sensed/saw it.

yeah us women just love to commiserate. I have very needy babies and a 19 month old and am definitely struggling so a comment like this is gonna upset me but that's not her fault I will say I own my reaction to her (albeit ignorant) remark.

Since I have babies that always want to be held I would love for them to be more mobile or at least content to lay and play but alas its always a fight/challenge to entertain them and keep them happy. I guess my preference or what I found "easier" with my singletons was when they got to the stage where they could at least sit up on their own, once the twins get there I could at least feel I have enough hands for all the little ones vs juggling all day. I just hate letting one cry while I tend to the others.

 

Oh trust me...I feel ya.

It took me awhile but I finially broke my DW about a month ago(I shouldn't say that I broke her, better to say that it finally clicked for her) that she doesn't need to pick each child up everytime it cries. These kids are smart...one could be screaming it's head off for like 5 minutes, then drop dead silent the second he or she is picked up.(THEY KNOW) Even with one child it is hard, but with 2...it's pretty much impossible to tend to them each and everytime they cry.

I don't mean hungry, dirty diapers,etc and they cry. I mean just held for a long time, fed an hour ago, freshly changed and they cry.

Is it easy? nope. Necessary? For some sanity sure. She's found it much easier now and if they cry...a few minutes later they are either asleep or found something else to do.

 

I personally think having twins was hardest in the first year. I find them much easier to manage now that they can talk to me & listen to what I'm telling them. The second year was harder than the third, but easier than the first!

 

I just wanted to say ditto to all of this!!! Catch me on a bad day with my 2 year olds and I'd trade you in a heartbeat for those little babies!! But I totally agree that things don't get "easier" they get "different".

 

I'm really struggling at the moment with my two - keeping two very active toddlers safe keeps me very anxious alot of the time. I can look back and think "Oh babies are easy" but they weren't.

I've had a comments from other multiple families about teenage twins and school aged twins and how it's trouble then and I was a little put out. Just writing this I realised that what upsets me is the negativity about having twins and of course the statement that my life is harder than yours.

 

I also agree that I find it easier now. I think it's still a ton of work, just different. Getting a full night's sleep makes all the difference. I love that they can play by themselves and don't need to be constantly held. They have gotten so independent. Makes me a little sad sometimes. I wouldn't trade it for those early days for anything.

 

i agree - the sleep makes all the difference! i'm really enjoying this age now, tantrums & all. so, yup, it gets different, easier in some ways, more challenging in others, but there's so much to look forward to! it's an amazing ride. :good:

the thing is, when someone makes a comment like that, even if it's true (or true for them), even if it's just because she's having a bad day, or maybe she had good motivation (wanted to commiserate) but it came out skewed - the reason it's obnoxious is because she essentially invalidated your feelings first. most people really just want to be told "i totally understand why you're feeling that way" even if they don't, KWIM? to skip that part of the conversation & just go on to say how hard your own life is, well, the sub-text becomes "you have no right to feel that way because i have it WAY harder than you do". no one likes to hear that. :aggressive:

 

I also think it depends on how much time a person puts into raising their kids. All mothers are different. I'm a twin and my Mom didn't breastfeed and had tons of help from my Grandmother and Aunt when we were little babies. We also didn't cry very much, so TO HER, when we turned 2 years old, her life became a nightmare. So, I can understand her comment.

The problem with her statement is that it's just ignorant, but like someone else said, that comment probably won't be the WORST. I do wish people would realize that babies have different personalities just like adults (and that not all situations are the same, even if they are fundamentally similar).

 

I think I :wub: you heehee.

ITA! We are still nursing most of the time which is "hard" when you have a 19 month old running around and have babies stuck to you for 1 hour out of every 3. We don't have any help either so its me all day until hubby comes home with the 3 young kids.

This definitely isn't the worst comment I've gotten but it just shocked me coming from another twin mom, I didn't mention before but she is also the leader of our twins group (and this was my first brief meeting with some of the moms). Probably why I had such an irritated reaction.

I have many pregnant friends right now and for me I am always conscious of never saying to them that I have it harder with 2 newborns and a toddler versus their toddler and only one new baby. They are my friends and I don't want to dimish how hard it is adding a second baby to your family and trying to juggle for the first time the needs of a toddler and a new baby.

I am used to weird and ignorant comments and stares, after all I have 3 kids 19 months and under...you should see them stare at us at the mall you would think we were the duggars hahahaha!!! This one just took me by surprise considering the source.

 

I'm really shocked another twin mom would say something like that.... she must have baby amnesia about all the sleepless nights/months when her babies were younger.
I don't know if it gets easier/harder... All I know is that I miss their afternoon naps that they took when they were younger... and I miss them staying in one place when I would put them down before they started crawling...

I guess some things ARE easier, like feeding and sleeping. But chasing after them 24/7 is exhausting,too. I can't imagine what it'll be like once they can walk/run/climb. lol

 

Seriously, are there any things more annoying than "helpful" comments like that??? Ugh!

My twins are still little, but my son is 5, so I sort of know what's coming. :lol: I'm grateful for the fact that my girls stay where I put them, don't get in the cabinets/climb stairs/make trouble, and can't do anything worse than yell at me from their carseats when I take them to Target. But I am also VERY MUCH looking forward to them being able to hold their own bottles (or, better yet, feed themselves a toaster waffle!), being able to communicate with them, having them be able to amuse each other instead of Mommy, and do all those things that make my 5 year old a hoot to live with.

 

Eh, take it with a grain of salt.
I have a friend with 3 y/o boy twins. If says she has it harder than me right now, I totally believe her. Those boys are wound for sound. We see her kids and look at ours and wonder what our future holds for us. Our guys are easy compared to what she has to try to manage on a daily basis.
I think we all carry a different story and experience with us. I doubt any of us think we are better than the other or work harder than the other. I think the main thing is that we all want to feel like our own experience is valued and so we must also value the experience of the other.

 

Yeah, it's too bad us NICE people don't have the guts to say something. :laughing: In my head I'm saying, "Well that's awful nice of you to generalize all people with twins/not to mention the twins themselves."

 

Yikes. That's a tricky one. I guess I feel like every day is the toughest day. It never gets easier and I'm not sure it actually gets "harder" but it definitely does NOT get easier. Sorry.

You do *usually* get more sleep tho.

Some people just like to be honest and you can just listen or you can let it bounce off of you. People do have a right to their opinion. No matter how old their twins are.

 

I'm sorry so offended you, but she's not way off base. I doubt she was trying to trivialize what you do day in and day out though. She did it too, after all. Having twinfants is insanely tough. It's physically exhausting, and it's all new and scary. As they get older, it DOES get easier in a lot of respects. But she's telling the truth that it also gets harder. It stops being about physical difficulty and starts being about mental difficulty. You have to mold them into little people, and you have to keep them from killing themselves, which they seem he!! bent on trying to do all the time. Don't be discouraged though. Even though it is harder in a lot of ways, it's also sooooooooooo much more fun and more rewarding. When they are babies, you don't get as much back from them. When they are little kids, you get so much. I'd rather have 2 year olds than 2 month olds again. I'll tell you that!

ETA: I should also add that my particular perceptions are skewed by the fact that I had really easy babies. Heck, they are pretty easy for toddlers too, but toddlers are still toddlers!

 

Sorry, but I have made comments like that before. I had really easy babies who slept and ate great. I have toddlers that are into EVERYTHING and always go in two different directions. My DS went through a phase where he had to open and close all doors and cabinets repeatedly. I thought I would lose my mind.

I used to put the babies in the double stroller and leisurely buy groceries. Now it's a well-coordinated effort and finger crossing that they feel like sitting in the race car shopping cart long enough for me to sprint through the aisles.

I used to have diapered babies that didn't require 4-5 trips into public restrooms during a 30 minute trip to Chik Fil A for lunch.

The list goes on and on. So, personally, for me and my family, it is harder than the ease we had when they were babies.

I don't think she was trying to make you feel like you weren't putting forth effort. Her personal experience is that when comparing the two phases, she finds toddlerhood to be harder.