"Unable" to Say Thank You

It's about my oldest, my singleton. She's a very mellow and easy child, and she'll turn 6 in May. She's in Year 1 (UK system), enjoying school, her class mates and speaks freely at school, with friends, with me, husband, brother / sister and my helper.

However, with adults present (me, my husband or my helper), she'll rarely say a word to other adults. When people say "Good morning" she can't get herself to reply and look them into the eyes (with an adult present). Same after play dates, saying "Thank You" is impossible. I got angry, I bribed, discussed, talked positively, sticker charts, etc. but no change. School tells me she's good at school and once she gets going at occasions, she's also fine but I find it so impolite and I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried something things, both positive and negative, and nothing. She speaks very good English (it's her first language) so it has absolutely nothing to do with that, she's fine with friends, and again once she starts going ... but then when mommy is there and she has to say Thank You for the playdate, her mouth is shut, she looks at the floor and just wants to run. I've read books on shyness, and addressed her accordingly. I prepare her, explain what is expected ... nothing?! She has a tendency to be perfect, not to embarrass herself thinking she may do something silly, and therefore decides that not talking is the "wisest" thing to do.

Somebody else had this, any words of wisdom?

It's completely not me, or my husband, and she's getting older, and not everybody is understanding (most moms of kids she plays with are aware of this battle).

 

My girls are exactly the same, they still hide behind me and almost give people a diry look (not meaning too). For a long time now I've been teaching them if u are not going to speak then u need to 'smile' if someone speaks to you. It took a while but now they do that for the most part.

When we leave playdates parties it has always been the same me saying you need to say thank you to the mommy and for the most part they are getting a little better at that. One suggestion might be she writes a little thank you note before hand to give to the person she needs to thank.

 

Thanks, it's really weird, because it's really in very specific situations, she's not shy at all at school, has many friends, her play date's mom said she was fine with her all afternoon UNTIL my helper showed up to pick her up (I am recovering from surgery) and she had to say thank you. I've been thinking of having her make a note in advance and bring that to the play date ... as a step ...

 

I think that's a great idea!

FWIW, I was a very shy child -- I think I talked only to people I knew well until I was at least in middle school, maybe longer. And it was always worse when my parents were around. So while I don't have any advice from the parent's perspective (not being there yet with my girls), I can at least say that I did grow out of it eventually -- but it took a LONG time.

 

Thanks! I just don't want her to come across as impolite, people not liking her for that ... possibly even like me not doing my job (most friends know about my struggles so not an issue).

 

Could it be part of not wanting playdate to end? Or difficulty with transitions? Just a thought. My son is still learning the art of greetings and farewells.

 

I think the note writing sounds like an awesome idea. My first thought was teaching her how to sign the word "thank you" so maybe she could sign it instead of saying it. I know you might have to interpret it for her, but it could be a start.

 

I used to be a shy child and would always hide behind my parents or my brother. I was like your daughter...if I was by myself, I can speak fine with other people, but if I had someone else with me, I knew that all I had to do was keep quiet and somebody else would do the talking for me. Maybe one thing you could try is NOT speaking for her in front of others, even if it means you would be embarrassed or feel like you are being rude. For example, if she doesn't say "thank you," don't say it for her...if she isn't willing to say it, nobody says it. If somebody asks her a question like "What would you like drink?" instead of answering for her, let her answer it or else she doesn't get anything to drink. Soon, she might get the message that she has to speak up for herself even when she is with you, just like when she is alone.

 

Thank you for your tips! She was able to say Thank You on Saturday and today as well, after her play date. The first time I stepped away (she was being dropped off) and today I pretended to get her shoes (at my friend's house) and she did it again. I've been praising her like a complete idiot, but she seemed happy. We'll keep working on it.