Holiday Relatives

Just looking for a bit of opinion ...

When the boys were born in late spring, my parents and my wife's parents came out to our part of the country when the boys came home.

Everyone was very helpful then, and we appreciated it. We were certainly in that new-parent-surprise-and-in-awe mode.

I invited my family to come visit for xmas. (My wife's family visited a few weeks ago, for Hanukkah. Regrettably, my 15-month-old nephew was sick - but didn't know it yet - and exposed my family to a nasty cold. They were at the doctor's office the next day. Within 4 days, one of my boys was coming down with it; a few more days, I had it. My wife had it. Finally, after about 7 or 8 days, my other son caught it from one of us (me, his brother, his mother). My mother-in-law can be "difficult" at times, but she definitely pitched in the same was as when the boys came home from the hospital.

My family wanted to stay here though. In fact, they made plans to do so and never bothered to tell me. When I found out, *I* explained that their plan of using the guest room + someone sleeping on the couch wouldn't work. No budging. I eventually paid (out of my pocket) for a hotel room for them and insisted "NOBODY CAN SLEEP ON THE COUCH". I also explained "this house revolves around children. Naps. Everything." I made it clear that we can't have looky-loos; if you come, you need to help.

They came, and made such appealing promises: "You and ____ (my wife) should take a day off and stay in a hotel, just get away for a day." (I really can't afford it, but 20 hours straight of being able to eat, sleep, etc. without one ear listening for kids? Ugh, so tempting I'll use CREDIT for it. My wife was admitting that she was dreaming of just sleeping.)

My sister stayed in our guestroom, my parents at the hotel.

The problems began immediately. They wanted to play with the boys, but their 'help' was cursory. Bottles? Nope, my problem. Two sick kids - our problem. Laundry? Our problem.

My sister sleeps 12 hours at a shot, and my parents go out to breakfast every morning and ask questions like "But ... when do you eat breakfast/dinner???!?" (Answer: "We ususally either don't, or put the kids where they'll be calm, safe, and under our watch for 20 minutes, microwave something pathetic and shove food into our mouths shamelessly.")

When they're here, they generate a heck of a din. The kids have been woken from important naps the past 3 days in a row. (I've been up since 5AM solo, and one boy is napping while another is playing in his 'jungle safari' happily after a shorter-than-I'd-prefer nap, but still a nap.)

Frankly, they've made our lives MORE difficult. The kids aren't getting their naps. One boy has been so overtired and then overwhelmed by (effectively) strangers that he has gotten so upset two days in a row that he's been insanely unhappy.

It doesn't matter what I say, I seem to get platitudes in return and continued expectations that this is their vacation. Errr, I'm struggling to keep my wife from kicking all three of them out.

In the end, this is my fault - I invited them, out of ignorance of what 7-month-olds would be like.

At the same time, I HAVE been (before they came) telling them that this isn't - and can't be - a casual family get-together.

When they DO help, instead of helping with the kids, they do things like take my kitchen apart and try to reorganize it. Uhhhh, no. No, no, no.

My wife and I were already overwhelmed (see my other post), then the boys both getting ill, then this. Bluntly, we're more exhausted than if they hadn't come at all.

If they lived nearby, it'd be easy: We'd come to them - and on our terms. They don't. I've been trying to get them to work "with" us, but feel like they're increasingly leaving me either with the choice to eject my own family and tell them to change their tickets and go HOME (great, alienate everyone ...) or to just swallow my frustration and wait 4 more days for them to leave.

I never expected this, because last time they were all so helpful. It's almost like they expected to come and find 3-year-olds here after 7 months.

Anybody ever experience anything like this? (I've learned a heck of a lesson!)

 

so sorry! all our families live in town so I don't have those issues, but yes, seems that everyone just wants to play w/the babies... they don't even check diapers... ugh!

you are really trying to just stay above water and the family issues aren't helping. I'm so sorry... maybe you can send them to do something all day long to leave you and the babies at home to get day naps?

good luck, sorry I don't have much advice.

 

Sounds pretty stressful!

I've tried to remind myself that twins are not just an adjustment for the parents (and siblings)of those twins, but also for the grandparents! Our parents have been *very* helpful and we've been very fortunate to have them - but they also get overwhelmed and aren't quite sure how to help, sometimes. They know there are piles of laundry in the basement waiting to be washed - but there are also two needy toddlers stretching their arms out to be picked up. They always attend to the babies first (which we prefer) and get to helping around the house, if time (and toddlers!) allows.

Have you been direct and just asked, "Can you watch A and B while wife and I go get a bite to eat? It has been forever since we've had more than a minute to ourselves! We really need this." or "Can you load the dishwasher and start a load of laundry while we put the babies down for their naps? Thank you SO much!".

It is hard, I think, for family to know what needs to be done that we will consider helpful. They don't want to overstep boundaries, yet don't want to appear unhelpful. Sometimes as adult children and new parents, we forget that this is a new experience for grandparents, too, and there is a learning curve all the way around.

If you love your family, want to have a good relationship, and happy memories (especially since they live across the country and you don't have them stay with you on a regular basis) - I'd keep quiet, definitely don't change their tickets and send them packing, and just try to be more direct. They might be relying on you and your wife to give them cues as to what they should be doing.
We'll all most likely be in-laws and grandparents one day - and there is no instruction manual!

Hang in there!! Only 4 more days!

 

so i've just posted something similar except we've gone to our parents. it's a little stressful to say the least! but i'd just swallow your annoyance with them and give them jobs to do. or freak them out and say that you and your other half are going out for the day, have fun, and let them gain a new respect for you doing this crazy job every day!
just know that there are people in the same boat as you - you're not alone!! and hang in there!

 

I am so sorry! We just got through a horriffic 2 days of christmas too and all I can say is I feel for ya. Good luck!

 

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Last night, we went out for the first time since the kids were born.

My sister and parents watched the boys, fed them dinner, bathed them, and put them down.

My sister was kind enough to have a 'deal' with me to text my phone with status - as I said "parent jitters ..."

They did get the boys down for the night, but it was apparently quite an extended affair for them. I think that's partially because they weren't listening entirely when we gave specifics about who, what, and when - and partially because we're on a track of a sleep schedule that's lacking self-soothing.

It was trying for my wife; she was aching when we left.

She wanted to call at one point, and I said "That'll wake up the boys." I hadn't received a text yet, so I knew the boys weren't asleep. When I finally got a text, it read "Asleep." - about 90 minutes late, but I told my wife that my sister had said that the boys had indeed been put to bed. (I left out the 'very likely only five minutes ago' part.)

When we got home, I was surprised when my mother started lecturing us on the type of pajamas the boys were wearing, and how they needed heavier "SLEEPERS!" My wife was infuriated, said "I can't deal with this.", and went upstairs. My sister told my mother to "Stop! These are not YOUR children, mom!", which basically just slowed my mother down. When they arrived today (they're actually sitting around being quiet because the boys are napping right now, giving me the rare opportunity to pick up the laptop), my mother couldn't help but raise the same issue again. My sister shushed her, but she kept going, and I had to say "LOOK, THEIR ROOM IS THE WARMEST IN THE HOUSE. WHEN WE GO IN DURING THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO CHANGE THEM, THEY AREN'T COLD!" Yeesh.

My family has offered to watch the boys for 24 hours. I can't afford it, but I'm going to spend the $200 or so and get a nice room in the downtown area of the large city near us. My wife laughed and said "People probably think this is a romantic getaway. We just want to sleep, eat, and maybe watch TV without listening for cries."

At this point, I think we're likely to take them up on it; our 'help' will be here from 10-5 the day we drive to the hotel and the subsequent day. She knows the boys very well and frankly makes us more comfortable in that the boys know her, and that we trust her implicitly. (Err, and she also doesn't offer - or demand - that the boys clothes are 'wrong'.)

I'll hold my tongue, but plan next year (and the year after, and so on) differently.

 

so glad for your evening out. I hope you enjoy your day & night out coming up! yes, having your normal help there will help immensely. yep, it might not be romantic, but getting rest and relaxing is key to feeling normal again!

sorry about the family not paying attention when you are giving instructions... my mil does that too... she's just so excited for me to be bringing the babies over to her, but she doesn't want to hear when they should nap or eat etc... ugh!

as for the heavier sleepers... my dh is the one who mentioned to me that we needed to use long sleeved pjs this summer... we noticed that the babies were on their tummies w/butts in the air because they were cold - poor little things! anyway, we quit using the short sleeved pjs and they started laying on their backs again. now, for winter we use long sleeve pjs and at least a fleece sleep sack. tonight it feels a little cooler and I'm adding a fleece long sleeved pj set in the middle. we sleep with a sheet, light blanket and a feather duvet... my husband reminded me that the poor babies only had their pjs... that's my scoop on pjs.

good luck! and I hope you are all able to get rested soon!

 

I had to remind myself many times during my recent cross-country visit with the inlaws that this wasn't my vacation, this was a gift to the inlaws and family that they could spend time with the babies. This reminder didn't make me happy at all, but at least it saved me from ripping someone's head off ... My MIL kept feeding the babies new random things and wanting them to go here and there. My boys were angels through it all which I can only thank god for because otherwise there would have been blood ... :aggressive: No one can really understand what it's like to haul two 10-month olds cross country, terribly disrupting everything food-wise and sleep-wise we've been working on for months, until they've done it! I don't know if we'll be traveling for Christmas in the future ... Now I just desperately need a vacation myself which my sister, bless her soul, is coming out to my home for two weeks. :woo:

As for the sleepers, I remember an anecdote I read somewhere - an american mother who lived outside the US said that she discovered that 'mothers' were all around her, and if her babies were out without a sweater she'd get someone telling her they're cold. She'd put a sweater on them and in 20 feet someone else would stop her and tell her she's overheating them! On and on down the street. Everyone thinks they know what is right for your babies but you're really the only expert there is! :good: