To tell or not to tell - IVF twins

So, we are waiting to announce that it is twins until Christmas Eve as a surprise to everyone. Only our parents know that I am pregnant at all and they have no clue that it is twins. Our twins are a result of IVF and I will forever be grateful that we were able to use ART to conceive! However, we are leary of telling everyone that we used IVF. As of now, only our parents, close friends and a few coworkers know that we used IVF (4 transfers in the last year and a few other procedures). I know when we start telling people are going to ask if they are "natural" or may just come out and ask if we used IVF. I don't know if I want to tell or not. Even closer friends who know have said things like "thank God you didn't get 8" or other offensive things. On the other hand, who cares, we get to bring 2 babies home and I am beyond thrilled! So, if you used IVF - did you tell and would you tell looking back and/or will you tell this time and why/why not?

By the way, I am 10 weeks, will be almost 11 weeks at Christmas.

 

Congrats on your pregnancy! How exciting!

So I have always taken the stance that no matter how they are conceived, it really doesn't matter or reflect on you or the children you are carrying in anyway, one way or the other. I am not a supporter of lying or misinforming others so why not tell the truth. ardon:

To me I never considered not telling the truth. I don't understand why someone would think that lying would be a better option than telling the truth to family and friends or even strangers. What's the point?

 

Congratulations on your twins!!

We didn't get to IVF, but I conceived our son as well as these twins on injectibles w/ IUI. A lot of people say "Do twins run in your family?" or if they are digging for more, "So was it a complete suprise, or..." (implying that we used drugs). I am honest about our infertility treatments and our need for help conceiving when people seem to want to know, in the hope that it will help fight the stigma of Octomom as well as provide comfort/hope to someone going through the same thing who feels lonely.

I just expect people to say stupid things so I don't get disappointed -- that way I can either be pleasantly surprised when they say something positive, or if they do have misunderstandings, I can maybe even throw out a fact or two to educate them. To the Octomom comments, I would most likely brush it off with something like, "Well, we used medicine responsibly and had an ethical doctor, so there was actually no chance of having eight."

I think it depends on how sensitive you are, personally.

Good luck and congrats again!

 

I don't plan on lying, just more of a none of your business or why do you ask response is what I was thinking. One reason that we avoided telling in the beginning (besides not wanting to be asked a million times if it had worked and those types of questions) is that we live in a very conservative area where I a good portion of people don't really "beleive" in using ART. That isn't the case with our family, it is just personal for me and not anyone elses business. I would hate for anyone to ever think less of our children because we used IVF. Thanks for your response!

 

I guess I don't give a crap about what other's think and if people are going to have negative thoughts about me or our children because we used fertility treatments...well they can just go to hell and I don't want them in my or my children's life. Life is too short to worry about such close minded ignorant people and they are not worth compromising myself for.

But that's just me. ardon:

 

I told nearly everyone we did IVF -- not strangers in the grocery store, but close. I saw it as a sort of consciousness-raising -- I think people need to understand how common infertility really is. I actually never had anyone ask me if they were "natural" or how they were conceived, but I got a lot of "Wow, you got double lucky" and stuff like that.

It helps, I guess, that we live in an area where ART is fairly common -- lots of older moms. I'm actually surprised when I hear of people having twins the old-fashioned way.

 

I would just be honest.. raise awareness.. because the questions will come as soon as their hear twins. With my age everyone thought I had used meds to have twins .. even though we never discussed doing meds to anyone.. so just be prepared for dumbness to incur.

 

Congrats!!! After struggling with IF, two little babies is truly the most wonderful Christmas present.

Guess whose business it is that you used IVF----nobody's! How you conceived your kids is personal and nobody should be asking you.

The only people who know we used IVF are those close friends and relatives who supported us through the process. And I would certainly never tell an acquaintance or a stranger--depending on who they are I either ask them why that is any of their business or ask them when was the last time they masturbated. The repsonse to "are they natural" is "no, they are plastic." (What a stupid question). The response to "do twins run in the family" is "yes, there are 7 sets of twins in DH's family." While this is true, it leaves some people a bit confused.

I would absolutely discuss the IVF process with someone who is thinking about doing it and needs support or has questions. But that is a far cry from merely responding to someone's curiosity.

 

we did injectibles/IUI to get our twins and pretty much everyone knew - had to cuz Tony and I worked together so we needed the same days off some times...

I'd rather tell the world if it helps just one woman who may be struggling to conceive know that she's not alone and there is help available!

 

My husband's reply to "Do twins run in your family?" is "They do now!" No more questions asked. :good:

I think it's really too bad that some people would judge you or your kids for doing ART. Shame on them.

That being said, I do agree with cat mommy that if you want to keep the information private, it is absolutely your right. Some of us like to talk about it, some of us don't!

 

When we first found out it was twins, we had SO many of the "do they run in your family" questions that I just gave up coming up with coy non-committal answers. At first, I didn't want to tell ANYONE. Honestly, I felt uncomfortable about it, and just felt like it was my business and no one elses. But I realized that about 8 billion people I know needed help concieving, and honestly, I'm not good at deception. I feel like it's easier to just be honest, so you don't have to worry about keeping the stories straight.

Of course, you need to do what you feel comfortable with. I know someone that is considering donor eggs/IVF, and besides me (because she knows I went through IVF) she is going to tell no one, not even her family. So, I guess it comes down to what works for you.

But I would be honest. People who love and support you will be happy for you and realize that it doesn't matter how a child is conceived. Those who would "judge" it, aren't worth your time or energy.

But once I decided to talk about it, I felt like it was important to be an advocate for IVF and ART in general. I got even more questions when I was a surrogate for my sister and carried another set of twins. People asking if they were really "my" babies (eggs, I guess they meant) and such. I used it as a great opportunity to increase information about gestational carriers.

But again, do what you are comfortable with. That's all that really matters.

 

I have always been very open about the fact that we used IVF. It's not something that I advertised openly on a whim, but I would never intentionally hide that information. I am very proud of my girls and the fact that we were successful with IVF- probably an awareness thing with me too. I get a lot of questions about IVF and about my frozen embryos and I am always very happy and willing to talk openly about the subject.

 

When we were actually going through treatment we kept things pretty private. Only parents and a small group of close friends knew. I wanted it private b/c I didn't want people asking me if I was pregnant yet and I didn't want friends and coworkers who were pregnant or had small children to feel awkward around me.

Once we were pregnant with our first and out of the first trimester I was completely honest about it. I felt like too many women -- especially older women -- keep the fact that they had help private (which is their right, of course) and that that perpetuates the myth that women can easily conceive into their 40's. I couldn't conceive at 35 and was stunned. I had no idea that so many of the famous women who have their babies in Hollywood had IVF and/or used donor eggs.

Fortunately, we were able to conceive not only our daughter but also twins the next year! As others have said, I have been asked if twins "run in the family". I usually volunteer that we had fertility treatment. Lots of people find it interesting and I am comfortable answering questions about it. I feel that I am raising awareness as others have said. I also don't feel that it matters. I think people are curious for the most part but not judgemental.

Also, by being honest I have been able to help a good friend who "came out" to me as having fertility problems after hearing my story and other women have talked to me about their problems. I am happy to be a sympathetic ear and, in some cases, to share the knowledge that I have acquired about doctors and treatments as a result of my own journey

 

We didn't do IVF or any kind of ART and we do get some 'was it IVF' questions (some flat out). So if you are not comfortable with sharing that info prepare yourself before hand because odds are, you will get those questions.

 

first off, congrats to you!

interesting responses from everyone. i will say that we went through over 5 yrs of fertility issues and didn't tell a soul, I really didn't want to deal with the looks and comments from even friends or family or worse acquaintances wondering if we were pregnant etc. when we finally went through our 2nd IVF cycle we told only parents and a couple of friends.

as for telling people how the children were conceived, I don't really think its anyone's business, but I do understand the part about getting awareness out there... you do have to do what you can live with or handle.

my husband's comments are more of "we paid a lot of money for them"... or something that insinuates we had help...

I'm more of the line that I just say that twins now run in the family...

One thing I will say is that after the babies get over about 9-12 months I don't think we've gotten nearly as many of those "stupid" questions! so... don't make a life decision that you aren't happy with based on peoples stupid questions... truly I don't think people think they are asking such personal questions. I loved the comments that "cat mommy" had...

I, too, will talk to anyone who asks or seems like they are truly interested in (or I think needs) help with fertility. I think its important to help other women out there to achieve their goal of motherhood, and love to share information.

 

I always tell if they ask. I am not at all ashamed of how they were conceived and soooo many other people experience infertility issues. I have had a few pretty stupid remarks to deal with like a cousin in law that makes comments that they might not be my "real" babies. But... he is an idiot and why worry about it!

 

For me it was a private matter. *I* didn't want to tell anyone. We told our parents but some others found out but only immediate family. My online life is open about IVF and I am willing to share my story with people I have just met (after the twins were born). It was just the flat out questions I received from cousins & such while I was pregnant that I 'denied' it. For me it was just a private matter.

 

Before I clicked on this thread I thought, maybe it was about whether or not to tell your kids they were the result of IVF.

I agree with the others who said they have no problem telling people. I didn't discuss inferility with many people when we were going through it because I couldn't stand the uncertainly, and I didn't have the emtional energy to take others on that roller coaster with me. However, once the babies were conceived, I was much more open. I haven't had too many strangers ask, but we do get the do twins run in your family question, which is sometimes is code for did you use fertility treatments. My spouse has ID twin brothers, so I just say yes and go on.

Ultimately it's up to you. Other people don't have to know if you don't want them too. Although I bet if you did share, you'd probably find a lot more people who have dealt with infertility than you would think. I think it's kind of liberating to be open about it; at least for me.

 

The nosiness of others never seems to amaze me--I mean, I would never ask someone how they conceived their kids. Everyone would agree that "Were you doing it in the missionary position?" is rude--so why is asking about how we conceived any less rude when asked purely out of nosiness?

 

I get what you're saying. It isn't anyones business. I told EVERYONE in the world because it was OBVIOUS cuz I was always at appts and always stressed, etc.

I am TOTALLY someone who doesn't care what other people think, so it was nothing to me.

I do have some ignorant relatives who REALLY frowned on the whole thing. It was funny. I just laugh

 

We were also very open about our IF and IVF process, so it was't a big secret for us. I almost ALWAYS get the, "Do twins run in your family?" question. What's funny, is that they DO (I have twin uncles, twin aunt/uncle, twin cousins and a oousin with twins, lol). I usually say, "Yes they do run in my family, but we also had a little help." If I feel like it, I go into more detail. If not, I leave it at that.

I'm a big believer in being an advooate for infertility and IF treatments, but I also respect that everyone is not in the same place as I am. I got more of the rude 'ocotomom' comments when I was actually going through IVF. Those were frustrating.

GL!

 

Most people will ask "do they run in your family". And for me, they do. There are 4 generations of fraternal twins on my mom's side of the family. So, it depended on who asked. Sometimes I'd say "yes, they do run in the family" and sometimes I'd talk about IVF.

 

Our parents, and siblings, close friends, and some co-workers know how about our IVF experience. We live 1300 miles away from family, so it never really came up with the aunts/uncles/cousins, etc. Plus, we're a bit older than the average childbearing bears (40s), and most of them just thought we weren't planning on having children which isn't unusual these days. I guess I have never felt it necessary to announce it to people we're not really close with, family or otherwise. No one has asked specifically if we did fertility treatments. We DO have one set of twins in the family, cousins of mine, so when strangers ask, "Do twins run in the family?" the answer truthfully is, "Yes," and that usually ends the conversation. If they were to ask, "Did you use fertility treatments?" the answer would be, "Yes, actually, we did." I don't have a problem telling people, and I would be more than happy to counsel and share with someone battling infertility because it's one helluva tough road; it's just that I'm a pretty reserved person. I would never dare ask someone about how their child(ren) was/were conceived, so :unknw:. That's just li'l ole me though.

 

This is exactly what I do except it's DH's family. Any time there is even a hint of someone having a problem I am very honest and open about our struggles. That said, anyone who knows us knows we went through IF treatments and our story has been one of many which has been an inspiration for those who have struggled. I feel very honored that our story has been a blessing to others .

ETA: Clarity

 

Congrats on your twins, mama!

I have chosen not to tell and it has mostly worked out ok. Here are my answers to the most common questions:
"Were they a surprise?" "yes! we were surprised and thrilled"
"Do twins run in your family" "No, this is the first pair on both sides. Everyone is very excited"
"Are they natural (or variations on this) "Well, we needed a little help."

The only times I have felt really bad have been when I am talking to someone who spontaneously tells me that they had IVF to get their child or twins after I've sort of implied that mine were spontaneous with the answers above. Then I feel like I've been lieing, but this doesn't come up often.

Our families and some close friends know the truth, and I'm sure many people suspect, but I'm happy with my decision to keep my reproductive history to myself. I do plan to share my story with any friends I know that are struggling to conceive.

 

This is how it still is today. I was not and am not comfortable telling "just anyone" that we used IVF. It's just none of their business how are children were conceived.

Looking back I still keep my cards close to my chest. I am not embarrassed or ashamed, but I prefer to keep that painful journey to myself.

 

In my experience, if you are in your mid-30's or beyond, people will automatically assume you did IVF, whether you did or not. I think it has become so prevalent these days that most people just think you had to have had help. That said, I do not tell just anybody about my IVF treatments. Like the PP said, it was a painful journey that I don't like to share with just anyone. Good friends and family know and that's fine but for coworkers or acquaintances, I usually just dodge the questions.

The main one you'll probably get is the, "Do twins run in your family?" and I'm a big fan of just kind of laughing it off and saying "they do now!" and moving on. If someone is going to flat out ask me if we used IVF (so rude!), I would say "yes, we did...why do you ask?". Most people mean well but there is definitely a judgmental quality to some of the questions and I just feel like it's hard enough, I don't need to be beaten up for it. For the rare rude person though, I am SO tempted to respond and then say, "now let's talk about *your* reproductive health!".

 

Thanks for all the stories and suggestions! I am 28, so age isn't too much of a factor for us. We have decided to tell family and close friends, but not acquaintances or strangers, it just isn't their business. We talked about what we would share and how to respond to rude and uninformed comments and I feel prepared now.

 

I'm pretty open about it, especially with people who seem genuinely interested - even if they ask in a somewhat awkward way (i.e., are they natural? No, they are bionic superbabies.) That said, you do occasionally get those snarky, judgmental questions where you can just tell where the person is going. Or questions that are just completely the wrong time and place. I have been known to be rude back. In one case, I was asked at a work dinner, and my response was, "Are we going to talk about how everyone conceived their kids, or just me?" Everyone (except the person who asked the snarky question) laughed and we moved on.

 

I didn't have IVF for conceiving my twins but did need an RE to help me monitor my cycles and used metformin to help with my PCOS and regulate my cycles. The bottom line, I don't share that with anyone. I'm not hiding anything but people don't walk around and announce to others that they have heart disease or impotence :laughing: , so why should people know that I have PCOS and that my fertility was a little more monitoring or tricky than most?? I remember my boss asking if twins run in my family or if I required fertility treatments. I thought that was so rude. How is that anyone's business. IN fact there are a few sets of twins on my mom's side but still.... all I said is that we're thrilled and excited by our double blessing and yes, they run in our family. The rest isn't their business.

Of course, like others, if a friend or someone mentions that they are struggling with fertility, I go into more detail to try and help and make that person feel as though they are not alone. The rest of the world i'd like to slap silly for being rude :catfight:

Anyhoo, do what makes you feel comfortable, you don't owe ANYBODY any more info than you are prepared to give!


Merry x-mas

 

Im usually very open about it. I used injectibles for 3 of my 4 kids. My oldest was clomid. When the babies were first born I was very uncomfortable with talking about it. As the babies got older I became more and more comfortable with it. When people ask if they were fert drug babies I say "yep, all my babies were". People always seem very surprised that I would go through fertility treatments that many times. I don't tell people irl the struggles I had with all my pgs or the complications that came with fertility drugs but I have no problem telling most people. You have to do what is comfortable for you. You may find you are more comfortable over time with telling people or not.

 

We also conceived twins through IVF. We were very open with our friends about it through the whole process. But I have told very few people at work. (I'm just a private person if I don't know you really well.) I was sure coworkers would flat out ask, but no one has (and I'm 31 weeks). Yes, people do ask if they run in our family and if I was surprised. I don't lie, I just say "no, they don't run in our family - isn't it crazy?!" I really don't think most people are fishing to see if we did fertility treatments. And personally, I don't feel that the questions are rude. I just think people are super curious about twins and wonder what it would be like. If you don't want to tell people, don't. Try out a few different responses and you'll find something that you're comfortable with.

Congrats!!! Wishing you a H&H 9 months!

 

With friends and family I am fairly open about needing help to conceive all four of my kids. I think most know that the twins were conceived through IVF and if anyone wants to talk to me about it, I am more than willing to share my experiences. The rest of the world really doesn't need to know how my kids were conceived.

My standard answer to the questions I have now gotten about a bajillion times:
Was I surprised? Yep, especially since an earlier ultrasound showed one baby
Do twins run in my family? Yep, I have twin cousins
Were your twins conceived naturally? Yep - since as far as I'm concerned there is no unnatural way to conceive a baby
Did you do IVF, take fertility drugs, etc? Why do you ask? Most of the times the person just drops it here, but occasionally someone will give me a good reason for asking so I'll tell them more.

 

We were nervous at first about telling people how we got pregnant! Our oldest & our b/g twins are from IVF. There weren't many questions with our first, but by the time our twins came along, we held nothing back! More often that not, we got to know others who were in a similar situation & were able to share our experience.
"Do twins run in your family?" No, but we had the best help!!!!!

 

I don't have any experience with infertility so I can't really say what I would do, but I would think I'd keep it between close friends and family unless I knew someone was struggling and needed advice. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to go through that and the thought of people placing judgement on you for it is just heartbreaking. People can be so rude and stupid sometimes! I'm sure if everyone had to experience what you guys have to conceive they would shut their mouths. I will say though that you probably will be asked by strangers if they are natural, I know I have been asked, so your smart to have an idea of what you're going to say. Congratulations on your twins, I hope you have a healthy 9 months!