Troubles with my Mother-in-law!

I have been on here once before about advice in regards to my MIL. I'll recap the last situation so you can have a bit of insight of the problems. Last Summer, I caught her putting supplements into my twins bottles after I told her that we were not going to use supplements with our children unless it was deemed appropriate with our doctor; to sum it up I point blank told her not to do it. When I caught her I was furious, and when I confronted she told me she was only sorry that she had done this at a stressful time in my life. I tried to get over that incident but she betrayed my trust and it's not something I can just get over. I am always watching now and it sometimes makes me miserable to know I HAVE TO watch her every move.

A few weeks ago, she tried again to pressure us to give the twins supplements. I told her, by her insistent pressure that it made me even more uncomfortable to trust her. She reassured me that she would never do anything like she had previously had done. Although I was not over it I just let it go because keeping anger with her is only going to hurt my family as a whole, even though my husband agreed with me. As long as I was in control and had watchful eye I could make nice. It also helped that we now live over two hours away. Plus, we had left the twins with her a couple times after the Summer incident but not for long periods of time and we usually only left them at bed time. This was only when we had to be somewhere and we had no other baby sitter.

My MIL is an self-professed hippie and along with that we have had issues about smoking pot in around the children. Last Summer, we moved in with them as our new house was being finished. It was a long six weeks. The first day we had moved in, before the other "incident," my husband and I moved our belongings from our condo to a storage as my MIL watched the twins. When we returned to his parents her eyes were red and she was very confused. On several occasions that night she asked how to make bottles, even though she had made them a hundred times before. She then told me she had been making them wrong the whole time we were gone (the back of the can could be an indication on how to make them but I guess she could remember that either). I told my husband to have a talk with her about smoking when she was left alone with the children. She told my husband she had not smoked, but I think she denied it because she new she would be in hot water. Several months after that incident I once again felt like she was high when I walked in the door and saw the pot on his parents bed but this time we didn't confront her, I know that should have been confronted and my husband and I take blame for letting it go. Fast forward to this past weekend. I was trying to trust her again so I agreed to leave the children with her only if it was after the twins bed time so my husband and I could enjoy some time alone. We don't know anyone in our new town and the only time we have alone is when we go back to our home town, which is not too often. The twins were spending time with my Mom and my husband went to pick them up. After he left, my MIL, knowing fully she would be left alone with the twins, looked me dead in the eyes and said she was going to get stoned she proceeded to walk in her room and do just that, get high. I quickly called my husband and told him to leave the kids at my Moms and we would pick them up later. She was very angry when my husband showed up with no babies, still not understanding why. My husband had another talk with her, she said she was sorry and it would happen again, she just "forgot." My husband told her it won't be happening again because we now refuse to leave the kids alone with her, at any time of the day. She kept asking my husband if I was mad and my husband responded by saying, I think she is just done with you. Which is exactly how I feel. I should have known, it's not shocking just annoying.

This is it the damage is done and there is NO going back. The twins will NEVER stay with his parents alone again, no matter what. But I still have to see her and I have to find a way accept her presence. We are having Christmas at our house and I am not going to have my twins first Christmas ruined because of the stupidity of their grandmother. HOW do I just tolerate her? I am truly done with her but she is still the kids grandmother and I have got to find a way to tolerate her but with the anger that I am having right now I don't know if I can pull that off by Christmas day. I don't know what to say to her. I have to confront her but I am angry and if I had a conversation with her today my words would not be nice. I need advice on how to handle her. Please help.

 

The only way to handle people like that is to make the decision early on that it's not going to bother you.

You're right, she's your mother-in-law, love it or hate it. She's going to be a part of your life and she's the grandmother of your children. There's really no way to avoid her presence and so the only real option is to make the active choice to be pleasant and not let her antics get to you. If your husband is willing (and it sounds like he is), he needs to deal with her behavior. On the other hand, ANY behavior that endangers the well-being of your children is absolutely unacceptable. I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it in my home and I'd make that crystal clear.

I deal with this often with my father-in-law and his wife. They show up here, drink heavily, bring inappropriate gifts to give to my children (although, admittedly her influence has reigned him in a bit) and generally act like children the entire time. I'm pleasant, but I don't accommodate or give into their behavior. And, when I've had enough, I suddenly realize I have laundry to fold in the bedroom or an important errand to run. I stick to the boys' schedules and do what I want to do whether they like it or not. And I can tell you that this is SO much easier than spending the time leading up to their visits stressed out or being angry because she decides to cook potatoes for Christmas dinner at 9:00 am and makes enough for three people instead of twelve (but I'm not bitter :lol.

That's the best advice I have. Good luck. And lots of :hug: to you. I know it's not easy.

 

WOW I don't blame you for being done with her!
My MIL is a pain is the *** and undermines me all the time. We simply decided that we wouldn't have her watch them anymore unless it was for short periods of time, like an hour or so. We have told her that she doesn't have to like our rules but she has to respect them and if she doesn't then she wont get time with her grandkids.
Here is how I deal with her at functions: I mostly ignore her or make very little conversation. If she says something ignorant to me I call her on it and then walk away and slowly those comments are dwindling. I also have my husband do most of the dealings and rule inforcing so that I don't have to get into it with her. There have been times when she ignores our wishes and at those times we remove the children from her. ex she was feeding my 8 month old twins cake when we asked her not to she said to bad so I walked over and took the twins from her. What I have learned the most is to try not to let it bother me and ruin my day. If she is doing something innappropriate I remove us from the situation and it is her loss. Best of luck with the holidays

 

This is a tough situation. I would be furious too! How ridiculous of her to say she forgot! What exactly did she forget, that she can't be high and take care of twinfants?!

I know that if it were me I would be polite for my husband and kids' sakes and that is all. I wouldn't confront her about it b/c for me to confront someone I have to want there to be a change or a resolution. What would you want the result of a confrontation to be? In my opinion there's nothing she can say that would repair your broken trust. If she started a conversation with you and was apologizing that would be one thing, but I would not initiate a conversation with her about it. She might not want to apologize to you and then you don't want to get in a fight on Christmas.

 

This woman is a flippin nut. Don't ever apologize for doing what is right for your babies. They are not safe in her presence. She seriously has psychological problems. I remember the whole thing about the supplements and thought she was bizarre then but now about the pot. People smoke pot because they are self medicating themselves for whatever emotional disturbances they are dealing with. She needs a psychiatrist and under no circumstances should she ever be left alone with children. It almost sounds like she needs a sitter for herself. Wow. Sorry for being so harsh.

 

WOW puts my MIL issues to shame....smoking pot infront of your kids??? holy batman that is just WRONG.

i would say have you and your DH sit down with her and really have a conversation. i don't know what to tell you but i really hope things get better!!! good luck!! and big hugs!!!!!

 

I echo Gini's advice in terms of dealing with her at Christmas. I would not leave the children in her care at this point in time if you cannot trust her (and rightfully so). At some point if you and your DH (after the holidays) want to talk to her about it, I would try to find a time when she is not high and discuss your feelings about the situation and why you and DH made the decision to not leave the children in her care. Right now, I'd make the decision to not let her bother you, enjoy your holiday and have the discussion with her after the holiday. If she decides to bring it up with you on Christmas, I would tell her that you do want to discuss it but let's find a day that is not a holiday to do so.
Good luck :hug:

 

wow! I just wanted to say Big Hugs to you!

I'm happy that your husband is on the same page as you. What a mess. Stay firm.

 

Wow. I remember reading your post about the supplementing. I would definitely never leave them again with her EVER AGAIN. I agree with what others have said about keeping things cordial for the children's sake...there's nothing that you can do to change her. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do.

Shannon

 

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this, especially at the holidays. :hug: But I agree with Gini, anything at all that could potentially endanger my kids would be unacceptable to me. If she can't stay away from the pot long enough to look after the kids then, you are right, she shouldn't be left alone with them. I would be polite & I would still take the kids to visit her, she is Grandma after all, but I wouldn't leave her to look after them.

 

I am going to take this advice as well. I have some MIL issues going on and I need to print this out and slap it on the back of my hand to read at all times.

Nope, not bitter :blbl:

To the OP, I am sorry that you have to deal with such issues. I admire how you go about dealing with your "closet supplementing, pot smoking" MIL. :hug:

 

Your right. There is no resolution to solve. There is no reason to confront her if all I am going to do is start something that just puts more stress into the situation. I have made my decision, she isn't not going to be around my kids if my husband or myself can not be present. I will talk to her when she asks a question and respond nicely but there will be no more "real" conversation and no "let's go shopping" days. If I continue to have a normal relationship with her she will do something stupid, even if she is supervised, and we will be in the same position six months later.

 

Im speechless really! Wow! I have no advice and Im not even sure there is a good answer, but maybe just a good enough one? Just wanted to say... Wow... and be strong mom! Sorry she has to be like this.

 

Let me start with saying that I think you’re handling the situation better than I would!

If someone is using drugs, they are not watching my children. Ever. They might visit at our house, but use drug here… and they’re never coming back. And I don’t care if they are family. My children come first, and anyone who can’t, or wont, stay sober for a few hours is not only showing disrespect for me and my children, but also clearly demonstrating that they value getting high more than the safety and well being of my children.

I say lay down the law. She can follow your rules or not see the children. and damn people's feelings. You should not feel obligated to sit by and allow behavior that you believe puts your little ones at risk just to avoid upsetting someone.

 

Ummmm I am probably going to sound like a total and complete *itch here but drugs are unacceptable in any shape or form period end of story! Drugs are drop dead deal breakers and her rights as a grandparent to even see the kids would most likely end for ME period. Often times on this board there are many well meaning "get along with your MIL because she is your and the babies family" responses, but in this instance I absolutely do not agree with that when it comes to drugs. If you want to cut her out of your lives then you have every right, if you want to severely limit contact and not have her see them alone again you have every right, drop dead deal breaker family or not! For me limiting the relationship early on would not be ruining a grandmotherly bond for the future, it would be preventing her from being the one to give them their first "toke" in 11 years. And wow about the supplements ummm I don't think I would have ever trusted her after that! Holy cow!

Good luck, do what you feel is right for your kids, remember it is your job to protect them and unfortunately that sometimes means from their own family as well. I hope you can have a merry christmas despite all of these issues.

 

Honestly, cutting her out and taking away her rights as a grandparent is the ONLY option in this case. If she was a parent and was getting stoned while taking care of her kids, Childrens' Services (or whatever they call it in your state) would have a case to take custody of the children for neglect and endangerment. Thus, if you would know that she was doing this and let her take care of your children, they could bring a case against you. You have an obligation to not let her ever be alone with those children because what she is doing is ILLEGAL!

 

It totally agree with this. She would not be involved in my kids' lives if I were in this situation.

 

DITTO, completely agree. i have family members that are drug abusers and while they all know that i had twins they have and never will meet them. people with such a negative influence on others have no right to be in the presence of my children. bad people are just bad people and cutting them out is often the only solution, relative or not. it's WAY healthier for you and more importantly for your kids not to be exposed with that kind of garbage!

 

My MIL is very similar in that she is sTOKED to be retiring (as an elementary school teacher, BTW) so she can move 'up north' (in Michigan) and party.

Fortunately, we do not live close. There will be none of that in our presence. There will be none of that if she's anywhere near them. DH's stepdad has a problem doing it in the house, so we politely told them that we can't bring the babies there.

 

This was my first thought... if police showed up at her house and your kids were there... I'd fear they could make a case against you.