Advice from those who've been there?

I could sincerely use the thoughts and experiences of those who've ventured into this world before me. I welcome everyone's perspective, but am very interested in understanding how similar or different my experiences have been to other 'working parents'.

I'm a 40+ father of two 7 month-old twin boys.

My wife and I struggled for years to have kids, and though we had '34' more in mind as a target age, we'll take 'em now rather than never.

The boys are wonderful; the giggles and thrill on their faces when they wake up in the morning is so much fun. (Okay, I admit - when they're overtired and don't want to go to sleep at night, it's not anywhere near fun.)

My wife is a stay-at-home Mom. A year or so after we met, she was struck down and had to undergo some nightmarish surgeries. Despite continual pain that will always be with her (from the same source as the surgeries were to treat), she's lugging around 23 lb kids; something she could never have done 1 year ago, but has grown strong to do now entirely because it needs to be done.

This is the last place in the world I'd expect that I'd have to explain the difficulties of twins to, so I won't even try, despite the hammering we get daily from parents of singletons who insist that "It's just 1 more baby, big deal."

My problem is in understanding what my expectations should be for the boys.

I work a full-time job and bring in a salary sufficient to keep up mortgage payments, keep the heat on, and keep everyone fed. I'm not very fond of my job, though. Eh - I'm being polite. I detest my job. It's a miserable daily experience that burns out a tiny piece of my soul every day. (Happy to HAVE a job, but honestly wonder if my management is trying to hint that they'd like me to leave by the way I'm treated.)

I am mentally and physically exhausted.

My days are basically this:

- I wake up at ~5:30AM. (Or earlier, if the boys have decided that teething has made it a short night and their mommy admits that "They're NOT going back to sleep.")

- I let their mommy nap until I absolutely HAVE to get in the shower to head to work. I tell my employer that I arrive at 8:00AM; in fact, I was when the kids were < 3 months. Slowly, it dragged out until I was getting into work at 9:15AM, and coworkers could see that I wasn't getting there at 8:00AM. (I want to arrive at 8AM to leave at 4PM.)

- When I can't slip the time any further, I wake up my wife, who painfully gets up and heads to watch the boys, and I hit the bathroom, get dressed, and get on my way.

- I work the soul-grinding job until 4:00PM, when I leave.

- I'm usually home by 4:40PM.

- We pay a wonderful woman to help, and she arrives at 10AM and stays until 5PM. Per hour, she's a bargain. BARGAIN. However, added up, it's slowly bankrupting us. Thus, I get home just when she's winding up her day.

- I take the kids, and my wife is usually awake before 5:30PM. We "co-parent" the rest of the evening.

- The kids eat dinner, get 'baths' (sometimes, it's warm water w/o soap - as it takes the fight out of an overtired boy and allows them to get to sleep more easily) - my wife takes one boy, and I the other in some random sequence and dress them in pajamas. This is usually 6PM-7PM.

- The boys usually take 1-2 "last bottles" before heading off to sleep in our arms, and we carry them to the nursery and put them in their (separate) cribs. This is almost always complete by 8:15PM.

- My wife and I try to cram in "seeing each other", "eating", "cleaning/sterilizing bottles", etc. right about then, before agreeing on something simplistic on TV that we can watch.

- By 9:30PM, I'm off to bed.

- During the night, 9/10ths of the time, my wife handles the wake-ups. I thank her for that, she tries to let me get a night's sleep for work the next day. When the boys are both not in active teething, they tend to sleep through the night, so there frequently isn't a wakeup any more. When they're teething, there's usually 1-2 days of 4-wakeups, but otherwise they tend to wake up earlier; i.e., rather than 6:30AM, they wake at 4:30AM.

- And loop around. You have my weekday.

For weekends ...

- My wife feels exhausted. She views the weekends as 'recovery' days. I take the kids in the morning, as on a weekday, but it extends until she gets out of bed. Very rarely has that been past 2PM. Some days, the boys can be easy and a joy. Others, I'm ready to reach for a tranquilizer.

- When she gets up, she sometimes feels like going out. I'm usually feeling wrung-out by the kids by then, but have rarely said "no". We head to one place or another. The boys are good in the car, and out-and-about. When they get home, they let us have it, but in public they're demure.

- Again, the same ritual from 5:30PM on.

My wife's weekdays:

- She's woken up out of a nice sleep by me, after only 2 hours of peace.

- She watches the boys solo for 2 hours or so until 'help' arrives.

- Even when exhausted, she tends to stay up most of the day with our help, splitting the chores.

- Around 3PM, she gets tired and goes to take a nap. However, she won't miss mealtime, so she's up again after only 2 hours of sleep.

- So co-parents with me at night, the same as in my description.

- Some nights, she heads to bed with me. Many nights, she can't sleep. She's an insomniac. Going to bed at midnight or 2AM isn't totally unusual.

- If the boys are not teething, she can expect to be woken up around 6:30AM. If they are teething, 4:00AM happens sometimes. (Hey, I'm thankful for the reality that they MOSTLY sleep through the night. They didn't used to!)

- When I take over, she tries to get some sleep. Oddly, she can sleep at 5AM much more easily than 9PM. (Remember, the kids at 7 months old. This isn't ENTIRELY new to us.)

Her weekends:

- Again, she watches them overnight. Same as weekdays.
- I take over when they get up.
- She sleeps. She's usually up before 2PM.
- We either go out with the boys, or co-parent the rest of the day. Frankly, while co-parenting on a weekend, we're both usually exhausted and try to send the other upstairs for a nap midway through.

(If you don't see something, like 'MAKING MEALS' in there, assume it doesn't get done. We've both lost an amazing amount of weight. There isn't a 'FAMILY HELPS', as family is thousands of miles away. Don't see 'WASH OUR OWN CLOTHES'? Well, we mostly don't. I've worn the same 3 pair of jeans to work for over a month straight because I couldn't find the time to do a darned washload (or 20 minutes before going to sleep didn't feel like I had the energy) for ridiculous periods. )

My wife is sleep-deprived, and I'm getting sleep, but am totally exhausted in every other mental facet. (Honestly, as someone who's successfully been treated for depression in the past, I can tell you that I'm definitely 'depressed'.)

When we had the boys, I expected to lose 90%+ of my 'spare' time.

I admit that I never expected it would be 100% of my spare time, plus time that I usually pay the bills (almost got the power turned off a few days ago! Oops.), plus 60 to 90 minutes a day that I tell my employer that I'm present, but really am not, plus even the time when I'd use the restroom in the morning.

We still argue from time to time. We're aware that each side is likely to see the other as 'NOT DOING ENOUGH'. The arguments still happen, but at least the knowledge that they're almost expected helps blunt them a bit.

My wife surely envies my sleep. I don't blame her; between the kids and insomnia, it's painful for her. However, between when 'help' is here and my getting home, she has > 8 hours to sleep. If the night was bad, she has the opportunity. Unfortunately, she complains that she doesn't feel drowsy until the afternoon. Sometimes she heads to bed when help arrives, but reads, watches TV, sends email, etc. rather than stare at the ceiling.

I envy my wife the opportunity to do SOMETHING other than WORK + KIDS; to watch a DVR'd program; to read a book; to call friends and talk - even if she's hoping to get drowsy in the process. I'm typing this message on my _employer's_ time, surely to their chagrin (if it were known). I've heard people say "kids! My life is over!", but I truly feel like I've been reduced to a facet of myself.

Making things worse, I talk to coworkers with kids, and they tell stories that lead me to believe that they're not remotely involved in raising their kids. Nobody can have "a couple hours a day total" and truly be involved.

On weekends, the kids are a ... workload. They're too young to crawl, pick up their own toys, etc., and basically need to be entertained for hours, with me trying to slip in naps (for them) at the right instants. (Sometimes I hit the right window for getting one down for a nap; sometimes, I don't, and pay the price.)

Financially, we're slowly going bankrupt as our savings fly out to the weekday 'help'. She's a bargain, but .. well, it still adds up. I'm not sure how I'm going to keep us above water financially (due to that alone) for more than another month.

My wife and I have grown emotionally distant in 7 months. Barely seeing each other, not talking, and some residual bitterness that the other isn't doing enough (see discussion elsewhere) have made this a slow, sad decline.

I detest my work, and have fairly good evidence that they feel similarly. I have no time to do anything at all aside from work and kids. The only positives I experience are the smiles in the morning and the feeling of crawling into bed at night.

We have endless books on children and twins, purchased before the kids were born. Almost every book can be summarized by the following: "The father should do MORE!" Errr, that seems awfully simplistic.

Here are my questions:

- C'mon, given my situation, does this ever get better? Please be honest, even if it's not pleasant news. If ever YES (even if at 18), when?

- I'm desperate for a 4-hour stretch to ... read; pursue a hobby; watch TV; etc. once a week. No guilt about not coming out to grab the kids when both are upset (would kind of ruin the experience). I'd happily offer the same to my wife, but that isn't something she'd want. She already has time-to-herself. She wants SLEEP. I'm already giving her all the boundaries around work that I can without pushing the envelope just a little bit TOO far and losing my job, and she gets to sleep on weekends.

Am I dreaming?

Thank you for your opinions, even if they consist of "You're a lazy _____ and should stop complaining and help your wife more." (That won't exactly invigorate me, but I'd still appreciate the opinion.)

 

To answer your first question-- Does it get easier... hmmm I can't say that it gets easier it gets different. The sleep deprivation does get better once they are sleeping through the night and once they start feeding themselves and keeping themselves entertained things get better. However then you have the crazy toddlers that climb on everything and are finally able to voice their opinions on what they want to do and what they don't want to do. This leads to another level of frustration. You mentioned having to entertain them while awake, have you tried the jumparoos or the excersaucers? Mine LOVED those and they were great because I was able to get stuff done and around the house and knew they were safe.

You're second question about having 4 hours during a week to yourself... well that's a little harder. I can honestly say I don't think me or my dh had that for a very long time... probably around 10 months - 12 months old. But neither of us felt we needed it. I didn't have help and my husband worked like you do, and when he came home (after mine were already in bed) I just wanted to relax. The first year my house was a disaster, my dishes were never "all" done. I had to schedule time to take a shower, let alone have 4 hours to myself. I have a wonderful husband and he came home and made dinner because I never had the energy. That part does get better.

I'm sorry that your wife is suffering with an illness! It's great that she has help but if it's bankrupting you both then is it worth it?? I think a date night or weekend is TOTALLY in order for you both! Is it possible that you not use the day help and maybe have her come once every 2 weeks for a date night for both of you?
Twin infants are tough and for those parents of singletons (I was one for 7 years) they just don't know what it's like. Nobody knows what it's like until they've lived it.

 

:hug: It gets easier. You are in the middle of a very difficult time right now. I think around the 1 year mark it got a whole lot easier. There still isn't a whole lot of free time though.

 

I would envy your sleep too, but I also envy the set up that your wife has. I would have killed for someone to come and watch my kids while I did something other than feed, change, beg to sleep, clean bottles, repeat. Oh and take care of a 2 year old as well. :faint:

And my DH would envy that as well. I dont blame you one bit.

The first year is trying on your emotions, on your marriage, etc... The sleep deprivation alone makes even the littlest thing very BIG! I cant tell you how many fights we had in the middle of the night over very trivial things. I dont think it gets easier at all and mine are 3. It does get different and the things that were hard in the first year are either obsolete or a distant memory and now we are onto things like fighting, tantrums, not eating, etc.

If you have had depression in the past and know the symptoms, then I would definitely talk to your Dr. about getting back on some meds if they worked for you in the past. I would try and get some fresh air if you can. Take a walk with the babies, go for a drive. That seemed to really help us.

I think she has a killer set up to be able to go back to bed on the weekends and that you deserve some time to yourself. Maybe not 4 hours, but definitely some time to yourself since that is what she is getting. It's all about give and take and she should be willing to give you some time as well IMO.

Hang in there.

:welcome: to the First Year. It's a wild ride!

 

:welcome:

A couple of things stand out to me:

:huh: Um what? 2pm? I have insomnia too, but I have never slept until 2pm since having kids, no matter how much or little sleep I have gotten the night before. I guess that is ok if you have some sort of deal worked out that you are ok with, but from the sounds of it, you don't?

The nanny: It seems that it is optional? Is she physically able to take care of the kids herself? I don't understand going bankrupt over something that is not a necessity?

Depression: Please call your doctor and get treatment. Also, do you think that your wife is also suffering with some depression?

The first year is tough, no doubt about it. It definitely requires a lot of teamwork, and it's not always even. I think that in parenting and marriage, in general, you have to give a lot more than you take. I don't know that either my husband or I got 4 hours to ourselves that FY with the twins. It was hectic. Although, had I really needed it, my husband surely would have obliged. Is she willing to give that to you?

I'm not sure it ever gets 'easier'. Parenting is hard. Each age has it's own sets of challenges, and our relationship has had to evolve to adapt to those changes and challenges. It's definitely not always hearts and roses. :lol:

 

I agree with Becky. It sounds like you may both be suffering from depression. That may explain your wifes weird sleep habits. I can only speak for myself, but at 5 months and on I had zero help and never wanted or needed naps in the afternoon or weekends to recover. I worry that she is depressed and it may in turn be affecting your whole family.

 

My boys are one year old now and it has gotten easier to an extent. Now they are on the move and being at home is okay because we have everything baby proofed but when we go anywhere it is a nightmare. They sleep through the night now so that is excellent and I no longer feel exhausted from sleep deprovation but still mentally exhausted at the end of the day.
I would say that if you should get rid of your help or else cut down on the amount of time your help comes. Is it possible for your wife to go back to work to help out with the bills and perhaps give her some time away from home?
We try to get some time to our selves whenever we can. This is limited but my DH will go do his own thing for a few hours and he tries to do the same for me. We try to get family to come over to babysit one evening once a month and leave the house to do something together even if it is just going for a drive.
As for my house work and laundry well it gets done whenever I have spare time which isn't as often as I like it to be but I don't care anymore.
Good luck

 

I'm just going to ditto both DATJmom and becky5 on all accounts, they pretty much summed up what I wold/could say!

It's never going to be "easy". Every age brings a new set of challenges. I don't know what condition your wife has, and I'm sorry she's always in pain, but I was wondering if she would be able to take care of the kids during the mornings, and maybe have the nanny come in for a couple of hours in the afternoon. That way she could still get a "break" but it wouldn't be quite so hard financially.

I'm a SAHM to 4 kids, although my 7 yr old is in school during the day, and I've never had someone come in to help me past the first couple of weeks after the twins were born. Do you have a dishwasher? Throw a quick load in before bed, takes about 10 mins to load. You (or your wife) can unload it in the morning while the twins "snack" in their highchairs. At 7 months mine were making a mess with gerber puffs and cheerios. Laundry...same type of situation. Throw a load in the washer before bed. Change it to the dryer in the morning and throw another load in the washer at the same time. I admit my clothes rarely get folded anymore, but I have separate baskets/hampers for my older son, my older daughter, the twins, and 2 baskets for hubby and I. As it gets cleaned, it goes into the appropriate basket. I wash the older kids clothes together, the twins together, and mine and hubby's together. That way when i see my older kids hamper is getting full, i throw it in the washer. When the twins laundry basket is looking bare (or I have to search for a matching pair of socks), I throw it in the washer. I won't say I'm ever caught up, but I can at least keep clean clothes on everyone.

I've found that routine, for both me and for the babies schedules, really helps to keep us trucking along. I try to wash bottles/make formula at the same time of day. Throw a load of laundry in at the same time of day. The kids have set nap/feeding schedules during the day so I know when I can count on a free minute to do other things. That might help your wife with the day to day aspect of the babies and allow her/you to let go of the nanny a bit more.

 

No responses that you are lazy. Seriously, it sounds like you and your wife are doing the best you can. Kudos to you for working so hard to recognize her needs and help her out.

First, it does get better. I promise it does get better. If nothing else, naps get really regular and even, and when mine went to one nap, it was a glorious 3-4 hour stretch most of the time. They also get much better at entertaining themselves/each other as they get older. And they generally get "easier" on the physical side of things - they can feed themselves, move themselves, etc. Toddlerhood presents its own unique mental challenges in molding them into people.

My best advice? You need a break. I don't know if your wife needs a break, but you need a break. You need to have a conversation with her and negotiate an afternoon to yourself. Maybe have your "help" come over one weekend day, arrange it the next time family comes to visit, or just prevail on a friend to help her out, but you need a break. I work full-time, and I understand exactly the grind that you are describing. Sometimes, just an afternoon off work when I go to a movie by myself is enough to recharge me for the next month. And honestly, your wife is already getting a lot of opportunity for breaks. I don't begrudge her, particularly if she is struggling with medical issues. But it is not unreasonable to ask her to do an afternoon once a month at least. Maybe you could even trade night duty on the weekends for her taking an afternoon every week on the weekend? So, she can get lots of overnight sleep and you can get your time to yourself.

Second advice - work on lengthening night sleep. My twins go to bed at 7:00 and have since 2 months or so. I don't know how I'd function otherwise. We have several hours of us time after they go to bed. Try pushing their bedtime back. Shockingly, you may find that they DON'T get up earlier, which is sure to be your fear. Sleep begets more sleep. Plus, there is something to be said about sleep cycles, and pushing them back to 7:00 may cause them to stir at 4:30 instead of 5:30 and go back to bed. You'll also be happy to know that my twins have gradually started sleeping later. So, they generally sleep 7 to 7, and sometimes on the weekends they go to 8 or 9!

The first year is so, so hard at times. It does get easier - particularly in the ways YOU need it to get easier.

Best of luck!

 

Wow, I'm exhausted after just reading all that! I imagine you & your wife are definitely tired. :hug: The first year of having twins can be very difficult. I will say that it does get easier. It gets easier as they get older, sleep more & are able to entertain themselves more. At 3, my two will now play in the playroom together while I get laundry done, clean the bathrooms, wash the dishes, etc. They are old enough to enjoy watching a bit of TV while I'm cooking dinner. I still play with them & entertain them a fair bit, but far less than I did when they were really little which frees up a bit of time for me to get more done.

As for the help that is slowly bankrupting you, I don't know what kind of illness your wife has, but is she not capable of looking after the babies at all? If the help is costing more than you can afford, I don't see how you can continue on with that. Can you maybe cut the help back to a couple of times a week instead of every day?

And you need a break. Definitely. Go to a movie alone, go for a walk, play some golf, whatever you enjoy but, even if it's only for a couple of hours it can be really helpful. And I agree with the pp's, if there is a possibility of depression, talk to your doctor.

 

I think I'm about to sound like a big meanie, but I see a problem with your wife, not you.

I don't even really know what to say, or better yet, how to say it..... but your wife has a gem and I think someone needs to let her know. This is coming from a stay at home mom.

 

As a person who has suffered from depression for many years of my life, it sounds as though both of you may need to speak to a professional about getting help in that department. The way you describe your life, it sounds like your wife only cares for the babies at night, is that correct? I for one have always had help, but I never slept all day to make up for farctured sleep at night.I napped when the twins began napping for longer periods twice a day (I napped for one of their naps and did house stuff the other), but rarely before then. I had help to help me with the kids, not take care of them for me there is a difference. If your wife is depressed, her sleeping habits are simply making it worse- that's what sleeping all day does to my depression. All new parents are sleep deprived, that is not unusual. However, it sounds like she is getting more than enough sleep to me. If she sleeps all day while you work and then sleeps again all day on the weekends, her sleep cycles are all screwed up and she really needs to try to get back to sleeping at night and napping for short periods to catch up rather than just sleeping the days away. I have struggled seriously with insomnia as well as the depression, so I am speaking only from my experience. Lack of sleep and fractured sleep as well as mixing up the schedule will all contribute to pain perception (i.e. horrible sleep and depression makes chronic pain worse), emotional health and physical health.

No matter how you look at it getting used to being a parent the first year is really difficult. You do lose a lot of yourself and your time to yourself. I know I have rarely used the restroom alone since having children 6 years ago. It's part of the job description! However, there are ways to make sure you stay mentally healthy and also to get an hour or 2 to yourself to do something you want to do. Getting out of the house for fresh air with the kids as PP suggested is a wonderful idea for all of you. You really do need to talk to your wife about how you are feeling without making her feel like she is at fault. You have to say things in such a way that make it certain that you are not criticising her, but let her know how you feel. You say you have "lost" each other (which is really common for new parents) so you have to find your way back to each other.

PP's have given you lots of great advice about everything. I just wanted to really chime in about the depression and sleep issues. They really go hand in hand and can only make things worse when they aren't in a healthy cycle. If your wife is unable to care for the babies, it may be different for you both and very difficult. But I am hearing depression red flags all over your post and that really needs to be addressed first. You can't always handle all the other "stuff" until the fog is lifted. I wish you both all the luck in the world. Do know it won't always be this difficult, especially if you both get the help you need. Children are always hard, but not always so physically draining. It can be frustrating,infuriating and also lots of fun. I hope what I have said doesn't offend. I am only trying to help!

Kelly

 

^^^ What she said. My husband helps when he gets home but we have 3 month old twins and an 18 month old and I do it by myself all day and many days I am in tears by the days end...I sure would love to have someone come and even just help me with the kids let alone do it for me while I even had a shower or brushed my teeth or changed my underwear! Sounds like she has it made. And not waking up til 2...yeah wouldn't fly with me. You deserve some time too for sure! Definitely talk to a doc about depression that could help a bit but i think you need to revisit whether she can take care of the kids or if she just doesn't want to do it by herself. Good luck and I am definitely hoping it gets better myself!

 

DUDE! I agree with Rachel!

your wife has it made in the SHADE! Don't let her see this! JK.

If it's bankrupting you, you need to either stop having her come or have her come for 4 hours A WEEK.. NOT every single day! Holy! I don't blame you for being upset. The setup isn't really fair to YOU. (And this is coming from a WOMAN!)

I also suffer from insomnia and basically.. it's not my DH's problem if i can't sleep during the time I'm "supposed to". Jeez! I cannot even begin to IMAGINE SLEEPING IN PAST FIVE AM! I haven't since I was pregnant! My DH would NEVER EVER EVER EVER have let me hire someone to help me let alone let ME sleep in! I am in shock. TWO PM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????

I guess I'm also confused. IF they ARE STTN, why is everyone soo tired??? Go to bed earlier. Take Tylenol PM.

Also, make sure the babies are on a good solid schedule. That will help you/her immensely. Read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". If your wife can start to nap/clean/whatever when they nap.. you won't need that helper all of the time.

I haven't watched tv in 2 years and 2 months! Seriously. It's kind of the price you pay, I guess.

I'm sorry that your job stinks and your wife has a "condition" BUT... the reality is.. you're both in this for the long haul and it IS possible to do it alone.

Work on the schedule. Take sleeping pills to sleep thru the night then no one will be tired. Sleep when they sleep. I don't understand why she sleeps in in the mornings if they are sleeping through the night? Take turns doing that so you can do WHATEVER you want during THAT time.

Again, your situation IS fixable. You may just need to put your foot down a bit. Good luck and thanks for asking us!

 

I agree with everything everyone has said! This quote is what I was going to say. Depression made me have very odd sleeping hours and I could never get enough sleep. She needs to get help (and you too if you feel it is needed). If you guys were still had 2/3 month old twins your post would be very normal. However, by 7 months things for me were at their easiest. They weren't mobile (and getting into trouble) and they were on a very predictable schedule. Mine were still waking once a night to eat, but at 7.5 months we got the okay from the pedi that they were eating enough during the day that we could do CIO to get them to sleep through the night. Since day 1 (or day 1 they were home from the NICU) I took care of all night feedings/waking and still do. I was able to nap when they did when they were younger but it would be 45 mins here and there.

I'm not sure what kind of illness and pain your wife is enduring but even when I had the flu for 6 days I did it all on my own. It sucks but you have to do what you have to do. I would set up a time on the weekends for "you" time. You also need to spend time as a family. Maybe you could all go someplace together on a Sat or Sun.

 

I didn't read all the other posts, but you want total honesty so let me be honest.

I think you are doing a lot! Maybe even a little too much....? I want to be respectful... but as a SAHM I do most everything. I would kill for just ONE day of help, but I get NO, NUTTA, NOTHING in the way of help. I have the twins, a 2 year old, a 4 year old and when Jessi is here a 10 year old (and she can be as much work as the babies sometimes). In my house... I do all the chores. The dishes are always done, the laundry is always done, the floors are clean, the house is picked up and again, I do it. When Jim is home he has to do really nothing. He loves being a dad and when he comes home he plays with the kids. He does help with night time baths and changes (but he doesn't mind). He would do more, but I wont let him. AND we have a great relationship. I think he has worked hard all day and being a SAHM it's my job to take care of the house (I know some would disagree, this is just my home). And when I say I have NO help, Jim has only been home a couple months this year (military). The kids are happy and very well takin care of. I say this, not to judge your wife, but to ask if there is something more to her story? Is there something wrong? Is she depressed? Does she not want to, or can she not take care of the babies? I don't think (IMO) it has to be this hard. If I can do all this by myself, and still be happy 90 percent of the time.....

If you can't afford the help, and if there is no other reason why she NEEDs help, at 7 months she should be OK to fly solo.

Sounds to me like you both could use a trip to see the dr. They can help her with her sleep, and if you are depressed you need to get that checked out too.

If I could say something positive? This sounds fixable. Its hard, but it doesn't need to be this hard. There is joy in parenting, and you deserve that. You both do. Don't rob yourself. Get help if you need it. Talk this out.

Sorry. I hope this helped. If I sound mean, I really don't want to be. But you both should be happy and this is my experience.

GL

 

No time to read everything but I wanted to give you big huggs. I have wonderful "easy" twin girls, but even for them, 5 - 7 months was our MOST difficult time. Their sleep was messed up and I tried to go to them everytime they woke. On the hour, staggered at half hour intervals, and they took 20 minutes to get down. So NO sleep for weeks. I was a wreck and my parents had to have an intervention.

It can and will get better. No magical time, since there are challenges, but it will get better. One day at a time.

:grouphug:

 

I know there are lots of opinions on here and many wonderful suggestions, ideas, etc., but I'll chime in too. I'll just say that the first year with twins is hard and yes, it does get easier. My little ones will turn 1 on the 29th and while there are definitely new challenges along the way, I find things in our house are running much more smoothly here lately. The babies are starting to entertain each other, don't melt down when I leave the room, seem to understand a great deal of what is said to them and have a pretty regular napping, eating and diaper changing schedule. I couldn't even begin to imagine this in the beginning, but somehow it happened.

I'm a SAHM mom and my husband is a military pilot so there are days when I am home alone with the babies for very long stretches. Did I mention I am almost 8 months pregnant? Luckily were in a short assignment now that keeps him from deploying and gives him a fairly regular schedule. Still, whether you are a mom or dad, work in the home or outside of it, taking care of babies is a challenge when you are on your own. Really try to talk to you wife when you can (oh I know that is easier said than done, many nights it's hard to find the energy for a conversation or heart-to-heart but we try) and see how you could each better help each other AND yourselves. Be honest about what you need from her and ask her to do the same. Financially I understand how hard it is because we are in the same boat. I don't have help that we have to pay, but in this day and age most families do feel the pinch when only one parent works outside the home. When DH and I get stressed we remind ourselves that I will return to work one day when the babies are a little older and that work will always be there. Our babies will grow up too fast and we only get one chance to be parents to twin infants once. Again, work together to see if there are ways to trim the budget. My DH is amazed at the deals I find on things and how much energy I put into stretching his paycheck as far as it will possibly go.

The only other suggestion I have is maybe to start putting your babies to bed earlier. At 11 1/2 months, our lo's go to bed at 6:30 and sleep until 6:00am most days. That may be a way to find your personal hour or two of free time in the evenings. Just a thought - at 7 months old I almost guarantee they'd go for it. It may take a little "training" and reorganizing of the daily schedule but I'm sure it'd be worth it. Hang in there and you are definitely in the right place for support. In some form or fashion, we have all been there. :youcandoit:

 

OKay you are doing a lot. I don't know if your wife is suffering from a physical illness but she should pitch in more. I had strep throat with 103 temp and still managed to bathe babies and feed them hubby couldn't do it alone. Sleeping until 2pm??? I can't remember the last time that happen for me. At 7 months why is she still requiring help? I had until the babies were 3 months and after that it was just me and Hubby. Also an earlier bedtime would be helpful. Mine go to sleep at 7:30am and sleep until 6:30-7:00am. If you want keep the help I use her on the weekeends and maybe afternoons 12-6 so you can get relief. Also, if you or your wife are suffering from depression please get help. Zoloft is my best friend.

 

Hey there,
We're also 'older' parents who struggled with infertility. Personally, I thought the first year was a wipeout. It got better towards 9 months or so, but the second year has been much better for us. We have a routine. They sleep pretty regular hours and we are not constantly overwhelmed anymore. We have no family in the area. My DH was home for two weeks after the babies were born. We hired a babysitter to come in 2 afternoons a week to help me. Otherwise, I was on my own a lot and we've all survived. Having a full time nanny is a luxury. It's nice, but shouldn't be necessary at 7 months (unless your wife isn't physically able to care for them?). At least cut back the hours so you minimize the financial impact on your family.

Please get help for your depression. We were both on medicine during the first year with our twinfants. It's rough! Your wife can get medication for her insomnia (plus an evaluation for depression?). I was on it for a while and it made a HUGE difference. When I started sleeping better, I felt like a functional human being again. It was an amazing difference.

I agree with the PP's who recommend an earlier bedtime for your twins. I completely agree. 6:30 or 7 pm might work. You can slowly back up their bedtime by half an hour.

You need some kind of break on the weekend. My DH and I trade off our sleep in days on the weekend. The scheduling gets easier the second year (not easy, but better). I know I will generally get a break when they are napping from 12-2. If I'm tired, I take a short nap. Otherwise, I clean/write emails/make phone calls. On the weekend, my DH does his own thing for a few hours.

Hang in there. It's really hard right now. I think everyone has given some good advice to help make improvements. My DH has a job that is less than ideal, too. We have an agreement. He will stick with it for now, but in a few years we will move wherever he can get a better job. It gives him hope for the future.

 

I'm going to sound like an even bigger meanie and say ... that if our life was like that? My husband would've walked out on me and probably taken the kids with him. She's not taking care of her children. It sounds to me like she's got some serious post-partum depression going on and needs help. BIG time.

Infant twins are NOT easy. But.. one person can do it. I do it full time, 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, 6 if my husband is working an overtime shift. We have no help around here. My Mom was here for the first month of their life, but after that.. I was on my own.

Medical condition or not, she needs to work past it and get help for it and take care of the children you BOTH definitely wanted. Its all fun and games trying to get pregnant, but its all work after it happens.. its not all fun and games. You need a break. And NEVER do I ever want to hear you (or in this case.. read?) say again that you're not doing enough. You're doing WAY more than I would ever expect a father and sole breadwinner of a family to do. You're on the verge of losing your job. That's got to take a little more priority.. because if you lose that? You can kiss your house and such goodbye.

And let the nanny go. Take a couple of days off.. work with her on a routine.. (Take her to the doctor for God's sake!) and let her know that she CAN do it on her own. Give her a day off once a week, but I'll be honest with you -- most of us never get a day off. I can't tell you the last time I slept past 7am, and that's WITH my husband waking up with the babies when they get up in the morning.

Parenting a baby isn't easy. Parenting twins is even harder.. but as the risk of sounding like a real b***h, your wife needs to pull her head out of her booty. She's got one heck of a man, and your boys are SO lucky to have such a dedicated father.

*hugs* Hope things start looking up for you.. and quickly!!

 

I don't fully understand you wife's medical condition as you didn't give a lot of details other then she has constant pain.
But recognizing that I don't fully understand what she's capable of doing, I don't see how you can keep calling your help a bargin, when meals are not being cooked and laundry is not being done. What exactly is the help doing? How long are your boys napping? Why do they need to be constantly entertained?
It does get easier, but in many ways it will actually get harder once the boys are mobile. Then they will need constant supervision. Now they can be strapped into a bouncy seat in the kitchen while a meal is being cooked. They can be cooed at while laundry is being folded. Soo they will be trying to unfold that laundry.

 

I agree with many of the other posters that it sounds like she is depressed (and you too). The first year is a very hard year and I really don't know how I would have done it without all the help and support of my hubby. I think that your wife needs to see her Dr. and have you come along. There needs to be a discussion about the sleep habbits, insomnia, lack of participation in their care during the day, etc. Maybe adding some meds for depression or sleep will make a big difference. It still may take some time to adjust though. Maybe you can ask your help to watch of the kids while you go together. If the help is really necessary, I would try to change the schedule a bit to have her there in the afternoon when it seems your wife is mostly tired. Hopefully her sleeping patterns will change and this won't be needed, but it may take awhile. It's just an option for 99% of Mom's to not get up when their kids wake up or sleep until 2 pm on the weekends. I would think that some help on the weekends would be beneficial for both of you to get a a few hours together or to yourselves if you want to move your help's hours around a bit. I cannot imagine having help all day and not being involved in the care of the kids or house. If there are 2 people there all day, then things can get done around the house even if she's awake only 1/2 that time. If you can get a system going where you throw a load of clothes in before bed and move them to the dryer in the morning and do this every day or every other day you'll be good. We still don't get to the dishes every night and my twins are 4 with an almost 7 yr. old as well. But, when the sink gets full, we wash them. We tend to grab the clean dishes and silverware out of the dishwasher as we need it. I also found that if I spent a couple hours once a month at one of those places where you can prep your own meals and then freeze them that all we had to do was thaw and cook/heat it was much easier than having to cook something every night.

I don't know if you've talked to her about any of this stuff or you've just been trying to get through the days and just haven't had the energy to do it. That would be a good place to start b/c it does sound like you're concerned about the health of your family and your financial security. It can't get better until you're both on the same page. BTW, it does get better as they get older. Yes, there are for sure different issues that come up and make you want to pull your hair out. But, once you have a routine in place and everyone is sleeping and able to entertain themselves for a bit it does get easier. Parenting in general is very hard work! My Dr. just told me that today as I was telling her all my issues and how exhausted and frustrated I was. But, we as parents need to do what it takes to make the marriage and parenting work.

 

I agree with a lot of the posts above. I don't know if anyone else already went into detail on this. But it sounds like you really need to get your little ones on a good sleep routine. Others have mentioned Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child, which I never read, but from what I've learned from other posts on here, it sounds very helpful. The biggest principle I used was awake time was no more than 2 hours when they were your kids age. If they got up at 8, they were back down for a nap by 10. Even if they didn't seem tired. (I'd have family argue with me "but they don't seem tired yet!") But once they did act tired, they were OVERTIRED, and then naps didn't happen or were very difficult. At that age, mine were taking 2.5 naps a day. The morning and afternoon nap were 1.5-2 hours long and the third mini nap was maybe 30-45 minutes. Sometimes they didn't sleep at all, and would just play in their cribs for a half hour instead. It really helped me to know what time of the day I would have some free time scheduled. It might take some work, but if you are able to implement a sleep routine like this it might really help.

I know others have already mentioned the earlier bed time. I always liked putting mine down a little later, so they'd get up a little later. We were pretty much on a 8 pm bedtime, 8 pm waketime around then. But if yours are naturally waking between 4-6:30, then they do sound like they need an earlier bedtime. Especially if they aren't napping well. If they aren't napping and not getting enough sleep at night, it becomes a viscious, overtired cycle. Maybe you can try pushing the bedtime back in 15 minute increments every few nights to see if it starts to make a difference.

As far as keeping up with chores around the house, it's always hard. I feel like I'm always a step behind. But a couple things I have always done is unloaded the dishwasher first thing in the morning, and loaded it after every meal, so nothing stays in the sink and becomes an overwhelming mess. Then I run it at night before bed. I also throw a laundry in before bed, and try to change it in the morning if I remember. I usually end up with 5 or 6 baskets of overflowing clothes, unfolded. But at least they're clean. These are two areas that I take sole responsibility over. I don't want or expect my husband to have to pitch in with stuff like this.

The parts that stand out most in your post are how much your burning your fuse, that it's affecting your job security. That is something your wife should be aware of, and do what she can to make sure you get out the door on time in the morning. The other part was about the hired help and your wifes sleep habits on the weekends. Unless your wife has a condition that requires her to rest, I don't see why the help is needed. If you're going to continue to pay for full time help, maybe your wife can get a part time job. It would give her a break away from the home, it might do her some good, and it would help pay the bills and alleviate some stress. Actually I think if you're not thrown into raising twins yourself, the scarier it is. Meaning I had help the first 5 weeks and was terrified when I was left alone with them and felt like I was 0% capable of taking care of them by myself when the help was gone and my husband was back at work. Once I was left no choice other than to do it, I gained a lot more confidence, developed our own routine (because I had to), and found it was easier than I thought. If I was always given a crutch to rely on others and let them take over, I think I would have abused it and would probably still not feel comfortable and confident in taking care of my kids alone. And I had to read the part about her sleeping in until 2 TWICE, because I thought it must have been a typo. But then I saw you wrote it again later on, so it must not have been. Tell me this is just on occasion, after really bad nights and not a weekend habit? If it is, then maybe you should give her one weekend day to sleep in, and you take one weekend day to sleep in. But I would think sleeping in until 10 would be sufficient! It does sound like a red flag for depression.

Oh, and you mentioned you had lots of books on twins. I read those during my pregnancy, but haven't touched one since they've been born. I learn everything I need to know here! So put the books down and stick with us. This might be a good outlet for your wife too (though you might not want her to see this thread!) Good luck!

 

Actually I was going to suggest that she DOES read this thread and the replies contained here. Maybe it would give her some idea that what she's doing is not normal or healthy for her family.

 

Was any of this helpful?

I really hope you can find some peaceful ground to stand on. This age can be tough, but it also goes so fast. Before you know it you'll be putting them in kindergarten then they'll be graduating.

 

I agree to an extent. But putting myself in her shoes (especially if she is a little insecure and depressed) I think I'd feel attacked and a little hurt that my husband came here before talking to me (if that's the case). And I would probably be a little embarrassed to come back on here and join, for fear that everyone now thinks I'm lazy and don't take care of my kids. Not that we think or said that, but in a stressed out, hormonal, possibly depressed state, I think I would feel that way. But maybe the husband can summarize some of the constructive and helpful points he thinks might work for their situation, and find a non-confrontational way to approach it with her.

ETA: Just wanted to add that I don't think the husband was wrong in coming here first. It's very clear from his post he's just trying to find a way to help make things better.

 

Insomnia and chronic pain are a terrible combination. At the same time, you need more relief. I would suggest that you try changing the times that the helper comes to coincide with the times your wife is *more able* to sleep. It sounds like there is a window around 3-5am where she can fall asleep. You're paying for 35 hours/wk currently. If the helper arrived at 6am and stayed until noon, your wife might get 7-9 hours sleep and be better able to function and take more of the load during the week. Schedule the remaining 5 hours to give yourself a break on the weekend.

 

Many thanks for so many people replying. I appreciate each reply and that people took the time to write them.

I suspect I've done a poor job in describing some things; I don't think my wife is using me. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. We agreed before the kids that she'd be the stay-at-home parent (we wanted at least one parent at home; if we suddenly became wealthy, then both ), and we both knew that this included the bulk of the parenting. My having the kids for extended periods alone on weekends can be utterly exhausting to me. Add in constant pain into the mix, and ... well, it isn't a pleasant vision.

Thanks to all who recognize depression - and not only in (self-declared) me - but in my wife as well. She's certainly depressed; we've talked about it in bed while trying to get some sleep before the kids wake up; we both agree that we need to individually get ourselves to the right kind of help. (And, as I said originally, having been through a major depressive episode in the 90s and explored the world of Psychiatrists, Psychologists, and Therapists, I'm very aware of the proclivities of each.) I'm confident that I can get myself to the right person; I'm less confident about being able to get her to whoever she picks. From her injury, through surgeries, and her treatment by doctors afterward, she's not fond of the medical world. (And, having been there, I don't blame her.)

Some of our problem may lie in a path we've taken: My wife believes that 'Cry To Sleep' is an utterly cruel and cold plan, and will have no part of it. (Even she admits, waiting 5 minutes for a fussy boy to calm down and doze off for a nap is painful [i.e., allowing him to cry 5 minutes].) Our pair were sleeping from 8PM to 6AM straight, with no wake-ups. Teething has disturbed that, and now one of the boys picked up an ugly cold from a cousin. The past 3 nights have been close to waking-every-hour-as-the-sick-child-is-crying. The other child (who has the same cold, but isn't as affected by it) actually is sleeping "straight", but deciding that the morning begins at 4AM. He starts by chattering away in his crib, which wakes us, and that moves on to crying in about 30 minutes. If his brother isn't awake by the time crying starts, he suddenly will be.

My wife was very giving to me last night; she handled all of the wakeups (errr, I actually slept through them and she didn't wake me up - I sleep almost comatose). I took both boys downstairs at 5:30AM and told her to try to get some sleep. (SHE was actually in the process of taking them downstairs herself and I interceded.) She couldn't sleep, and at 7:30AM, she got up. After taking two ill-advised days off of work, she sent me to work, citing that she'd 'handle' things today. (Effectively no help this week; holidays and all. She has a 'helper', but not someone who can watch the kids while she catches a nap.) I actually balked before walking out the door: If she's that tired, she's going to be exhausted tonight and since one boy is sick, I'm frightened that she may spend most of tomorrow trying to recover.

One thing that I wouldn't mind input on is getting the kids to bed. The boys have always been held at the end of their go-to-bed ritual. Eat, Bath, held w/ a bottle, falls asleep in someone's arms, carried to bed. I've been feeling more and more that we're making a mistake here: promoting the notion that the boys MUST be held (I could just as easily say 'rocked to sleep', even though they're not necessarily rocked) before bed. Short of a let-them-cry-until-they-fall-asleep method, what other options are there for getting the boys to fall asleep on their own (that isn't to say that they NEVER do; sometimes, you can spot a tired boy, put him down, and he'll just roll into a comfortable position and fall asleep; however, the norm is that they're held until they fall asleep. Lately, and I'm probably very obvious, the boys have been getting very upset right around their bedtime when I carry them to a specific comfy chair with a bottle. Screaming, arching of their backs, trying to climb off my lap (not crawling yet, not sure where they plan to go), etc. tends to ensure. Either a little boy wears himself out, finds a weird way to get comfortable on me, or their mommy finishes with their brother and comes to take the crying/still-awake other boy from me, and usually falls asleep quickly. I'm confident that at some age, they will fall asleep on their own, but I do have fears that we've followed a path that may be near-impossible to break until they hit "3" or something.

The difficulty of getting the boys down has been a source of difficulty for us taking 'date nights', even with a babysitter. Err, that and the desperation for sleep. (I can't believe that they were once sleeping through the night!) We either leave after they're asleep (err, fairly late), or trust that someone else can get them to sleep (not easy).

Does my wife read this forum? Oh, I doubt it. It's possible, but heck, I find time only at work (for the most part). Lately, she's been so desperate for sleep and unable to sleep when 'help' is here (as I said, our normal help isn't here, and a person to help out doesn't have a clue about the boys schedules, etc., so she can't take a midday nap), that the pair of us are in bed within 40 minutes of the boys falling asleep (which usually encompasses any surprise wake-ups with screaming, i.e., "How the h*** did I get here? I'm very very unhappy."). If they sleep the first 40 minutes in, they're good for at least 4 hours. (Wow, it seems like this cold + teething has knocked us back 4 months.) Anyway, I've gotten off-topic. We've talked frequently lately, and after listening to her complain about frustration, pain, etc., I've tried to convey that *I* am not remotely 'healthy' either, and if not for the requirement to support the family, I might otherwise be checking myself into an institution. I.e., I'm depressed too, and I'm doing my best to keep it under wraps out of necessity. Would she be offended by my posts? Probably. Despite the anonymous nature, she'd recognize us in my text and be offended that aired our laundry in public. If that happens, so be it. I love her dearly, and have never intended to harm or insult her. I mostly wanted to know about other people's experiences and perspectives, for fear that I cannot possibly be objective.

The sick son is currently making nights horrible. However, he only has a cold (albeit one that's making him miserable), and when he's over it (I'm hoping today is the pinnacle), I'll definitely try to talk my wife into moving their bedtime back. Despite being told that it does or does not affect when they wake, I could swear that I can identify occasions when either was true. (That it DID affect their waking time, or DID NOT affect their waking time.)

I apologize if I haven't answered all (or even most) of the questions posed to me. I'll do another scan through and try to individually answer questions. If I have a chance over the weekend, I'll do so then.

Again, thank you all very much for thoughts and advice!

7-month-dad

 

On the sleep front, mine started fighting going to sleep right around 7 months as well. For us, the answer was to let them cry it out, but that doesn't sound like a solution you guys want. I've heard a lot of people recommend The No-Cry Sleep Solution or The Baby Whisperer as good resources. It's also a good time to introduce a comfort object. Mine love their glowworms and little blankies. My son, who was the more difficult sleeper, also loved that Fisher Price acquarium thing that attaches to the crib. He'd stir and make it play and it would calm him back to sleep. Some of what they are going through is a stage and may get better on its own too. Sorry I don't have better advice. I'm good on the advice on cry it out techniques, and not so good on the alternatives (obviously they didn't work for us!) Best of luck! I'm glad you posted an update. I don't think your wife would be too upset. You could have very easily agreed with those of us who were concerned that she wasn't doing enough, and you didn't. It's a hard time for both of you right now, and I commend you for coming here looking for advice!

 

You've gotten a lot of good advice, I will say that I work part-time at home and take care of the twins by myself. The hours I work for pay are between 10-15 hrs a week - and that feels like all the free time I should be using to clean our house... I had a nanny a little while ago for a month and it was wonderful! but mainly its just me. not sure about all the issues re: your wife's abilities to do the work, but it does take a lot to manage twins. I hope you can both get some outside help, that will surely be useful. as for her insomnia - isn't that something that she can see a doctor for? though I know you mentioned she didn't like the medical profession...

A couple of items:
-I would say that she needs to start her day at a reasonable hour - or when they wake.
-Definitely work on the sleep thing. they should / could be taking 2 2-hour naps during the day, and 11 hrs at night.
-Methods for sleep... I liked The Baby Whisperer- and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child. Both were good. The Baby Whisperer talks about "accidental parenting"... which does include the holding to sleep thing. I think she has suggestions to help on that. she had 2 main ways to assist them back to sleep.

a Sush Pat method - loudly sushing and patting them on the back to break their concentration of crying. I think that is for the younger set.

the other method is the Pick-Up-Put-Down method... basically you pick them up when they are crying and immediately put them back down once they settle. don't hold them any longer. you will be in there for a couple of hours potentiall the first night trying this... she claims that sometimes it takes a little time and other a longer time.

I worked really hard on getting them to go back to sleep with these methods. for the most part it worked. we also had great sleepers until teething hit at 6 months - so I feel your pain. Again, around 13 months and 15 months were bad teething months for us!

one other comment... does the nanny do any housework or anything while the babies are sleeping during the day? or did I miss that they don't sleep during the day? my helper was amazing and got laundry and dishes done as well as floors. it was a huge help.

I hope you and your dw can continue to talk about the issues facing each of you, good luck!

 

Hi, I posted earlier but wanted to add one more thing. My DH and I both struggled with depression during the first year. We ended up going to see a sleep specialist. I read every book on sleep suggestions, and tried a lot of things, but nothing stuck. I was so tired and frazzled I couldn't make sense out of most of it. We saw a family therapist (licensed clinical social worker) who specializes in sleep issues. She helped us set our priorities and come up with a game plan we could both agree would work for our family. It made a HUGE difference in the quality of our lives.
I'm sorry you are dealing with sick little ones. That is very hard. Hang in there, Beth

 

I second the idea to check out the no cry sleep solution book. It has lots of good suggestions for those who don't want to let their kids cry it out. Reading it in tandem with healthy sleep habits, happy child, though, would be the best in my opinion. It has lots of good info on how children's sleep works based on sound research, and though he recommends letting a child cry it out, you can take his suggestions and use them with no-cry methods no problem. "No cry" is a REALLY easy read (took me less than a day... maybe one long nap to read), too. In the mean time, try thinking about starting a healthier bedtime routine that involves putting them to bed while they're pleasantly awake. I find that waiting till my kids are tired just made matters worse at bedtime, so I'd put them to bed awake (in different cribs by 9 mo)and they'd play there for a while and then drift off on their own. Make a predictable, set routine of events (bathtime, story, singing, bed, etc). They may need you to pop back in a couple times for the first few days, but they may also surprise you and drift off on their own, but either way, after a while, their bodies will be conditioned to drift off pleasantly on their own after that routine. Also, consider a white noise machine. I swear, my kids are totally conditioned that when they hear that sound, it means sleepytime. I'm sorry your wife probably won't look to medicinal help for her sleep/depression issues. That sounds like it would probably be a real life-saver for her.

 

I sympathize with you. My husband and I are 39 and have 6-month-old twin girls, plus a 2-year-old. It sounds to me like your wife and you are both suffering from depression. Having twins can be difficult, but it should not be so mentally exhausting all of the time. Our twins both love sitting in the exersaucers/jumeroos and are content there for long stretches of time. My husband and I both work full-time and take turns getting up during the night to give bottles - that way we each get a stretches of uninterruped sleep.

PS - We NEVER have the babies fall asleep in our arms - too demanding for us and we didn't want them to get into the habit of demanding it. We give them a bottle before bed and let them rest in their bouncy seat or on the living room floor before bed, so that they become drowsy. Then we just put them in their cribs. Sometimes they'll cry for a few minutes, but not much.

PSS - If our babies are "freaking out" unconsolably as you described, it usually means they are over-tired. We just put them in their cribs and they cry for a few minutes and then fall asleep.

 

Another thought: If your wife is exhausted from taking care of the kids all day, perhaps she should look at getting a full-time job during the day and sending the babies to daycare. You are paying for "help" anyway and you would then have a second income. Not all women are meant to be "stay at home moms" - there's no shame in that.