I hate being a SAHM

I seriously hate it. And it doesn't help how every SAHM I see is so thankful of being able to do it and that it makes me feel even guiltier about it.

I'm so stressed from the whining, tantrums, being stuck at home because it's cold out and there is just nothing to do around here (except shopping, and I don't want to spend more money)... kids asking for food all day and not eating meals, both still not talking at 21 months and making me feel like a failure. And in two days DD is going to have casts on her legs for weeks because she has tight heel cords and can't put her feet flat, and I just know she's going to hate it (she's the whiny one).

My blood pressure has been through the roof for the last 5 months and I'm having anxiety issues because of it and there are days I just don't know how I'm going to do it for the next 2 years (until they start preschool, which we will probably not be able to afford next year). The doctor told me to do some exercise and lose weight, but there isn't any gym that has baby sitting around here and eating is the only thing that makes me feel better nowadays.

Please tell me I'm not the only one... And I can't work... no job will pay me as much as daycare would cost. I just feel stuck and like the worst mom.

 

:hug: Fran...my DH and I were discussing this last night. I was upset with him because our cat is going to the vet today and I wanted to take her but he said, "Oh no, I will." I just replied, "I forgot, I am not supposed to leave the house and kids." Here he was trying to help (knowing how much I hate traffic) and my issue was that I feel stuck doing the same routine day after day and I feel like it is just me and the kids 24/7. I wish I could afford preschool or even some part time day care but it's just not in our budget. Right now, I would not get paid as much as daycare would cost as well too (and I have my Master's Degree...) unless I want to travel which the time and cost of travel would eat up the remaining paycheck after daycare. Most of the programs around here are for kids 3 and older and I would love to sign the kids up for something. I feel very torn about being a SAHM, some days I love it and I am grateful to do it and other days I just feel like what's the point?
You are not a failure as a Mom :hug: What kind of hours does your hubby work? Could you go to the gym when he gets home? On weekends, can he take the kids for you in the morning while you go out and do something for yourself? Do you have cable where you could do a free workout on TV while the kids nap? Have you spoken to the doctor about your anxiety? Is there a friend you can phone during the day or go visit?

 

Don't feel bad- you are not alone!! Being a SAHM is THE hardest job out there- especially when you have twin toddlers! Those other moms who love being at home probably don't have 21 month old twins! I work full time and if I didn't, I would be posting this exact same topic! My weekends are full of the whining and hitting and biting and tantrums. You are doing a great job, one that is really hard- harder than what most people do when they go to a paying job. Hang in there!! :hug:

 

He's gone from 8am to 6pm. I am soooo tired when he gets home (usually during or after the kids' dinner and one hour or less before they go to bed), I just don't have the courage to go out most nights. I have some time for myself on week ends (usually doing groceries), but it's just not enough... when the kids nap I want to use that time for myself and exercise is the last thing I want to do. I guess it doesn't help either that apart from watching shows on Internet, browsing the web and reading I just don't have any hobby either, so I often feel bored and like I'm just totally wasting my time. I don't know anyone around here because we moved 5 months ago, and the few clubs I've found that do playdates do it at the worst time for us... people have told me that I should go anyway because it's more important than sticking to a schedule but considering that my kids get cranky at 10am every day, 10am playdates just don't work.

I have another doctor appointment in one month so I'll mention it for sure though.

 

I'm not a SAHM, but I think your feelings are more common than you think. I think SAHMs feel like they have to like it all the time because otherwise they are going to be judged for staying at home, or have working moms tell them how much they wish they could stay at home, etc. I feel the same way about working sometimes - like I have to always act like I've got it together or I'm giving fodder to those who would say, "See, you can't have it all."

Anyway, I don't think you are a failure. I get frustrated with my kids just over the weekend, and I know it would drive me nuts being home all the time. That doesn't make you a bad mom. It just makes you human - like every other mom who is sometimes annoyed by her kids. As far as the talking, they'll get there. It's not your "fault."

 

Fran, you say they get tired at 10am...but that's when the playdates are...maybe you should just try it and see how it works out. It sounds like they take 2 naps a day, or an earlier nap in the morning? I would try to change their schedule. I'm working on that right now with my little ones. Can you hire a mother's helper, a teenager to take care of the kids once a week. You can pay her like $25 once a week and it could help your sanity. She could watch them like every Wednesday from 2:30pm - 6pm or something like that. Just an idea.

RE: Anxiety -- see a doctor abotu that. Don't be opposed to meds. I had to take them about 6 months after the twins were born because I had MAJOR anxiety. My husband travels (he's gone now in fact) every week for a few days at a time and I was having anxiety about being home alone. Now -- I like it when he's gone. LOL

I would:

1 - join a mom's group...the kids will get adjusted. This is huge! Or start your own by posting an ad on Craigs List and do it at a time that works for you.

2 - Talk to a doctor about your depression/anxiety -- they have meds for this that will help you. It has helped me tremendously. I'm much more laid back and can handle things better than I used to.

3 - Know that you are not alone. Some days are good, some days are bad. But you know what -- one day you will miss when they are little. THey are little once! Try to make the best of it.

OK -- my little ones are really quiet upstairs so I need to see what type of trouble they got themselves into.

 

They used to nap at 12.30pm... but lately they're very cranky by 10.30am. The main issue with the playdates is that it's group playdates once a month anyway, and not really something I'm interested in. I joined several groups to try to get playdates together with less people, but it didn't work... everyone lives 45 minutes from each other and it was impossible to get anything done (or they met in open play areas, and there is no way I can go there with my two, I'd just be chasing them everywhere).

Believe me, I tried, hoping I'd find someone who lives close, but no luck.

 

There's just something about winter that escalates the difficulty of being a SAHM. You're not alone. I told myself this year that I was going to bundle them up and try to get them outside at least once a week (as opposed to every day when the weather was nice!). But I haven't been able to do it yet because they've been sick the last two weeks.

I was reading the posts yesterday about a lot of people saying it got easier 18-24 months, and started to feel bad too. Because mine were pretty good up until the last few weeks. Now the whineyness and screaming when they don't get their way is about more than I can take. Mine do communicate pretty well, but it doesn't help when they want something they can't have. And I'm the first to admit I don't cope well when they have tantrums. So the fact that you can stand there and ignore it for that long is actually commendable to me, because if it were me, I'd be throwing a tantrum right along side them!

A couple things that might sound absolutely crazy. 1) can you maybe start going out on an evening walk after your husband gets home? I know, dark and cold. But I started running this week (in below 30 degree temps) but bundled up, I actually find myself enjoying it and looking forward to the fresh air and stress release. and 2) I know from other posts your opposed to tv. But there are days I would absolutely NOT SURVIVE if I didn't have a half hour of sesame street to fall back on. It calms them down and gives me a break when they are at their worst. And they've actually benefited from it - they can each correctly identify and say a handful of letters and can count a little bit too.

Hang in there. Maybe talking to your doctor isn't a bad idea. I did that last year and it really helped.

 

I have been there, Fran, and I had different reasons for not liking being a SAHM, but the result of frustration is still the same. For me, I found in my field (nonprofit) only the FT jobs pay well and budgeted for in order to be efficient. The PT jobs were with start ups and not worth me pursuing $$ wise. They also didn't match my skill level. Since I wanted to spend some time with my kids during the day, I decided not to pursue a FT job. I have come to peace with where I am and I hope you can find a way to do that too. All I want to say is your feelings are normal and you have no reason to feel guilty, although I know that's way easier said than done! Just know you're not alone and we're always here to support you .

 

ditto! when i just had one child i LOVED it, we went everywhere, or stayed home and i was able to manage quite well and the stroller was sooo much lighter getting off and on the buses LOL
when i have my 4 kids ages 6 and under im overwhelmed with everything and think "only 3 more years" then they will all be full time school! SAHM is not the job i signed up for as a full time job 24-7 so your not alone:headbang:

 

Hi, I'm a SAHM, too. I hated the first year. It was such a huge adjustment and life change. I'm now doing better, but it's not even close to easy. My career was much easier than staying home, and it was a really stressful job! But I still had lunch hours, coffee break, adults to talk with, time to go to the bathroom, and I took a shower every day!
I agree you should talk with your Dr. about which medications may be helpful. I went on an antidepressant last year when things were bad. I was eating too much to deal with the stress, and not exercising enough. I wasn't on them long term. But long enough to get a better plan in place for my life at home with the kids.

Can you exercise after they go to bed? I know it may sound crazy. I have a rowing machine. I try to exercise for maybe 20-30 minutes while I'm watching tv. I feel like I'm doing a bit more now and it's helped with my weight. I'm sure you can find relatively cheap used equipment these days. I also go to the gym (we have one with daycare) and play tennis a few times a week. Can you go walking inside the mall for exercise?

I would really try the play group for twin moms again. You can go at the beginning and if they get cranky then leave early.
I went only a few times to the organized group, and then we split off with a smaller one.
We had a play date scheduled yesterday. Honestly, I was dreading it. The kids were cranky and it was horrible to get them ready. Once I got there, I was so glad I made myself leave the house. The other mom knows exactly how I'm feeling and it helps me feel normal again. It was a rainy day, so we went to McDonalds play land.
We also go to the park (it's not always enclosed). I spend most of my time running after them. After about 45 minutes to an hour, we're all tired of it. If we have the time, we get them in the stroller and go for a walk. This gives us a chance to talk while the twins are contained and usually a bit tired. I usually give them milk while we are talking to keep them busy.

We ended up having a mother's helper come in a few times a week. If you hire a teen, they can play with the twins and keep them busy while you take a break. Even if you don't leave the house, it's worth it. Sometimes I just take a bath and read a magazine article.

Anyway, you might not be ready for any or all of the above. If you deal with the anxiety first, then you will be able to problem solve and start feeling a bit better. You are not a bad mom. I promise. You just need a bit more help and support for yourself.

 

It feels "good" that other moms feel the same way! well, more of a normal feeling... I feel like a bad mom too because I am not 100% happy being home with them, but mostly is really due to lack of activities. Twice a week we go to a class and those are the best days, the lo's are happy and I'm happy...if that class was at least 4 days a week!
Now that they are walking is more challening because the don't want to stay on the stroller so we are more limitted on places to go....and the park, which they both love, are getting more dangerous since they don't have a concept of hight and I cannot follow
2 babies at the same time.... they are not happy with the just playing on the swings anymore...
and yes, all activities are at 10 am! why ..why....why... That is when they both sleep their best!
I've tried taking them out in the morning but they will fall asleep on the way there or back and then won't nap almost at all later on and makes it even a longer day!
and my lo's won't watch tv :gah:

 

You are NOT the only one!!!!!!!!!!!! We sold out house and bought an older smaller one so that I could stay home and I am loosing it most days!!! I am seriously thinking of going back to work next school year. ( I was a teacher) even though I really didn't like being a teacher! I love all the loving I get everyday from the babies, but I get sooo overwhelmed! So feel guilty as well because it seems like everyone on my facebook is always saying how gratefull they are to be staying home yada yada yada. I feel like debbie downer! Anyways just wanted to tell ya that I am right there with you!

 

I had to chime in here - I could have written the same post. My twins turn two tomorrow and somedays I want to open the front door, and run down the street screaming while ripping my hair out!!! (how's that for a visual!!) Mine too, can communicate very well now, but the tantrums are driving me crazy, mostly over wanting the same thing the other one has or wanting something they can't have. My daughter is the whiniest whiner and some days I'd rather listen to nails on a chalk board all day rather than her whining. Ok, how bad of a mom do I sound like right now?!?!?

My husband hates his job but feels stuck there right now due to the econonmy, so he "******" about his job ALL the time, to me, his friends and coworkers - that's all I hear about. But one time when I was overwhelmed and complaining about my "job", he said "well this is what you wanted!" Wrong thing to say, especially after having "one of those days". Yeah, he never said anything like that again and if I want to complain about my "job", he lets me!!!

I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how challenging this is..... Hang in there (easier said than done, I know!)

 

I didn't read all the posts.. and I do love the idea that I'm able to be home and not have the kids in daycare... but... it IS the most trying job I've ever had! And my boss (I do work part time from home...) has been a challenge to work for... but my twins really are more challenging than my adult boss... ugh! anyway, most days I feel like all I do is prepare meals and clean up the dishes and do laundry... I never get ahead, I feel like I'm just treading water...

as for meeting people... if you have a twins group in your area it would be a great outlet for you. not sure what area you are in... our twins group just had a playdate today at a park and it was awesome, there must have been at least 10 moms or more! over 20 kids!

our twins group actually uses www.meetup.com to host our group. meetup.com is a site that you can sign up and find "meetups" in your area for your interests... there are lots of local moms groups - you may find some interesting groups that way. here's the national twins group website... http://www.nomotc.org there's a link to find a local group.

as for playdates. ours are usually napping at 10am. but truly when we are at a playdate, they are fine, and run around for another 2 hours before meltdowns start! hopefully your will do ok too. at some point we will transition to 1 nap a day, and then we'll all be glad for the 10a playdates... but for now, ours are usually ok to get a short one before playdates or skip it and then get the afternoon one.

good luck! hopefully you can find something fun to do when 6 pm comes.... and hopefully your dh is willing and able to handle an evening of putting the babies down!

 

I haven't been on TS in ages. Really, I don't even recognize all the changes to the site it has been so long. None of you probably even remember me!

Anyway, I love being able to be a SAHM, but at times I feel like I am losing my mind. Especially lately. My life is completely consumed by my children and I have no time to take care of me. I really relate to what you were saying Fran. I take care of the little ones all day, drive the older ones everywhere with screaming kids in the car, make dinner, baths, homework, etc. Then I start all over again! It is the most exhausting job in the world. And in the middle of it all I eat!

I would love to have even a part time job so I could socialize. Without Facebook I would be lost!

 

Hi there,

I remember you!! I am not on here much either. I don't think I have you as a friend on facebook, add me if you get a chance-Jennifer Brown. I miss everyone who was in the expecting forum, most are not on here anymore which is why I wasn't.

As far as being a SAHM, I have a love/hate relationship with it. Mine are into everything and we are very confined. Our house is in mid redo. We do not have a lot of money so daycare is out also. I also can't find a job that would justify it, and I would miss my little ones. there are more days when I want to rip my hair out than not. I am grateful for healthy, happy babies, but would love a break once in a while. To make it worse the transmission went in my dh's truck so now he has mine and I am stuck at home. At this point, as frustrating as it can be, I don't think I would be any happier at a paying job because I would miss them and feel guilty.

Good luck all,

Jen

 

Oh Fran, I hear you. I actually went back to work 10 hrs/week just to get some adult company. It is a net sum gain - every cent I earn goes directly to childcare - but it is worth it for my sanity. I'm so sorry that it is not an option for you.

I really think you should mention your feelings to your doctor. It sounds as though you may have some mild depression in addition to your anxiety. It is so easy to feel totally isolated as a SAHM. We moved from 1 end of the counry to the other when I was 5 months pregnant with my girls, & I was a total mess. I knew nobody in our new city, & didn't much feel like trying to meet anyone while I was pregnant. It took me a long time to find my feet and start getting out & about, & the best thing for me was joining a parents of multiples club. Truly, no mother who doesn't have multiples can understand the trials of our daily existence!

You are a wonderful Mother, but you need some support. Talk to your Dr, talk to us on the Boards, & Hang in there! :hug:

 

Lisa… I miss you … remember our babies are going to prom together :air_kiss:

OK did not intend to hijack: I too am a sahm with help… (ok no one throw anything at me :tomato: ) and DH works from home and can pull away whenever I need it :escape: … and it’s still not easy… I feel guilty not spending a lot of time w/ my oldest like we use to (and soon he won’t want to hang w/ me) when I’m with him @ a one of his games or school things, I feel bad I’m not with the twins… I run errands alone (that is my lifesaver) but I do it at nap and DH or the babysitter listens for them…. So my, “me” time is target, whole paycheck… you get the idea.. I do run w/ them every day, but I live in so cal so weather permits that… and if I do anything w/ ALL of them… someone’s pissed or not happy… so even w/ more help than anyone could ask for… it is hard… And I think it’s because our hearts are in it… more than any job… so it hurts and sucks more than "some job"… because I have help it does mean I can run away for the day… but I don’t… I feel guilty leaving them w/ the babysitter while I shower... after just spending an hour w/ them running… most days i wait until lunch (i feel less guitly then for some reason)

Ok I am making no sense… I just wanted to chime in another "your not alone" :grouphug:

Elizabeth

 

Me too. I'm so not cut out to be a SAHM and it's totally driving me nuts.

 

You guys, we are doing the MOST important job EVER...we are creating lives who are going out into this world and hopefully, by the grace of God, we are creating great people.

Don't sell yourselves short...being at SAHM is the MOST difficult, the MOST rewarding and the MOST important job EVER !!!!!!!!!!!!

We are sending our children out into society and because they had a SAHM I hope they have a good and solid foundation to be able to handle the world we brought them to.

Be proud of yourselves and know that you are amazing and strong and gifted and your children and the world are going to benefit from YOU !!!

I know it's hard...but it's only hard because it's important!!!!!!!!!!

God bless you all and I pray he gives us all the strength we need to create loving and kind little people.

 

My DH works two jobs. He works a day job AND a night job.. So.. I literally AM always alone w/ the kids. It's soooo hard. I hated my job too, (I was a teacher), so I think it's really just MY problem. This job is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder, it isn't even quantifiable. I am constantly reminding myself that I am going to miss this. I must say that in my head 50 times a day. Cuz I KNOW I am that type of person. I am ALWAYS wishing my life away. I hate that about myself. I have done it with EVERYTHING. (high school, college, pregnancy, newborhood( For the record; I do NOT regret wishing THAT away.).. just everything. I do not know why I do that.

But I appreciate your honesty cuz it is hard to come by. I posted pretty much what you wrote here, when mine were newborns. I just straight up said it.. "I am NOT cut out for t his. I do not like it."

And it was true.

Now I am p*ssing and moaning MOST of the time.. BUT.. they can FINALLY say "Mommy, I love you."

And THAT... THAT... right there, makes it ALL worthwhile. (And FWIW: i am NOT a sap.)

My boys seem to be VERY high needs. I do not know if that is just my imagination or low threshold for noise and annoying things. Not sure but at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter cuz my blood pressure, too, is red-lining CONSTANTLY. I need to lose weight too. I am like you tho, TOO freaking tired! I want to eat my misery away-- and incredibly, it DOES make me feel better! (For the moment.)

I have a very packed schedule for my boys. I have since they were really little. I hate to say it, but you ARE going to have to push the one nap thing. They are old enough now. And it will change your life. The difference between me being IN a mental hospital and OUT of a mental hospital is: GETTING OUT EVERY SINGLE DAY FROM 9 AM TO 12PM.

I have never once stayed home in the mornings with them. If I do, I'm soo anxious and FREAKING out cuz the boys are OUT OF CONTROL in our house! I HATE IT! HATE HATE H ATE IT! I feel like I'm in a torture chamber. Even thinking about it makes me sweat.

So.. everyone has said it already, and I concur.

GET OUT.

Once you do it for 3 days, your kids will no longer get tired at 10. They're getting tired because they are not being stimulated as much as they would if they were out. Then you'll get the morning GONE and come home for lunch and nap them at 12:30 pm. And they'll sleep GREAT cuz they were busy in the morning!

Seriously. Do it. It's the only way you'll get to feeling better.

Go to www.mops.org and look for a MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) at a church in your area. It's a WONDERFUL thing.

Go to www.meetup.com and find ten groups in your area to start meeting up w/ people to do stuff. You'll be amazed at how many options there are if you just open your mind.

Things are not going to come knocking at your door. You have to LOOK. It's a lot of work sometimes BUT it's the only way to change your situation.

Go to your library. That is where I met about five moms I know. Join the YMCA. Take them to the childare there while you workout. It's fun!

Put some serious thought into it and you'll be surprised at what y ou come up with.

I have a planned activity monday thru friday and I would DIE without it!

Good luck and whether people are willing to admit it or not, all SAHMs feel that way. (Maybe not as often as I do, but they do.)

Don't feel guilty for being honest. Honesty is great. Your situation IS understandably difficult. Once you start going out, you'll be amazed you EVER stayed in.

And as far as having to chase your kids; that's just something you are going to have to deal with. It's not as hard as it sounds AND they/you will get used to it and it will not be an issue after a week.

 

Believe me... I looked. I spent the first two months looking after we moved. I joined every single group in the area... nothing works out. All the playgroups I found were at 10 or 10.30am 40 minutes away, and most of them were in non fenced parks with moms of single kids... Same for libraries that have reading time. That doesn't work because then they nap in the car on the way back and don't nap at all after, and it makes afternoons even worse.

It doesn't help that half our EI therapy sessions are in the morning. I used to go out almost every day before I moved, but here there is NOTHING to do. No place with inside playground, no nice farm to have a walk in... So pretty much unless I go to a place that sells things, there's nothing. Even the mall doesn't have a play area. I so wanted to join the YMCA but one of them has childcare at horrible hours every day, and the other doesn't do childcare between 2 and 4pm - pretty much when I would go. I don't want to spend that kind of money every month if I can only go two mornings a week when they don't have therapy.

 

Does your local library have any programs. These would be free. I take the kids to a sing-along program on Thursday mornings. Although it is tight getting home for lunch and nap they don't seem to be affected by sometimes being late allthough any other day at home they would be fussy from getting tired. The different activity seems to keep them going. Even if they don't have a program that you think fits in to your schedule maybe just bringing them to the library. Ours has many toys, a play cottage with kitchen, train table, etc. for them to play with and of course new playmates. Just the different atmosphere helps them and me break up the week and it's free so you won't be spending any money. You could even pick up a movie or book for yourself. Also maybe they have discount tickets to museums or other local attractions in your area that you could use. Ours offers free/ or discounted admission to local places. Even just go walk around the mall if you have one close this would be exercise.

 

BIG :hug: to you. I work as a language teacher but only have about 6 hours a week, if that, and I go to class when my LOs are at nursery. The rest of the time I´m alone with them. I understand you as I wouldnt want to be a SAHM either. We´re lucky as in Spain, where I live, the nurseries are subsidised by the local council otherwise we couldn´t afford it either.

You are not a bad mum and you are doing the best you can. Would you be able to get someone in, say. for a few hours each afternoon so you can have some "you" time? I dont know how feasable that is for you and how costly it would be. We did this last year and it saved my sanity. I find myself praying for the afternoon to come so I can get some peace. If this isn´t a possibility, maybe family or good friends?

You´re not bad for feeling this way either, it´s totally understandable. I really admire you mums who look after your LOs 24/7 as it´s a tough job. I hope you find a solution soon. In the meantime stay strong and remember you are a GREAT mum! :hug:

 

It definitely sounds like you researched around you. Have you tried meetup.com for local moms groups? Even if the playdates are at off times, I think it's worth being flexible a couple of days to meet some moms...and if you hit it off with any, you can coordinate your own playdates at times that are best for you!. The YMCA sounds like really great idea. Do they have their EI therapy every morning, or just a few mornings a week? What time do they nap? A workout for you and some playtime for them sounds like a really terrific idea! It would give you a mental and physical break, they could play, and then you could go home for naps and you could still have some "me" time. I also second Rachel28's idea of a mother's helper, even one day a week! A two-hour block where you can get things done (run errands, housework, prepare dinner, lie on your bed, close your eyes, and just breathe! maybe even read a book/magazine or treat yourself to a manicure?) You are a great mom and you DESERVE a break too. I love being a SAHM but those breaks are my "me" time and what give me the energy to take care of my duo so I don't get burned out. Good luck

 

:hug: I'm sorry you feel stuck! I don't hate being a sahm but some days are very hard and I really question myself.
I know everyone says to get out of the house, and I totally understand that but I can't get out of the house unless my dh is here. I don't drive and live "kind of" out in the country. We don't have sidewalks and I can't walk around because we have 2 lane roads that are really narrow not to mention all the hills.
So I'm home M-F with no escape... I found the trick to my sanity to be routine. Also to mix things up a bit and keep things interesting. Our afternoons are the worst so I try to pick new crafts to do during that time. They are really happy in the morning so I tend to get my break then. I don't have time for hobbies but love to play computer games and that's what I do. You have to do something for yourself, even if it is just to play a computer game or read a book. Mine really love to color so they do a lot of that. We did forts this week and they had so much fun doing that!
GOod luck! :hug:

 

Add me to the list of SAHM's who hate it!
I want to love it, I want to love it, I want to love it.... but the more I try to tell myself I love it, the guiltier I feel for not.

I've just coem to realize I have to do what I have to do and know I can go back part time when they are in school!