Ahhhhhh!

We had our 4 month check up today and the girls are growing and even a little developmentally ahead which is great. My pedi asked how long they were sleeping at night and when I responded 2 hours at a time, he was shocked and said I need to sleep train them. He said to take away their swaddles, swings, and just let them cry if they wake up at night. I feel like messing up everything all at once will be so traumatic! He said it will only take 3 days at the most, but it just makes me sad. I am thinking that maybe I should just change one thing at a time. Right now one is napping unswaddled, so maybe I should start with that? I know they aren't really hungry when they wake up at night because they nurse for like 30 seconds. I just don't want them to be sad

Since I am posting all my worries, I might as well combine them into one! So DH has been deployed since the girls were 5 weeks old and 2 of those weeks he was doing training in another state so wasn't with us. I am looking for way to make him feel more included even though he is on the other side of the world. Any ideas?

Also, I am super worried that when he comes home, I will feel weird about him parenting our girls because I already feel like they are "mine". I know that sounds horrible. He just isn't going to know what they like. I also feel like it's weird that he isn't going to know who is who. I think I just need to voice some of these things to you guys since I could never say these things to him!!!

Wow! This turned into a confused spew of information and problems! Thanks for the advice/listening!

 

They are your babies. Do you want to sleep train them? If you do, you don't have to go cold turkey. Yes it is the quickest but it is the hardest on you, I could not sleep train my older son who I was nursing. The nursing hormones would not let me hear him cry. I assume they are waking every 2 hours to nurse? I would try to get them to start going every 3 hours during the day (do it in 15 minutes increments) and I would also let them fuss for few minutes to see if they go back to sleep. Oh and I would NOT stop swaddling because they are not ready for that. You can do a no-cry sleep solution,it is just as effective, it just takes more time to work. I would read up on a couple of different methods (the library usually has the books) and see which one you want to do.

 

Sleep training your babies is your decision not your doctor's. He can voice his opinion but can't make you follow his advice. Personally, I would start with one thing at a time. Maybe get them sleeping in their cribs first, then unswaddle them (because the crib is so much bigger, without the swaddling they may feel insecure at first), then move on to getting them to sleep longer. It's totally up to you how you want to do it.

As for all the rest, I think your feelings are perfectly normal. Of course the babies feel like they are all yours, because they have been for so long already. I'm sure it will be a huge adjustment period when he gets back. I feel for both of you, you for having to be a single parent for a year & him for having to be separated from his babies at a time when they are changing so much! :hug:

 

Do what you feel is best for YOUR babies. You know them better than anyone. Four months is still quite young in my opinion to just let them cry. Routine is so important to lo's and if you want to change one thing at a time then you should do just that.

 

Ditto all the pps about the sleep training. There's nothing that says you have to do it at all and lots of us don't (myself included). At 4 months, it seems a bit early for him to be pushing you in that direction, especially if you're doing ok with the night wakings. If lack of sleep is affecting you in a bad way, then maybe you should read up on it, especially since your husband is away and you don't get a break, but if you're surviving, the no-cry techniques are very effective, too.

As for trying to help your husband get to know the girls...I'm completely clueless about what it's like when someone is deployed, but will he have internet access at all, even just from time to time? I started blogging when my babies were born and it was a great way to help family members who live far away stay keep track of what the babies were up to. I post lots of pictures and little video clips of important things like first teeth, first meals, first steps, etc., plus I fill the thing with silly things that they like or are doing. If you started something like that, it would be a great way for him to check in whenever he could to see them as they grow and change. Even if he can't see it when he's gone, he could skim over it when he gets home to find out that right now they love playing peekaboo under blankets or getting tickled on their tummies, etc. Maybe that would help?

:woman: great job doing it on your own so far. I can't imagine how tough it must be! GL!

 

I am definitely in the minority on the board regarding sleep training ... my pedi actually recommends it at 8 weeks. Across the board. I've not had a preemie - and I am sure that is a different story - but he gives out the sleep training instructions routinely at the 8 week visit. His opinion is that if your baby is 8 weeks old and over 10 lbs., that they should be ready for training. He does not say that you should force them into submission for 12 hours (heavenly), but I think he says 6 hours minimum, and all four of mine have done more than that, consistently, at that age.

It is an un-fun experience for sure, but it has worked for us. We did it with our first daughter at 9ish weeks - set the timer over and over while we watched a movie and alternated who went in to pat her and tell her night-night. If you are interested in doing the training soon, do you have a friend or relative who could come hang out with you for entertainment - or to watch a movie - as you work through those two or three nights? I think it is very helpful to have moral support.

As others have pointed out, though, this is your call - you should do what you feel comfortable with; but based on the information you provided and your pediatrician's recommendation, I'd forge ahead cold turkey.

 

I agree with many of the other posters. Four months is young, especially for taking everything away cold turkey. They are way too young to understand why suddenly everything has changed and what a shock that must be to their world.


You say it makes you sad to think about doing it. If it makes you sad then I encourage you to listen to your gut. As other posters have said, you are their mom. You know what is best for them in terms of things like this. Their pedi is there for medical stuff, but this is different. He does not live with them, wake up with them at night, know them or love them in the way you do.

Go with your gut.

If you do decide to wait, I agree with pps---there is lots of information out there about no-cry sleep training if it is something that interests you.

 

Personally, I think 4 months is too young, but more importantly, I think you are not ready and should not do sleep training if you are not ready. If they are happy swaddled, let them stay swaddled. If they sleep well in swings, let them sleep in swings. I promise the transitions aren't that bad later on, and you can always do the "3 days of crying" later when and if they and you are ready.

 

That possessive thing is natural. I'm possessive of my babies and my husband is here and actively helping me with them. I think it is kind of like "I'm their nurturer, not anyone else." Nobody should understand my babies' wants more than me because I'm mom and they developed inside of me for 8 months. I'm not saying its rational but I get it.

 

At our 4 month checkup our ped also recommended CIO. At that point they were both still sleeping with us and waking ever 2.5 to 3 hours. She strongly recommended that we 1) move them to the nursery 2) do CIO it at bedtime and 3) do CIO for middle of the night feedings, all at once. I was a bit shocked by that, especially considering that their adjusted age was less than 2 months at that point. So I got some good advice here and I decided that I just wasn't ready to do that to my babies. I wanted to wait until they were at least 6 months, so we did NOT take her advice. And one month later Brandon was STTN on his own, and was moved to the nursery where he continued to STTN. A few weeks after that Colin started STTN too, and he was moved into his own crib in the nursery, and they have both been doing wonderfully in there. I am SO glad I didn't take my ped's advice! And if you have any reservations about it I would not do it, not yet anyway. I knew I would have to be fully onboard w/ CIO or it would be a total failure, and since I wasn't ready I postponed it, and still haven't had to use it. I may do CIO in the future for naps and if they start waking consistently in the middle of the night, but until then I'm perfectly happy with the way my boys have learned to sleep on their own. Good luck!!

 

My views on CIO before 6 months were expressed in other posts. So I'll try to help out with the deployment issue...feels like my specialty. DH has been on 4 in the boys 2 years but all have been shorter than the one your DH is enduring. For the longest one, we signed up for Skype. It's free and worked great from the computers DH had access to on base. I just had to buy a video camera for my computer. For DH's first deployment, the boys were 2 months old, but had only been home for 4 weeks when he left. I sent him off with pictures and emailed him new ones daily. For the kids, he went to the library (or maybe it was MWR?) on base and they videotaped him reading childrens books. Now for every deployment we record more books before he leaves. The kids love listening to his voice and Jeff loved to hear that he "read" them their bedtime story. This last long deployment I got the boys "Daddy Dolls" from www.hugahero.com. They kind of look like voodoo dolls but the boys really loved them. They still like to hug and kiss them when Jeff is at work. Oh, I also made a "Daddy Book" that was one of those soft books you put pictures in, I just did them all of him with the boys. They liked to look at that too. Hang in there, :youcandoit:

 

Wow!! My husband isn't military, but this is awesome!! You really went all out to help him feel included!! I'm so impressed.

 

Ok, so your post totally got to me!!!!

10 days after my twins were born Jim left for 6 months on West Pack with the navy. It can be so hard. I totally know what you are going through! And on top of that, he's only been home for a combined total of a couple of months this year. There really is only so much we can do, but here are a couple things I do to help him feel more involved. We have 5 kids and he misses SO much. I take TONS of pictures. This way he doesn't miss anything. Im also very careful about the information I share, like I make sure he knows stuff about the babies before I tell anyone else. That way he feels important in their lives. Im also really good about just sharing the good stuff (I mean really? do they need ANY more stress in their lives right now?).

I was also worried about when he came home and how that would transition. I was worried that maybe the babies wouldn't want anything to do with him. And the first few days were a bit hard for everyone to adjust. Some tips. Your mood will set the tone. IF your relaxed others will relax to. Let him do what he feels comfortable with and DON't hoover or interject your opinions. Let him figure stuff out. If he wants help he'll ask. After a few days and everyone has gotten use to each other, leave. Let them have some alone time. I will say, when Jim came home it went better then I thought and everyone adjusted quickly.

As far as the pedi goes. I didn't read all the other posts, but... Don't stop if you don't want to. 4 months is around the time babies start to make their own transitions. They'll let you know when their ready to stop stuff and you'll know when you are comfortable with it. YOUR the mom! Yes, I agree, you need sleep but not at the risk of stressing them out OR you.