Not coping very well

I´ve posted several times about eating issues with my 2 LOs and really, really regret my decision not starting solids at 9 months (I had pressure around me not to at the time from MIL, the home help at the time and the pedi) but here I am at 18 months and I have to accept that I can´t turn back the clock. I had them on lumpy purees and eating some fruit and food over the summer and it was going so well. Then they started nursery in September, for the first time, and it all went to pot as they have caught every illness there is. DD also started walking at that time which also put a spanner in the works so we are back to square one.

My DD was the one refusing lunch but she´s OK now. Now it´s my DS but he´s refusing every meal and Im desperate. We went to the pedi on Friday and both babies have gained all the weight back they lost with the last batch of illness. However, both had slight temperatures. I knew DS was off but I was surprised that DD was ill as she was eating and playing normally. The pedi also told me that DS had a throat "like a tomato". They are both on antibiotics and have been for 5 days (it´s an 8-day course). Neither has a fever now.

DS opens his mouth for all the meds but wont open his mouth for food. He is also unbearable and will scream non-stop and throw tantrums and fits. This has been going on for a couple of weeks and I first thought it was his illness but it isnt. I know he´s doing better as I sent him to nursery yesterday and he ate fine and was happy. This behaviour is just at home. DD isn´t as bad but she does have her moments too, like all kids do. When they´re both at it at the same time, I feel like Im losing my mind.

The long & short is that I am slowly losing the plot and feel terrible as a result. Last night, DS just sat in his highchair and screamed. I told him "no screaming" (I also shouted at him :blush: ) then finally put him in his crib at the other side of the house and left him to have a tantrum whilst I fed DD. He didnt have dinner, though he calmed, but he did drink milk. I know no healthy baby starves itself but Im at a loss. I leave food out for them to try but it´s DD who is trying it, funnily enough. I´m trying to be consistent but am at a loss. I´m so tired too and DS will only calm when he has his paci and blankie at all times, something he only had at nap and bedtimes.

MIL is here a lot so I do have help (though she can drive me nuts too) plus they go to nursery in the afternoons.

I find myself getting angry quickly and yelling at my LOs whereas before I wouldnt do that and I feel like a bad mother as a result.

Any suggestions, help, advice? Anyone else in the same boat. I just need to feel I´m not alone. This has been going on for weeks plus I do classes at 8-9am every morning and they have me up during the night several times.

TIA.

 

Anyone?

 

Rachel, I have no advice about the eating but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My girls drive me nuts with the tantrums and fits they throw on a daily basis for who knows what reason and I find it very hard to keep calm when they are having meltdown after meltdown. I hope someone has some advice for you about the eating, all I can say is keep offering the food and hopefully he will come around. Are they on homo milk or a nutritional supplement? Maybe while you are working on getting more solids into them you could give them a nutritional supplement like Enfagrow instead of homo milk so that you know they are at least getting the vitamins/minerals in.

Big :hug: I am on this crazy ride right there with you and it is very very hard.

 

I don't think I can give you any good advice but I wanted to let you know that I've done the same thing over different sorts of issues. I still am up several times at night with mine which results in a permanent state of sleep deprivation that causes me to do things I don't think I would normally do. Being a mother is hard, being a mother to twins is even harder. Perhaps your son is feeling the stress that you have regarding meals. THey are quick to pick up on cues like that, and then imitate them. It's much easier said than done but why not try making meal time fun. Sometimes I let mine feed me food off their plate. They think that is hilarious. Anyways, I hope things turn around shortly. I'll be thinking of you.

 

I'm so sorry your going through this, I feel your frustration. OUr boys had strep 4 times this past year and it was h&ll!!

Are you sure the antibiotics are helping and that his throat doesn't hurt? Is he teething? THis is what Ryan does when his mouth hurts.

Also, this may seem silly, but we've switched their highchairs...so the one Ryan always sits in, Christopher now sits in, for some wierd reason, it was a whole new enviroment, without taking away the "dinner" table that I want to have. I hear they start to refuse around 12-18 months...could that be all it is? (not to minimize it-for lack of a better phrase).

What does your pedi say? Ryan seems to have a higher frustration level and we have been teaching them sign language, and that seems to be helping a little. We do it most often at meal times.

I feel for you though...I hope you get some suggestions!! :hug:

 

Big hugs to you! We have been going through a rough spell with our girls, especially at meal times...in our case, they want to feed themselves, but can't use utensils; but if I show them, they get upset and start screaming...I almost lost it yesterday! My mom blames me when they act this way, but as it was mentioned, twins is a whole different story! Like it was mentioned, have them watch you eat, and maybe eat from your plate...I'm at a loss too, but you're not alone!

 

:hug: mine are in their cribs, one with the laugh and learn lawn mower and the other with an empty bowl, toothbrush and 2 spoons. They are in bed 2 hours early because they are exhausted and did NOT sleep well last night and hardly ate breakfast. But it's quiet right this second so I'm not complaining. I just know how frustrating it is!! It sounds like you're doing everything you can! This is such a hard age with eating, I thought the infant reflux stages were tough but this for us has been much harder!! Mine are on high calorie/fat diets because they are VERY tiny and underweight.
This too shall pass and hopefully before long they'll all be eating us out of house and home, but you are so not alone!! :hug:

 

I don't know how helpful it is, but I do find truth in the "just keep offering" mentality. My DS is my picky guy too (DD will eat nearly anything). For Thanksgiving, he ate bread and whipped cream. That's it! I just keep giving him stuff, and around the 5th to 10th time, he'll eat it. In the meantime, all the "just try it," "please try it for mommy," "see how well DD is eating!" in the world doesn't help.

For tantrums, if they have no issues with their weight (i.e., they aren't toward the "failure to thrive" end), I would give him food, and if he starts to scream, just say, "DS is done!" in a happy, neutral tone, and take him out of his chair. Let him play, stand there, whatever. Do that every meal until he learns that throwing a fit doesn't get him anywhere. If you take him out and he continues to throw a fit, I think your solution of removing him from the situation is a good one.

I do think that a healthy child won't starve itself, and sometimes I think that if you can let go of the stress, it helps them. All you have control over is giving him food. You can't make him eat it. So do what you can - give him good food. It's up to him to do the rest, and you stressing is not going to make him eat.

Hope that helps!

 

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Both of mine have been on food strikes for the past two months it seems. My daughter won't even eat macaroni and cheese, which she used to inhale. I don't want to jinx it, but all of the sudden this week my son has actually been eating his meals. Before all I could hope for was a couple bites, but now he's finishing portions, and sometimes his sister's too. My daughter hasn't come around yet, but I hope this proves it is really just a phase. They've been continuously teething for the last 2 months too - their one year molars came in one at a time, then the incisors one at a time, now I think they're working on their second year molars. I think that is a huge part of it. I wish it wasn't such a long and painful process. Do yours have their molars yet?

As far as the screaming and tantrums, I have a hard time with it too, mainly with my son. I started putting him in his crib to calm down - not really even as a punishment. But it was good for both of us. He actually liked going there, that's where his bear and binkie is kept, and removing him from the situation helped him calm down. It was good for me too, because listening to him scream like that is absolutely maddening to me. I fight back the urge to scream back at him (and on really bad days, I do find myself yelling), so it helps calm me down too.

And I'm right there with you on the paci/blankie thing. Ours was always a crib thing, and they understood that. But with this bad teething, crabby phase, I find myself letting them take them downstairs because it's the only thing that keeps them happy sometimes. I worry about forming a habit we won't be able to break easily. But on days that they seem to be feeling good, they don't seem to notice if they don't have them, which makes me think maybe your son is teething or just isn't feeling well too and just needs that additional comfort he gets from his blankie and paci for now.

Having twins is definitely hard. Mine both have colds and have been extremely crabby the last few days. We had dinner plans at my sister's on Sunday. but it was just non stop screaming and crabbiness by both of them all day. It was absolutely unbearable. I felt like I wanted to get in my car and get a break from it all and not come back until they were happy and well again. I hadn't felt this way in ages. My husband ended up staying home with my son and I took my daugher. And they were both angels once they were separataed. I think sometimes when they are not well they bring out the clinginess, crabbiness and tantrums in each other.

 

I think teething could be to blame also. The nights arent too bad with DS though and I may go to him once or twice but thats it. He has 2 molars but I think more must be coming through.

I put my DD in her cot when she went through this clinginess and it worked a charm. Im going to start putting DS down too and see what happens. He doesn´t always like going to his cot but if I put toys in there & leave the shutters open it helps. It has in the past.

Mine are better seperated also. Hugs to you & thank you for your feedback.

 

Thank you everyone for your answers. It´s nice not to feel alone. Im giving DS special milk which has all the necessary nutrients in there. At least he drinks that but when he wants it!

Can you believe he´s "great" at daycare - plays and eats without any problem - so I´m wondering what´s really going on. Kids, eh! :gah:

 

there is light at the end of the tunnel.

mine were sick for over a week and their usual tantrums, clinging, whining, screaming was amplified by 1000. i wanted to kill myself.

DD stopped eating.

i was losing my mind.

this week, i have have new babies. totally turned around. i think they just felt like CRAP before.

whenever things get too bad to handle, they turn around.

stay strong.

 

I think all you can do is just keep offering the food. We just went through a really hard time with the boys, mostly Lucas, not eating. It was more stressful than anything. They will not starve themselves, so just keep offering foods. I know it is hard. Talk to their pedi and see if you can give any sort of supplement. We gave carnation instant breakfast once a day during this time, but the boys are a bit older. There might be something you can give to make sure they are getting all the nutrients they need.

 

whenever things get too bad to handle, they turn around.

stay strong.
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Daria, I may put your words as a screen saver on my computer, because I hope you're right! My LO's have been little terrors at meal times for quite a while. I'm wondering if it's a teething thing. I get so frustrated I want to run away and have someone else feed them!

 

There has been lots of great advice. Since, he is eating fine for others, than he knows he can get away with it with you. I like the idea of offering him food and if he throws a fit, say all done and remove him from the high chair. That way, he'll think he's missing out on something. If you are giving him all his nutrients in his milk, I wouldn't worry too much. This is all a phase. He'll eventually come around. It's easier said than done, though. I look back at all the things I use to stress about and laugh now. Hopefully, this is one of those things. I would keep checking in with your pedi and if he isn't concerned, then you shouldn't be. Try to let go of the control and not stress about it and see if that helps at all. 18 month olds can be stubborn. One of mine refuses to brush her teeth now. I keep telling myself it's a phase. As far as tantrums go, just try to ignore him the best you can. No reaction is the best reaction. If you need to put him in his crib to calm down and for you to calm down, then do it. Whatever works. You will get through this. Hopefully, once all his teeth are in and illnesses are gone, he'll come around. Good luck! Remember to breathe.

 

I really think you should try to relax when you are feeding him!
My sister had a son who she said would never eat. They would sit there with him and watch him eat and keep telling him one more bite, one more bite. And get mad if he didn't eat. It was a BIG production. I always thought if babies are hungry they will eat. When he would come to my house I would give him his food and walk away, do things around the house, basically leave him alone and low and behold he ate two pieces of pizza. He never had an eating problem at my house, but My sister was losing her hair she was so stressed out about feeding time.

Babies REALLY pick up on stress!

 

Mine love daycare too. They think they are big kids. Are they eating at a table at daycare ? They might be going against the highchair and want a table and chair to sit at. When mine get home from daycare they are so tired and they can easily lose the plot. I work quickly, when I pick them up I immediately offer food to eat in the car (and I hate food in the car) a quick drink of water. Sometimes my daughter will only drink milk and little food but that is ok. Quick bath and into bed. Often I spoonfeed most of their food to get it into them quicker.

If you are able to read the book "child of mine: feeding with love and good sense" it is a great book and really helps to ease the pressure of feeding and guilt. It covers a large age group.

Just know it is all a phase and we are right there with you dealing with the same stuff. All you can do is try and then let them go. And the odd glass of wine helps too.


heather