holiday rant...sorry guys

so MIL informed me today that i was the SOLE reason that thanksgiving sucked. because i didn't comment on how nice the table looked when i walked in the door i immediately set the tone for the entire night. DH and i brought the boys into the kitchen to see MIL and they had on onesies that said "question authority" and an anarchy symbol (yeah are boys are punk rockers) and MIL made a comment about the outfits and i jokingly said "well look who their dna is from!"...aparently this was a personal jab at her. then she showed us some wrist rattles that she bought the boys and (yes i should have just said thank you) i said "oh the boys don't really get into those, they like things they can grab onto" but it wasn't in a rude way. i should have said thank you first though.

anyhow, i also asked that no one kiss their hands or faces so not to spread germs since the boys seemed to have been sneezing a lot...she thought this was a rule i made up especially for her and no one else (regardless of the fact that this was the advice of the pedi).

during dinner she didn't speak to me and when i suggested that she do or say something to stimulate the boys she took that as a "control" issue that i have over her when all i was trying to do was get the boys to play with her.

she blamed the entire holiday being miserable on my behaviour. that i was condisending, degrading, rude, etc. DH was there with me the whole time and said i was being polite. well after we left she informed SIL, FIL and BIL as to why she was upset so now the whole group is pissed.

anyhow, i call her today to let her know what our plans for christmas are. DH may or may not be working so if he is working i will be bringing the boys up to see him at the department. if he's not working then our first christmas will be together at home, quiet with our new family. the day after christmas my mom desperately wants to come over and cook fondue for us and give the boys presents. so i suggested, and DH was on board, that on sunday right after christmas we host a lunch shindig at our place and all of DH's family is invited to come over for some holiday cheer, gift exchange and lunch type foods. well MIL says "FIL and i were planning on going camping that day so we might not be in town. if we don't go i guess we'll come by". then she tells me that since christmas day will always be with the immediate family (since there are two many extended family members on both sides to accomodate w/2 kids on one day) that we won't be doing christmas dinners on christmas day. because of this i will be raising selfish children who don't know the meaning of family and who will be completely ungrateful and unsocial because of the product of their environment, aka me.

so YAY what fun to the holiday season we are off to.

 

Sorry that your MIL is being difficult. I would continue with your Christmas plans. You certainly are not making Christmas not a time for family, you just aren't doing what she wants and that's her issue not yours. :hug:

 

Sorry your MIL is being such a PITA. My guess is that had you waited until the dust settled from Thanksgiving to tell her your Christmas plans you probably would have received a slightly different response. If she feels that you created the "no kissing" rule because of her she probably also feels that your plans for Christmas were a direct insult to her as well...even if that wasn't your intention.

 

:hug: I'm sorry your holiday was so stressful.
While I can see your side of things and understand that nothing you did was intended to cause upset, I can also see why your MIL might have gotten upset. I don't think that makes it OK for her to blame everything on you, but people get stressed around the holidays and it's easy for things to get blown out of proportion. If you normally get on well with her it's probably worth apologising (even though you're not in the wrong) and trying to move on, maybe say you really want them to come at Christmas and suggest a different day for the get together. If this behavior is par for the course then it probably won't make any difference what you do so I'd just say something like "I'm sorry you felt that I was being condesending/rude to you. That was not my intention at all. I hope you'll be able to come at Christmas" and then carry on with your plans regardless of what she does.
As far as what she said about Christmas maybe they did already have plans but her other comments were very rude and uncalled for. I'd be upset about those. I agree with pp though that she was probably still upset over thanksgiving. If it helps I have never had a Christmas with anyone other than my immediate family and I don't think my sisters and I have turned out ungrateful, unsocial and selfish!

 

she had actually been hasseling DH right after thanksgiving to find out what our plans were for christmas so once DH and i agreed on what we wanted to do he said "make the phone calls" so i did. she actually did say that she respects the fact that we want to create our own family traditions for christmas but that she may or may not come because she'll be too busy camping instead of seeing her grandson's first christmas.

we've never got along. it all boils down to control. she wants to "parent" my kids and control them the way she has her own children (or at least with all of them but DH). DH and i are the only ones she has no control over and it bothers her. so she feels that i am using MY kids as something to hold over her, a control issue, that i have leverage over her because these are my kids and she can't control how they are raised so she insults my abilities as a parent and says things like "they will grow up ungrateful, unsocial, mean, and selfish just like their mother".

whatever. if it's sooooo important for her to see the boys all the time she needs to find time to squeeze us in on her busy weekend schedule of shopping all day and make a true effort to attend our christmas shindig. if she doesn't come, DH and i will both be insulted and know what her priorities are.

at this point i'm over it. i put forth the effort to be pleasant, polite and let her play with the boys as much as possible, even giving her suggestions has to how to get them to smile and laugh.

oh well.

 

Does DH get along with his Mom?

Since you do not get along with your MIL why does your DH put you up to "making the call?" He should make the call IMO. I dont get along with my IL's at all. And if we were actually speaking, I would never make a call to them to let them know what we are up too let alone give them news that I know they wouldnt be happy with. That is DH's responsibility. His parents, his headache. Nothing good would come from me talking to his Mom and he knows that.

 

If I don't get along with my ILs, I would just make plans for Christmas without them. Better spending a peaceful and quiet Christmas without them then a stressful one with them. From the Thanksgiving experience, I am sure your DH will understand. Good luck. :hug:

 

I was thinking the same thing. My SIL doesn't get along all that great with my mother, so it is always up to my brother to be the bearer of bad news (or news that my mom will probably not like).

 

on christmas day, we, meaning my hubby, myself and our kids, eat chinese food and watch movies...we don't go anywhere, we don't cook a big meal, we don't open gifts (we let the kids open their stockings)...this is because my oldest daughter isn't with us on christmas, so we don't do anything for the holiday without her...to me, it makes perfect sense to wait until she is with us...it grinds my mom's buttons to no end that i won't go up to her place on christmas eve when everyone else is there because katy isn't with me...it's pointless to me, why do it then, and then make another trip within a week and have katy open stuff when the other kids have already received their gifts...jason's family ALSO does stuff on christmas eve and we have the same policy with them...honestly, i think you should have your hubby speak to his mother from now on...i don't get on well with my mil, so jason does all the talking with her..i handle my own mother..seems fair to me...and your mil saying all those things is just petty and mean...

 

yeah DH is a bit of a push over when it comes to his mom though and doesn't really no how to lay down the law, so to speak. he has a tendency to cave whereas i don't. so i don't mind making the phone calls even though i know that eventually at some point in the conversation something will get said and it will turn nasty. i'm learning to just let it roll off my shoulder, but it still hurts...a lot!

as for the things she said to me, believe me there have been MUCH worse...we are starting to think (with these recent episodes of hers) that she may be going through menepause (i know i didn't spell that right) or something, still doesn't give her the right but it explains the crying spells...who knows with that woman!

 

Yup his family is HIS responsibility. Can you talk with him about him having a heart to heart with his mom? Above all she needs to know that YOU are his family and his loyalty does and has to lie with you, having her "get" that might go a long way in her accepting you and your requests regardless of how she feels about them if she knows her son stands behind you on everything. Menopause might also be a possibility too like you said. I am so sorry you have to deal with a MIL like her, I know what it's like and it's no fun!

And what is with MILs and their friggin tables?! ROTFLMAO!!! Mine sets hers like a week in advance :wacko: :crazy: I'm sorry if I'm too busy to notice a friggin table setting, if I get to suck food through a straw these days I'm lucky, I don't care what the delivery method is LOL!

Good luck! Christmas is about your family unit now, make your own traditions!

 

SHE. MAKES. ME. SO. MAD.

I'm pregnant and I can have a temper when I'm mad. I would have said something.
actually...

I probably would have (while holding one of the babies) said - look Rachel grandma is pouting; when you get to be a big girl I know you'll become a MATURE young woman who will be a gracious host and wonderful grandma. But I guess Mommy will have to teach you that by example.

I'm pretty mean when someone else is being malicious.

 

LMAO, i was a super witch with a b when i was preggo w/the twins. super emotional, flying off the handle at the drop of the hat and TOTALLY uncomfortable (i had a very difficult pregnancy). we got into some pretty nasty fights over some pretty ridiculous things while i was pregnant. apparently my pregnancy attitude and experience was extremely rare since *most* women completely enjoy and are over the moon with happiness for the 9 months they carry their child and certainly never have emotional breakdowns or get angry because there are miracles growing inside their bellies. and i'm quoting her by the way. to kick things off when we told her DH and i were expecting (just before christmas - beginning of december) her first words were "and i thought you guys were coming over to tell us you were getting a divorce" and here we had bought her and FIL bibs that said "i love grandma and grandpa" and she was totally disrespectful and kicked things off to a bad start for the remainder of the pregnancy.

in-laws are sooooo much fun!

 

You are probably not going to like what I have to say, but call it tough love from someone who has been there. This woman is part of your family. She is your husband's mother, and she is a part of why he is the man you love. She is always going to be part of your family. She is your children's grandparents, and they will (and deserve to have the opportunity to) love her. Getting along is a two-way street, and it doesn't seem like you are even making an effort. I'm not saying that the woman isn't annoying. She probably is. But you need to consider why. I'm guessing that she senses that you don't like her and feels defensive and acts that way.

At some point, it has to stop being about who is right and who is wrong and someone has to make the first step toward making the situation better. I think it would be great if you did that instead of putting so much energy into hating this woman. You have two posts right now about it, and I remember a lot from the expecting forum. Again, I'm not saying that you are wrong. Just that being right isn't going to make the next 30 years of your life dealing with her any more enjoyable.

 

Thank you for saying what I've been thinking the whole time. I wish we could hear MIL's side of the story. It's a two-way street.

 

Very well said, Rachael!!!

 

This is overall very, very good advice for anyone in this kind of situation. :bow2:

 

oh believe me i know it's a two way street and i totally get what you are saying. i don't disagree at all and that's why i attend the family functions and make efforts to be nice to her when i am in her presence because i know it is important to DH. MIL and i have had many talks about how we can get along better and i asked her to tell me right away if i was doing something that she disliked or thought was rude, she just hasn't done so yet. i can't read her mind, nor can she read mine so neither of us know who is upsetting who and for what reason unless someone says something. but rest assured, even though i complain about her a lot, i DO make every effort to be as nice to her as possible.

it doesn't mean i can't gripe about it every once in a while (or a lot if the case may be). and just because i seriously dislike this woman does not mean that i am not nice to her when i'm around her. i bite my tongue A LOT and then explode when i get home.

family is important to DH and the entire night i kept asking him if i was acting appropriately and nice enough and he said that i was doing everything fine and wasn't disrespectful or anything and he was by my side the entire night.

believe me i make every effort i can to be nice, sometimes i guess i'm just not nice enough. i don't know.

 

Rachael said it well. This isn't about you and your MIL anymore. This is now about your kids and their relationship with their grandmother/grandparents. I may not love everything about my inlaws, but my boys adore them, so I make an effort so that my boys can grow up loved by as many people as possible. It may not be fun, but it is worth the effort.

 

This describes very well how I felt about MIL (never had a FIL in my case). Then she up and died very suddenly at a shockingly young age and I'm left wondering how I'm going to get through another first year without her.

 

Wonderfully said Ellen! I feel the same way.

 

I think what you really need to try to do is not go into every situation tensed for conflict. Really try to open up to a relationship with her. Think about what's good about her and focus on that. Is she a great cook? Generous? Loving with your kids? Someone who tries to make holidays wonderful for her family? Give her some credit that she has real, decent motivations. Ask your husband what his favorite childhood memories of her are, and focus on the fact that she's the woman who made those for him. Really, reading your posts, the poor woman doesn't have a chance. No matter what she tries to do you throw up barriers.

I had an idyllic situation growing up. My grandparents were all close friends before my parents were born, and the two families grew up together. My mom already knew and loved my dad's parents and vice versa. When we had holiday gatherings, they all sat around and laughed and talked about their memories and mutual friends. It was absolutely wonderful and perfect. It's obviously not a norm or something everyone can have, but I want to do everything in my power to recreate that beautiful, loving environment for my kids. And that means making an effort to focus on the fact that my MIL is generous and giving (even though it annoys me when she wants to send us home with a jar of mustard or leftover pizza - I have learned that it doesn't hurt me to take the mustard, and it makes her happy!) My MIL is also fabulous with kids. I don't even understand why they like her so much, but she's like the toddler whisperer. So, I focus on that, and I manage a good relationship with her now despite the fact that she has a lot of faults.

Again, just some BTDT advice. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I really hope you are able to work on the situation for your entire family. You too will be happier when every interaction with your MIL is not a battle.

 

:clapping: Great advice! Both of my in-laws died before the twins were born and I wish daily they were around to see their only grandchildren (and so does my DH)..

 

So, is it really worth it? I don't see the point in actually doing all these nice things, if it eats at you. It IMO is not really giving either her, or yourself a chance at a relationship. Your kids are going to pick up on that soon enough, and probably feel confused. I know two lovely kids who are in a similar situation (and have been all their lives). Their grandmother and mother hate each other, and do the whole "polite" thing at family events, then each one blows up right after because it is too much too take. The kids became more confused over time... They never know how to behave when their mother is present, and grandma is around, because they sense the conflict. Now, they've learned to pretend they're having a blast, when they know all is not well. The poor things are always miserable at family gatherings.

 

I really think you need to step out of yourself briefly and see the situation as others (ie, MIL) might see it. You have posted about issues with her since early in your pregnancy. And I would say that the VAST majority of the issues you've had is with the way she deals with what you do/say/want/don't want. So the problems you are having with her are in response to you. Now I'm not saying that you are 100% wrong and she is an easy-going saint of a woman (or the opposite, either), BUT...what you are doing or saying in her presence is causing conflict (right or wrong). So since you can't change her, I think you need to modify how you interact with her. You say you have, but you obviously haven't hit the right note yet.

Case in point: You came to her Thanksgiving dinner and didn't say anything "nice" about her house (just humor the woman...they love that crap and it takes MINIMAL effort on your part), told her not to kiss her grandbabies (!!!), told her that your kids wouldn't like her presents (seriously?!), even dressed the kids in nonconventional grandmawear (again, "question authority" may not be a big deal to you or I, but to Grandma's house for a major holiday?...a bit passive aggressive), told her how to interact with the babies, and then told her you wouldn't be joining them for Christmas shortly thereafter. The only things you mentioned she did that angered you were in responseto you. Truthfully? I'm not feeling the love here, either. IMO, you pretty much put yourself up on a tee for DIL flogging.

Please keep an interesting bit of irony in mind here. You have borne TWO little boys. That means you will perhaps be blessed with TWO DIL's down the road. YOU will want to kiss their babies. YOU will want to buy them whatever the heck floats your boat. YOU will want them around whenever possible. And YOU will (esp. after going thru childbirth and rearing of TWINS) think you might know a thing or two that your DIL's don't about parenthood (and may very well scrutinize - even verbally - their parenting skills). I hope to God that you can be the perfectly gracious and lovely woman that you wish your MIL was. And I really, REALLY hope to God that if you, like your MIL, end up being a flawed human (like the rest of us) with control issues (typically we don't grow out of those characteristics) that your DIL's have the patience and compassion to suck it up and work at maintaining a healthy family relationship regardless.

This is not an easy life lesson, but when you marry someone and decide to have children, it's one that you absolutely sign on for. The only way to be in control of the situation by being the bigger person, which, for the record, doesn't mean running around telling everyone that you're being the bigger person. Be gracious, be compassionate, be tolerant. It's good practice for your turn at being a MIL, 'cause you'll no doubt need it then, too. I cannot urge you enough to invest as much energy in POSITIVE thoughts as you have with the negative. You aren't doing anyone - yourself included - any favors by focusing so much on negative things. And MIL's are like animals and babies - they can sense what you may never say.

Eve

 

i TOTALLY get what you all are saying. and i know that i have many faults and am to blame for half of the battles we have but to say that i'm not trying is an understatement. we have been a part of eachothers lives for 14 years, neither one of us has changed, we are both the same people we have always been so we need to BOTH just accept eachother for who we are, period - end of discussion.

as for the outfits the boys wore to her house, that was TOTALLY DH's idea and what he wanted them to wear. if it were up to me they would have been in entirely different attire but DH is not conventional and he likes to do things that are out of the norm and his mom should expect this - he wears vulgar clothes to her house all the time w/o comments from her and she accepts it and has since he was a teenager. and as for not mentioning how nice the house looked/smelled, i'm sorry - i was tired. i have two infants and didn't think to mention to her anything about decorations. yes i should have said thank you about the wrist rattles but i didn't, can't take that back now.

and for christmas, i'm just sorry that this upsets some of you but i am not going to run the boys all around town to make stops at every grandparents house and only eat dinner at her house. it's not fair to my mom, it's not fair to the boys and it's not fair to DH and i. we need to establish our own christmas traditions and the grandparents/aunts/uncles are more then welcome to come by christmas day and visit but christmas dinners w/extended family will be done christmas eve or the day after christmas. there are too many other families in this equation (BIL and his wife and future kids as well as SIL and her future husband and children) for my MIL to expect all of her children and grandchildren to attend christmas dinner at her house every year. thanksgiving, fine, but christmas - that is mine.

oh and i don't blow up and explode about my dislike for MIL infront of my kids. i don't ever want them to feel as though someone hates their grandparents and i asked MIL to do the same, please be polite to me infront of the kids so that they know that everyone gets along. it does not mean that i can't vent or explode to other mom's who might get what i am going through and to my own parents and friends.

and lastly, i may put up barriers with regards to her but it is only because she has hurt me very deeply in the past (as i am sure i have done her). i am not going to go into details specifically but let's just say that i was abused as a teen and she said "i was asking for it", so yeah, i'm sorry - i've got issues with her.

are their positives about her, sure. i'm trying to focus more on those things as time progresses but i'm not a mind reader and don't always think to mention how nice her house looks. i do say please and thank you for dinner though and i always say how good it tastes even if i don't like it. and if i were to ask DH about the good things that she has done for him, which i have in the past, he comes up with all of the things she wouldn't allow him to do and how overbearing and controlling she was with him and how he is treated differently when compared to his siblings. he has more negative things to say about her than positive but he still loves her. he gets along much better with his father than his mother.

bottom line - i get angry at her behavior, she gets angry at mine. we agreed to let eachother know if something we do/say comes across as rude or offensive but she hasn't done so yet. i will be as nice to her and the rest of DH's family because i know how important it is to DH and to my kids BUT i don't have to like it.

 

I don't know what to tell you then. I think people are trying to help, but there are always going to be reasons that you can't be the bigger person. I am really coming at this from the perspective of someone who has been there. I could tell you stories about my MIL that would blow your mind, and 14 years later she and I are also still the same people. But at some point, I realized that, if things were going to change, I had to be the one to make an effort. I can tell you how I would have responded to each of the situations you describe. On the clothing, if you know it upsets her, you should encourage your husband not to do it instead of going along with it because you secretly want to upset her (and you do - I told you, I've been there). If he wouldn't, you could tell her with a smile, "I'm sorry, I know it's inappropriate and wanted to put them in X, but you know how your son is!" On the house, you clearly know it is important to her, but if you really forgot, when she brought it up, you could say, "I'm so sorry. I'm so flustered lately I don't know what I'm doing! The house is absolutely beautiful. I wish I had your ability to set a table. Where do get the gorgeous flowers/napkin rings/plates/etc.?" When she offers to buy you a gift, say, "Thank you." Period. Not that the boys don't like it or she doesn't know the right brand or anything else. Actually, general advice - there is only one appropriate response to a gift, and that is "Thank you." No one is saying that you have to go to her house on Christmas Day, but it is nice to work with her to find a time the whole family can be together - and to explain to her why you want to be home on Christmas day. We have gone to my family's on Christmas day every year that DH and I have been together, and it bothered my MIL for years - until I explained why. Now she understands.

I promise you that you could improve the situation if you really want to. Anyway, I've got no more advice for you. Hope it works out.

 

I wish my MIL was around to see her grandkids grow up. Ellen and Rachael said it best, this is no longer about you and your MIL. Your entire life is no longer about you, it's about your children and teaching them to be the best people they can be.

And obviously your MIL didn't do such a bad job raising her son if you married him. And right there you have something in common. You both love your husband. I actually feel really bad for your husband being put in the situation he is in, it can't be fair to him. I hope you get this resolved before your children figure out what is really going on.

 

I have to wonder how your MIL might feel if she were to visit this forum, quite honestly.

I understand that you need to vent your frustrations and that you feel like this is a safe place to do that, but really...how do you think she would feel? I'm not attacking you, I'm just asking you to put yourself in her shoes and maybe think about whether or not any of this is productive or if it just exacerbates the situation. You might be right. She may not like you. She may never like you. But, you're the only one who has control over how you react to her behavior, so why not make the choice here to be the bigger person and reach out to her.

You can either spend the holidays being stressed out, thereby stressing out your husband and kids. Or, you can take the time to work out a compromise and enjoy it. It's up to you.

 

I'm sorry, but you do need to work out some kind of compromise. My MIL is deceased, my FIL lives in Florida and chooses not to be part of his children's lives, so for us, we don't have this dilemma right now. When we lived near my DH's family, we alternated which year we stayed in MA, and which year we came to MD for Thanksgiving and Xmas. Generally, if we came for Xmas, we didn't come for Thanksgiving, and vice-versa. My brother and SIL also alternate with her mom as to which house they go to for the actual holiday, and which one for the day after. I do think spending the entire day by yourselves IS selfish and honestly, it will get boring. We did establish that we will spend Xmas morning ourselves, but in the afternoon we usually go to my parents' house. I really don't think it's too much to ask for stop by your in-laws in Christmas day.

 

I was in your shoes and very much like you when I had my first son. I had absolutely NOTHING in common with my mil and really didn't care for her. I love and adore my dh and could not figure out how these crazy people made such an awesome man.
Fast forward 7 years and are things better? MUCH BETTER!! About 6 years ago my mom died and I realized how important family was and how important it was for my son to have a great relationship with grandma and grandpa. Did he before? yes... but I felt it could be stronger, if our relationship was stronger. I never talked to her about it, but I ended up changing my ways. I called them to arrange dates to get together. They often wanted to watch the kids and I felt REALLY uncomfortable with this (still do) so I found other ways to make her happy. We went out of our way a lot of the time, but you know what it made her happy and that made our lives so much easier.

As for Christmas... too each their own. My mom used to come over in the morning before Jon woke up but I really didn't want my IL's there. Once my mom passed we decided that family was welcome at our house on Christmas but we weren't leaving. It's a day spent at home and this year we'll have 15+ additional people and my heart is so full!!!

 

I do think there is a big difference between hosting all the family for Christmas, and just saying that you are staying home, everyone is welcome to stop by, but we're not doing anything.

 

You're absolutely right... We're the family that says "everyone is welcome to stop by, but we're not doing anythihng". Sorry if that wasn't clear.

 

Ah, ok! I thought you were like hosting 15 people for Xmas dinner or something. If it's cool with your family, then sure. If they have a problem with it, I would do something else, but that's just me. Really, we're starting to climb the walls afternoon.

 

everyone is welcome to come to our house on christmas as well, i wasn't trying to say that everyone was banned and we were going to be alone in our house by ourselves. i was just saying that it is unfair to have the IL's assume that we always be there christmas night when there are other relatives in town. that's why we are trying to figure something out for the day before/after to appease everyone.

i'm really trying to be the bigger person, honestly...but it's baby steps. one foot in front of the other (and i often trip over my own feet).