DH Comments

My boys are 10 weeks old and it's been really stressful, crazy, etc... I also have a 3 year old. Dh and I both extremely worn out. I am posting because of some of the comments my DH is making. Needless to say, they are very hurtful and make me so angry. He told me tonight that he can't understand why the house is a mess when he gets home from work. That if he was home, it wouldn't look this way. I tell him some days I barely have time to get a shower and he thinks this is ridiculous. I do have a girl that comes every day to help me, but honestly some days the twins are so needy that we are holding them all day in addition to tending to my 3 year old. He says he needs to be at work more. Some days, he goes in late in the mornings.

I am so upset by all of this and have thought MANY times about taking the kids and staying with family for a few days just to get a break from him. I am feeling very unhappy in my marriage.

Anyways, I just need to vent and see if anyone has any advice on what to do. Thanks

 

:hug: I am sorry that he is making these hurtful comments to you. These first months of twins can be very hard on a marriage, especially when you both are worn out. I would suggest talking to him about how you feel and that you understand he is tired and you are too...tell him you will do your best with the house but right now your priority is the infants and your 3 year old right now. If he is not happy with how the house looks, then he could think about helping you out around the house. I would also suggest that he try and take care of all three kids on his day off and see how much he gets done around the house, probably not a lot. I would be upset if I were in your shoes too...I can remember those early months with twins and I barely had a minute to really clean the house. Once the kids were consistent with napping and were less needy, I could tend to the house more.

 

I am so sorry to hear this I totally understand how hard it is to get anything done with newborn twins, even with help!! My mom comes to our house to watch our twins every day and I decided to take the day off from work to get some errands done while she watched the boys as usual. She is quite good at handling the boys by herself too. But naturally I helped her feed them and get them down for morning naps because I couldn't stand by and watch one baby fuss/cry while the other got fed or rocked for a nap, and then we gave them a bath around lunch time. Next thing I knew it was 2pm and I was just then getting out of the house to run errands. It's not easy even when you have help, even moreso with 2.5 month olds!!

I'm not good at relationship advice. Luckily my DH is super supportive and helpful whenever he can be. But hopefully your husband will come around and realize you're not just sitting around eating bon bons instead of cleaning while the help is there. As I've said my mom comes over every day to watch the boys while we work, and she folds laundry and washes bottles while here. Plus she stops by on a lot of Saturdays so me and DH can go out to lunch and/or shopping. She's awesome! And still yet I felt the need to hire a house cleaner because I just couldn't keep the house in order. It is so hard to keep your head above water with twins, with or without some help!

 

:hug: I would tell him how you feel and then leave him with the kids for a weekend.

 

I'm sorry, that would really upset me too! I guess I would probably try leaving him with all 3 kids for a day on the weekend and do not help with any housework that day. Not sure if you're nursing or not so that may not be possible. I've also heard of women writing down EVERYTHING they do from the time they wake up till the time they go to bed and hand over a 3 page list of why the house isn't spotless. 10 weeks is still a very needy age and there was no way my house was ever clean at that point (not that it is now either, but that's a different story). I think he just needs to feel for himself what goes on during the day to truly get. Sorry he's not being more supportive.

 

Well...if he lives at home then he is there...so he needs to grab a mop and duster.

Sorry for his comment.

Wow...work negates the needs to do your fair share of chores around the house?!?! I'm amazed.

What he needs to do is either take over the kid care when he comes home, or if they are sleeping, let you take a nap and HE get to work on the cleaning and Dinner. Just cuz YOUR job is at home doesn't mean he shouldn't do his share. You help take care of the kids so he can go to his job, so you help wit his job...he should help with yours.

Men...geez!!!!!!! Ha

 

:Clap:



I'm sorry he's not being more supportive. Definitely tell him how you are feeling, including the fact that sometimes you feel like leaving. Be very clear with what you need from him. Hopefully, he will listen. :hug:

 

Oh momma, im with you tonight. My dh and i just fought about this tonight and I told him to go to hell. we have a 5 yr, 4yr 3yr and 4 week old twins and he wanted to know why there was a bag of trash by the back door and there were 2 wet towels thrown over the shower curtan rod, and only half of the dinner dishes were loaded in the washer. I wanted to throw his dinner at him and told him im on strike. tomorrow he is calling in "sick" and im sleeping the F@#$ in. He works day shift so I have only woke him up ONCE at night since the twins came home(they came home with me) and im up all day with the other ones driving, cooking, cleaning, homework.... Im living on coffee. HAve at it dear *****.. ya think you can do it better, have the hell at it, and dont come running to me for help. and dont cry like a little bi@#$ when your tired at the end of the day to meet MY needs!!!!!!!!!!!!. Im sorry. I needed to vent too. really i am sorry. But i will let you know how he made out when I went on strike. He gets no help. I will be at "work"

 

WOO HOO!!!! Guess you won that debate...HA.

5 kids...and 2 of them 4 week old twins???

The trash was by the back door because he didn't take it out. The 2 wet towels were thrown over the rod because he just looked at them instead of putting them in the hamper, and half the idshes were loaded because he didn't load the other half.

What is wrong with these guys...gives some of us a bad name.

I do remember I got a Baby Book for guys when Nat was prego. I didn't even finish it. I was so put off by it. I can safely say it was very sexist. It had stuff in there like...help arund the house. Maybe cook a dinner or do the dishes. Don't be afraid to help with the baby and change a diaper or 2. I was like WTF?!?!? I went in there while she was sleeping, grabbed HER "What To Expect When Your Expecting" Book, went in the other room and stayed up all night reading it from cover to cover.

This is 2009 right?!?! Not the 1960s and 70s???

I felt guilty going to work...outside in the wind and rain working on airplanes, getting filthy. I knew she had it rougher than I did and that was just with her getting Merrick used to being home(Marlle is still in the NICU). I couldn't race to get home and grab the baby from her, or cook some ribeyes on the grill for her.

I don't know...maybe it's just how some are brought up. I am very domestic. I mean my biggest purchase when I moved here from AK were my bad a$$ front loading washer and dryer. They were SO cool. I just wanted to pull up a chair and watch the laundry. She hated it when I was in Iraq. She was spoiled. She cooked just once a week and besides that I made all her lunches for her when he was working and dinner in the evening. I couldn't carry the kids for her, so what else was I supposed to do.

That is SO cool...let me know how your "work day" turns out tomorrow. Ha...maybe he will learn to keep his mouth shut.

 

...and NO...I am not gay...LOL

You need to have him read some posts that other women put on here about their DH's and how much they help. Not that it will make a difference, but one would hope it would.

 

:hug: Early months were tough and stresful on us also. Things will be much better and easy on you when your LO's nap and feeding begin to be more consistent. When I hear any comment from DH, I tell him that my current responsibility of the twins is far more difficult and tough than what he does at work (He's in a senior administrative position) because I have Human Beings between my hands to take care of, while he has papers and numbers. I add that you can put a paper aside to work on it later, however you can't do so with a crying and needy baby!!! Also, when he's at home I let him often spend some time alone taking care of our LOs so that he realizes how much energy it requires.


If I was in your place and since DH told you that if he was home, the house wouldn't look that messy, when he's on a day off from work, I would just tell him: Here you are at home, show me what you can do now .

 

I agree with everyone who says let him do it, and keep doing it every weekend till he gets it. I'm sorry he's being such an @ss! There's no excuse for nit picking like that.

:clapping:Bravo! Be sure to let us know how it goes.

Apparently, not for everyone. You'd be surprised at the number of SAHMs who think this way is actually the right way.

 

Thanks Everyone! I have talked to him, but I don't think it's going to make a difference. Just wanted to add he left a "to do" list for me today. Granted, my help is coming and so is his Dad, but I think I will tear the list up and throw it in his face on his way out the door!

He says he is just stressed because we are hosting T-day for his family. And it's a lot of work getting ready.

 

Everyone coming to Thanksgiving will understand what you are going through. All that cooking makes a big mess anyway! My DH isn't very helpful around the house (and wasn't when the boys were babies with them) but he understood why there were dishes in the sink and why dinner wasn't ready. He has no problem saying my job is harder than his and that he wouldn't switch places with me for the world. BUT he also gets cranky about all the clutter in the house. This weekend he has 4 days off work and we're going to spend naptimes organizing and throwing stuff out. This is the first time in whatever the number on my ticker is that we have been able to do this!

I'm glad you talked to him but tell him the "to do" list is insulting and you will get stuff done when you can. Your number 1 priority is your children not his laundry.

 

I am glad that you both talked but I am sorry that he left you a to do list today. I would tear it up too. I understand it's a lot of work getting ready for Thanksgiving but your family and friends will totally understand why the house is not sparkling, spit shine clean. Big :hug:

 

i wouldn't throw it in his face if i were you, that might just make the situation 100 times worse.


i didn't read all of the other comments so forgive me if i am repeating anything but i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. when my boys first came home i was EXHAUSTED getting up every 2-3 hours to feed them 24 hours a day with little to no help at all. around month 2 DH started to get extremely upset with me for not keeping the house clean all the time and being this perfect little 50s housewife. he thinks that since i'm a SAHM that everything should be kept nice and tidy at all times and would get upset and frustrated when the house hadn't really been cleaned in a month. i just didn't have the time or energy to get things done. i was super stressed out from the lack of sleep, i wasn't eating well (if anything at all) and just wasn't functioning very well so adding housework on top of everything else was near impossible.

we did sit down and have a talk, it started out very heated but then it calmed down (this was just last week). things have still been on edge because he thinks i'm a "schedule nazi" and everything has to be done at certain time, feeding the twins, eating dinner, you get what i mean. this is not the case. the only thing i try and keep a schedule for are feedings. so we are still working things out. and his sexual frustrations just make things terribly worse and he becomes very distant. right now i just don't have the mental or physical ability to "get in the mood" and when the babies go to sleep at night, forget it - it's not happening, i NEED that sleep in order to make it through the day. sooooo, i don't know how to solve this problem but it's definetly a HUGE factor in our marriage and believe me the thought of divorce has crossed my mind. but...i do love him with all of my heart and this too shall pass.

babies are challening on marriages and having twins...well that makes things A LOT harder. i know many couples that have divorced within their child's first year of life. but if you truly love him then do your best to make it through the day.

in the end it's all about give and take. he'll figure it out eventually...at least i hope.

good luck.

 

LOL! Yup my hubby helps a lot and I feel guilty somedays and somedays I wish he'd do more but honestly I know I'm lucky. We have definitely been sniping at eachother more lately and that's not really like us, it definitely is stressful even when you have a DH who helps and understands. Not to say he's perfect, I have almost posted here about feeling like he doesn't really love the babies, since some of his comments about them hurt my feelings. Just for clarification it's when he says they're never happy and always so bitchy. But deep down I know it's a combination of him being exhausted too and frustrated that makes him say those things. I am not a patient person but I have had to learn it since the twins and he hasn't so it's harder on him. Plus a lot of men have trouble bonding (except for you pitbullz heehee) until they are less newborn and more in the stage of doing things. He is awesome with our other kids and just beams when he plays with them so I know he'll get there, it just hurts me sometimes. But lately now that they are cooing and smiling I have seen some tender kisses and moments between him and them and I know he does love them. Ok sorry, enough about us, just mean to say even those of us who have DH's that help out find it hard so know that you are not alone. :hug:

We have a 17 month old and 2.5 mo twins and an 11 yo so not much gets done around the house besides general tidying. He would DEFINITELY rather be at work this time around now that there's twins added to the mix.

That to do list...wow OMG that is very hurtful BUT maybe just maybe he left it for your helper and his dad, lets friggin hope so. I agree that he needs to do it all by himself one day, it's not so easy. I say I juggle allllll day and it sounds like you do too!

Ok enough rambling from me LOL, I'm another one who lives on coffee and apparently I've had too much this morning. :wacko:

I hope you get the help you need momma YOU DESERVE IT!!!! I hope your day is better today. :hug:

 

One question do you have a brother he could come to my house anytime I could trade him for my dh

 

I do...but he IS gay...Ha...

Just kidding

 

I'm just overly giddy today...4PM need to hurry up and come on!!!!!!

I tried setting all the clocks ahead, but the Hospital told me it was still 1130AM. Well...it's 4PM somewhere...COME ON!!!COME ON!!! COME ON!!!

 

That's what I would suggest too. He obviously has no idea

 

My DH is so much like you. He loves to do things with the kids and does so much to help out around the house. He knows that when I'm home the couple of days that I'm not working that it's actually harder than being at work. He stayed home with our oldest DD for a year and LOVED it. He has taken over and done it all when I had to fly to see my dying Grandmother when the twins were only 12 weeks old and our oldest was not yet 3. He says he thinks about us all day at work and can't wait to get home. And you know what, he does laundry and dishes at night!! He'll even cook a meal for the next night if we need it. He's totally hands on with the kids and the house as well as making sure I'm ok. Sometimes I take that for granted b/c I read so many posts like the OP that don't have DH's like that. I guess I came from a household growing up where this was the norm and I expect that he'll pitch in like that just like I do for him. Taking care of a house and kids is so much work and one person in a relationship can't be expected to do it all. But, you need to let him know that you CAN'T do it all and that he needs to step up.

 

He left you a to do list and he still made it to work ALIVE? You are a saint. When you have newborns, something has to give and right now I would say it is his attitude. You are working your butt off just to feed them and get them taken care of, not to mention everything you do with the older ones. I have to say my husband has been great. We have an almost 5 year old and my husband came home at night and just took care of him or let me take care of him while he took care of the babies. He also didn't expect dinner during the first two months. I agree that you need to sit down with him and talk to him, then leave him with ALL of the kids for the weekend (Make sure it is a weekend with play dates and birthday parties--do not leave food, in fact if he has to go food shopping, that would be a bonus).

I am sorry your husband is being insensitive.

 

I can TOTALLY relate to this thread. My DH (dumb husband) does not understand the work load at all. He comes home from work at around 7:30 every night and then says how hard work is and how tired he is. I'm sorry but he sits at a desk all day and the poor thing is forced to do things like take clients out to lunch. Meanwhile I am at home wearing spitup and looking like I've been washed up ashore from somewhere. Last night I told him to take the babies so I could go for a walk and he said he really needed to rest and change his clothes even though I was still wearing the same pjs from the night before. Before we went to bed he says " when is this house going to be cleaned?" HMM I don't know maybe when I cash in your life insurance policy and hire a full time maid....

I don't know about your H but I think my H's problem is that he is an only child, only grandchild, only nephew, ONLY EVERYTHING, and to make matters worse he has had a silver spoon up his *** since the day he was born. I on the other hand am the oldest of 3 girls and I know what goes into making a household run and have helped out with chores and such since I was about 7 years old. I was talking to my MIL about all of this and all she said was "sweetie he has his career and he needs your support right now more than ever," :headbang: What about me? I gave up my career, which is fine, but I did do so to become a Stepford wife. There is only 24 hours in everyday and most of those are dedicated to the babies, so I really could care less about what the house looks like at this point. Everyday during the miniscule amount of time that the babies sleep at the same time I make a choice between, eating, showering, or doing something around the house.

I don't mean to vent but just know that I feel your pain and frustration

 

For WHOM?!? Sheesh. I am so sorry you have this stress added on to the general stress of newborn twins and a 3 yr old (I, too, have a 3yo). Those first few months were by far the biggest challenge I've ever faced...mentally, emotionally, phyisically. I don't know how I would have done it without support. He definitely needs a reality check, but I suspect he's not one to "waste" any of his time reading silly parenting boards like this one. :nea:

My out-of-state brother has been after me to make sure I'm taking good care of myself since the twins have been born. You know...eat well, sleep lots, have "me" time..... Well, he came for a visit last week (during the week while DH was working) and needless to say, he was a bit shell-shocked. After 3 days of 24/7 observation he apologized for ever bugging me to do something so unrealistic. People (men and women alike) just don't get it til they've been in our shoes for a couple of days - even GOOD days!!!

I vow to do my honest best to raise my 3 boys to be good husband material. At least while they are under my care they will cook, clean, and put the toilet seat down. I consider it my duty to future wives and/or mommies. I would be mortified to have my daughter-in-law treated this way.

It breaks my heart that you have to endure this. Hang in there! I hope you can find some peace somehow and that your DH can come to his senses! :hug:

Eve

 

Hi guys, an update*******************
I was "on strike" today. I slept from 11pm till 6am and feel like a Million dollars. HOWEVER... my DH only lasted untill 1345 today( that is 1:45 pm) he was so frazzled from trying to get all up, fed(including the twins).. Aj has to be at school at 9, Jo had to be there at 1230, mo had a 2pm dr app and the laundry and typical twins needing to eat and be changed. at quarter till 2 he called me and *ADMITTED* to me that he needed to go back to work because its too much for him to handle and he was feeling *frazzled* by the morning alone. He also told me that I NEED to speak up when im feeling overwhelmed and need a hand, even if its holding or feeding so i can make dinner because he does not have esp, and giving him attitude is not a way of dropping hints, nor is it letting him know what he can do to help. We will see if this actually holds true, or if things change but it was nice to hear him vocalize that he now understood from trying to walk in my shoes.

As far as the" to do" list, turn it AROUND AND MAKE A HONEYDO LIST AND PUT IT FIRST!!!!!!!( honey do this, then this) then ask him how much you are going to get pd for all of the OT you are racking up( you cant "clock out" from our job.) and remind him that you work more hrs then he does and if he really wants to compair jobs, go work 2 full time jobs.

pitbullzz--first, how is marlie> I have been following your family since we were both in expecting forum, my DH got back from Iraq in sept, i cried when you posted about the babbies comning so early, second, I aplaude you for helping so much.. you are a true man! your wife is luckey to have you( or she did a hell of a job training you-no offence-

Take advantage of T-day.. Can I help? YEA, come early and occupy the twins so i can cook, vaccum AND get a shower and have some hot coffee all in the same day ..I know, im asking a lot from people but people with only one child at a time really dont understand how hard it is with twins

 

PERFECT then no sex neccessary!!!

 

You definitely need to leave him with the twins all day Saturday, with bottles of breastmilk if necessary. Hand him back his "to do" list and a list of all the baby care that needs to be accomplished (clothing, feeding, baths, etc.) and tell him to prove it to you that it can be done.

Next, go pick up a copy of The Lazy Husband. It will give you a lot of realistic strategies for getting him to shoulder more of the load, and pointers on how to improve your bargaining position within the marriage.

 

Pitbullz,
I thank God that my DH is just like you! He loves taking care of the babies and helping me out. When he gets home from work at 5pm he knows that they boys are his responsibility for the rest of the night and he will mostly take over on weekends as far as diaper changes and feedings. His two major jobs are unloading the dishwasher at night and taking out the trash. Today I emptied the dishwasher since he was feeding the babies and while getting ready for bed he apologized to me for not unloading the dishwasher! He even told me that he would do his own laundry if I just wrote up a list on how the clothes should be washed (which I did!).

To the OP I would tell you to let your DH stay home with the LOs for a day by himself. Even though my DH helps out he never fully understood my job until this past weekend. I went with my friend to a craft fair and he had the boys for an entire day. He texted me say "I don't know how you do this everyday...all I do is feed and change diapers! Plus the lack of human contact is driving me crazy!" Sometimes when he would get frustrated with work we would tell me that he would switch jobs with me in a heartbeat, but after his day with the boys he said he would rather work. :blush:

 

Ha Ha...that is great bethst!!!!!!

MLH and rhc0607...thanks for speaking up.

Now I am not "slamming" other DH, but some need to know that there are some guys that but their a$$es and bust them hard, but still do the domestic things and are totally hands on with the kids.

I was going to have a small Thanksgiving with us today and Deep Fry a Prime Rib, but my Mom and Dad are coming for Christmas...I decided to wait until then.

I took Merrick for his circ yesterday, but the doctor thinks he is just a tad bit too swollen from his hernia surgery and doesn't wanna risk it not taking. So....we go back on the 14th to try it then. I'd rather wait then have to have him get it done twice. Poor fella...he was SO hungry cuz I couldn't feed him before the surgery.

Well, I came home, fed him then had to go do errands and some grocery shopping before the Holidays.

DW was whooped. When I brought Merrick home, she was just DONE...FINISHED...even with my help.

Since I am waiting to do a meal until CHristmas, I sent her over to her Grandparents with the rest of her family. She should be relaxing and having a good time right about now. Now I did send her over there with a turkey I deep fried real quick before she left(and she's bringing me a bunch of leftovers). It's just me and the twins..having a good time. They just got stuffed themselves and are knocked out.

I tried to get her to spend the night with her family last night, but of course she couldn't do that. So, when I got back from running errands, I locked her in a room and she was OUT for like 3 hours. She needed to recharge...