Family "help" once babies arrive

Hi there - I'm 23 weeks pregnant and my parents, my MIL and my FIL and his wife have all offered to drive or fly in (not concurrently) to assist my husband and me once the babies are born. These are our first children and my husband and I are only children. As you can imagine, everyone is very excited and enthusiastic. Both my husband and I are extremely grateful for their willingness to help. However, I also want to set realistic expectations for myself, my hubby, and our new babies, in addition to the grandparents.

Here are my questions. I would appreciate your advice and/or any experience or additional thoughts you have to offer. By the way, my husband, who is EXTREMELY helpful and is planning to be a stay at home father, and I will both be on leave for 12 weeks post-delivery and we will not have a night nurse or paid help, other than eventually potentially seeking out a parent's helper a few hours for a few afternoons a week.



- Should I ask one of the sets of grandparents to come immediately, or give my hubby, myself, and the babies a little time to adjust to our new lives together?

- How helpful are the grandparents? (I realize this varies enormously.)

- How do you set realistic expectations about the amount of work that it will be?

- What is the gentlest way to tell one of them not to come? (If my father joins my mother, he'll occupy all of her time. Not to mention that my father told me that I was overstating the amount of work that it would be and that I need to "relax". Needless to say, that was annoying to hear on a full night's rest without crying babies. I can only imagine how fiesty I would get if he told me that whilst I was sleep deprived and struggling to manage my new additions. He'll be great with the kiddies once they are older, but he should stay put during the early months.)

- Are there any tasks that are ideal for grandparents? Any things your relatives did for you that you were extremely appreciative of?

- Is there anything you wish you'd known when accepting help from the grandparents?

- Since I'll be scheduling the different sets of parents, how long would you recommend they stay?

- Anything else?

Thanks!

 

well....I can only tell you about my experience...my parents lived 25 miles away from us and were at my house to help at the drop of a hat (or concurrently if we were having a REALLY bad day, I'd pack up the babies and go to my mom's where my mom, dad and grandma would take over and I'd get to rest)....my IL's lived next door and came over one evening after 9 pm when we were all finally in bed and wanted to "see" the kids...since one of them was up to eat anyway we went downstairs...much to their chagrin I didn't wake the other one and they wouldn't feed the baby because the bottle was "cold"...they never babysat, knocked on the door to see if I could help with a feeding nothing...

honestly it depends on how much help you can stand...and whether or not the help you're getting is willing to stay up all night or if they just want to hold babies while you clean and cook and entertain...

 

I'd wait because if they end up in the nicu they could be there twiddling their thumbs. I'd get into a routine and then allow short stays from the grandparents. Two people are great for twins and any more in the mix then to get in the way at times. My mom was loads o help but my now xh was not around(in military at the time). She got up with me at every feed and continues to be really close to my girls.

 

I'm in the same boat with kind of wanting help, but knowing my family I wonder how much help they will actually be, especially my dad and stepmom. They drive me nuts as it is and when they visit (they live in CA and we live in OR) they stay at their condo, but insist on coming over every single day...I don't know how I'm going to handle it. They were over a few weeks ago and were sooo exhausting to handle, they tried to "help" unload the dishwasher and just spread the clean dishes all over the counter because they didn't know where they went (they even put butter knives in the knife block and left the steak knives on the counter, but managed to put the rest of the silverware away :fool: )


PS. My dad also told me while I was preganant with dd that he would take me out to lunch on my "vacation" Really I wouldn't call a newborn a "vacation"...sheesh. I don't think they get it sometimes.

Sorry for my rant... As for the rest of my family...who actually have tact and are good with little ones...I plan on having them help with laundry, making meals/bringing in meals, housecleaning, and help soothing the babies as I imagine I will have my hands full bf'ing the twins. I'm also going to have them give dd a lot of attention too.

My family is also asking for a schedule, but I've told them all that I want to wait until they actually arrive because A. we don't know when they are coming B. if they'll need nicu time/what their final health-state will be and C. (although I haven't given this reason to anyone) I want the opportunity to see what it's actually like...even if it's only for a day

 

We have NO family that lives by us so all our family flew in to help us. We had help for 6 straight weeks and it was wonderful!
My mom came first, she showed up 2 days before my induction and stayed for 2 weeks.
My step-mom came next for 1 week.
My mother-in law came next for 2 weeks.
My dad came last for 1 week.

They cooked all the meals- they changed lots of diapers, rocked babies and burped babies. I was nursing so letting them burp & change babies and feeding ME were a huge help.
Basic cleaning (running laundry, lauding the dishwasher etc)
As we got more exhausted and I added in pumping we would often give a baby away for the night, OR we would get up with the babies through the night until 6am or so and then we would give the babies over and go back to sleep until 10am or so. It was a nice solid chunk of sleep.

You prepare for the worst and hope for the best. we thought it was going to be way worse than it actually was and I think a lot of it was the mindset we had going into it.

They will ALL have advice for you. The majority you will probably want but there will be some you dont want and in the end YOU"Re the parent!!!!

 

I think its great that you are forming your game plan now! :good: For me, I didn't need help right after my girls were born because they spent 10 weeks in the NICU. Once they were discharged we spent 2 weeks at my IL's house (because they lived closer to the hospital, and I was a paranoid preemie mom!).

After I was comfortable with taking them home, we were pretty much on our own. My husband is also a Firefighter and works 48+ hour shifts, so I was home by myself a lot from the get-go. He had just switched jobs, so he was not able to take leave at the time. It was exhausting!! I can't imagine trying to take care of two brand new babies, and recover from a c-section all at the same time without help. If you are having help offered to you, I would definitely accept it. And maybe coming up with a schedule and stagger it so everyone is not there at the same time is a great idea, so you aren't overwhelmed.

I think even if some of them come right off the bat, you and your DH will still be able to bond with the babies and you can give them other duties to do, like cooking, cleaning etc. It will also be nice to have them around so you can get some rest, because you are going to need it!

If you are concerned about people over-stepping boundaries, I would set those boundaries now and make sure everyone agree's and understands your rules. These are YOUR babies, and you have every right to lay down the law.

Best of Luck to you!! :hug:

 

I agree with people in having them stagger. My first DD was in the hospital for at least a month. My parents were there initially, but after she had surgery - I couldn't see them staying around when we were spending all of our time at the hospital. After a month by myself, my MIL came and spent a couple of weeks to help out.

Last time, all parents were here, because DD#2 wasn't going to make it. Truthfully it was hard having them all around. My MIL came early to spend time with DD#1 (which was a blessing!) and left not long after the funeral. My parents came and stayed for a week or so after.

This time we're definitely going to "spread" them out. I only get 8 weeks to recover and we're going to need all the help we can get.

One suggestion I do have, if they take the babies - go sleep. I made the mistake of not doing this and have regretted it ever since.

 

1. That is up to you. When our twins were born, my DH was still on his paternal leave and our plan was to have my mom stay after he went back to work. If you do decide to wait a week after the babies are born for people to stay, I would see if a friend can come and at least help out on the first night home. We did stagger our help and it worked out great. The only thing I wish I did was have another set of hands the first night home. DH and I were not prepared for that :faint:
2. That I was going to be so emotional. My feelings were easily hurt during those early weeks and I cried a lot. I really thought that my Mom was thinking I was a bad mother but in reality, she was just trying to help. She understood that twins were a lot of work and was also trying to arrange for additional help for me after she left. I would tell your help to watch out for post partum hormomes and not be hurt by your feelings and to be understanding. My DH's parents are deceased and my parents were a huge help. My father is older and not in the best shape, so at the time there was not much he could do physically but cuddle a baby (which he loved) and give me hugs when I needed them too.
3. We knew it would be a lot of work, so did my parents going in there. But I think between DH, myself and my parents we did not really realize how much work they were until they came home.
4. If you think your father is going to cause more stress rather then help, I would talk to your Mom about how to handle that situation so that feelings are not hurt. Or perhaps she can talk with him about keeping his opinions to himself while they are there helping you out and she can explain how lack of sleep and hormones are going to be affecting you after the babies are born.
5. My SIL came over and cleaned the house for us (did laundry and everything). My other SIL came over and made us a few dinners, my cousin brought over lunch meat and cheese. My BF stayed a weekend to help out, she and her family came up for the day when the kids were about 10 days old and said, "Go out and do something together, we got this." Depending on your parents and in-laws health, there is really nothing that grandparents can't do. My father cannot bend over too well, so we did not have him change diapers. It was also hard for him to get up and down the steps, so he did a lot of the holding and feeding when he helped out.
6. Set the boundaries early and discuss your expectations of each other. Always keep the line of communication open.
7. I would have them stay how long they are willing to and for how long you can tolerate. I still have days where I wish my mom moved in :laughing:
Good luck and I think it is a great thing that you are thinking about this now!

 

My only advice is to stagger as well. I was completely overwhelmed by my sister's family (2 small kids) and my parents visiting. It was just too much for me when other people wanted to visit. We came home on Thurs of Memorial Day weekend, so people assumed a longer weekend they could visit us. Nope - DH had to police the visiters because I couldn't handle it.

We got very little physical help with the babies, but we received a lot of meals. That was nice! So if people can help, tell them to expect to do the laundry, make meals, etc so no false expectations are out there. My ILs came over for a few hours and I told them in advance that my MIL was to do laundry (baby clothes not my dirthy underwear) and my FIL had to put together the bouncy seat. Well my MIL was offended by having to do laundry, and I ended up putting together the bouncy seat, and cleaning up my FIL's dishes that he left on the table. Needless to say I wasn't happy with their visit and found that even though they wanted to "help" they just wanted to hold a sleeping baby.

 

This is the key. :good:

I had my mom and MIL here for six weeks after the babies were born and don't regret it one bit. I did lay down the law way before hand and they knew what was to happen. They did all the housework/cooking and nights with the kids and I did all the baby things during the day and they were to ask me anything to do with the babies. :good: For me, this worked and kept ME happy. That is who is key in all of this. I thanked God (still do) that they were here to help.

Good luck!!

 

It's so funny that you posted this as I have my parents out right now... oy vay. But let me start at the beginning. When I was pregnant, I told everybody that I wanted the first 2 weeks, just DH, the boys & I. I too was working on Breastfeeding & did not want a lot of prying eyes. Beyond that, I didn't mind having people stay in the boys' room for up to 2 weeks with us. I was clear & asked "are you coming to see the babies or are you coming to help?" Both MIL & my parents wanted to help.

MIL came out exactly 2 weeks from my due date. She got off the plane (went from Eastern time to Mountain time, too) & planted herself in our rocking chair with the boys. She was actually a bit miffed that she wouldn't be able to give me a break b/c I was breastfeeding. :headbang: But she otherwise wanted each baby in her arms all the time. Seriously. I'd say if both were screaming, to let me know if you want me to take one. This did not happen. At a friend's house, I asked this & she declined. 45 seconds later, she passed a baby to my friend. If I was not BF, she would have claimed these children as her own. She cooked 1 meal, but stayed up the first night with me for every feed, burping babies, changing babies, laying them down... she even moved their bouncy seats in her room so she could keep them until they woke to be fed. This was really nice for my DH, who I make get up with me to do the abovementioned tasks. On the whole, though, I found her behavior to be annoying in that at one point I wondered if I could actually soothe my own babies as she'd not let them go for 4 days.

Flash forward to now. My parents arrived Monday night (driving). They have not changed a diaper. I'm weird about my dad seeing me breastfeed. He has not burped a baby. My mom does not like babies and is trying her best, but gets anxious when they cry (I may have scarred her as an infant :ibiggrin: ; which the boys pick up on and get worse). They have not gotten up in the middle of the night nor volunteered to do so. I am now a neat & clean person... they have inundated my 2 bedroom apartment with all kinds of stuff. There is STUFF everywhere. At one point yesterday we searched for an hour for my dad's diabetic testing supplies. I am effectively taking care of 2 babies & 2 adults. DH & I are doing the cooking, having them hold babies. Now my mom did volunteer to fold a load of baby clothes yesterday, & let me rest in the afternoon, but the babies sleep in our bedroom, so whenever one was fussing to fall asleep, they brought them in to the bedroom by my head & woke me up. <_<

So what I've learned from all this (other than my family/DH's family are opposites) is that the level of help depends on the person & the comfort level of the person. I had a C-Section & WOULD NOT have wanted anyone other than DH for the first 2 weeks. Now, @ 2 months, DH & I are so in the groove that we don't really need anybody else. However, my parents said they would give us breaks- DH & I are going out twice this week without the boys. :air_kiss: Something that I highly recommend, b/c when you bring out twinfants, people stare at you all the time. When you are pregnant, people just think you are huge. Once the babies are out- your anonymity is gone! It will be nice to have people not come up to us/chat with us about their sister's neighbor's friends' twins.... believe me.

Good luck!

 

I want to start by saying I think that it is great that you are willing to accept help :clapping:

For me that was the hardest part but once I did boy was I glad
My boys spent 67 and 74 days in NICU and I thought that once I got them home that things would be alright because they were used to being on a four hour schedule etc.

Well to make a very long story short my boys were both incredible colicy and had tons of feeding problems. I also got post partum depression after the boys came home which made things a little harder for me until the meds kicked in. We only lasted a week by ourselves until I called in all the family I could to help. We pretty much had two people around the clock for two months after the boys came home. I was fortunate enough to have tons of family that lived only 20 minuted away come and take turns helping and so for us the longest anyone was at our house was 4 days and then they would switch off with other family members.

I was pumping so our helpers were able to bottle the boys and they spent most of their time bottling the boys and rocking them because they very rarely settled. They also made us meals. The cleaning and laundry I took care of because it gave me a reason to escape to the basement and have a break from everything. We all took shifts so that everyone could get a decent amount of sleep even if it was at funny times of the day. My husband was incredibly helpful and still is and I can't say enough about how appreciative I am for that. Sometimes my DH and I would go for a drive in the evenings while our family watched the boys just to get a half an hour to ourselves to talk about how we were doing and for some silence. IT probably sounds weird but it was very helpful.

I am kinda a control freak so we had records of feeds, poops(because they had trouble with this to)and meds so that everyone knew what was going on at all times. I think this helped out alot because before we started that I was keeping track of everything in my own head which was frustrating to keep straight especially when you are tired.

Those two months are kinda a blur now and thankfully after that the boys were really good, bottled better and started sleeping good so we didn't need as much help anymore but my family did still come every couple of days to help out and let me get a extra nap in the afternoon. And now my boys are fanastic and we don't need any help at all unless I just want a break

Anyway I did not mean to freak you out by my story, I only wanted to point out that help can be very good and that I hope no one else has to get to the state we were in before asking for it. And personally I found that I was so tired that my MIL who usually drives me nuts didn't bother me much as long as she was helping out.

best of luck and I wish you a happy and healthy delivery

 

Thank you all for sharing your experiences and advice, which inspired me to come up with the following game-plan:

I've created an on-call list for the first week home with the babies. These are girlfriends in the area who are willing to pop over to drop off food and supplies. Baby visiting not guaranteed (for the typical reasons).

I've invited my mom to fly out for a week approximately a week after we bring the babies home. She's very sweet and good with cleaning, diapers, organizing, etc. She doesn't cook and she tires easily, so I don't want her to feel obligated to stay longer than a week.

Hubby and I have invited his dad and step-mom to come for a week the week after my mom departs. His dad loves to clean (seriously, he's constantly vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, headed to buy groceries, etc. when we go visit them). His step-mom likes to cook.

My MIL is then going to rent a place nearby, if we can find something affordable, for two months. She has work in the area, so she won't be here daily (probably a good thing). She really wants to help us out and, honestly, I imagine she'll be the most helpful. Great cook, likes to clean, likes to pamper me with massages. She's a little wacky, but how can I resist the food and pampering!

Lastly, my mom and dad will come back out for two weeks once the babies are a few months old and we're in more of a rhythm. This way my dad feels included.

My husband and I are excited and our parents seem really into this plan.

Anyway, thank you all again for your tips and stories. I'm mostly writing this post to document what I think will happen so that I can look back here in six months and see how close v. far off I was on the game plan!!

 

That sounds like a great plan. :Clap:

 

I'd say give the first 3 days to just you and your dh. We didn't have that and i wished we had. Especially people staying with you. You want to come home with them and just enjoy yourselves as a "family". I had my SIL here for too long (10 - 14 days?) and she didn't cook, clean, only rushed into the livingroom after a meal to feed a baby or hold a baby. So it is good to make people aware that "helping you is cooking, cleaning, bottles.... NOT holding and feeding a baby" later my mom came and she was wonderful, but my dad was here too and he can be less helpful. Twins are hard work but it is hard work to organize other people too. It is hard work to tell people where everything is in the house and to tell them what you need.

Mine were in Special care for 10 days so keep that in mind. plus in the early month or so they just sleep, they are easy. THEN THEY WAKE UP !!! Have someone there at 4 weeks past their Due date (not birthdate) because week 4-6 is the hardest.

So only people who are really going to HELP you enjoy your babies are truly helpful, otherwise they are just one more person to be concerned about.

It is a very special time, and those first days at home together are precious so really take time to enjoy them as a couple. You might surprise yourself at how easy they are in the beginning. I did say beginning........


heather

 

I had my twins three weeks and they were in the NCIU for a week. My mother in law came the first weekend they were home. My mom came the next weekend. When they came they each keep a baby in the room with them and we keep one in our room. My mom was little more helpful she cooked and did laundry while she was here but my MIL was good about holding babies. My mom came back and stay two weeks after my husband paternity leave was up after three weeks.

 

I think that plan sounds GREAT! Nice work!

And remember, if it all feels like too much having extra people around then you can always tell them that you need some space.
Always better to have the help available though! (and how AWESOME on the FIL who cleans!!!!) :yahoo:

 

My husband was off for 2 1/2 weeks after the babies were born, during which we had no additional help and I didn't feel that we needed additional help. When he went back to work, my mom stayed with us for 2 weeks, and she was very helpful. When she left, my SIL came for a week. By then, I was done with help. So, for me, I'd say if you and your husband will be home for 12 weeks, you can do it without additional help.

My mom ran loads of laundry, fed babies, did dishes, cooked meals, etc. She also, on her last night there, took the babies all night so DH and I could sleep, and that was the best thing anyone did for us early on. I would make sure anyone coming to help is willing to help with the overnight, because that's when I most found I needed help. My SIL wasn't willing, and then she would complain to me about only getting to sleep from midnight until 7. She is still alive, but barely.

(I think you should make your dad take the babies for a few hours on his own! He'll change his tune!)

 

Can I tell you I am completely jealous of your family? Sounds like a great plan!