OT:DH is talking separation......

Nice way to introduce myself to the forum, eh?! My twins just turned one last week.

This is going to be long - don’t know if you'll make it to the end, but it helps getting it off my chest. Been married 2 1/2 years and together for 8+ years.


It's been three weeks since DH sprung the the 'possible separation' on me. Totally broadsided me.... I was devastated and pretty much cried all day the following day and off and on since then. It's been a long three weeks of looking at my marriage, myself, and the loss of a dream and plans and wondering if I'll still be married to DH in a year from now.

We've been going to a marriage counselor and seeing him individually (I also have seen a different therapist on my own) for two weeks now.

He's tired of the "boring" day to day life and being stuck at home. Our twins just turned one year old. He also has four girls from his previous marriage (two live with us 50/50). He has been laid off for nine months so he's with DD and DS in the morning for a few hours which is not his thing. I know things could be a bit better if he's working during the day, but he'd still have to come home to us and family life.

The bottom line is DH wants to walk away from his family. He's trying to decide if he will or not. I did tell him the other night that if he decides to stay, then he needs to step up and be a partner and more involved father. That just made him want to leave more. I've been pretty much a single parent to my babies since the beginning. When he is home, he's not with us or helping.

Then my mind races to the future if we're not together - have to have my babies be away from me so he can have time with them, another woman in his/their life, etc. I just can't bear the thought.

I've read some of the posts here, and I do think he's checked out emotionally. He says we've lost the passion/intimacy then before the babies. Duh! Half the year we were a childless couple! Now we have two babies in addition to his children (youngest is 10 y/o). Plus add in the stress of unemployment (SAHD and lack of money).

Oh, then there is the possibility that he's cheating. I'm still not convinced he is, but there is always the chance he is. He's going out 'driving' for hours because he doesn't want to come home - and always on the weekend till in the wee hours of the morning. Last weekend he was out from 12:25am till 2:50am ---- and was unreachable on his cell. He said he saw it was me and didn't want to talk. Or going to bars/nightclubs alone. He's the type of personality, and I know he would be the type to just drive, but my Mom is convinced he has someone on the side.

I just wish I was the one wanting out. Would my heart hurt less? I still love him tremendously and we had such a wonderful life and relationship. I'd always say if I was on a desert island, all I'd need was him. I just can't believe it might be over. Granted it isn't over yet (at least not officially), but I think he's maybe just trying to figure things out and wants to leave and planning on it but just hasn't decided when.

I still can't believe this. I never once in a million years did I think I'd be dealing with this.

 

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know how sad I am for you. Please know you have support here. I hope things work out the way you want them to. It's good you are getting therapy. I'll keep you and your babies in my thoughts and prayers.

 

:hug: I am so sorry you're going through this!

 

That is soo horrible and SAD. Even if he does stick around, you're still under sooo much pressure knowing he isn't happy! UGH!

You poor thing.

I'm the type of person who would rather the person just leave already. For me, it is TORTURE to watch/listen to someone suffer in my presence. Especially given the fact that he has done the "leaving the family" bit before, this is not a new thing for him. Unfortunate.

I do not have any good advice other than this:

1. See if he can get some help. It sounds to me like he may be suffering from bi polar depression. I definitely think he IS suffering from depression. See if you can get him started on some meds. Do that today.

2. Prepare yourself. Prepare yourself for the life of a single mom. It's a very real possibility now and the sooner you get yourself together for that.. the better prepared you shall be.

3. Realize/accept that it is NOT your fault and honestly has NOTHING to do with you or your kids. It is all him. He seems quite selfish and that isn't your problem. It makes me sick when a man can just wake up one day and decide "hey, this ain't workin' for me anymore.. Hmm.. guess I'll just pack my suitcase and head for the hills. See ya!" IT MAKES ME SICK. You did nothing to contribute to this. It is a personal problem.

4. Get support. Make some GREAT mom friends and get even closer with family. You need LOTS of support right now.

HUGE JUMBO hugs. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo sorry. I agree with Beth, find comfort here. We will try to help you.

You POOR THING.

Stay strong.

 

This sounds like some good advice. :good: I'm so sorry you have to deal with this stress. Good luck to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

This is great advice. :hug: I am so sorry that you are going through this and you will find support here as well. When I read your story, I just wanted to :cry: for you, I cannot imagine the hurt and pain you are going through right now.
I also wonder if your DH is depressed and could benefit from some personal counseling. Especially since he lost his job, just had twins and he's thinking that getting out of the situation would make it better. Rather he is running away because he thinks the grass is greener on the other side but until he works on himself it never will be. The pp is correct, this is not yours or the kids fault...this problem is his and he really has to make the choice does he still want a family or not. :hug:

 

:hug: :hug: I am so sorry you are going through this. It always breaks my heart, especially when there are children involved :hug: :hug:

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can I ask how old is your DH? It sounds like he is very overwhelmed with the fact he has 6 children and not being able to provide for them. You say he has 50/50 with two children, what about the other two? Is he current on child support?

How long was he married to his ex-wife and do you know why they divorced? I'm just asking because it could be a pattern. This is by no means an excuse for his actions but it might explain the way he is acting.

Right now you need to take care of yourself and your children. Keep going to your therapist and try and get as much support you can from family and friends.

ETA: I just noticed your DH is 40. Did he marry his first wife young?

:grouphug:

 

:hug: It sounds like you have gotten some good advice.. I just wanted to send some hugs your way. I'm so sorry you're gong through this!! I hope you're able to find some peace within yourself. :hug:

 

I'm going to wear the black hat here. I'm so glad you are both in therapy and taking one step to help the marriage. When reading your story the only thing I felt was anger. I cannot imagine taking one full day of what you've been going through. :hug:
I was just talking to my DH about when we were first dating he complained about not having enough time for himself (to workout, bike, surf, etc.) like he did before he had a girlfriend. Needless to say we broke up because I will never stand for someone for one second not respecting me or the relationship (he called two days later . My point is that I think it's from watching my mother go through it for so long. Children do internalize and having a father who wasn't 150% has affected me and my two sisters negatively in one way or another
I mention this also because you brought up another woman spending time with your children. Your children will know and experience all sorts of people growing up...not to mention the possibility of your new partner.
BTW my mother finally left my father (single without a dime with three kids)and met my step-father not too long after. I loved him dearly (RIP) and he was the one that walked me and my sister down the isle! He was a great example of a good strong father and marriage which is why we all ultimately ended up with the example marriage my step-father and mother had.
My hope for you is to believe your husband. Plan your own future. Don't make your decisions based on fear. And think of the marriage you and your children want to grow up in.
I sincerely hope you make it through this soon.

 

Sweetie... I just want to give you huge hugs. It takes alot to reach out for help. It is so good that you have us here & your internet friends in addition to having therapy. I have been thinking about you often this weekend since I'm flying solo without dh, taking care of my 14 month olds.
You are an amazing person & whatever comes your way you will trudge through, becoming stronger. (easier said looking back)

Keep yourself healthy, physically, mentally, etc. You will need all your strength, but you can do it

Are there any local twin MoMs groups that you can reach out & get some support with the upcoming holidays? Do you have family that lives close?

KUP!
Love,
(irisflower- ff too)

 

Wow! I just read your post and I have so many emotions running through me. I have been depressed before years ago, for a short while when I was in a job I hated and my husband was trying to find a job. I was also unemployed for a while and so was my husband. I can definitely tell you being unemployed for a while puts a HUGE strain on a marriage. I remember during my depressing time that I wanted things to be different. Having a job gives you a sense of value and worth- to the world and your family or those that depend on you. When you are at your lowest you think very selfishly about bailing and you don't comprehend that your actions affect others- you just want the pain/frustration to stop so some people do really stupid and hurtful things. Some people think that leaving it all is best for the family or their loved ones, but they don't realize it can hurt everyone and can often be worse!

After our twins were born I always told my husband- seriously- that if he ever decided this wasn't a life he wanted, to tell me quickly so I could rebuild my life with my children, as they are my world and I am responsible for bringing them in this world. I know it would be horrible if he left, but I would have to move on with my life (the thought scares me a lot). Without knowing your husband, all I can say is that he seems depressed and anxious to escape. It may be more harm than good for your family to be around so much negative energy. I have always been a strong believer that I would rather be alone than with bad company. I sincerely hope that things turn around for him and that your marriage succeeds and heals. If he has made up his mind about leaving and escaping, then prepare yourself for a new future with your children, as this may be a better future than with someone who is miserable, makes you miserable and will not contribute. You cannot do it alone, so reach out to others for help and do not be afraid to ask for support. You and your children are the #1 priority. You will get trough this and be a better person for it. I send you many blessings and strength!

 

So sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and the counseling should help cope. GL.

Jen

 

I am so sorry for the situation you are in...

Coming from a guy who is utterly "hands-on" in every aspect of the kids and such, I just cannot understand why someone would not want to be. I know the job situation isn't the best, but if I was laid off and only my DW had I job, I would actuallu love to be home with the kids.

As far as this "going on drives" and not answering you calls, going to bars, staying out late, etc. That is 100% UNACCEPTABLE!!!! Serious??? As far as your thoughts or concerns of him cheating...his actions sure don't lead you to want to think otherwise.

You are in a tough place and there is no easy answer. You need to go with your heart. I know you think of your kids (which is great, because in my opinion he's pretty much a dirtbag in my mind), you need to see what is best for them and you. If that means providing the best life for them that you can rather that putting up with his crap, then that is what you might have to do.

If the kids grow and he continues in his behavior, do you really want to always have to answer for his actions? Why he isn't home and all the others that might come up.

There is NO easy solution. Think of yourself and your kids...you will do what you need to.

If you want any "guy's point of view" that you might not want to post on here. Please feel free to PM me.

My thoughts are with you...chin up

 

I knew I could count on you guys! :grouphug: Now to answer some questions - yes, DH and his Ex married young (18 and 21 - their DD was 1 y/o by then) and were married 11 years. DH wanted out of the marriage first - but she started seeing someone immediately, if not before. He (we) have always paid the child support (and alimoney for 5 yrs) on time. His two older children are 17 and 20 y/o and now live with their mother full-time. I do know that babies <2 y/o aren't his favorite stage.

He is on anti-depressants and has been for around three years. If these aren't the right kind for him - which they haven't done much, we might need that checked out and maybe switched to something else. He obviously needs help with that.

I've noticed I'm becoming resentful at his lack of help and distancing himself and knowing he's trying to decide if he wants to stay and be married to me and have his family or to just walk away. Don't get me wrong, I wrestle with devastation, sadness, fear, etc but I'm better than I was 3+ weeks ago when he sprung this on me. Then again, I can say all this and be tough now, but he is still here. The majority of the time, things feel normal. I still get the cuddles, kisses, and love - although he has said he loves me, but isn't in love with me. That tears my heart out. I feel like a single mom now, but when he's not coming home every day and it's just me alone with my babies, I will truly be a single mom and alone :cry:

I've been trying to prepare for the what if's (and probabilities). We're going to lose our house due to the lay off so that is tough - add another sressor. I have no idea how I'll financially make it (I make too much for even daycare assistance). Not to mention how the h*ll I'll handle being a single mom to two one year olds while working 40+ hrs/wk, etc.

My family has been supportive which has been helpful. I don't have many friends IRL, so that has always been hard for me. And it makes me sad. I'll be even more alone if DH leaves. We've been each others' support and best friend.

"Even if he does stick around, you're still under sooo much pressure knowing he isn't happy!"

This is so true. Even now, it's hard knowing he's here and doesn't want to be. I know most people don't do well with ultimatiums, but I cannot and will not go on like this for ever - sometime it will have to chance or go separate ways.

I am being strong for my kids - and for myself.


BTW, I see some fellow MN girls here!

 

That is the perfect attitude...Be Strong For You And Your Kids...

I understand you want help him if you can, but he is going to want to change.

You are 100% correct to be resentful. He isn't gone, those are his kids...he should be helping...ESPICIALLY since he is not working. If he has times for his "drives" or "late night outs"...ya know???

I'm glad you have it in your head you will pull up stakes and move on if you feel that is what is best.

 

:hug: I am so sorry that you are going through this.

 

Oh, I hate to hear this. You and your LO's deserve so much better!! I don't have any great advice. I think it's great you are reaching out for support and also seeing a counselor. Big hugs to you. Beth

 

My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a strong, capable, and wonderful woman and you and your children deserve the best treatment. I hope you are able to get the answers you deserve soon. :hug:

 

:hug: :hug:

I'm sorry to hear about this.. You have gotten some good advice already. Stay strong, lady.

 

I´ve had my issues with my DH but nothing like you are going through. Im so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like he´s stuck in a rut. Have you been to counselling? Why are men so selfish and weak :headbang:

:hug: to you and I hope you find a solution very soon. :hug:

 

:hug: I'm sorry. Your resentment that you stated is perfectly normal. I know there are two sides to the story, but this really sounds like he needs to 'cowboy up.' Take responsibility. Going out for 'drives' and not answering the phone (what if it was an emergency) is crazy. Seems like he is looking for a way out.

:hi: (will you pm me with where in MN you live?) I'm just North of the twin cities.

 

I am SO sorry you are going through this! I wish I had advice but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

 

Just a suggestion...have you guys tried going to church together as a family? So sorry to hear that you are going through this. My husband and I have had some rough patches, too, but we have received so much encouragement from our friends that go to church with us. Contrary to what some people have been posting, I firmly believe that your marriage relationship is more important than your relationship with your children, unless you or your children are in harm in any manner. What your children really want from their parents is to grow up with the security of knowing that mom and dad love each other. I will be praying that you guys will be able to work things out!

 

We are not religious or spiritual people - we don't go to church.

I do believe that a good marriage is very important in a family - if the parents aren't happy, no one is happy. However, I don't know if I agree that a marriage is more important than relationships with the children.

We start our third week of our counseling appts next week. I still think he's planning on leaving and we're just having a long goodbye. But time will tell. :headbang:

Thanks for your support everyone!

 

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. There really is no easy answer. On one hand, I could say to you that the driving around aimlessly and not answering the phone is unacceptable (which I truly believe it is), but being that I'm not in your situation, I can't say 100% what I would do.

All I can say is, I grew up in a house where my parents should have divorced, but didn't. They stayed together "for the kids". That brought along it's own set up issues with us as we grew older. If you can make it work, and REALLY make it work, not just faking it, then that would be the best case scenario. But if he isn't 100% committed to you and your marriage, always remember that you deserve more.

I hope that he comes to his senses and appreciates and celebrates the family that he has. I've been reading too many stories like yours on TS lately, and it's just breaking my heart. I hate to think of moms going through this, especially with such young kids.

So many hugs to you! Good luck with the counseling ... :hug:

 

I'm SOOOOO sorry you are going through this! One thing I am wondering, if he doesn't have a job where is he going to go if he does leave? He obviously wouldn't have the $ to rent an apartment on his own. I would be suspicious of an affair as well and really ticked off if he is going out with someone because it sounds like you are the one supporting him financially right now. I know that it is very hard for a man (at least most men) to not be able to support his family so if he already struggled with depression I can see that making it worse. I agree with the idea of possibly going to church and getting support through the people there, if you are open to that. And join a moms group, either a moms of multiples or a mommies group, because they usually have a single moms group, if it ends up coming to that for you. I think that is great that you guys are going to counseling and I hope that it will end up helping you both and that you can work this out.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. *hugs*

Dianna